Short Script needs Critique.
- Thread starter STYLZ
- Start date
STYLZ
Well-known member
O.k. I tried to get people to read this once before awhile ago, with the same response as now"none" So Im going to derive my own critique from everyones silence/lack of interest. I'm going to guess my "hook" is weak. Apparently people are starting on the first page and not continuing. So I'll work on my hooks. Thanks for the critique.
OTTOEMEZZO
Active member
Can't see it, 'cause the winzip expired. Do you mind putting a word version or just simply putting it in dvxuser?
R
Romane19
Guest
This is brilliant man. Grade A stuff
R
Romane19
Guest
Danny is one hell of a character
It's too novelistic. I actually like novelistic screenplays but I think this one goes too far with too much stuff that you just can't film or tell visually.
The story itself didn't do a lot for me. As I see it, it's a story about paranoia? Is that it? As it is, you use that as a plot device rather than an essential character element. IMHOP I wouldn't go that route, I would milk the dogshite out of the paranoia and let the plot unfold organically instead of trying to make a twist, the twist didn't work at all for me.
The best part I thought was the gunshop scene and by far the best character was the gunshop clerk. So again, I think you've got a few things upside down in that a bit character dominated the script instead of the protagonist.
Take all this with a grain of salt. It's just one guy's opinion. What do I know.
The story itself didn't do a lot for me. As I see it, it's a story about paranoia? Is that it? As it is, you use that as a plot device rather than an essential character element. IMHOP I wouldn't go that route, I would milk the dogshite out of the paranoia and let the plot unfold organically instead of trying to make a twist, the twist didn't work at all for me.
The best part I thought was the gunshop scene and by far the best character was the gunshop clerk. So again, I think you've got a few things upside down in that a bit character dominated the script instead of the protagonist.
Take all this with a grain of salt. It's just one guy's opinion. What do I know.
NashvilleActors
Member
I like it. It Would be interesting to see the actual short if you was to film it.
Predictable ending I do have to add. I'm not sure what you were trying to go for though.
Predictable ending I do have to add. I'm not sure what you were trying to go for though.
STYLZ
Well-known member
Otto -I don't know how to put it on here without messing up format. I don't know how to do the word doc either. You can give me your e-mail and I can send it to you though.
Romane- Thanks for reading, glad you liked it.
Brian- thanks for reading. I agree with you on most things actually. This is what I needed to hear. I really appreciate your critique. This was my first completed short screenplay.(I'm 30 pages into a feature that I have been postponing for no good reason). So I'm just trying to improve.
Romane- Thanks for reading, glad you liked it.
Brian- thanks for reading. I agree with you on most things actually. This is what I needed to hear. I really appreciate your critique. This was my first completed short screenplay.(I'm 30 pages into a feature that I have been postponing for no good reason). So I'm just trying to improve.
R
Romane19
Guest
No problem man just keeping making great stuff
moonlitnite
Well-known member
Hi Stylz,
Not sure I'll read the script, but I'll post it for you so others can contribute. Next time I recommend you include a brief treatment.
Regard,
Michael
moonlitnite
Well-known member
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
The Living room is dark, the only light coming from the TV.
The light from it seems to illuminate only the face of it’s
sole watcher. DANNY sits on his couch staring blankly at the
TV. The light dancing on his face. He is a late 20’s white
male. He is a bit of the nerdy type. The TV is his only
source of entertainment. He is stiff and upright in his
chair so much so it seems eerie and strange.
As Danny flips the channel he stops on a local news report.
The field reporter RICH ROBERTSON is just beginning a report.
__________RICH
All behind me may be calm now, but
just a short while ago here at the
corner of Simmons and Alexander a
deadly shoot-out erupted between
police and a distraught resident of
this seemingly quite neighborhood.
(trailing off)
Police say they have no idea why..
__________DANNY
Simmons and Alexander? Closer,
getting closer.
Danny gets up and gets a city map and a marker out of a
drawer. He plops it down on the dining table where he marks
a spot on the map. The marks seem to form a circle around
something on the map.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Danny is sitting at his office cubicle typing on the
computer. It is towards the end of his work day, other
workers are filing past Danny going home. MARK and JIM stop
at Danny’s desk.
__________MARK
Hey Danny, you wanna go to the bar
with us and have a drink?
__________DANNY
No, I’m ok, thanks, I’m ok, thanks
guys.
__________JIM
(enthusiastically)
Come on Dan Dan, we won’t hurt you.
---
__________DANNY
No, thanks though, Jim, Mark, have
fun, thanks though.
This scene is repeated almost every day. Mark and Jim try to
get Danny to come out and have a few, relax, be social, but
every time Danny declines.
__________MARK
(sighs)
Alright maybe next time huh bud?
Mark taps Danny’s desk then he and Jim continue out of the
office.
__________DANNY
Yeah, next time guys, sure, next
time.
The last employee leaves, the door slamming, there is a
deafening silence.
Danny stops typing and just stares blankly for a few seconds,
then proceeds to pack up to head home.
Once Danny steps outside he stops for a few seconds and looks
around. He then proceeds to the bus stop down the street.
The whole time bear hugging his satchel with his stuff in it.
We see a montage of Danny waiting at the stop, on the bus
watching the characters that are on it with him, at another
bus stop ect... hugging the satchel like it’s a million
dollars.
EXT. APARTMENTS - NIGHT
Danny steps off his last bus for the night. We see the bus
number is 105. Danny begins his walk up the entrance way to
his apartments.
BANG, BANG, BANG.
A rapid succession of gun shot sounds ring out near by.
__________DANNY
F*ck, sh*t, motherf*cker.
Danny runs the rest of the way to his apartment. Breathing
hard, scared.
---
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Once inside Danny goes to a corner in the living room after
turning on the TV.
We see a montage of Danny, scared, stressed, watching the
different news cast throughout the night. There is no
mention of a shooting at his apartment complex.
EXT. APARTMENT - MORNING
Danny is leaving for work when he comes across TINA, an
attractive neighbor of his he has had a crush on for awhile.
Tina looks like the all American girl without the pseudo
glamour.
Danny looks tired, exhausted even.
__________TINA
(to Danny)
Good morning.
__________DANNY
(nervously)
Oh hi, morning, how you doing, nice
day out.
__________TINA
You OK?
DANNY
Yeah, just a little tired, was up
trying to find info on that
shooting here last night.
__________TINA
(surprised)
Really? When?
__________DANNY
7ish.
Tina looks unconvinced.
__________TINA
Hmm, I was here, didn’t hear
anything.
(pause)
Hey have you seen my cat?
---
__________DANNY
No, I haven’t, no why?
__________TINA
I can’t seem to find her.
__________DANNY
I’ll keep an eye out.
__________TINA
Ok thanks
(pause)
Well see ya
__________DANNY
Bye. See ya.
Danny continues to his bus stop. On the way he stops a
RESIDENT going the other way.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, did you hear about the
shooting last night here?
__________RESIDENT
No.
Danny continues on, looking back every few steps, confused
look plastered across his face.
EXT. OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
Danny is coming out of the office, last one out as usual. He
stops and stares for a few moments, but instead of going to
his usual bus stop he goes across the street to a different
one.
EXT. GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Danny is standing staring at the outside display window of a
gun shop. Guns are organized nicely in the window and their
is a self defense infomercial on a TV.
Danny goes inside. Familiar bell ringing as he enters.
INT. GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Danny approaches the CLERK slowly and nervously. The Clerk
is a middle aged white redneck.
---
Danny stands at the counter, the clerk is reading the paper,
he doesn’t acknowledge Danny until Danny clears his throat.
__________CLERK
(country accent)
Oh, sorry bout that, this city is
getting crazier by the moment.
Pretty soon everyone is gonna need
a gun.
The clerk spins the paper down onto the counter so Danny can
see what the clerk was reading. Danny looks down at the
paper. The headline reads “Homicides up 40%”.
__________CLERK (CONT'D)
So how can I help you?
__________DANNY
I’m thinking about buying a gun.
__________CLERK
We don’t believe in guns here.
The Clerk stares at Danny with a serious face.
Danny stares back. There is an uneasy silence. They stare
at each other for a good few seconds, testing each other,
Danny looks unsure, confused.
The Clerk bust out laughing.
__________CLERK (CONT'D)
I’m just f*cking with you son, you
came to the right place. We got
shotguns, machine guns, light,
medium and heavy, we got rifles,
assault and sniper, we got handguns
to many to name, we got grenade
launchers, single shot and
automatic, we got rockets, hell we
even got a bazooka, so what’s your
itch son?
Danny looks around before answering.
__________DANNY
Do do you have a stinger missle?
The Clerk and Danny stare at each other with that awkward
silence again. This time the Clerk has a look of concern and
confusion on his face.
The Clerk bust out laughing again.
---
__________CLERK
(laughing)
I like you son!
EXT. GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Danny exits the gun shop, bell ringing. He pauses right
outside the door. He pulls a snub nose .38 Out of his
pocket, looks at it and puts it back, then walks off screen.
We hear a whistling noise growing in intensity.
INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - MORNING
We see a kettle steaming on a stove.
We hear a news report on TV from Rich Robertson. When it
starts we see Danny on the couch sipping from a mug, staring
at his gun on the coffee table.
__________RICH
A man was shot and killed last
night on the 105 bus. Police say
it was a robbery gone bad.
(trailing off)
The suspects are still on the
loose..
EXT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - MORNING
Danny is leaving for work. He comes across Tina down the
walkway a little.
__________TINA
Morning Danny.
__________DANNY
Oh hi, morning, how’s it going?
__________TINA
Good, just looking for Mittens.
__________DANNY
Oh, still haven’t found her yet
huh?
__________TINA
No. Hope she’s alright.
---
__________DANNY
I’m sure she is, she’ll be back,
I’ll keep an eye out.
__________TINA
Thanks.
Danny goes to leave.
__________TINA (CONT'D)
Oh hey, you going to the pool party
management is throwing tomorrow?
__________DANNY
Um, no didn’t plan on it.
__________TINA
Well you should go, should be a lot
of fun, or at least get some free
food and drinks.
No answer from Danny.
__________TINA (CONT'D)
We can go together, hang out, dance
or in my case make a fool of
myself.
Tina chuckles.
__________DANNY
Maybe, yeah probably, I’ll let you
know. Bye, I gotta go, see ya.
__________TINA
Bye.
Danny turns away from Tina so she can’t see the look of
excitement on his face.
EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING
The bus pulls up. The bus is full and the only seat is right
up front next to the driver, Danny takes a seat.
INT. OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
Mark and Jim are filing out of the office past Danny’s desk
where Danny is still at his computer. They stop at his desk.
---
__________JIM
Dan Dan baby, today is the day,
you, me, Mark, bar, beer.
Jim points out Danny and Mark while he talks.
__________MARK
It’ll be a blasty blast.
__________DANNY
No thanks.
__________JIM
What about tomorrow? We’ll pick
you up, go watch the game at the
pub?
__________DANNY
No can’t, got a date tomorrow.
__________MARK
A date? With who?
__________JIM
Someone from the office? Cindy
maybe?
__________DANNY
No, from my complex.
Mark and Jim give each other a high five.
__________MARK
Across the walkway punanny, the
best.
__________JIM
OK so bar next week to celebrate
Danny’s foray into the dating
world?
__________DANNY
Yeah, next week for sure guys.
Mark and Jim look at each other with excitement at the fact
that they might get Danny out to the bar.
__________JIM
OK we’ll hold you to it.
Jim and Mark point at Danny like a father scolding a child
would.
---
__________DANNY
Promise.
__________JIM
Alright, we’re out, see ya.
__________MARK
Lataer gator.
__________DANNY
Bye, see ya guys.
Mark and Jim leave. As soon as they do Danny starts getting
his stuff together to leave.
EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Danny is leaving the office, he pauses just outside the door
to look around and take is pistol out of his satchel and put
it in his pocket. He then proceeds to the bus stop.
INT. BUS - NIGHT
Danny takes a seat at the back of the bus. There are a few
people scattered throughout, including some unsavory looking
characters.
Danny looks at the floor and notices what seems to be a chalk
outline of a body. It isn’t in pristine condition due to the
daily foot traffic but it is recognizable none the less.
The sight of this murder makes Danny squirm in his seat. He
stares blankly at the outline, nervous sweating, fear on his
face.
Images of Danny lying where the chalk outline flash on
screen. Danny’s imagination is getting the best of him. He
sees flashes of himself laying there, bloody, helpless.
__________MAN (O.S.)
Hey, I said do you got the...
Danny immediately snaps out of his daydream nightmare and
pulls his pistol and points it at the MAN that was trying to
ask him something.
__________DANNY
No! F*ck you!
Danny has snapped.
---
__________MAN
OK. F*ck. I was just asking for..
__________DANNY
F*ck that! F*ck you!
Danny pulls the wire to stop the bus, he puts the pistol back
in his coat pocket, but still points it at the man. Once the
bus stops he gets off.
EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT.
Once off the bus Danny starts to run towards his apartments
which are still pretty far away.
INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Danny rushes in from outside, he is still visibly shaken from
the situation on the bus. He is breathing hard from the run
too.
Danny goes to the TV and turns on the news and then goes and
sits in a corner to watch TV. The only lights are from the
TV and a light that illuminates the map Danny uses to
pinpoint crimes, it hangs on a wall directly across from the
TV and next to the main door.
A news report comes on TV.
__________RICH
Crimes are at a record high in the
valley and tonight we are going to
show which communities are hardest
hit.
A graphic comes on screen showing the Las Vegas valley.
Danny gets up from his corner to go stare at the map on the
wall. The ring of push pins surround the intersection of
Craig and Decatur.
__________RICH
And at the top of that list is the
area surrounding Craig and Decatur.
Statistics show that they are
coming to get you Danny.
Danny slowly turns towards the TV. The reporter is just
staring into the camera, deathly quiet. The camera stays
trained on her for what seems like minutes. Danny stares
back.
---
CRASH there is a loud sound outside Danny’s window to the
left of the TV. Danny turns off the TV and the light for the
map.
He hears a bump against the wall. Creeping slowly towards
the window, gun now out and pointing at it, Danny slowly
moves the curtain aside.
Just then a dark figure creeps into view on the left side of
the window. Then SCREECH BANG KABOOM.
Danny shoots the burglar through the window.
Still tense he rushes out the front door to check on him.
EXT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Pistol still at the ready Danny approaches the body. He
hears a gurgling noise. Once over the body Danny realizes
this is no burglar at all.
It’s Tina, lying there bleeding profusely from the neck.
Danny instantly breaks down crying. He collapses to his
knee’s, and puts Tina’s head in his lap and cradles her.
__________DANNY
(crying)
No.
(pause)
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Danny strokes Tina’s head.
__________TINA
(weakly)
Mi, Mi, Mittens?
Just then Mittens returns to the scene having run off after
the gun shot. Danny sees her and cries more realizing what
has transpired.
__________MITTENS
Meow.
Tina musters a weak smile at Mittens meow, then seconds later
goes limp.
Danny stops crying. He stands up and just stares at the
body.
---
Just then the police arrive. Screeching to a halt yards from
Danny. Danny pays no attention.
A POLICE OFFICER hops out of the drivers side.
__________POLICE OFFICER
Drop the gun.
Danny looks at the police officer. Another car pulls up and
another officer hops out and draws on Danny.
__________POLICE OFFICER (CONT'D)
Drop the gun.
__________DANNY
This is all your fault.
Danny turns towards the officers.
BANG BANG BANG BANG. Danny is shot, he drops instantly.
We crane out as the police swarm the scene.
Just then we hear then see a report.
__________RICH
Yet another homicide today in the
area of Craig and Decatur. Police
say a man snapped and killed his
neighbor shortly after pulling a
gun on a passenger on the 105 bus.
The man was shot and killed by
police who said they had no choice.
(trailing off)
This brings the number of
homicides..
We are watching a TV in a sports bar. Mark and Jim are
sitting there listening, eating peanuts and drinking beer.
__________MARK
Damn craziness this city.
__________JIM
Yeah, outta control.
We dolly between the two out through the window onto the
street.
FADE TO BLACK
The Living room is dark, the only light coming from the TV.
The light from it seems to illuminate only the face of it’s
sole watcher. DANNY sits on his couch staring blankly at the
TV. The light dancing on his face. He is a late 20’s white
male. He is a bit of the nerdy type. The TV is his only
source of entertainment. He is stiff and upright in his
chair so much so it seems eerie and strange.
As Danny flips the channel he stops on a local news report.
The field reporter RICH ROBERTSON is just beginning a report.
__________RICH
All behind me may be calm now, but
just a short while ago here at the
corner of Simmons and Alexander a
deadly shoot-out erupted between
police and a distraught resident of
this seemingly quite neighborhood.
(trailing off)
Police say they have no idea why..
__________DANNY
Simmons and Alexander? Closer,
getting closer.
Danny gets up and gets a city map and a marker out of a
drawer. He plops it down on the dining table where he marks
a spot on the map. The marks seem to form a circle around
something on the map.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Danny is sitting at his office cubicle typing on the
computer. It is towards the end of his work day, other
workers are filing past Danny going home. MARK and JIM stop
at Danny’s desk.
__________MARK
Hey Danny, you wanna go to the bar
with us and have a drink?
__________DANNY
No, I’m ok, thanks, I’m ok, thanks
guys.
__________JIM
(enthusiastically)
Come on Dan Dan, we won’t hurt you.
---
__________DANNY
No, thanks though, Jim, Mark, have
fun, thanks though.
This scene is repeated almost every day. Mark and Jim try to
get Danny to come out and have a few, relax, be social, but
every time Danny declines.
__________MARK
(sighs)
Alright maybe next time huh bud?
Mark taps Danny’s desk then he and Jim continue out of the
office.
__________DANNY
Yeah, next time guys, sure, next
time.
The last employee leaves, the door slamming, there is a
deafening silence.
Danny stops typing and just stares blankly for a few seconds,
then proceeds to pack up to head home.
Once Danny steps outside he stops for a few seconds and looks
around. He then proceeds to the bus stop down the street.
The whole time bear hugging his satchel with his stuff in it.
We see a montage of Danny waiting at the stop, on the bus
watching the characters that are on it with him, at another
bus stop ect... hugging the satchel like it’s a million
dollars.
EXT. APARTMENTS - NIGHT
Danny steps off his last bus for the night. We see the bus
number is 105. Danny begins his walk up the entrance way to
his apartments.
BANG, BANG, BANG.
A rapid succession of gun shot sounds ring out near by.
__________DANNY
F*ck, sh*t, motherf*cker.
Danny runs the rest of the way to his apartment. Breathing
hard, scared.
---
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Once inside Danny goes to a corner in the living room after
turning on the TV.
We see a montage of Danny, scared, stressed, watching the
different news cast throughout the night. There is no
mention of a shooting at his apartment complex.
EXT. APARTMENT - MORNING
Danny is leaving for work when he comes across TINA, an
attractive neighbor of his he has had a crush on for awhile.
Tina looks like the all American girl without the pseudo
glamour.
Danny looks tired, exhausted even.
__________TINA
(to Danny)
Good morning.
__________DANNY
(nervously)
Oh hi, morning, how you doing, nice
day out.
__________TINA
You OK?
DANNY
Yeah, just a little tired, was up
trying to find info on that
shooting here last night.
__________TINA
(surprised)
Really? When?
__________DANNY
7ish.
Tina looks unconvinced.
__________TINA
Hmm, I was here, didn’t hear
anything.
(pause)
Hey have you seen my cat?
---
__________DANNY
No, I haven’t, no why?
__________TINA
I can’t seem to find her.
__________DANNY
I’ll keep an eye out.
__________TINA
Ok thanks
(pause)
Well see ya
__________DANNY
Bye. See ya.
Danny continues to his bus stop. On the way he stops a
RESIDENT going the other way.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, did you hear about the
shooting last night here?
__________RESIDENT
No.
Danny continues on, looking back every few steps, confused
look plastered across his face.
EXT. OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
Danny is coming out of the office, last one out as usual. He
stops and stares for a few moments, but instead of going to
his usual bus stop he goes across the street to a different
one.
EXT. GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Danny is standing staring at the outside display window of a
gun shop. Guns are organized nicely in the window and their
is a self defense infomercial on a TV.
Danny goes inside. Familiar bell ringing as he enters.
INT. GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Danny approaches the CLERK slowly and nervously. The Clerk
is a middle aged white redneck.
---
Danny stands at the counter, the clerk is reading the paper,
he doesn’t acknowledge Danny until Danny clears his throat.
__________CLERK
(country accent)
Oh, sorry bout that, this city is
getting crazier by the moment.
Pretty soon everyone is gonna need
a gun.
The clerk spins the paper down onto the counter so Danny can
see what the clerk was reading. Danny looks down at the
paper. The headline reads “Homicides up 40%”.
__________CLERK (CONT'D)
So how can I help you?
__________DANNY
I’m thinking about buying a gun.
__________CLERK
We don’t believe in guns here.
The Clerk stares at Danny with a serious face.
Danny stares back. There is an uneasy silence. They stare
at each other for a good few seconds, testing each other,
Danny looks unsure, confused.
The Clerk bust out laughing.
__________CLERK (CONT'D)
I’m just f*cking with you son, you
came to the right place. We got
shotguns, machine guns, light,
medium and heavy, we got rifles,
assault and sniper, we got handguns
to many to name, we got grenade
launchers, single shot and
automatic, we got rockets, hell we
even got a bazooka, so what’s your
itch son?
Danny looks around before answering.
__________DANNY
Do do you have a stinger missle?
The Clerk and Danny stare at each other with that awkward
silence again. This time the Clerk has a look of concern and
confusion on his face.
The Clerk bust out laughing again.
---
__________CLERK
(laughing)
I like you son!
EXT. GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Danny exits the gun shop, bell ringing. He pauses right
outside the door. He pulls a snub nose .38 Out of his
pocket, looks at it and puts it back, then walks off screen.
We hear a whistling noise growing in intensity.
INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - MORNING
We see a kettle steaming on a stove.
We hear a news report on TV from Rich Robertson. When it
starts we see Danny on the couch sipping from a mug, staring
at his gun on the coffee table.
__________RICH
A man was shot and killed last
night on the 105 bus. Police say
it was a robbery gone bad.
(trailing off)
The suspects are still on the
loose..
EXT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - MORNING
Danny is leaving for work. He comes across Tina down the
walkway a little.
__________TINA
Morning Danny.
__________DANNY
Oh hi, morning, how’s it going?
__________TINA
Good, just looking for Mittens.
__________DANNY
Oh, still haven’t found her yet
huh?
__________TINA
No. Hope she’s alright.
---
__________DANNY
I’m sure she is, she’ll be back,
I’ll keep an eye out.
__________TINA
Thanks.
Danny goes to leave.
__________TINA (CONT'D)
Oh hey, you going to the pool party
management is throwing tomorrow?
__________DANNY
Um, no didn’t plan on it.
__________TINA
Well you should go, should be a lot
of fun, or at least get some free
food and drinks.
No answer from Danny.
__________TINA (CONT'D)
We can go together, hang out, dance
or in my case make a fool of
myself.
Tina chuckles.
__________DANNY
Maybe, yeah probably, I’ll let you
know. Bye, I gotta go, see ya.
__________TINA
Bye.
Danny turns away from Tina so she can’t see the look of
excitement on his face.
EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING
The bus pulls up. The bus is full and the only seat is right
up front next to the driver, Danny takes a seat.
INT. OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
Mark and Jim are filing out of the office past Danny’s desk
where Danny is still at his computer. They stop at his desk.
---
__________JIM
Dan Dan baby, today is the day,
you, me, Mark, bar, beer.
Jim points out Danny and Mark while he talks.
__________MARK
It’ll be a blasty blast.
__________DANNY
No thanks.
__________JIM
What about tomorrow? We’ll pick
you up, go watch the game at the
pub?
__________DANNY
No can’t, got a date tomorrow.
__________MARK
A date? With who?
__________JIM
Someone from the office? Cindy
maybe?
__________DANNY
No, from my complex.
Mark and Jim give each other a high five.
__________MARK
Across the walkway punanny, the
best.
__________JIM
OK so bar next week to celebrate
Danny’s foray into the dating
world?
__________DANNY
Yeah, next week for sure guys.
Mark and Jim look at each other with excitement at the fact
that they might get Danny out to the bar.
__________JIM
OK we’ll hold you to it.
Jim and Mark point at Danny like a father scolding a child
would.
---
__________DANNY
Promise.
__________JIM
Alright, we’re out, see ya.
__________MARK
Lataer gator.
__________DANNY
Bye, see ya guys.
Mark and Jim leave. As soon as they do Danny starts getting
his stuff together to leave.
EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Danny is leaving the office, he pauses just outside the door
to look around and take is pistol out of his satchel and put
it in his pocket. He then proceeds to the bus stop.
INT. BUS - NIGHT
Danny takes a seat at the back of the bus. There are a few
people scattered throughout, including some unsavory looking
characters.
Danny looks at the floor and notices what seems to be a chalk
outline of a body. It isn’t in pristine condition due to the
daily foot traffic but it is recognizable none the less.
The sight of this murder makes Danny squirm in his seat. He
stares blankly at the outline, nervous sweating, fear on his
face.
Images of Danny lying where the chalk outline flash on
screen. Danny’s imagination is getting the best of him. He
sees flashes of himself laying there, bloody, helpless.
__________MAN (O.S.)
Hey, I said do you got the...
Danny immediately snaps out of his daydream nightmare and
pulls his pistol and points it at the MAN that was trying to
ask him something.
__________DANNY
No! F*ck you!
Danny has snapped.
---
__________MAN
OK. F*ck. I was just asking for..
__________DANNY
F*ck that! F*ck you!
Danny pulls the wire to stop the bus, he puts the pistol back
in his coat pocket, but still points it at the man. Once the
bus stops he gets off.
EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT.
Once off the bus Danny starts to run towards his apartments
which are still pretty far away.
INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Danny rushes in from outside, he is still visibly shaken from
the situation on the bus. He is breathing hard from the run
too.
Danny goes to the TV and turns on the news and then goes and
sits in a corner to watch TV. The only lights are from the
TV and a light that illuminates the map Danny uses to
pinpoint crimes, it hangs on a wall directly across from the
TV and next to the main door.
A news report comes on TV.
__________RICH
Crimes are at a record high in the
valley and tonight we are going to
show which communities are hardest
hit.
A graphic comes on screen showing the Las Vegas valley.
Danny gets up from his corner to go stare at the map on the
wall. The ring of push pins surround the intersection of
Craig and Decatur.
__________RICH
And at the top of that list is the
area surrounding Craig and Decatur.
Statistics show that they are
coming to get you Danny.
Danny slowly turns towards the TV. The reporter is just
staring into the camera, deathly quiet. The camera stays
trained on her for what seems like minutes. Danny stares
back.
---
CRASH there is a loud sound outside Danny’s window to the
left of the TV. Danny turns off the TV and the light for the
map.
He hears a bump against the wall. Creeping slowly towards
the window, gun now out and pointing at it, Danny slowly
moves the curtain aside.
Just then a dark figure creeps into view on the left side of
the window. Then SCREECH BANG KABOOM.
Danny shoots the burglar through the window.
Still tense he rushes out the front door to check on him.
EXT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Pistol still at the ready Danny approaches the body. He
hears a gurgling noise. Once over the body Danny realizes
this is no burglar at all.
It’s Tina, lying there bleeding profusely from the neck.
Danny instantly breaks down crying. He collapses to his
knee’s, and puts Tina’s head in his lap and cradles her.
__________DANNY
(crying)
No.
(pause)
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Danny strokes Tina’s head.
__________TINA
(weakly)
Mi, Mi, Mittens?
Just then Mittens returns to the scene having run off after
the gun shot. Danny sees her and cries more realizing what
has transpired.
__________MITTENS
Meow.
Tina musters a weak smile at Mittens meow, then seconds later
goes limp.
Danny stops crying. He stands up and just stares at the
body.
---
Just then the police arrive. Screeching to a halt yards from
Danny. Danny pays no attention.
A POLICE OFFICER hops out of the drivers side.
__________POLICE OFFICER
Drop the gun.
Danny looks at the police officer. Another car pulls up and
another officer hops out and draws on Danny.
__________POLICE OFFICER (CONT'D)
Drop the gun.
__________DANNY
This is all your fault.
Danny turns towards the officers.
BANG BANG BANG BANG. Danny is shot, he drops instantly.
We crane out as the police swarm the scene.
Just then we hear then see a report.
__________RICH
Yet another homicide today in the
area of Craig and Decatur. Police
say a man snapped and killed his
neighbor shortly after pulling a
gun on a passenger on the 105 bus.
The man was shot and killed by
police who said they had no choice.
(trailing off)
This brings the number of
homicides..
We are watching a TV in a sports bar. Mark and Jim are
sitting there listening, eating peanuts and drinking beer.
__________MARK
Damn craziness this city.
__________JIM
Yeah, outta control.
We dolly between the two out through the window onto the
street.
FADE TO BLACK
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"Danny is leaving for work when he comes across TINA, an
attractive neighbor of his he has had a crush on for awhile.
Tina looks like the all American girl without the pseudo
glamour. "
This is an example of being too novelistic.
consider:
how do we know he's leaving for work?
how do we know she's a neighbor?
how do we know he has a crush on her?
what is psuedo glamour?
what do american girls look like? Americans come in lots of flavors.
You're telling us things not showing us things. Try and get all this onto paper in a filmable way because right now this is all the audience would see:
Danny walks outside, an attractive girl is there.
None of that other information is conveyed. Some of this kind thing is okay IMHOP although others are real sticklers on it--I just thought there was too much of this sort of thing and your script will be better if you lean it out.
attractive neighbor of his he has had a crush on for awhile.
Tina looks like the all American girl without the pseudo
glamour. "
This is an example of being too novelistic.
consider:
how do we know he's leaving for work?
how do we know she's a neighbor?
how do we know he has a crush on her?
what is psuedo glamour?
what do american girls look like? Americans come in lots of flavors.
You're telling us things not showing us things. Try and get all this onto paper in a filmable way because right now this is all the audience would see:
Danny walks outside, an attractive girl is there.
None of that other information is conveyed. Some of this kind thing is okay IMHOP although others are real sticklers on it--I just thought there was too much of this sort of thing and your script will be better if you lean it out.
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NashvilleActors
Member
Hey, Could you break that part down if the thread starter doesn't mind. I think that will be helpful to him and I. Because I don't understand those two.
Thanks
STYLZ
Well-known member
There's three ways to convey to a reader info. 1. tell them 2. character dialog 3. Let them interperet. Usually there are only 2 ways to convey info to a film audience. 1. Show them 2. Let them interperet. (or in case of narration ,tell them)
How do we know he is going to work. Well as a director I would have him grab keys and satchel and rush out the door. I guess brian would prefer I say it that way instead of telling the reader. How do we know it's his neighbor? Well how many girls hang around outside apartment complexes and don't live there. I guess my mistake was leaving it up to a potential director to interperet how to convey this info visually instead of conveying it visually through the script.
I know you didn't ask me nash, but I wanted to put my take. Definately want to here what brian has to say.
This is good stuff.
How do we know he is going to work. Well as a director I would have him grab keys and satchel and rush out the door. I guess brian would prefer I say it that way instead of telling the reader. How do we know it's his neighbor? Well how many girls hang around outside apartment complexes and don't live there. I guess my mistake was leaving it up to a potential director to interperet how to convey this info visually instead of conveying it visually through the script.
I know you didn't ask me nash, but I wanted to put my take. Definately want to here what brian has to say.
This is good stuff.
That's pretty much it. Show don't tell. Maybe one way to look at it, consider that there are 3 basic parts to a script: Scene Heading (INT, EXT, etc), dialog, and stage directions. That last one, "Stage directions", is self explanatory, instructions for the people making the movie. So that's the writer's obligation--to give the crew a blueprint that's unambiguous but hopefully has some value as a literary piece.
For me, this stuff is a bit academic, the bigger questions are about structure and drama. That's the hard part.
Regarding why a girl would hang around an apartment if she didn't live there, well if you'd lived in some of the places I've lived you know there are LOTS of reasons!!
moonlitnite
Well-known member
Rehi Stylz,
Here's a provocative example from the beginning of Basic Instinct that may help illustrate Brian's point. Aside from the titilation, notice to lucid descriptions and the way the writer talks through the description of the scene as well as the intro for NICK CURRAN.
Using traditional style, the writer's job is pretty-much done - or at least the content is complete enough to sell the concept. If you're going to do your own directing, you might think "no problemo" I'll tell the actors what they need to know. The problem here is the actors need to see the script before taking the job and certainly before getting on the set, etc.
Regards, Michael
---------
INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT
It is dark; we don't see clearly.
a man and woman make love on a brass bed. There are
mirrors on the walls and ceiling. On a side table, atop a
small mirror, lines of cocaine. A tape deck PLAYS the
Stones: "Sympathy for the Devil."
Atop him... she straddles his chest... her breasts in his
face. He cups her breasts. She leans down, kisses him...
JOHNNY BOZ is in his late 40's, slim, good-looking. We don't
see the woman's face. She has long blonde hair. The CAMERA
STAYS BEHIND and to the side of them.
She leans close over his face, her tongue in his mouth...
she kisses him... she moves her hands up, holds both of his
arms above his head.
She moves higher atop him... she reaches to the side of the
bed... a white silk scarf is in her hand... her hips above
his face now, moving... slightly, oh-so slightly... his
face strains towards her.
The scarf in her hand... she ties his hands with it...
gently... to the brass bed... his eyes are closed...
tighter... lowering hips into his face... lower... over his
chest... his navel. The SONG plays.
He is inside her... his head arches back... his throat
white.
She arches her back... her hips grind... her breasts are
high...
Her back arches back... back... her head tilts back... she
extends her arms... the right arm comes down suddenly...
the steel flashes... his throat is white...
He bucks, writhes, bucks, convulses...
It flashes up... it flashes down... and up... and down...
and up... and...
EXT. A BROWNSTONE IN PACIFIC HEIGHTS - MORNING
Winter in San Francisco: cold, foggy. Cop cars
everywhere. The lights play through the thick fog. Two
Homicide detectives get out of the car, walk into the
house.
NICK CURRAN is 42. Trim, good-looking, a nice suit: a face
urban, edged, shadowed. GUS MORAN is 64. Crew-cut, silver
beard, a suit rumpled and shiny, a hat out of the 50's: a
face worn and ruined: the face of a backwoods philosopher.
Here's a provocative example from the beginning of Basic Instinct that may help illustrate Brian's point. Aside from the titilation, notice to lucid descriptions and the way the writer talks through the description of the scene as well as the intro for NICK CURRAN.
Using traditional style, the writer's job is pretty-much done - or at least the content is complete enough to sell the concept. If you're going to do your own directing, you might think "no problemo" I'll tell the actors what they need to know. The problem here is the actors need to see the script before taking the job and certainly before getting on the set, etc.
Regards, Michael
---------
INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT
It is dark; we don't see clearly.
a man and woman make love on a brass bed. There are
mirrors on the walls and ceiling. On a side table, atop a
small mirror, lines of cocaine. A tape deck PLAYS the
Stones: "Sympathy for the Devil."
Atop him... she straddles his chest... her breasts in his
face. He cups her breasts. She leans down, kisses him...
JOHNNY BOZ is in his late 40's, slim, good-looking. We don't
see the woman's face. She has long blonde hair. The CAMERA
STAYS BEHIND and to the side of them.
She leans close over his face, her tongue in his mouth...
she kisses him... she moves her hands up, holds both of his
arms above his head.
She moves higher atop him... she reaches to the side of the
bed... a white silk scarf is in her hand... her hips above
his face now, moving... slightly, oh-so slightly... his
face strains towards her.
The scarf in her hand... she ties his hands with it...
gently... to the brass bed... his eyes are closed...
tighter... lowering hips into his face... lower... over his
chest... his navel. The SONG plays.
He is inside her... his head arches back... his throat
white.
She arches her back... her hips grind... her breasts are
high...
Her back arches back... back... her head tilts back... she
extends her arms... the right arm comes down suddenly...
the steel flashes... his throat is white...
He bucks, writhes, bucks, convulses...
It flashes up... it flashes down... and up... and down...
and up... and...
EXT. A BROWNSTONE IN PACIFIC HEIGHTS - MORNING
Winter in San Francisco: cold, foggy. Cop cars
everywhere. The lights play through the thick fog. Two
Homicide detectives get out of the car, walk into the
house.
NICK CURRAN is 42. Trim, good-looking, a nice suit: a face
urban, edged, shadowed. GUS MORAN is 64. Crew-cut, silver
beard, a suit rumpled and shiny, a hat out of the 50's: a
face worn and ruined: the face of a backwoods philosopher.
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Whew, getting hot in here....
Anyway, wanted to say this is a good point, a lot people always say "If you're directing yourself write any way you want..." You're absolutely right. What about the actors? The rest of the crew? A vague personalized script might work for the director who wrote it, but not everyone else.
NashvilleActors
Member
Any reason why STAYS BEHIND is in all caps and not "to the side of them" ? To me they are both describing where the camera is.
Also that scene is very detail written. Couldn't any strong verb been used in a couple of sentences to some all of that up?
*Not trying to thread jack, asking questions because I am new to writing.* thanks
Just speculating, but the writer, Joe Esterhauz I think, mighta been emphasizing the PG13 nature of the scene. This is pretty lurid stuff, so maybe Esterhauz was reigning it in a bit to allay any studio concerns about the limits being pushed. Or, it's a bit of a tease shot, which works too, leaving something up to our imaginations. Main thing is, the scene works, it's sexy, the script and movie were huge hits. Shortly after this, Joe Esterhauz became the highest paid writer in Hollywood. And it also transformed Sharon Stone into a superstar.