Need some guidance on my script for a UT film school project

J

JJL

Member
Ok, to save the task of reading my whole script. I'm going to state a basic treatment for it. Its about a young college student who killed his gf, but he forgets about it because he has schizophenria (might seem a little cliche'). The story is about him thinking that everything is well between him and his gf because he actually is hallucinating the events of interaction between him and her (he still thinks she's alive), however he suspects that she's cheating on him. The plot is basically him seeing weird and peculiar signs and cirucmstances that come together in the end to reveal that he had killed his gf all along and her body lay in the bathroom tub entrenched with blood. He had been taking pills for his schizo but since he forgets that he's schizo he discovers that all the pill bottles are full and he hadn't been taking any. The last scene is basically a confrontation between himself and his altered personality. This movie relates alot to the 6th sense, hide and seek, and the secret window if anybody saw it. I need help in developing the story, what events or scenes should I shoot in the developing plot to tie it all in at the end???
 
Its hard to comment, not knowing what elements that you've already used in your screenplay. I'm assuming its a short? or no?

Are you asking for whole new scene ideas or just how to develop scenes on the few situations you laid out in the synopsis?

I think you would get better input if ppl could read the script, if its a short then that wouldn't be too much of a hardship for anyone that was interested in suggesting ideas.
 
yes this is a short movie assignment. I want it to be a psychological thriller! Max limit is 6 min. I just need feedback and options to what sort of scenes or events should be immersed in the exposition and developing plot to offer mystery but hook the audience in a way. I thought of scenes such as having the guy find his kitchen knife missing (because he used this to kill his gf), or have a mysterious package arrive at his door and it ends up being femaldahyde (in order to preserve the body of his dead gf)....spooky and twisted events such as these, also any suggestions on how to make the character more an active character (protagonist). I was thinking maybe in his hallucination of thinking his gf was still alive he could suspect her of cheating on him and his goal is trying to find out, but at the end he realizes that his gf never cheated on him at all, it was his other personality that he suspected. Anyways his a rough cut of my script, it still needs to be tweaked:

EXT. SIDEWALK - LATE AFTERNOON
A car sits in a driveway.
This is CHASE: A twenty year old student.
WE SEE his feet walk to the front door
Grabs his keys from his pocket. Coughs into his hand.
Looks down. It’s red.
CHASE
****.
He does a double-take. His hand is clean.
INT. CHASE’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
He checks his roommate’s room. It’s empty. He dials on his cell phone.
CHASE
(into the phone)
It’s happening again.
Hangs up.
INT. CHASE’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Chase on couch. Head in hands.
GIRLFRIEND runs through the front door. Quickly sits next to him.
NANCY
(urgently)
Here Baby, you forgot again.
She hands him two white pills.
He throws them in the back of his mouth, takes a sip of water and puts his head
back on the couch and closes his eyes.
INT. CHASE’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Chase lifts his head up.
Nancy is gone.
His glass of water missing.
There’s an empty pill bottle.
He picks up his cell phone, dials.
GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
Hey this is Nancy, Sorry I’m not..
Chase hangs up.
WE HEAR water dripping in another room.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Chase enters. It’s steamy
Opens the shower curtain, the tub is empty but wet inside.
There’s a damp towel on the bathroom floor with some of Nancy’s clothes.
Some make-up is scattered on the counter.
He opens the medicine cabinet. There are two bottles of medication.
One’s empty. The other: two pills left.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Chase opens the refrigerator: pulls the fixes for a sandwich.
Opens the knife drawer. The knife’s missing.
He grabs a butter knife. Cuts his sandwich. Eats to crumbs.
He goes to throw it away, the trash is full. He opens the cabinet to get another
bag. There’s only an empty box.
The DOORBELL RINGS
I/E. FRONT DOOR.
MAILMAN
Package

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Chase opens the package: It’s FORMALDEHYDE, METHANOL, AND ETHANOL.
INT. BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING
Chase wakes up.
Carries himself out of his room.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Chase enters.
We only see: Chase open his medicine cabinet.
There’s two bottles filled to the brim.
Chase shuts the cabinet. Confused. We see the reflection of the cabinet mirror.
It’s a violaceous murder scene.
Nancy lays motionless in the bathtub.




we need intercutting flashbacks
 
Is the script already finished?
If so, what is the central question the story asks? Is it "Did he kill his Gf?" or "Is he insane?" or "WHO killed his Gf?"

I'm not a shrink but you're describing multiple personality disorder, is that a symptom of schizophrenia? I always thought they were separate things.
 
the central theme is more a pscyhological one....Chase is thinking his gf might be cheating on him because of suspicious circumstances all the while he can't make sense of wierd things that are happening around him, in the end it all unfolds and the questions get answered because his gf was never there to begin with, he had killed her before the story actually took place and she never cheated on him, his disorder led him to think she was cheating on someone else but it was actually with himself, he had caused his own suscpicions...but the audience finds this out at the end and so does he. So the questions raised in the story is.....is his gf cheating on him?...and why are strange things happening?...the strange events are the rising plot scenes in which i need help on in order to tie it in with the twist ending.
 
Good concept. Right up my alley. I say do it. Send me a formatted script and I will read and give suggestions if you like.
 
Ok a friend of mine just suggested something, have a room-mate character present who really doesn't exist but is the main character's alter ego, just like in the movie fight club (even tho I haven't seen it, shame I know...). Anyways the alter-ego side of the main character (room-mate) serves as the hostile form of his personality and ends up killing his gf, so that way the ending is that the main character doesn't realize he really killed his gf at all because it is masked by his room-mate who the main character fails to realize that it is a figment of himself. Does this seem like a better idea? I'm thinking I should go with that instead, it seems more simple.
 
JJL said:
Ok a friend of mine just suggested something, have a room-mate character present who really doesn't exist but is the main character's alter ego, just like in the movie fight club (even tho I haven't seen it, .
Click to expand...

A version of this in "Beautiful MInd" as well. For that reason I'd say avoid it. I like your concept but there's already something vaguely derivative or at least familiar about it. I don't mean that as a jab, it's becoming nearly impossible to come up with anything 100% fresh. Hollywood is now making TV shows that feature a serial killer as protagonist cop in order to stay in front of the curve.

Backing up a bit, the imaginary friend is something I assume, from the viewer's POV may or may not exist, the murder may or may not have happened, and the affair may or may not have happened. IMHOP, that's a lot of questions for a short to answer. It's just a lot of stuff. I've read what you have so far, and it doesn't seem to be anything about cheating--which you say is the story spine. I suggest resetting the whole thing, as "Has chase lost his mind" because that seems like what you have so far and I'd go with it rather than all these other layers. If you can focus on that throughline and write every line to address that throughline one way or another, the piece may fall in place.

Seems like you're on to something pretty good here.

Btw, what's UT? Austin?

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/violaceous
 
I would think of shooting windows and mirrors to suggest duality, the concept of seeing is not always believing, etc...
 
this reminds me of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" movie better you see that film and you can get an idea how to develop your script

or try this idea:



Let's assume the person who killed forgot what he done the next day..he call his gf but no response from her room...the person investigates to find the killer ..show incidents that slowly reveals that he killed his gf....but this may not work if you show that the person is already suffering with disease you mentioned.


or

black screen

male and female voices ...fighting about something and then a woman screaming in loud voice as ifshe is going to be killed .. then show blood in his hand and then he faints for what he had done...

cut

hospital:

finds himself in bed doesn't understand what he had done ...then all the police and doctor drama

then he knows that he has the disease...and then show flash backs

(sorry for my bad english)
 
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Forget all this "reminds me of this" talk. No story is completely orginal for the most part. A simple story well told does the trick better than an original story poorly told. Although these type of shorts aren't all that simple. The point is..focus on developing story structure/character(what you can in a short) and not so much on an 100% original idea. What was so orginal/groundbreaking about Million Dollar Baby? Nothing. Great story/movie though.
 
STYLZ said:
Forget all this "reminds me of this" talk. No story is completely orginal for the most part. A simple story well told does the trick better than an original story poorly told. Although these type of shorts aren't all that simple. The point is..focus on developing story structure/character(what you can in a short) and not so much on an 100% original idea. What was so orginal/groundbreaking about Million Dollar Baby? Nothing. Great story/movie though.
Click to expand...

This is a valid argument, however, at least consider that a great script in Hollywood is a rare commodity. It's not uncommon for one to garner millions of dollars. However, the conventional wisdom holds that there is one thing more valuable than a great script: A great idea. Take a look at the writing credits of most A-list writers, most of their produced scripts are adaptations. As good as the Goldmans and Gaghans are, they typically rely on the story ideas of others for their produced credits. I know for a fact Ron Bass has a book case full of unproduced spec scripts. Point is, there's an undeniable premium on originality.
 
Doesn't have to be 100% original. But if too much like something already done, it will be dismissed because of such.

If a fresher idea, it stands to get noticed easier.

You don't want to be told. It's well made. Nice acting. But the story is a lot like...
 
Yeah the main obstacle that stands in the way of our script is clarity and simplicity. We want a very simple storyline that is effective, so I'm trying to avoid having alot of things happen one after the other that might overwhelm the audience. The hardest thing is making everything coherent and relative to the plot. A friend wrote me this new script with the "roomie" character. Does this serve better than our original script (where we had his alter ego acknowleged as himself at the end)?

Characters

Chase-person with multiple personality disorder who is doesn’t know he isn’t taking his medicine; is shy and studious. Physically exists as the good, optimistic side of his brain. Doesn’t know Ted isn’t real.



Ted-acts as Chase’s roommate but doesn’t exist (can’t be seen) to anyone other than Chase and the audience. Is made up of everything bad and pessimistic in Chase’s brain



Nancy-Chase’s girlfriend who is more of the popular party type of girl who doesn’t know about Chase’s disorder.



Pigeons:? (chicken meat with white feathers or something)



Note: Everything written to be shot from the first person point of view (as if looking through Chases eyes, switch colors/ lighting from darker to lighter after he puts his glasses on.) Remains this way until the end.



Scene: 0

Dream sequence unknown to the audience.
-In the dream Chase see’s a girl, who resembles his girlfriend Nancy, having a drink at a coffee shop with another guy. But he doesn’t have his glasses on and once he puts them on he doesn’t see them in the coffee shop anymore. And while looking at the store from across the street (camera angle as if his eyes) a pigeon flies at his face and into his eyes(hardest camera shot in the script, good luck with it!)

Scene: 1
Chase wakes up to his alarm clock radio telling him it’s Friday. He puts on his glasses and walks to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, he opens his bottle of medicine, and notices there aren’t any pills. Ted slams open the door and says “GOODMORING!”
He has a BB gun is shooting the gun out the bathroom window. He hits one and exclaims in excitement: “Got ‘em. Those useless things don’t deserve to live. They wouldn’t exist if we didn’t feed them.”
But before he can say anything more Chase’s cell phone rings.
Ted races out of the room and answers it before Chase can. He doesn’t say anything just listens.
Voice on the phone:” Hello? Hello? Chase are you there?”
Ted throws the phone to Chase and says: “It’s your girlfriend and she sounds like she’s in her usual ***** mood.”
Chase picks up the phone and answers it: ”Hello, yeah I just woke up? I was going to call you but…. Yeah I know, I’m sorry….No, I really am? (awkward silence with Chase zoning out with a few seconds of silence as he watches Ted shooting at the group of pigeons in the street with a BB gun from the window.
Nancy over the phone:” Chase you there?”
Chase: “ Yeah, sorry. Sounds good, I’ll see you then…. Alright, bye?”

Scene: 2
Chase sits on the couch typing on his computer in the living room working on a paper for class. Ted is also on the couch in a relaxed position with his feet on the coffee table that is holding Chase’s computer and his cell phone.
Ted to Chase: “ So you guys are going to eat somewhere? Dude I think she’s using you as a means to skip on the grocery bill. That’s probably why she called you earlier, she was just hungry….Speaking of food.”
Ted gets up and goes to the kitchen and starts cutting something loudly.
There’s a knock on the door and Nancy let’s herself in. She’s dressed up as a bird of some sort with lots of feathers, as if going to a costume party.
Nancy to Chase in a disgustful voice: “Were you not listening earlier?”
Chase has a confused look on his face.
Nancy: ”The party, the costume party that I’ve been getting ready for the last week or so. Did you even get a costume yet?”
Chase:” I thought we were going to eat at that Indian place I found.”
Nancy :”Indian food? What the **** are you talking about? You know what **** you and your hole in the wall restaurants your always finding!”
She storms out and slams the door behind her.
Chase gets up to get something to drink out of the kitchen and notices on a cutting board that Ted had cut the head off one of the pigeons.

Scene: 3
Dream-Chase is dreaming about the gun shot from yesterday and the feathers coming into the window, and the cut up pigeon.
He wakes up from the dream and goes into the bathroom to wash his face and take his medicine. He is about to take his medicine and realizes he forgot to refill it. Ted appears with pigeon feathers in his hair like an Indian holding a hatchet and everything. There appears to be blood on the hatchet.
Ted: “Man didn’t mean to scare you. Glad to see you haven’t wasted your whole Saturday sleeping. Dude I was at that costume party last night and couldn’t help but notice your girlfriend making out with some random dude. I’ve been trying to tell you she was just like the rest of the drunk sluts at this college. Might as well give her a call to dump her ass. You’ll be better off without her anyways.”
Ted runs out into the living room making loud noises.
Chase walks into his room and tries to call Nancy. He thinks he hears her phone and it sounds like it’s coming from somewhere in the apartment. Just as he finds it on the couch Ted walks in from outside with the BB gun and says: “Oh yeah. I saw that earlier. I think she left that here last night. Stupid *****.”
Chase goes to his room to lie down and falls asleep.

Scene: 3
Chase wakes up to his alarm. It’s Sunday and he goes to take a shower to get ready for church. As he enters the bathroom he notices a large amount of feathers in there. He put’s on his glasses to see better but everything disappears. He walks into the bathroom and starts to take a shower. (Camera pans out. Third person long range shots. Not through Chases eyes anymore) Unknown to him, Nancy is in dead and bloody in the shower and looks like she has started to decompose. He remembers he hasn’t taken his medicine and reaches out to the counter open the pill bottle. He again is frustrated with himself that he forgot to refill the prescription. He throws the bottle on the floor and blue pills spill onto a bed of feathers on the floor. The camera zooms into the bottle and goes to different scenes of Chase talking to himself when he was supposed to be talking with Ted. (Reshoot some of the same scenes with Ted’s dialogue except have Chase saying his lines into thin air and not first person any more.)


Scene: 4
Show Chase walking out his room. The apartment is trashed with feathers everywhere. Also, Ted’s room is empty with the hatchet and dead pigeons, on the floor. Chase is walking out in nice clothes as if going to church. He looks up and listens to the sound of birds. Last scene is Chase walking down a sidewalk heading toward a church. Other people are entering the church. (You could film this on a real Sunday and if you are far enough back on the shot the other people wouldn’t know they are being filmed. Make it look more legit.)

THE_END.
 
JJL said:
Yeah the main obstacle that stands in the way of our script is clarity and simplicity. We want a very simple storyline that is effective, D.
Click to expand...

I think there's a lot of wisdom here. Try and boil you story down to one sentence, and everything you write, measure it against that sentence. Let it be your anchor.
 
Brian & Sean. "Original" is subjective . Proper structure and characters aren't.(relating to this) Anyone can come up with an "original" idea. I do every day. Or at least I think I do. :) Anyways ...so 23 was like eternal was like beautiful mind was like ect...all decent films, noone compares them to eachother really. It's how you tell the story that matters. Oh well. Originality is definitely the icing on the cake though.
 
With the vast amount of filmmakers, how the story is told can be accomplished, and how well it is shot can be too, what the story means is subjective as well as originality...

And going for just one of those and not all four will surely keep you behind...

But to me I think the ranking goes:
1. Originality little more important than
2. how well its shot
3. how its told
4. what it means

That's thinking "what's best for the audience?"

Because even if it's shot really well, if i've seen it before, I don't care how it's told or what it means...

But I 've seen films win contests and I'm left speechless by who wins...so who knows...
 
I agree.

Bottom line. You have to stand out.

That is usually done by catching your viewer by surprise. The easiest way? Keep them guessing and have something they haven't seen before.

Now being a writer I KNOW how bloody hard that can be. I've dumped a lot of ideas after I remembered where I got the idea from. If it is too much like something I've seen or read than I won't put in the effort.

I've have even been told that a holocaust piece I wrote was "Well written but the subject matter had run it's course".

Frustrating? Very much. So sometimes, even a new spin on an old theme will get dumped.

I learned the hard way, that a lot of people in this business are well versed on what has been done before. If the story is similar to something else. Use it to your advantage. Lead the viewer/reader down that same path, then put in a killer twist (or two). A sting in the tail/tale.

You get your present theme and even if they think "it's kind of of like..." it should be different enough to get you noticed.

Best piece of advise I've been given "You want to create a sense of "what happens next?" in the mind of the audience" -Charles Deemer.

Simple and very effective idea. But think about out. It's much harder to pull off in the modern work where movies and TV etc are more widely broadcast and produced.

But we still need to surprise the audience (on some level).
 
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I think we just have a misunderstanding. You guys are applying "original" broadly. I am suggesting there isn't a need for an original concept. Yes the characters need to be original. The substance of the story as well. The concept not so much. Think No Country for Old Men. Man comes across money that is not his and decides to keep it, crazed killer tries to get it back. How original a concept is that? Or There Will be Blood. (logline=A turn-of-the-century prospector buys the oil rights to a family's ranch, and then hits a major pocket of crude.) How original does that seem? Not very to me. Did these movies succeed based on original concepts? Naw. They were well told stories with great characters.

I got one for ya though. Ninjas travel to mars to prevent the military build up of abandoned astronauts who plan to reap havoc on earth as retribution for being abandoned by them, but are suprised by what the astronauts have mutated into since their abandonment. Throw in some space pirates for good measure. Kinda original.(Just made that up of course) Hollywood isn't going to be beating down my door for that one though.
 
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