Short Film I wrote

EJ Pennypacker

EJ Pennypacker

Well-known member
Little info, South African director producer purchased the script off me two years ago, and spent $10k on production.

The short script (15pgs) can be viewed here (unload the ZIP for pdf).

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/7452/1193524325.zip

The 15 min film in the vein of DARK CITY can be viewed here:

http://crackle.com/c/Shorts/Cross_Line/2058557

BTS viewed here (click PLAY VIDEO).

http://www.greggwatt.com/press.html#

I will hold up my hand and say of all the weakest elements of this production, it was probably the script.

EJ
 
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don't be too hard. It was well executed yes, but the style of the script suited the Dark City genre. I guess reading the script prior to seeing the short would have been a better to see how I envisaged it and then see the interpretation of the director.

Clever finish. I enjoyed it, very cool.
JT
 
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I didn't understand it. That phone is like a cursed phone and makes you insane? Was that Tommy at the end? Sorry, flew right over my head.

I read the script first, and enjoyed your style and quick stroke character/setting descriptions.
 
I enjoyed it, although I too didn't really "get it." I figured it was either some sort of personification of evil or some person involved with the whole project that made him do it or whatever, I don't think it really matter *who* made him do it, just that he did it and that it was a "loop" of some kind.

I thought it was really well put together, although I confess (no offense) I felt the dialogue was weak. Not that it was badly written, but because the characters often either a) said the obvious or b) restated what they'd earlier said. Like the phone conversation that begins the whole thing could have been half the length, but I feel you were extending it because you felt it wasn't complete yet (of course this could have also been at the director's request - it's a tough spot because it kicks off the movie and you don't want it to be *too* short but groaning at the dialogue right off the bat jeopardises the rest of the movie) or maybe that's just the way it was. The situations flowed, I didn't question one scene to the next, my only complaint was overdoing it on the dialogue. I blame it maybe on a lack of confidence in brevity.

Either way, the setup was nice, I got it enough to figure out the whole point and the twist was interesting, was expecting another type of conclusion. You and the director made a really good team, I hope you two work together again.
 
mrWr0ng said:
I enjoyed it, although I too didn't really "get it." I figured it was either some sort of personification of evil or some person involved with the whole project that made him do it or whatever, I don't think it really matter *who* made him do it, just that he did it and that it was a "loop" of some kind.

I thought it was really well put together, although I confess (no offense) I felt the dialogue was weak. .
Click to expand...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was confused. A lot of short films make me feel stupid, I never get them.

About the dialog, I liked it on the page but not on the screen. I think it was bad acting actually. All the characters really looked the part, but didn't convince me at all once they started talking.

It's almost like this director got so caught up in the look and texture of noir that he neglected other elements. Speculating here.
 
I think this thread deserves a nudge. Even though I was critical, it's a chance to read a script, and watch a completed film. The script and film IMHOP are done to a higher standard than what normally passes here. Best to read the script first.

Sorry, just think this community is missing an opportunity here. I don't think EJ posted it for a round of applause.
 
Yeah definitely. It was very well done, had it had the budget to go to a feature length I think it would have been very well received theatrically
 
Just wanted to lay it all down for fellow writers to see the journey from a short on the page, to then go into production, and finally making it to the screen.

EJ
 
One thing in this script that I never see in short scripts is the ratcheting up of tension. Most shorts end in some stupid joke, gotcha moment, or "Clever" twist. Great, but building momentum, the snowballing of tension, is much harder to pull off--I thought this script accomplished that.
 
I'd also like to thank you for the complete lack of a "lol twist!!11" ending.

That alone kicked it a few notches up in my book.
 
brian,

Yes, I wanted that rising tension for both Dillard the main character and the audience and what Dillard was being coaxed into doing.

Stefan,

You're welcome re: the ending.

EJ
 
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