A short for my Sister and her Fiance.

Robbie Comeau

Robbie Comeau

Como's back. back again
Hello all,

I am making my sister and her fiance a wedding video, that we will show eveyone at the wedding. It is comedy, and it will be roughly 5-6 minutes.

It's going to start off with a story, then it will switch to documentary/interview mode.

Here's the Story, when you are done, tell me what you think. It's going to be roughly 3 minutes (3 pages) and then the rest will be interviews of the two talking about how there going to be a better parent, and how they're going to raise their kids.

Thanks.
 
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Code: 
          EXT.DRIVEWAY.DAY                                                 
                                                                           
          TONY stands mid way on his driveway, shoveling the heavy         
          snow, pushing it over to the snowy grass on his side.            
                                                                           
          JENNIFER opens the front door, and yells out at TONY.            
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Honey, I made you some coffee. Come                    
                    in side for a while, you’ve been                       
                    out here all day.                                      
                                                                           
          TONY stops shoveling, and looks at her.                          
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Is it decaf?                                           
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    You know it.                                           
                                                                           
          TONY waits, then drops the shovel while running up to            
          JENNIFER just like a little kid would.                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT.KITCHEN.DAY                                                  
                                                                           
          TONY and JENNIFER sit at the table, with JENNIFER having her     
          legs up while TONY is slumped over drinking his coffee.          
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    So, have you thought about it?                         
                                                                           
          TONY puts his coffee down, and looks at JENNIFER with            
          squinting eyes, slightly tilting his head in confusion.          
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    About what?                                            
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Kids.                                                  
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Why would I think of kids?                             
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    No, Tony. You and me.                                  
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Were adults babe, not kids.                            
                                                                           
          TONY brings his cup back up to take a sip.                                                                                                                                                       
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    TONY! Get real. Us, having kids.                       
                                                                           
          TONY spits out the coffee.                                       
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Wa? You crazy? You know what they                      
                    do? You know the trouble they                          
                    cause? Just look at ANNA SASIN down                    
                    the road, see what she has to deal                     
                    with?                                                  
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Hun, she’s also divorced. There’s                      
                    TWO of us, it will be a lot                            
                    different.                                             
                                                                           
          TONY looks at her suspiciously and takes another sip.            
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Look at HUGH JORGAN and his wife,                      
                    there so-                                              
                                                                           
          TONY cuts in.                                                    
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Huge Organ? Huh?                                       
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    No baby, Hugh..Jorgan..                                
                                                                           
          TONY looks puzzled. Then finally realizes it.                    
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                         (Shaking head)                                    
                    Ya, look at their kids, They open                      
                    the door for them when they leave                      
                    the house, They set the table at                       
                    night, they do the dishes, they                        
                    even tuck themselves in at night!                      
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                         (Shaking head side to side)                       
                    Point being...                                         
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    THEY WERE RAISED WELL! And that’s                      
                    JUST what we’re going to do. We                        
                    don’t have to worry about our kids                     
                    being naughty, and rebellious.                         
                                                                           
          TONY gets up from the table, leaving his coffee behind.                                                               
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    You’re forgetting something dear.                      
                    What about when their newborns?                        
                    There going to pooh all over the                       
                    place. I ain’t touchin’ dat!                           
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Ok, well I’LL deal with the messes.                    
                    You just deal with the crying,                         
                    cause I’ll get way to stressed.                        
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Just ask for wine from the people                      
                    who are bringing us gifts to the                       
                    wedding.                                               
                                                                           
          JENNIFER gives a puzzled look.                                   
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    We’ll use the corks to shut the                        
                    baby up.                                               
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Ok, no.                                                
                                                                           
          JENNIFER goes up to TONY.                                        
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Don’t you want a family? With                          
                    beautiful kids, who can grow up and                    
                    be a carpenter, or a marketing                         
                    associate?                                             
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    Or a stripper.                                         
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    Not if we raise them properly.                         
                                                                           
          TONY thinks, and nods.                                           
                                                                           
                              TONY                                         
                    You’re probably right.                                 
                                                                           
                              JENNIFER                                     
                    I always am.                                           
                                                                           
          JENNIFER smiles, and the two kiss.
 
You want to show this as a film to adults?

At a wedding?

Hugh Jorgan?.....is he friends with Mike Hunt?

You may want to rethink your comedy angle....this is pretty lame stuff, even for a 14 year old.
 
EXT.DRIVEWAY.DAY

TONY stands mid way on his driveway, shoveling the heavy
snow, pushing it over to the snowy grass on his side.

You don't need to mention snow twice.

JENNIFER opens the front door, and yells out at TONY.

Should be to Tony , not at. At infers anger.

JENNIFER
Honey, I made you some coffee. Come
in side for a while, you’ve been
out here all day.

Inside is one word.

TONY stops shoveling, and looks at her.

You don't need 'looks at her. It's understood.

TONY
Is it decaf?

JENNIFER
You know it.

Needs an !

TONY waits, then drops the shovel while running up to
JENNIFER just like a little kid would.

Don't cap names after first intro. Why does Tony wait? Do you mean he hesitates? Also, you don't need would.

More important, try to avoid ING verbs. This should read ...

Tony hesitates, then drops the shovel and runs to Jennifer like a little boy.


INT.KITCHEN.DAY

TONY and JENNIFER sit at the table, with JENNIFER having her
legs up while TONY is slumped over drinking his coffee.

Legs up where? On the table? Be clear!

Tony sits slumped over his coffe. Jennifer sits with her legs up.


JENNIFER
So, have you thought about it?

TONY puts his coffee down, and looks at JENNIFER with
squinting eyes, slightly tilting his head in confusion.

Need to find fewer words to expresses what it is you want to say.

Tony sets his coffee down and cocks his head in confusion. His eyes narrow.

That's a savings of four words (14 / 18), which add up over a long-haul.

TONY
About what?

JENNIFER
Kids.

TONY
Why would I think of kids?

Should be 'about kids', not of.

JENNIFER
No, Tony. You and me.

TONY
Were adults babe, not kids.

TONY brings his cup back up to take a sip.

We know he needs to bring his cup up. Lose all those superfluous details.

Tony takes another sip

more
 
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Tony takes another sip

JENNIFER
TONY! Get real. Us, having kids.

Don't cap exclamations. The ! will suffice.

TONY spits out the coffee.

How about 'Tony spits coffee.' Same thing, with two less words to stumble over.

TONY
Wa? You crazy? You know what they
do? You know the trouble they
cause? Just look at ANNA SASIN down
the road, see what she has to deal
with?

Don't cap the names in dialogue blocks.

JENNIFER
Hun, she’s also divorced. There’s
TWO of us, it will be a lot
different.

Need a period between us and it, not a comma.

TONY looks at her suspiciously and takes another sip.

JENNIFER
Look at HUGH JORGAN and his wife,
there so-

Use text wrap here. Need a period and the correct spelling for there.

JENNIFER
Look at Hugh Jorgan and his wife.
they're so ...

TONY cuts in.

TONY
Huge Organ? Huh?

JENNIFER
No baby, Hugh..Jorgan..

I prefer this ...

JENNIFER
No baby, Hugh -- Jorgan.

TONY looks puzzled. Then finally realizes it.

JENNIFER
(Shaking head)
Ya, look at their kids, They open
the door for them when they leave
the house, They set the table at
night, they do the dishes, they
even tuck themselves in at night!

Very confusing. Do you mean to use 'themselves' for opening the door also?

TONY
(Shaking head side to side)
Point being...

Try to avoid the (wrylies). I know you're shooting this, but if ever you want to spec a script, they are frowned upon. When you do use them, keep it Simple Present (no ING).

JENNIFER
THEY WERE RAISED WELL! And that’s
JUST what we’re going to do. We
don’t have to worry about our kids
being naughty, and rebellious.

TONY gets up from the table, leaving his coffee behind.

TONY
You’re forgetting something dear.
What about when their newborns?
There going to pooh all over the
place. I ain’t touchin’ dat!

JENNIFER
Ok, well I’LL deal with the messes.
You just deal with the crying,
cause I’ll get way to stressed.

TONY
Just ask for wine from the people
who are bringing us gifts to the
wedding.
 
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You're kinda tripping over your tongue here.

TONY
Just make sure we get lots wine for wedding gifts.


JENNIFER gives a puzzled look.

TONY
We’ll use the corks to shut the
baby up.

JENNIFER
Ok, no.

JENNIFER goes up to TONY.

JENNIFER
Don’t you want a family? With
beautiful kids, who can grow up and
be a carpenter, or a marketing
associate?

TONY
Or a stripper.

JENNIFER
Not if we raise them properly.

TONY thinks, and nods.

TONY
You’re probably right.

JENNIFER
I always am.

JENNIFER smiles, and the two kiss.

All in all it feels a little predictable. I don't really get a sense of who they are.

I get Jenn wants kids, and Tony has cold feet, but I'm sure you can be more creative with the dialogue.

Alex

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
www.guerro.wordpress.com
 
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Those are just technical issues. You still need that knock-out for the humor. Give us something unexpected. Maybe reverse the roles.

Take the best parts of these real characters and amplify them. Give them both a weekness, and let that play out.

a
 
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Alex, I read you corrections and guess you've written a lot of scripts and have quite an experience... I'm writting a thriller screenplay now and would like to know if there's some certain pattern to use when creating a suspense in a script?
 
He is a good writer, you should PM him, but to get things back on topic here...

I personally don't believe a fictional short to be something that should be showed at a wedding reception. I mean sure the couple may be humorous, quirky people, but if anything should be shown at the wedding reception, it should be a story of their lovey dovey moments, or things they do together (that can be shown in front of lots of people).

It would add a nice touch to the wedding and wouldn't be too corny or anything like that. Just my opinion,

Kegan
 
Ya, that's what Im already doing. Filming their parties that have for the wedding and what not. Then im going to make that mixed with a slideshow of pictures. I can include the interview into that i guess?
 
Good points above.

Also, make sure whatever you write about isn't too personal, or will hit a sore spot for one or the other. Is having a family a prickly issure for them??

Maybe take something more pedestrian, and really play it up, like a silly scene over how to put groceries away. Afterall, it's little things like that that drive couples crazy.

She wants all the lables facing out, he wants to arrange things by size (it's always size with men). She wants to dust the shelf before putting new items away, he just wants to get past his domestic contribution and move on.

Or visa-versa.

alex
 
galapagos said:
Alex, I read you corrections and guess you've written a lot of scripts and have quite an experience... I'm writting a thriller screenplay now and would like to know if there's some certain pattern to use when creating a suspense in a script?
Click to expand...

The thing that drives suspense is red herrings and tiny, unexpected clues. I'll be happy to discuss it in a new thread (this is Como's), or by PM.

You can also email me at alexwhitmer@yahoo.com

Alex

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
www.guerro.wordpress.com




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