navigating moral landscapes, is my compass busted?

B

brianluce

Carbonite Member
So tonight a buddy calls and informs me that a mutual friend just died from alcohol abuse. The deceased was a brilliant engineer/businessman who'd made millions, had a great job, beautiful family, mansion, all before age 30. Three years ago the drinking started, then the downward spiral. Lost the career. Lost the family. Final chapter was paramedics doing CPR in a seedy motel room in El Monte. He lasted 10 days in the hospital before expiring.

So tonight my buddy is telling me that the funeral was emotional, nice speeches, what a tragedy etc. The usual. But here's the part that flipped me out. After the funeral, all the friends and family decided they should celebrate his life by cracking open the beers and boozing it up. WTF?

I realize I'm one of the worst big mouths on this board, and unfortunately I'm pretty much the same way in person. I tell people what I think. I'm not proud of that, but can't help myself. So needless to say, the phone conversation ended very badly.

I'm not even sure why I find it so offensive to celebrate an alcohol induced tragedy WITH alcohol. Apparently the sentiment expressed by the celebrants was that the deceased "Woulda wanted us to throw back some beers in his honor..." I've got nothing against drinking, if done responsibly. But under these circumstances?

Question: Am I some sort of Dr. Laura moralizing klutz?
 
pixelated said:
Yup.

Sure sounds like there's not much depth to the pool - maybe that's why he drank.
Condolences on your loss.
Click to expand...

I'm not being defensive, but believe it or not it was a gaggle of CPA's, lawyers, bankers, some of them sporting Ivy League degrees.
 
Ohhhh I sooooo want to say I rest my case......

But that's not really fair, so - my 2 cents.

Alcohol is many things to many people. For some its a intensely horrifying all consuming physical addiction - not unlike the need to breathe. For many many more its a way to dull the pain while committing suicide. For the rest of us it's a drug used to lessen inhibition, dull the pain, release suppressed feelings, and tolerate others at inane social events.

Alcohol didn't kill your friend, your friend did. Demonizing the instrument of your friends death is like blaming the serial killers chainsaw.

The underlying unspeakable socially unsaid truth is your friend most probably died from an indescribably profound all consuming soul devouring sense of unconfrontable despair. Unrequited love - unattainable dream - unspeakable guilt - rational or extreme mental disorder - we almost never know, could not have influenced or altered. Intervention at that level requires a degree of compassion not seen in this species in millenia.

Final thought - remember grief is real, its powerful, and it's a totally selfish emotion. And two - yeah you're being a putz - you probably need to apologize to somebody - I'm sure it's not the first time. Go in peace.
 
brianluce said:
I'm not being defensive, but believe it or not it was a gaggle of CPA's, lawyers, bankers, some of them sporting Ivy League degrees.
Click to expand...

Well if I were stuck in a room with that group I'd tip a few back myself...... and I don't even drink.

Honestly they've got every right to drink at the funeral and you've got every right to think it's stupid. Neither is right or wrong, to each there own.
 
Misery likes company and anyone thats miserable will protect their right to be miserable. I have seen many people in my life that have destroyed the lives of the people around them and themselves. Family members that have done things that most of you would not believe. Father and his parents, sons raised by exwife and brother. I use to drink sociably and had a lot of fun but I had one fast rule about drinking. That was if I ever got ugly on did something that I regretted that I would stop drinking right then and there. After having my hip replaced for the first time I was on Endo 122's 100 at a time. I would take two and drink a beer and feel just fine. They would give them too me as often as I wanted them 100 at a time, before they outlawed most of this type of drug. Heck I had my hip replaced. Well one day I realized that I had become dependent on them and looked at myself in the mirror and came to the conclusion that I was not the same nice easy going guy that I use to be and quit drinking and all drugs including pharmecuticles that day. I could have said that hey I had my hip replaced and the pain was enough to warrant the drugs. See the thing is that people that have a problem usually never admit it to themselves. I was very lucky that I had made a promise to myself and I kept it. I like to be in control and other people can do what they want as long as it doesn't hurt someone else. I haven't drank or done drugs since then and can say I'm very happy person that lives a good life and looks to help people out when they need it. I feel your frustration when you have a friend that has just died and others feel it necessary to celebrate it by drinking. You just can't stand the irony of the situation! Go do something nice for someone and enjoy it.
 
pixelated said:
Alcohol didn't kill your friend, your friend did. Demonizing the instrument of your friends death is like blaming the serial killers chainsaw.

.
Click to expand...

Maybe this is the crux. It's a point I can't get my head around. It's like the 2nd amendment argument--do guns kill people or do people kill people? I have to agree the drinking was an act of self destruction. On the other hand, alcohol is a poisonous, addictive, and deadly drug. So should it get a free ride? Maybe. I really don't know.

side note: During his final days in the hosp, most of his friends expected him to recover. The plan to celebrate his discharge from the hospital? A bender in Vegas.
 
Sorry for your lose man, but I must say...I totally agree with you. If I had a friend who died by way of alcoholism, drinking alcohol at his funeral would be the last thing I would do. Don't let it bother you too much, it's these little bumps in life we have to get over or else they will eat away at us and burn bridges and shoot hobos.

Okay, maybe not the latter...
 
It's a matter of perspective.

As someone who has dealt with alcoholism personally and professionally for most of my life, I have a decent understanding of the disease and it's impact. I've been to funerals of relatives who literally drank themsleves to death, and have bailed friends out of jail for doing things that have come close. I've counseled families and alcoholics in treatment centers.

Your reaction is typical and understandable. And while I agree that grief is handled differently by different people, there is a sense of sadness at how some of the people there may not "get it" the way you are seeing things. The debate about how big a part of alcoholism is self inflicted rages on, but there is no doubt that there is a biological and sometimes genetic factor. In other words, while you can theoretically "control yourself", it is not an issue of willpower. In most cases there are many contributing environmental, psychological, biological, genetic and emotional factors.

I once went to visit my Dad in rehab with my brother for a family weekend. They asked us, in the spirit of the weekend, to abstain while we were there. "Sure" we said. Then on the way back to the hotel we bought two cases of beer and filled the tub. That's where I was at back then. Now when I see my Dad (who has been sober for almost 20 years), I don't drink in front of him. My choice, but I look at it as a sign of respect. Both my brothers do drink in front of him though, and it doesn't seem to bother him.

My gripe would be more about the lack of respect shown to the grieving family. They know what killed him, and if it was my dad or brother or whatever in that coffin (at least the way I am now) it would bother me to see that, regardless of whose "fault" it was. So I get your point.
 
Sad Max said:
What's worse, is that you seem to lack any appreciation for irony, at all.
Click to expand...

No, I appreciate irony just fine--just not in this particular situation. In fact it's the irony of the situation that I find troublesome. And NO, I'm not being ironic.

There's a time and place for appreciating irony. The destruction of a gifted individual that I knew personally doesn't seem like right moment in space and time for appreciating much of anything.

It's a wierd thing to say Max, there are things that comfort in times of grief. It might be God, or family, or a walk on the beach. I can't imagine many people would look to irony for any measure of clarity or relief in times like this--but then again, I'm mystified anyone would turn to alcohol under these circumstance. But if irony works for you as a coping mechanism, as your comment implies, then more power to you dude.
 
Irony gets me through the day. I don't enjoy drinking, I'm not churchy, and sand between my toes rubs me raw.

Text is lousy for conveying emotion and expression; if you are hurting about this and I insensitively jabbed you, I'll apologize now.
 
If your friend had died of lung cancer, would they have all fired up cigarettes in his honor?

You're right Brian -- it was a thoughtless, insensitive thing for them to do. Intelligent people should know better. My sympathies to you not only for the loss of your friend, but also for the lack of compassion of your other friends.
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
If your friend had died of lung cancer, would they have all fired up cigarettes in his honor?

You're right Brian -- it was a thoughtless, insensitive thing for them to do. Intelligent people should know better. My sympathies to you not only for the loss of your friend, but also for the lack of compassion of your other friends.
Click to expand...

How is this a lack of compassion?

Unless one happens to be a hard-core alcoholic one's self, the intrinsic implications of taking a drink, are zero.

If the attendees were themselves alkies, and drinking to their friend's memory was self-destructive and perverse, that would be different - but that is not the scenario that brian described.
 
Question: Am I some sort of Dr. Laura moralizing klutz?
Click to expand...

no, to me it sounds like your friends were disrespectful. if he died of a drug overdose would it be perfectly acceptable for everyone to go and do the drug that killed him afterwards? it's all subjective, and drinking isn't illegal, but funerals are a time to take a step back and reflect on the life of the deceased and your own life and if you can't do that for a night without drinking are you missing the point?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top