1st 10 pages of my screenplay...give it to me straight.

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dmurthegreat

Member
Link to 1st 10 pages

http://pc.celtx.com/project/F991D4xK37dB

About a year ago I made a documentary, shot it on a crap budget but it was half decent. It got some national exposure in a few major outlets and a person with considerable clout reached out to me telling me if I made a good enough script based on the concept of my documentary there's a strong chance he could get it off the ground.

I've finished the first draft and i'm in revision stage but I'd appreciate if anyone could be as ruthless as possible and tell me how my first ten pages could be improved. Does it peak your interest? How is the dialogue? How well of a foundation is set for the story?

Logline: Set within the competitive and glamorous world of party promotions, college freshman J.J. dares to challenge the competitive, charismatic, and cutthroat leader of a party promotions empire close to a monopoly.
 
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I really like this concept of a film about college party promotions. It's very unique and if another film like it exists, I haven't heard of it.

Your dialogue is realistic. There are some lines I especially liked like the "reflection of perfection" line and "I'm in there like swimwear" line. Also "I guess, even a broke clock is right twice a day." Those are clever lines.

A few suggestions, though. When the CESAR is egging on the Young Royalty guys on stage I'd like to see a little more back and forth dialogue there to really justify the brawl that follows. Also, more description of the brawl itself would be nice.

The only other suggestion I would have is when ROB refers to girls as hoes and DRE asks him why he has to use that word. I don't know if this is a key part in DRE's personality but, in my experience at least, I wouldn't expect college kids to think twice about using the word hoes. But, as I said, maybe that's just a specific personality trait of his that you're trying to convey.

Anyway, it's an intriguing read and other than those couple things I mentioned, I think you're doing a really good job. I'd like to see the rest of it at some point.

Good luck on it.
 
Thanks for taking the time to check it out.

I actually added a little bit to the fight after seeing your comment that I think really improves that scene. Originally it was a little more in depth but in the revision stage I ended up trying to streamline the action.

And you're totally right about the "hoe" part. I actually only included it because there's a woman with some connections who I'm going to send the script to and i felt like I should add that in so as not to offend her.

I'm glad you liked it though. It's done, I'm just trying to clean up all my grammar, spelling, and structure problems. I'll definitely shoot you a link when it's done and if you have anything else you'd like another pair of eyes to see definitely shoot it my way.
 
I'm gonna have to disagree with Tim above, I don't think some of your dialogue is realistic. I am in college and I can honestly say that if anyone said "I'm in their like swimwear" or that girl is a "perfection of reflection" they would sound really nerdy and people would just sort of stare at them and probably laugh. Just throwing in what I think.
 
Well, in my opinion, it all depends on the portrayal of the character who's saying it. My take on it was that these guys are not "college-kids" so-to-speak just yet, they have just arrived. Maybe that they are a little naive to the way things work in college and probably figure that out along the way. This is the beginning of the story and chances are they change throughout the story. I don't know, that was just my thought after reading. And the lines did make me laugh but not in a bad way.
 
gmjames said:
I'm gonna have to disagree with Tim above, I don't think some of your dialogue is realistic. I am in college and I can honestly say that if anyone said "I'm in their like swimwear" or that girl is a "perfection of reflection" they would sound really nerdy and people would just sort of stare at them and probably laugh. Just throwing in what I think.
Click to expand...

I appreciate the feedback. The funny thing is i didn't come up with either of those quotes. The "swimwear" phrase is actually something I've heard a few people say and the "reflection of perfection" was a comment another one of my friends made.

The other funny thing is, I had someone telll me the promoters are a little over the top. I actually made a documentary based on this stuff, and its quite possible that the characters in my screenplay aren't as over the top as the actual people in the documentary. Here's an example....

http://www.vimeo.com/1325053
 
dmurthegreat said:
I appreciate the feedback. The funny thing is i didn't come up with either of those quotes. The "swimwear" phrase is actually something I've heard a few people say and the "reflection of perfection" was a comment another one of my friends made.

The other funny thing is, I had someone telll me the promoters are a little over the top. I actually made a documentary based on this stuff, and its quite possible that the characters in my screenplay aren't as over the top as the actual people in the documentary. Here's an example....

http://www.vimeo.com/1325053
Click to expand...
I am just saying that I know a lot of people like that, and they don't say stuff like that. Ultimately it's your decision.
 
Interesting idea, but Im going to have to agree with James here. Your dialogue seems very forced and on the nose. Much of it just doesnt sound like how people talk - and not just the lines brought up here. Some is extraneous as well, but trying to get into and out of scenes earlier may help this. Definitely read it out loud to help streamline.

As far as the world of party promotion that youre showing, remember that 99% of your audience is not going to have seen your documentary. I've spent a good portion of the past six years on the campuses of two very large state universities and have never seen a party promoted as youve depicted. Im guessing that a lot of your audience is going to be in the same boat.

Since your world is foreign to most audiences, you may need to take some more time to establish it. If you dont, you risk your audience not taking it seriously, especially when your script is so bombastic right at the start. You have a perfect set up to do this, though, with freshman coming to college that know nothing about these companies - I would suggest prolonging their introduction to this new world, because really theyre going to be the stand ins for the audience who also knows nothing of the world. Its hard to tell which direction youre going right now from the first 10 pages, but I might also suggest making one of them (the freshman or someone else who isnt involved in the world yet) the protagonist (if one isnt already) - itll make it easier for the audience to buy into if were in one of their shoes.

I might also suggest changing the first scene from the high rise scene - you lost me because these characters are talking about a world that I dont know yet, and it wasnt in the good way that made me want to know more. It just didnt seem that important to me because I dont understand yet. If this was your intention and you were trying to use it as a teaser, I may reevaluate.

Anyways, I hope this helps - its definitely a cool concept!
 
Yea after checking out your documentary your idea seems like it would be cool if it was written well. Since you have experience with your actual idea though I think it is going to turn out awesome. Can't wait to see where it goes.
 
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