Over and Above - Short Script about forgiveness

it's feel-goody. I'll give you that. I like that the action is quick moving. Something is happening on each page. The style reminded me of "Crash" (which I wasn't a fan of)... though, it's not quite as dramatic.

Honestly, I was hoping Sammy was going to do something worse to Darren.... but I understand, that's the whole point: FORGIVENESS.... I guess, I'm no "Sammy." So, the ending, to me, was a little cheesy, but it works I think. I like the book-ending (starting and ending with the "catch" thing).

Edit: I really like your website... how it is coming at least. Cool look.
 
Randall... Very appreciated. Looking forward to it.

CeSu Pro:
Glad you like the website! It's only half finished but it'll be done soon. Like I said, the ending is the main thing I'm unsure about. Cheese Factor, Dramatic Impact, Closure, etc... I still have to keep the theme of forgiveness.

The scene where Eli grabs Sammy and pulls a knife feels good to me because of the complexities of it. Even after being charmed by Amy, and calmed down, he may still want to hurt Sammy or teach him a lesson in that moment. With Amy in the scene, he also has to think about her reaction. That, combined with Sammy's plea of innocence, persuades him to forgive.

The ending however, doesn't seem as strong. Maybe Sammy also considers teaching Daren a lesson. After all, Sammy is holding Eli's knife when Daren appears. He could threaten Daren, or make a gesture. When Tripp crashes into Daren, he could consider that a lesson enough, and with the kindness of Eli still in his mind, choose to forgive.
 
I agree with all that (your comments I quoted below). I read the complete story, I like the story in that it is one those ensemble type pieces where several characters and lives come together at the end, that takes some thinking to create such a story, so kudos on that; reminds me of the films Crash, Babel, and 11:14 (all star cast--Rachel Leigh Cook, Patrick Swayze, Hillary Swank-great ensemble piece I recommend watching, and has a nice making of featurette with a very very young director).

Given the theme, and the use of a church, perhaps consider adding a bit more spiritual / church / religious imagery to play on that theme somehow-- something as simple as a shadow of the church steeple cross falling across the characters at the ending scene, etc.

Technical critique (easy fixes):
(go here to to learn more, a great set of craft notes by John Rainey)
1) Go on an "ing" hunt as always, making the writing as active as possible.
2) Watch out for giving a character two actions at once which is rarely possible (go on an "and" hunt)-- e.g. "Jack parks his car and gets out." => "Jack parks his car, gets out."
3) Break up multiple shot paragraphs into single shot paragraphs.

Solomon Chase said:
Randall... Very appreciated. Looking forward to it.

CeSu Pro:
Glad you like the website! It's only half finished but it'll be done soon. Like I said, the ending is the main thing I'm unsure about. Cheese Factor, Dramatic Impact, Closure, etc... I still have to keep the theme of forgiveness.

The scene where Eli grabs Sammy and pulls a knife feels good to me because of the complexities of it. Even after being charmed by Amy, and calmed down, he may still want to hurt Sammy or teach him a lesson in that moment. With Amy in the scene, he also has to think about her reaction. That, combined with Sammy's plea of innocence, persuades him to forgive.

The ending however, doesn't seem as strong. Maybe Sammy also considers teaching Daren a lesson. After all, Sammy is holding Eli's knife when Daren appears. He could threaten Daren, or make a gesture. When Tripp crashes into Daren, he could consider that a lesson enough, and with the kindness of Eli still in his mind, choose to forgive.
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Good advice randall.

It might just be me, but I don't get the whole get the knife out and scratch the car further part. I mean it is sweet, but who would do that? But, like I said, that just might be me.
 
I felt the same. It is a form of forgiveness I suppose--having the knife-fest session on the truck, but also it seems that the 20something guy is not teaching the kid much about responsibility; a middle ground approach might tell a better moral story.

Yeddi said:
Good advice randall.

It might just be me, but I don't get the whole get the knife out and scratch the car further part. I mean it is sweet, but who would do that? But, like I said, that just might be me.
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Very true. Forgiveness doesn't negate someone's responsibility, which is what this scene sort of implies. Plus I have to consider the cost of filming this as it is. Do you already have a car you can do this with Solomon?
 
Yeddi said:
Very true. Forgiveness doesn't negate someone's responsibility, which is what this scene sort of implies. Plus I have to consider the cost of filming this as it is. Do you already have a car you can do this with Solomon?
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I'm a visual fx artist. Easy stuff. :)

Excellent point about responsibility. Amy takes responsibility (somewhat), but Sammy pleads his innocence.

I have the perfect idea for a rewrite now! Back in a bit... :dankk2:
 
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