Knock Knock, thoughts on this short anyone?

D

David_M_Payne

Well-known member
We plan on shooting this while I wait for the other David to finish the Script doctoring for Holy War. I would appricate any tips, suggestions etc that you guys and ladies might have. It will be shot in 720p using a couple of HVX200 and I have all the lights, mics etc. Hope you enjoy it, but don't forget the feedback if you have it. Of course the program here changed the format a bit but it was written with Movie Magic Screenwriter.



KNOCK KNOCK
Screenplay by David M Payne
© 2008

Act 1:

SCEEN 1:

FADE IN:

INT.

Two men sitting at a table in a house having breakfast.

DAVID
Nice day for collections, I wonder how many will be on my list today. Big day for you, it's your first day flying solo, you ready?

BRIAN
Yeah, I'm more than ready, it'll be interesting to see who is on our lists. I got to tell you though, this is sure a weird life we lead.

DAVID
Yeah it's quite a semi real life we lead here, not dead, but not really alive either, but that was the deal. Sometimes I just hate it. At least we can enjoy food and have sex, even if we can't be reproductive or have more than a one night stand. And it is nice to really know what is on someone's mind for real, even if we have to concentrate to read one.

BRIAN
I think the word your looking for is sterile, as in we're sterile. As for the one night stand rule, well I happen to know that the boss, contrary to popular belief, doesn't know what every one of us millions of his assistants is doing all the time.

DAVID
You'd be surprised what he knows. And he's a bit of a stickler for his rules, so I'd follow them if I was you.

BRIAN
Right, the guy can keep track of all of us, I don't think so. I try and have a little fun when I'm out collecting. Being an assistant grim reaper isn't fun, unless you make it fun for yourself.

DAVID
Well its a grim job, pun intended but I don't see how you get your kicks tormenting those you are about to collect bud. I've warned you about that, it can piss the boss off.

BRIAN
Hey, their dead, gone, or will be as soon as I get to them, what's the harm in having a little fun?

DAVID
Well bud I've been doing this for over 150 years now, and I don't think the boss likes anyone who is mean or sadistic in his work, its unprofessional. He gave us this life that goes on for as long as he wishes it to. Remember you can be taken just like anyone else if the boss finds he no longer has need of your service.

BRIAN
Oh lighten up dude! So what if I do my job with a bit of fun, at least for me. I mean we can walk right through doors, walls or any other barrier to collect the people on our list. We can be invisible if we so chose. We can't be hurt or killed by anything in this world and we can read their minds to see what they are thinking, where's the challenge in that? I like to talk my way into having them let me in.

DAVID
Yeah, showing them the person they most want to see isn't much of a challenge. Just because you can read their minds and project who they want to see doesn't mean you have to torment them before you collect them. As for being invincible, remember it's only as long as the boss wants it that way.

BRIAN
**** off Dude, you collect your list your way, I'll collect my list my way. You're not my boss, the grim reaper is and he doesn't scare me!

DAVID
Just trying to give you some good advice bud, what you do with it is up to you. We have some pretty good perks here, all the money we need, a nice house to live in, you should focus on the good stuff.

BRIAN
Yeah, no real life, no real relationships, no contact with the people in our past! What a great life this is!

DAVID
Like you said, we chose this life of our own free will, make the best of it bud.

BRIAN
OK, OK like I said I'm going to do it my way. After all we're just hired hands doing what the grim reaper orders us to do. We just collect souls or life forces or whatever for him. So where do you think these people on the list go after we take them dude?

DAVID
Heaven, hell, a parking garage in New Jersey, into the ether, who knows. I don't worry about that, that's the boss's job, not mine.

BRIAN
Well why can't we have a scythe instead of these dumb sickles. Hell The damn things don't even cut the person, they just pass right through them and they die.

DAVID
Only the boss gets to use a scythe, besides its just for show anyway. I mean we just have to touch them with our sickles and they are gone, off To where ever they go. The boss like to keep it neat and clean when we take someone who's time is up, as opposed to when the die in some violent way. Speaking of go, here's our lists for the day, time to get dressed and on the job.





With that the lists appear on the table by each man, they snap their fingers and are instantly dressed in the robes and hoods, with the sickles in hand.

FADE OUT:

ACT II

FADE IN:

EXT.



Brian goes to collect the first of three people on his list, a single guy in a trailer named Andy. Andy is getting stoned and drinking. He studies his mind, sees who he most wants to see, a girl named Debbie on TV selling lingerie and projects her image.

Knock Knock.

ANDY
Who's there?

BRIAN AS DEBBIE
Debbie from the house of lingerie, here to show you some samples. I bet you didn't think I'd respond to your e-mails, but here I am!

ANDY
Wha... hey, you are Debbie, well come right in, sorry the place is such a mess, you know how bad bachelors can be.

Brian drops the facade and shows his true self.

BRIAN
Surprise!

With that he slices his Sickle through Andy and he falls to the floor dead.



BRIAN
That was too easy, I think I'll be more creative on my next collection.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

Brian goes to the next person on his list, a single lady named Ruth. He reads her mind and sees that her husband died a couple of years ago. She prays for him daily and wishes he was back with her.

BRIAN
(thinking to himself)
I wonder if I can fool her into thinking he has come back from the dead.

Knock Knock

RUTH
Who's there?

BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
It's me Ben Ruth.

RUTH
Ben? But your dead!

BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
No I'm not, just look out the window, I'm right here.

Ruth looks out the window and sees Ben standing on her porch.

RUTH
But I was at your funeral, watched them lower you into the ground.

BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
Look I can explain it, just open the door and let me in.

RUTH
I don't know who you are, but your not my husband. Go away or I'll call the police!

Brian reads her mind some more and finds some intimate details of their life that only her and Ben knew.

BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
Jeez Ruth, I'm your husband and I can prove it. Remember when we went skinny dipping up at Lake Tahoe when we were newlyweds? How about the time you broke that crystal vase from my mom and we rushed out to get a new one.

RUTH
Well, I know no one else knows about those things, I'll let you in, but I've got a gun!

BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
Fair enough, I know your a pretty good shot dear, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here because God sent me to be with you. You still believe in God and miracles don't you?

RUTH
Of course, doesn't everyone?, but if you're some kind of fake I'll shoot your ass off! So keep your distance!

With that she opens the door and lets him in.

BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
There see, it's me! If you let me get a little closer I'll show you something that will prove who I am.

RUTH
My God! You are Ben, what happened? How is this possible?
BRIAN AS HER HUSBAND
(He slowly opens up his hand to
show her a big ruby)

See what I brought for you your favorite stone a ruby! I'll put it in a ring or necklace for you.

RUTH
I guess miracles do happen, oh what a beautiful stone.

As she goes to touch the stone in his hand he turns into the reaper.

BRIAN
Surprise!

RUTH
Surprise back ass hole.

With that she shoots him several times. We see the blood start to flow from the wounds, only to reverse and flow backward and the wounds close. She backs up slowly in horror.

BRIAN
Sorry Ruth, you can't kill a reaper. So double surprise!

With that he whacks her with the sickle.

BRIAN
(Thinking out loud.)
Well that was fun. I think I'll try this with my next collection.

FADE OUT:

With that he pulls out a knife, puts it back in its sheath and goes to the next collection. He reads the mind of a woman who had a child of ten disappear eight years ago. He gathers a few facts only her son would know and puts on the face of a young man who looks like a grown up version of her son.

FADE IN:

Knock Knock.

SARAH
Who's there?

BRIAN AS HER SON
It's me mom, its Tom. I'm all grown up, almost. I was kidnapped but I got away and came straight home. Let me in.

SARAH
(looking out the window)
How do I know your my son?

BRIAN AS HER SON
Because I can tell you things that only you and I know mom. Remember when you had that can of whip cream malfunction and sprayed all over you?

SARAH
Yes. What else do you know?

BRIAN AS HER SON
I walked in on you and your ex having sex when I was seven. Remember when we buried my pet lizard that same year in the back yard, just you and me?

SARAH
OK, no one else knew those things, you might be my son, you sure look like him.

BRIAN AS HER SON
Look ma it's great to be home, give me a hug!

With that Brian spreads his arms out and Sarah gives him a hug.

SARAH
Y God I'd given up hope you'd ever be found alive, and now your here!

BRIAN AS HER SON
Surprise.

With that he sticks his knife into her and blood starts flowing out as she slowly dies.

BRIAN
(speaking to himself)
Well that was interesting, I'll have to explore this creative side of killing the almost dead a little more.

FADE OUT:

With that he leaves the house and goes back home. As he leaves a hooded figure looks out the window by the door at him.

ACT III

FADE IN:

INT:

It's the next morning and Brian and David are at the breakfast table eating before they get ready for the next day.



DAVID
So I see one of your collections went wrong.

BRIAN
What do you mean?

DAVID
I read in the paper that one of your collections was murdered with a knife. What happened?

BRIAN
Yeah, that was weird I got there and someone had killed her already. Oh well, the boss got her soul so at least that part went right.

DAVID
Well I hope that's what happened because the boss knows more than you think he does about his assistant reapers.

BRIAN
I got nothing to worry about, I don't know who killed her the boss got his soul what's the problem?

DAVID
As I've said the boss likes us to be professional in our duties, you don't want to piss him off.

BRIAN
(a bit nervous)
No worries dude I follow the rules. We should be getting our lists for the day, usually they are here before now.

As Brian says that two lists apear on the table.

DAVID
Well time to get to work I've got four on my list how about you Brian?

BRIAN
I've got one so it looks like I got the rest of the day off after that, cool. Too bad you have to work or we could go out and have some fun, maybe pick up some chicks, know what I mean?

DAVID
Would be nice, but my plate's full for today, enjoy your haly day off.
BRIAN
Have a good day dude and finish your breakfast.

DAVID
I've lost my appetite, time to get ready for the day.

With that David and Brian gets up and snap their fingers and instantly they are in their reaper robes and hoods. They both leave the house to pick up their collections. Brian goes to the first house, but he can't read the mind of the person inside. So he decides to look like a meter reader.

Knock Knock.

A female voice that sounds familiar answers "Who's there."

Brian as the meter reader.
Meter reader mam, we need to see if you have a gas leak as our records show there is one in the neighborhood. Can I get your name please?

JUDY
It's Judy, let me see some identification first before I let you in.

BRIAN
No problem mam, here it is.

He holds up what looks like an ID card with his face on it.

JUDY
OK come on in.

She opens the door. Brian is shocked to see that Judy is an old girlfriend that dumped him years ago. She gives him a hug and whispers in his ear, Knock Knock Brian. Brian recoils in horror as Judy turns into the boss, who swings in his scythe as Brian screams in terror.

FADE OUT:

The end
 
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Interesting concept, seems like it could use a fair amount of doctoring in terms of character and dialogue though.
 
Hi David. The concept is good, but the script development is off. Things are described in action that we have no way of knowing how you mean to convey them to an audience. For instance...

"Brian goes to collect the first of three people on his list, a single guy in a trailer. He is getting stoned and drinking. He studies his mind, sees who he most wants to see, a girl named Debbie on TV selling lingerie and projects her image."

First, it's confusing. It's hard to tell whether you mean Brian is getting stoned and drinking, or the guy in the trailer. Second, you need to describe everything that Brian sees in the man's mind -- describe visually what you expect to show on the screen. Also, just saying "EXT." isn't adequate. It needs to be "EXT. TRAILER - DAY" at the very least.

And the dialogue needs work. Brian and David repeat the same things too much. "I'm going to do it my way and have fun." "The boss won't like it." Repeated too much.

The ending could stand a bit of a change. Give Brian a list too. When he shows up at the first location, he goes inside but nobody is there. Then a knock on the door. David is standing there and delivers the 'surprise'. And end it on the 'surprise' -- no need for the dialogue after about Brian being the best trainee he ever had, etc.

OR.....the knock on the door, Brian opens it, and it's the boss himself standing there to deliver the 'surprise'. Take out David's dialogue about having to collect someone who is a friend -- so the audience isn't tipped off to what's going to happen.

Good start, though!
 
Here's another thought, for what it's worth....

What if Brian's 'fun' is to appear at the person's door (like you have it) and once he's inside say, "I've got a joke for you. Knock-knock?" The incredulous person responds, "Who's there?" Then Brian reveals himself as a reaper and says "Death!" with an evil laugh. The victim SCREAMS in terror as he or she is sickled! Brian thinks it's funny as....um.....hell.

So in the last scene.....Brian enters the empty house. Nobody there. He turns to leave. Opens the door -- and there stands the boss! And with a voice that sounds like it comes from the pits of Hell itself, the boss says, "Knock-knock!" Brian SCREAMS -- cut to black -- the end.

Just an idea....
 
OR......standing at the door is the love of Brian's long-lost life. The person he thought he'd never see again. He's dumbfounded! They exchange a few words and an embrace -- then she looks him in the eye and says, "Brian........Knock knock?"

Slowly a horrible realization comes over Brian and he backs away as the love of his life turns into the boss himself! Brian SCREAMS! -- cut to black -- the end.
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
OR......standing at the door is the love of Brian's long-lost life. The person he thought he'd never see again. He's dumbfounded! They exchange a few words and an embrace -- then she looks him in the eye and says, "Brian........Knock knock?"

Slowly a horrible realization comes over Brian and he backs away as the love of his life turns into the boss himself! Brian SCREAMS! -- cut to black -- the end.
Click to expand...

chapelgrovefilms said:
Here's another thought, for what it's worth....

What if Brian's 'fun' is to appear at the person's door (like you have it) and once he's inside say, "I've got a joke for you. Knock-knock?" The incredulous person responds, "Who's there?" Then Brian reveals himself as a reaper and says "Death!" with an evil laugh. The victim SCREAMS in terror as he or she is sickled! Brian thinks it's funny as....um.....hell.

So in the last scene.....Brian enters the empty house. Nobody there. He turns to leave. Opens the door -- and there stands the boss! And with a voice that sounds like it comes from the pits of Hell itself, the boss says, "Knock-knock!" Brian SCREAMS -- cut to black -- the end.

Just an idea....
Click to expand...

chapelgrovefilms said:
Hi David. The concept is good, but the script development is off. Things are described in action that we have no way of knowing how you mean to convey them to an audience. For instance...

"Brian goes to collect the first of three people on his list, a single guy in a trailer. He is getting stoned and drinking. He studies his mind, sees who he most wants to see, a girl named Debbie on TV selling lingerie and projects her image."

First, it's confusing. It's hard to tell whether you mean Brian is getting stoned and drinking, or the guy in the trailer. Second, you need to describe everything that Brian sees in the man's mind -- describe visually what you expect to show on the screen. Also, just saying "EXT." isn't adequate. It needs to be "EXT. TRAILER - DAY" at the very least.

And the dialogue needs work. Brian and David repeat the same things too much. "I'm going to do it my way and have fun." "The boss won't like it." Repeated too much.

The ending could stand a bit of a change. Give Brian a list too. When he shows up at the first location, he goes inside but nobody is there. Then a knock on the door. David is standing there and delivers the 'surprise'. And end it on the 'surprise' -- no need for the dialogue after about Brian being the best trainee he ever had, etc.

OR.....the knock on the door, Brian opens it, and it's the boss himself standing there to deliver the 'surprise'. Take out David's dialogue about having to collect someone who is a friend -- so the audience isn't tipped off to what's going to happen.

Good start, though!
Click to expand...

Great ideas all of them David, I like the idea of the Boss doing him in. Also I like the idea of him thinking he is seeing his long lost love, who turns into the boss. I'm glad you were the guy I picked to be the script doctor for the script for Holy War, you have some great ideas that mesh well with what I want to do with both the short Knock Knock and Holy War.

David
 
NashvilleActors said:
Hey, having a hard time reading the way it was pasted. Can you attach a .pdf or any other format so it would be easier to read?
Click to expand...

Copy it and past it into word I guess. I'm not having a hard time reading it, though I do wish I could put it up just like it is in Movie Magic Screenwriter, but this forum program changes it.

David
 
OK I made some changes as David suggested, and I'm open to any more ideas on how to clean up the dialog so if anyone is interested pick out a section and revise the dialog so that I can see what you mean. Also if you have some input as to the technical side of screenwriting, feel free to post them here so that I can add them to the script above as I did with David's thoughts. I've got to tell you that this is an interesting way to write a script with all the great minds here who want to help me out. Thanks a lot guys.

David
 
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Justin Kuhn said:
Interesting concept, seems like it could use a fair amount of doctoring in terms of character and dialogue though.
Click to expand...

Feel free to jump in with any thoughts you have on character and dialogue development bud. Though I can't pay anyone here for their suggestions due to budget constraints I will be glad to add anyone's name that contributed to the credits at the end of the film. Also I will credit this forum if the powers that be agree with the idea.

David
 
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Hey David. Since you were so kind with the compliments, I decided to take a few minutes -- okay, a few hours -- and do a rewrite of 'Knock Knock', just for fun. Don't feel obligated to use it or anything -- but here it is. Enjoy!

FADE IN:


001 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Two men -- DAVID and BRIAN -- are sitting at a small dinette table eating breakfast. Each is eating from a LARGE BOWL of cereal. On the table is a box of LIFE CEREAL.

DAVID, the older of the two, eats slowly, taking his time. BRIAN is younger. He eats faster, with enthusiasm, as if he's in a hurry to have breakfast out of the way.

BRIAN
Nice day for collections! Wonder how many will be on my list today?

DAVID
Yeah, that's right. Big day for you. It's your first day flying solo. Think you're ready?

BRIAN
Yeah man! More than ready!

DAVID regards BRIAN with a wary eye.

DAVID
Look Brian, just take your time, do your job, and don't screw up.

BRIAN
I know David, I know! Don't sweat it, man.

DAVID returns to eating his cereal.

BRIAN pours himself more cereal and milk.

BRIAN (cont'd)
Man, this is a weird life we lead, isn't it?

DAVID nods.

DAVID
Can't really call it 'life', though...

BRIAN
Well, we ain't DEAD.

DAVID
We ain't alive either! But that was the deal. It sucks sometimes. No real relationships. No contact with our loved ones or the people in our past...

BRIAN becomes wistful for a moment.

BRIAN
Yeah....that part does suck. I wonder what Judy's doin' now...

DAVID groans.

DAVID
Oh geez! Not JUDY again! Is that the ONLY person you ever knew?
(beat)
Look, this life sucks, but we chose it, for better or worse.

BRIAN
Well... it beats the hell out of the alternative!

DAVID nods in agreement.

DAVID
Yeah, the alternative we have waitin' for US. But some of the lucky bastards we collect are actually going UP, not DOWN.

BRIAN
Hey man, at least we get to breathe the air, enjoy food, and have SEX! That's what I'm talkin' about!

DAVID harrumphs.

DAVID
Sex? Yeah, sure. But we ain't allowed more'n a one night stand.

BRIAN grins.

BRIAN
So??? Who needs more than that? And we get to read MINDS, man! That's just radical!

DAVID
You're only supposed to use that on the people you're collecting -- for verification purposes.

BRIAN
I know, man -- but hell Dave, it makes pickin' up the chickies so damn EASY!

BRIAN chuckles with glee.

DAVID
Yeah, you won't think it's so funny when the Boss finds out.

BRIAN
Aw man, the Boss ain't gonna find out. He can't keep track of ALL of us ALL the time. What're there? A MILLION assistant reapers? No way he can know what we're all doin'.

DAVID eyeballs BRIAN.

DAVID
Don't you bet on it, Brian. You'd be surprised what the Boss knows. And I hear he's a real stickler for RULES.

BRIAN shrugs.

BRIAN
I ain't worried. As long as I'm an assistant reaper, I plan to have some FUN!

DAVID
Yeah, well just remember -- if the Boss finds out, he can end your time here just like that!

DAVID snaps his fingers.

DAVID (cont'd)
And then you KNOW where you're headed, right?

BRIAN shudders at the thought, then regains his carefree attitude.

BRIAN
I do my job. The Boss won't care HOW I do it. Besides, a guy's gotta have some fun once in awhile. You collect 'em your way Dave, and I'll collect 'em mine.

DAVID gives up.

DAVID
Suit yourself. It's your funeral.

BRIAN laughs.

BRIAN
That's a good one!

BRIAN reaches down to the floor and picks up a SICKLE that is lying there. He looks at it.

BRIAN (cont'd)
Why can't we have scythes instead of these dumb-ass sickles??? Hell, these damn things don't even cut the person! They just pass right through 'em, and then they die. Where's the fun in that???

DAVID
It ain't supposed to be fun! And only the Boss gets a scythe. You just be happy with what you've got. That sickle's all you need to send a soul to its just reward.

A BUZZING sound is heard.

DAVID (cont'd)
Yep....here come the lists now. Time to hit the bricks.

With a FLASH of light, two pieces of paper appear on the table beside the two men.

They stand and SNAP their fingers -- and instantly each one is dressed in the black robes and hoods of assistant reapers.


They pick up their sickles and their individual lists.

BRIAN
Time for some FUN!

DAVID just shakes his head.

With another finger-snap, they vanish.

 
002 INT. LIVING ROOM - RUN-DOWN MOBILE HOME - CONTINUOUS

ANDY sits alone in the living room of his decrepit mobile home. He has the look of an unwashed, unshaven middle-aged hippie.

ANDY is smoking a joint. A beer sits on the table beside him.

He is watching TV. The SEXIEST WOMAN he's ever seen (DEBBIE) is modeling the sexiest LINGERIE he's ever seen! TITLES on the screen read "DEBBIE'S HOUSE OF LINGERIE" and "Debbie Wearing Her Latest Creation".

ANDY'S mouth hangs open, practically drooling.

A moment later his drooling is interrupted by a KNOCK at the door.

SFX: KNOCKING

Irritated, ANDY calls out...

ANDY
Yeah? Who the hell is it?

DEBBIE
It's Debbie. You know.....from Debbie's House of Lingerie?

There is only one thing in the world that could tear ANDY away from the TV at this moment -- and that one thing just knocked on his door!

ANDY falls all over himself rushing to get to the door. He OPENS it to find DEBBIE standing there -- wearing exactly the same lingerie he just saw her in on TV.

DEBBIE (cont'd)
(smiles)
Hi Andy! I'm Debbie.

ANDY can't get out an intelligible word.

ANDY
Whu...uh...duh...ah....buh....

DEBBIE giggles.

DEBBIE
I bet you say that to all the girls! Can I come in?

Dumbfounded, ANDY just NODS and steps aside, as DEBBIE enters his ratty trailer.

She looks around.

DEBBIE (cont'd)
Wow! I love what you've done with the place.

ANDY is still star-struck, but is starting to form actual words now.

ANDY
Whu...uh....yeah...um.... Thanks... Wha-- What're you doin' here?

DEBBIE turns and looks him in the eye.

DEBBIE
I came to tell you a joke!

ANDY is confused -- but still drooling.

ANDY
Uh....a joke?

DEBBIE
Yeah, silly! A knock-knock joke.

The whole thing is starting to seem surreal to ANDY. But he's going along for the ride.

ANDY
Um....uh....yeah....oh...okay...

DEBBIE steps very close to him and purses her lips sensuously.
DEBBIE
Knock knock...

ANDY nods.

ANDY
Uh...who....who's there?

DEBBIE smiles.

Then she suddenly MORPHS into the specter of BRIAN as the reaper!

ANDY'S eyes go WIDE OPEN in SHOCK.

BRIAN/REAPER
DEATH!!!!!

With an evil LAUGH, BRIAN swings his SICKLE. ANDY SCREAMS in TERROR, then drops DEAD on the floor.

BRIAN laughs hysterically. Then he SNAPS his fingers and VANISHES.

 
003 INT. LIVING ROOM - RUTH'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

RUTH is a somewhat older woman. She sits on her couch alone, CROCHETING a doily. A TEACUP sits on the TABLE beside her.

After a few moments she puts the CROCHET down. She takes a SIP from the TEACUP, draining the last drops from it. She sets the TEACUP back down on the TABLE.

RUTH stands and walks over to the MANTLE. She looks at a FRAMED PHOTO of her with a MAN who is clearly her husband. She touches the photo fondly, and heaves a sorrowful SIGH.

A moment later her DOORBELL rings.

SFX: Doorbell

RUTH
Oh dear. Who could that be?

She pats her hair in an attempt to make it more presentable, as she walks across the living room to the FRONT DOOR.

She OPENS the door -- and her HANDS fly to her MOUTH as she GASPS in shock and amazement. There on her front porch stands HER HUSBAND (BEN)!

RUTN (cont'd)
(shocked)
Oh my GOD!

BEN smiles.

BEN
Hello Ruth. How are you?

RUTH is beside herself.

RUTH
Ben??! Ben...is that you???

BEN
In the flesh.

RUTH
But...but....you're DEAD!

BEN
It's me, Ruth.

RUTH
You're dead! I was at your funeral. I watched them lower you into the ground!

BEN
Calm down, Ruthie. I can explain...

RUTH is still in shock.

RUTH
No no no....this can't be! It just CAN'T...

BEN
Ruth....listen to me. I'm here because God sent me.

RUTH
God...?

BEN
Yes sweetheart. God sent me.

RUTH
But....but WHY???

BEN
He sent me to deliver a message to you, Ruthie. A personal message straight from God.

RUTH
A....a message??? Wha-- What message?

BEN
Well....it's more like a parable. But it's in the form of a joke.

RUTH
A...a JOKE???

BEN
Oh yes, my dear! The Almighty has a wonderful sense of humor! And he sent me here to deliver this VERY special joke -- just for YOU!

RUTH looks as if she's about to faint. She struggles to hold herself together.

RUTH
What....what is it?

BEN leans close to her.

BEN
Knock knock......

CUT TO:


004 EXT. STREET BESIDE RUTH'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

We cannot see RUTH or BEN. Suddenly, RUTH'S terrified SCREAMS are heard -- then quickly silenced!

A moment later, BRIAN in his reaper garb comes strolling around the corner of the house, LAUGHING hysterically. In his hand he carries a BLOODY KNIFE.

He pauses to catch his breath.

BRIAN/REAPER
This is SUCH a GAS! So much BLOOD!

He LAUGHS evilly!

BRIAN WIPES the KNIFE on the grass to get the BLOOD off, then puts the KNIFE inside his robes. From his robes he pulls his LIST and looks it over.

BRIAN/REAPER (cont'd)
Next victim.....Sarah Smithers. Hmmm..... It's time to have even MORE fun!

He reaches inside his robes and pulls out a HATCHET.

With an EVIL LAUGH and a SNAP of his fingers, BRIAN vanishes.

In a WINDOW on the side of the HOUSE, the CURTAIN is pulled back. There, standing in BLACK ROBES, holding a SCYTHE, stands THE BOSS -- his EYES glowing RED as he looks at the spot where BRIAN was standing.

THE BOSS snaps his fingers -- and VANISHES.

 
005 EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS

TOM walks up to the front door. He puts his HAND on the doorknob and tries to turn it -- but it's locked. His hand GLOWS for a moment, then the doorknob turns freely and the door opens.


006 INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

The door opens, and TOM steps into the house. He calls out.

TOM
Mom???

He closes the door behind him and calls again.

TOM (cont'd)
MOM??? It's me....Tom! I'm home from college!

But there is no answer. The house is empty.

TOM morphs into BRIAN as the reaper. He holds the HATCHET in his hand.

BRIAN/REAPER
Helloooooo???

Still no response.

Irritated, BRIAN tucks the HATCHET into his robes and pulls out his LIST. He looks at the LIST.

BRIAN/REAPER (cont'd)
(irritated)
Dammit! Somebody screwed up! That ***** was supposed to BE here! NOW what am I supposed to do???

At that moment there comes a KNOCK at the door. A woman's voice calls through the door.

JUDY (O/S)
Hello? Mrs. Smithers??

BRIAN turns and STARES at the door. He knows that voice!

He tucks the LIST back into his robes. In a FLASH, he morphs into his regular street clothes.

He walks over and opens the door -- and there on the porch stands JUDY. She looks at him in SURPRISE!

JUDY (CONT'D)
Brian??! Oh wow! I haven't seen you in..... WOW!

She steps inside and gives BRIAN a big HUG.

JUDY (cont'd)
How have you been? WHERE have you been??? Everybody's been looking for you ever since the party....

BRIAN
Yeah....yeah.... Wow, Judy! You look great! Really great!

JUDY blushes and smiles.

JUDY
Thanks! So do you! So what happened to you after the party? You never came home.

BRIAN
Yeah, yeah....I know. I had a little....um.....accident....

JUDY
(laughs)
Yeah....you always were accident prone! It's just so good to see you! What're you doing here???

BRIAN
Oh....well...uh....I was......

JUDY
Knock knock.

BRIAN looks at her in dismay.

BRIAN
What??

Suddenly, JUDY morphs into THE BOSS, who holds his SCYTHE menacingly.

BRIAN'S eyes go WIDE in TERROR.

With a VOICE that sounds like the very pits of hell itself, THE BOSS speaks....

BOSS
(ominously)
Knock.....knock.....

THE BOSS raises his SCYTHE as BRIAN SCREAMS in TERROR!

CUT TO BLACK:

THE END
 
Here is my revision David, I just put in a little more balance between the two main characters religion wise, and I added your name as a screenwiter.


Knock Knock

Screen play by David M Payne and David W Richardson.
© 2008

FADE IN:


001 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Two men -- DAVID and BRIAN -- are sitting at a small dinette table eating breakfast. Each is eating from a LARGE BOWL of cereal. On the table is a box of LIFE CEREAL.

DAVID, the older of the two, eats slowly, taking his time. BRIAN is younger. He eats faster, with enthusiasm, as if he's in a hurry to have breakfast out of the way.

BRIAN
Nice day for collections! Wonder how many will be on my list today?

DAVID
Yeah, that's right. Big day for you. It's your first day flying solo. Think you're ready?

BRIAN
Yeah man! More than ready!

DAVID regards BRIAN with a wary eye.

DAVID
Look Brian, just take your time, do your job, and don't screw up.

BRIAN
I know David, I know! Don't sweat it, man.

DAVID returns to eating his cereal.

BRIAN pours himself more cereal and milk.

BRIAN (cont'd)
Man, this is a weird life we lead, isn't it?

DAVID nods.

DAVID
Can't really call it 'life', though...

BRIAN
Well, we ain’t DEAD.

DAVID
We aren't alive either! But that was the deal. It sucks sometimes. No real relationships. No contact with our loved ones or the people in our past...

BRIAN becomes wistful for a moment.

BRIAN
Yeah....that part does suck. I wonder what Judy's doin' now...

DAVID groans.

DAVID
Oh geez! Not JUDY again! Is that the ONLY woman you ever knew?
(beat)
Look, this life sucks, but we chose it, for better or worse.

BRIAN
Well... it beats the hell out of the alternative!

DAVID nods in agreement.

DAVID
Yeah, the alternative we have waitin' for US. But some of the lucky bastards we collect are actually going UP, not DOWN.

BRIAN
You don't know where they're going, it could be a parking garage in New Jersey or off into the either. We work for the grim reaper, not God!
(beat)
Hey man, at least we get to breathe the air, enjoy food, and have SEX! That's what I'm talkin' about!

DAVID harrumphs. I still don't understand why the Boss picked an agnostic like you for this job.

BRIAN
It just goes to show you that death doesn’t discriminate. Although I wish he'd let us have more that a one night stand. I'd like a real girlfriend like Judy again.

DAVID
You just want the Sex! Besides we ain't allowed more'n a one night stand, so forget Judy!

BRIAN grins.

BRIAN
So??? I guess your right, who needs more than that? And we get to read MINDS, man, and we can walk right through walls! That's just radical!

DAVID
You're only supposed to use that on the people you're collecting -- for verification purposes.

BRIAN
I know, man -- but hell Dave, it makes pickin' up the chickies so damn EASY!

BRIAN chuckles with glee.

DAVID
Yeah, you won't think it's so funny when the Boss finds out.

BRIAN
Aw man, the Boss ain't gonna find out. He can't keep track of ALL of us ALL the time. What're there? A MILLION assistant reapers? No way he can know what we're all doin'.

DAVID eyeballs BRIAN.

DAVID
Don't you bet on it, Brian. You'd be surprised what the Boss knows. And I hear he's a real stickler for the RULES.

BRIAN shrugs.

BRIAN
I ain't worried. As long as I'm an assistant reaper, I plan to have some FUN!

DAVID
Yeah, well just remember -- if the Boss finds out, he can end your time here just like that!

DAVID snaps his fingers.

DAVID (cont'd)
And then you KNOW where you're headed, right?

BRIAN shudders at the thought, then regains his carefree attitude.

BRIAN
first off you don't KNOW where anyone we take is headed. You have your beliefs, I have mine. I do my job. The Boss won't care HOW I do it. Besides, a guy's gotta have some fun once in awhile. You collect 'em your way Dave, and I'll collect 'em mine.

DAVID gives up.

DAVID
Suit yourself. It's your funeral.

BRIAN laughs.

BRIAN
That's a good one!

BRIAN reaches down to the floor and picks up a SICKLE that is lying there. He looks at it.

BRIAN (cont'd)
Why can't we have scythes instead of these dumb-ass sickles??? Hell, these damn things don't even cut the person! They just pass right through 'em, and then they die. Where's the fun in that???

DAVID
It ain't supposed to be fun! And only the Boss gets a scythe. You just be happy with what you've got. That sickle's all you need to send a soul to its just reward. Besides if you'd ever picked up a scythe you'd know how heavy they are, be grateful you don't have to lug one of um around.

A BUZZING sound is heard.

DAVID (cont'd)
Yep....here come the lists now. Time to hit the bricks.

With a FLASH of light, two pieces of paper appear on the table beside the two men.

They stand and SNAP their fingers -- and instantly each one is dressed in the dark robes and hoods of assistant reapers.


They pick up their sickles and their individual lists.

BRIAN
Time for some FUN!

DAVID just shakes his head.

With another finger-snap, they vanish.
002 INT. LIVING ROOM - RUN-DOWN MOBILE HOME - CONTINUOUS

ANDY sits alone in the living room of his decrepit mobile home. He has the look of an unwashed, unshaven middle-aged hippie.

ANDY is smoking a joint. A beer sits on the table beside him.

He is watching TV. The SEXIEST WOMAN he's ever seen (DEBBIE) is modeling the sexiest LINGERIE he's ever seen! TITLES on the screen read "DEBBIE'S HOUSE OF LINGERIE" and "Debbie Wearing Her Latest Creation".

ANDY'S mouth hangs open, practically drooling.

A moment later his drooling is interrupted by a KNOCK at the door.

SFX: KNOCKING

Irritated, ANDY calls out...

ANDY
Yeah? Who the hell is it?

DEBBIE
It's Debbie. You know.....from Debbie's House of Lingerie? I've brought you a little fashion show let me in. You should see what I'm wearing under this dress.

There is only one thing in the world that could tear ANDY away from the TV at this moment -- and that one thing just knocked on his door!

ANDY falls all over himself rushing to get to the door. He OPENS it to find DEBBIE standing there—Wearing a very sexy dress.

DEBBIE (cont'd)
(smiles)
Hi Andy! I'm Debbie. You were picked from our e-mail list to get your own peek at my latest fashions.

ANDY can't get out an intelligible word.

ANDY
Whu...uh...duh...ah....buh....

DEBBIE giggles.

DEBBIE
I bet you say that to all the girls! Can I come in?

Dumbfounded, ANDY just NODS and steps aside, as DEBBIE enters his ratty trailer.

She looks around.

DEBBIE (cont'd)
Wow! I love what you've done with the place.

ANDY is still star-struck, but is starting to form actual words now.

ANDY
Whu...uh....yeah...um.... Thanks... Wha-- What're you doin' here?

DEBBIE turns and looks him in the eye.

DEBBIE
I came to tell you a joke!

ANDY is confused -- but still drooling.

ANDY
Uh....a joke?

DEBBIE
Yeah, silly! A knock-knock joke.

The whole thing is starting to seem surreal to ANDY. But he's going along for the ride.

ANDY
Um....uh....yeah....oh...okay...

DEBBIE steps very close to him and purses her lips sensuously.
DEBBIE
Knock knock...

ANDY nods.

ANDY
Uh...who....who's there?

DEBBIE smiles.

Then she suddenly MORPHS into the specter of BRIAN as the reaper!

ANDY'S eyes go WIDE OPEN in SHOCK.

BRIAN/REAPER
DEATH!!!!!

With an evil LAUGH, BRIAN swings his SICKLE. ANDY SCREAMS in TERROR, then drops DEAD on the floor.

BRIAN laughs hysterically. Then he SNAPS his fingers and VANISHES.
003 INT. LIVING ROOM - RUTH'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

RUTH is a somewhat older woman. She sits on her couch alone, CROCHETING a doily. A TEACUP sits on the TABLE beside her.

After a few moments she puts the CROCHET down. She takes a SIP from the TEACUP, draining the last drops from it. She sets the TEACUP back down on the TABLE.

RUTH stands and walks over to the MANTLE. She looks at a FRAMED PHOTO of her with a MAN who is clearly her husband. She touches the photo fondly, and heaves a sorrowful SIGH.

A moment later her DOORBELL rings.

SFX: Doorbell

RUTH
Oh dear. Who could that be?

She pats her hair in an attempt to make it more presentable, as she walks across the living room to the FRONT DOOR.

She OPENS the door -- and her HANDS fly to her MOUTH as she GASPS in shock and amazement. There on her front porch stands HER HUSBAND (BEN)!

RUTN (cont'd)
(shocked)
Oh my GOD!

BEN smiles.

BEN
Hello Ruth. How are you?

RUTH is beside herself.

RUTH
Ben??! Ben...is that you???

BEN
In the flesh.

RUTH
But...but....you're DEAD!

BEN
It's me, Ruth.

RUTH
You're dead! I was at your funeral. I watched them lower you into the ground!

BEN
Calm down, Ruthie. I can explain...

RUTH is still in shock.

RUTH
No no no....this can't be! It just CAN'T...

BEN
Ruth....listen to me. I'm here because God sent me.

RUTH
God...?

BEN
Yes sweetheart. God sent me.

RUTH
But....but WHY???

BEN
He sent me to deliver a message to you, Ruthie. A personal message straight from God.

RUTH
A....a message??? Wha-- What message?

BEN
Well....it's more like a parable. But it's in the form of a joke.

RUTH
A...a JOKE???

BEN
Oh yes, my dear! The Almighty has a wonderful sense of humor! And he sent me here to deliver this VERY special joke -- just for YOU!

RUTH looks as if she's about to faint. She struggles to hold herself together.

RUTH
What....what is it?

BEN leans close to her.

BEN
Knock knock......

CUT TO:


004 EXT. STREET BESIDE RUTH'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

We cannot see RUTH or BEN. Suddenly, RUTH'S terrified SCREAMS are heard -- then quickly silenced!

A moment later, BRIAN in his reaper garb comes strolling around the corner of the house, LAUGHING hysterically. In his hand he carries a BLOODY KNIFE.

He pauses to catch his breath.

BRIAN/REAPER
This is SUCH a GAS! So much BLOOD!

He LAUGHS evilly!

BRIAN WIPES the KNIFE on the grass to get the BLOOD off, then puts the KNIFE inside his robes. From his robes he pulls his LIST and looks it over.

BRIAN/REAPER (cont'd)
Next victim.....Sarah Smithers. Hmmm..... It's time to have even MORE fun!

He reaches inside his robes and pulls out a HATCHET.

With an EVIL LAUGH and a SNAP of his fingers, BRIAN vanishes.

In a WINDOW on the side of the HOUSE, the CURTAIN is pulled back. There, standing in DARK ROBES, holding a SCYTHE, stands THE BOSS -- his EYES glowing RED as he looks at the spot where BRIAN was standing.

THE BOSS snaps his fingers -- and VANISHES.
005 EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS

TOM walks up to the front door. He puts his HAND on the doorknob and tries to turn it -- but it's locked. His hand GLOWS for a moment, then the doorknob turns freely and the door opens.


006 INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

The door opens, and BRIAN as TOM steps into the house. He calls out.

TOM
Mom???

He closes the door behind him and calls again.

TOM (cont'd)
MOM??? It's me....Tom! I'm home from college!

But there is no answer. The house is empty.

TOM morphs into BRIAN as the reaper. He holds the HATCHET in his hand.

BRIAN/REAPER
Helloooooo???

Still no response.

Irritated, BRIAN tucks the HATCHET into his robes and pulls out his LIST. He looks at the LIST.

BRIAN/REAPER (cont'd)
(irritated)
Dammit! Somebody screwed up! That ***** was supposed to BE here! NOW what am I supposed to do???

At that moment there comes a KNOCK at the door. A woman's voice calls through the door.

JUDY (O/S)
Hello? Mrs. Smithers??

BRIAN turns and STARES at the door. He knows that voice!

He tucks the LIST back into his robes. In a FLASH, he morphs into his regular street clothes.

He walks over and opens the door -- and there on the porch stands JUDY. She looks at him in SURPRISE!

JUDY (CONT'D)
Brian??! Oh wow! I haven't seen you in..... WOW!

She steps inside and gives BRIAN a big HUG.

JUDY (cont'd)
How have you been? WHERE have you been??? Everybody's been looking for you ever since the party....

BRIAN
Yeah....yeah.... Wow, Judy! You look great! Really great!

JUDY blushes and smiles.

JUDY
Thanks! So do you! So what happened to you after the party? You never came home.

BRIAN
Yeah, yeah....I know. I had a little....um.....accident....

JUDY
(laughs)
Yeah....you always were accident prone! It's just so good to see you! What're you doing here???

BRIAN
Oh....well...uh....I was......

JUDY
Knock knock.

BRIAN looks at her in dismay.

BRIAN
What??

Suddenly, JUDY morphs into THE BOSS, who holds his SCYTHE menacingly.

BRIAN'S eyes go WIDE in TERROR.

With a VOICE that sounds like the very pits of hell itself, THE BOSS speaks....

BOSS
(ominously)
Knock.....knock.....

THE BOSS raises his SCYTHE as BRIAN SCREAMS in TERROR!

CUT TO BLACK: THE END
 
Hey David. Works for me! Good job. Always glad to get a credit, too.

I guess you caught the irony of the two 'reapers' eating big bowls of LIFE cereal, eh? ;)

This one will be fun. Send me a copy when you finish it.

Good luck!
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
Hey David. Works for me! Good job. Always glad to get a credit, too.

I guess you caught the irony of the two 'reapers' eating big bowls of LIFE cereal, eh? ;)

This one will be fun. Send me a copy when you finish it.

Good luck!
Click to expand...

Yeah I got the joke but now you broke my budget, I have to go buy a box of Life cereal! ;)

David
 
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