First part of a screenplay, help? :)

[ChrisHurn]

Hello.

Lately I have become severely intrigued by screenwriting. I'm more into directing & writing music but lately I've been really keen to get into writing more.

This is a project I set myself for the next (however long it takes) months, turning the Final Fantasy VII video game into three screenplays. Not to shoot, I'd never want to do that without a budget big enough... but I thought it would be fun practice, aside from writing my own stuff of course.

This will be my first screenplay. Now of course, I expect it to be bad. I expect my first 10 will suck still, and then maybe we'll see some cool stuff. But I figure why not start now, I'm young, eager, it makes sense.

Final Fantasy VII is something I've always thought would make for an incredible film. It's a dream of mine to put it together on the screen, live action. So here's the first fifteen odd pages of the last few days work. Still rough, but I wanted to see if I could get some opinions. I suspect this will be something I rewrite 10 times over the next few years, until I feel confident enough to write a "serious" draft.

I'm a little worried about structure, that's something I have to learn more about --the first 15 pages introduces most of the main characters, we learn about a few problems, they go on an introductory mission, and the "main" character decides to stick around and a group is formed.

For those of you familiar with the game, the first film I'm thinking will go up to somewhere around Aeris death. It'd make for an awesome dramatic ending to the first, or I could cut it off right before her death and make it a hook for the next film. Still deciding.

The film has multiple "villains". There's of course the Shinra Power Electric Company, which is introduced in these first pages. Sephiroth is the main villain, but I don't want to introduce him for another ten pages or so. Is it a real problem in terms of story structure saving him a bit? He really doesn't fit in in the intro pages.

Anyway, enough babbling. If someone wants to take a look at what I've done so far, that'd be cool.

This is a very early draft:




Chris

 

[alex whitmer]

Needs work

Needs work

If you are writing for yourself to film, it's probably ok. If it's meant to be written in proper screenplay formatting, it's off on several fronts.

This bit for example ...




CAMERA PULLS BACK even more to reveal MIDGAR from a

distance. The CITY is an Industrial Metropolis shaped
like a high-tech PIZZA. On each side are large REACTOR
PIPES blowing out thick buckets of ghostly GREEN SMOKE.
In The CENTRE lies the buildings for the SHINRA
ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY.


First, camera direction should never be in a screenplay EXCEPT for the Director's version.

And, careful of things like 'High-tech pizza'. I have no idea what the hell that is, and I'm guessing I'm not alone. This means you have a reader and, if lucky, a pre-prod crew wondering what to do.

Watch spelling. I am of the opinion all these games tend to be dumned-down entertainment, but you still need to show a command of language even for the simplest of concepts.


MOVE IN TO two SHINRA GUARDS standing by the walls of
an old RAILWAY STATION. Both men are tired, it’s been a
long night.

Avoid things like 'it's been a long night'. We the audience don't know that.

One of the guards lights a smoke as he looks down the
TRACKS. He gasps a sigh of relief as he takes a puff.
The 2am air is FREEZING.

Again, how do we know it's 2am air?


Just a few thoughts. Also, all that intro stuff belongs on a seperate title page, not the same page on which your story starts.

A


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com


​

 

[ChrisHurn]

Thanks for taking a look Alex. I really appreciate someone taking the time to read.

Still grasping the concepts of screenwriting obviously , got a pretty neat book today that covers a lot of important things I have yet to learn...I'll go back and fix all this up.

EDIT: Checked out your website, nice articles - reading them now.

Chris

 

[alex whitmer]

Many of the articles are a work in progress.

Your strength is writing visually. Other than the pizza thing, I could pretty much 'see' what you were writing.

Just need to clean up your formatting. I kicked and screamed the whole ride learning it, but in the end, it really helps keep your story and thoughts organized. Embrace the structure, then bust out of it to arrive at your own style!


I'll be happy to look at this after a rewrite, give you some 'story' feedback.

A


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com

 

[alex whitmer]

A few more thoughts ...

A few more thoughts ...

This ...

The ROBOT follows up the attack with consecutive shots
of LASER BEAMS. BARRET holds on for his life.
Meanwhile, CLOUD gets up from the floor.​

Nice, clean action. No extra words. ​

This ...​

The THRIO make it to the ELEVATOR and BARRET hits the
button. They get out at the top where BIGGS is waiting
anxiously.​

Nice, rapid-fire action, but technically you should do an ...​

ELEVATOR​

... to show the camera is indeed in the elevator to show the pushing of buttons.​

Do you mean Trio??​

This ...​

SECTOR SEVEN is an old, poor area of MIDGAR. The ground
is tacky and dirty, the place is lit by old smokey
green neon lights and the buildings look like old
wooden SHACKS.​

Look like, or are, old wooden shacks. Be specific.​

This ...​

EXT - TIFA’S BAR “SEVENTH HEAVEN” - EARLY MORNING’

SECTOR SEVEN is an old, poor area of MIDGAR. The ground
is tacky and dirty, the place is lit by old smokey
green neon lights and the buildings look like old
wooden SHACKS.

The group step into SEVENTH HEAVEN, a BAR located in
SECTOR SEVEN. A few drinkers scurry out of the door.
It’s been a rough night.

A SMALL GIRL runs to the door. Her name is MARLENE.

What bothers me with this is you slug the bar, but describe sector seven first, then get back to the bar.

I'd rather see you say the train stps in sector seven, describe it, then do a slug outside the bar.

I had to read this a few times to really clarify it. (i'm not very bright however, so ... )

Do you mean a young girl, or a small girl, as in size? Be specific.



This ...

Being picky now!!

​

REPORTER

Early this morning, Sector one
residents woke to the sounds of
the MAKO reactor exploding. It
is suspected that terrorist
group AVALANCHE are responsible
for the attack--

Should be IS responsible, as the group is a single entitiy. Maybe make it THE terrorist group ...

You can clean all that up ina final draft


If this is really your first, It's pretty good. I like the fact that I found next to zero ING form verbs in your actions blocks.

A



​

 

[ChrisHurn]

Thanks for the further comments! this is really helpful...along with the heap of stuff I've been learning in the last day from some online reading. Revision time.

EDIT: Hah, Thrio. Yeah, I meant trio.

Chris

 

[brianluce]

Thanks for the further comments! this is really helpful...along with the heap of stuff I've been learning in the last day from some online reading. Revision time.

EDIT: Hah, Thrio. Yeah, I meant trio.

Chris

I kinda like "Thrio" or better yet "Threo". It sounds more like a group of three than trio does...

 

[Robert Eldon]

Chris,

You might want to check out the book "The Writer's Journey - Mythic Structure for Writers" by Christopher Vogler. This could help you out a lot especially considering the basis of your story.

 

[ChrisHurn]

Heya,

Thanks for that...I'll look into that book. I subscribed to a Hero's Journey email a year ago and have an inbox full of it. Very interesting stuff, thanks.

Chris