1 page Screenplay I randomly wrote.

StefanHaynes

StefanHaynes

Well-known member
So, oh few who remember me (hint: annoying thesaurus fellow), I thought I'd throw in a script I started writing about 45 minuets ago, and finished approximately 3 days from now. I went on a particularily long Cronenberg binge today, so (unfortunatly) you'll notice some influences from that sweet old man. I also was listening to Bothy Band whilst writing, so we'll see if that does something as well.

So, here it be. Either enjoy, or not. (But if you read it, at least give me some sort of response. "THIS BLOWS, YOU SUCK" is fine.)

Code: 
          INT. DINER - NIGHT
          50's style diner, about 15 patrons. Smokey, but warm atmosphere.
          A COP, in standard uniform, sits with a GANGSTER BOY (15-18)
          at a table. The boy is wearing stereotypical "gang"
          clothing. A stout WAITRESS carries a giant slice of pie. She
          places it squarely on the table. She gives a big fat grin.
          Cop signals for the boy to dig in. The boy is starving, he
          digs in, hungrily devouring every morsel, forgoing manners
          and utensils. The cop looks at the boy with a loving grin.
          The food looks less and less appealing as the boy tears it
          up. The juice gets all over his face, covers his eyes. He can't
          see, but he keeps eating. The cop still looks at the boy
          with a warm smile. The boy begins to choke. He can't
          breathe. The cop does not respond. The boy tries to look up
          at the cop, his mouth open (crammed with pie), eyes forced shut.
          He gives a gurgled scream. Cop places a piece of duct tape
          over his mouth. He wraps the boy in a garbage bag, seals it
          with surgical tubing and puts a sticker on the bag, although
          we cannot read it. Starts to drag the bag out of the
          restaurant. Cop nods approvingly at the waitress, (taking
          another pie out of the oven) who in turn winks back, still
          with a big fat grin on her face. Suddenly, the cop is
          stopped by a MAN in an expensive suit, carrying a briefcase.
                              WELL-DRESSED MAN
                    Can I give you a hand officer?
          Cop just gives a slight shake of his head.
                              WELL-DRESSED MAN(CONT'D)
                         (obnoxiously)
                    I just wanted to tell you how much
                    I appreciate you guys cleaning up
                    our neighborhood. Gosh, 2 years
                    ago, I'd be afraid to grab the
                    Sunday paper off the porch! Now I
                    can walk from here to the other
                    side of town, no worries at all. I don't
                    know how you've done it, but you've
                    made everyone in this neighborhood just
                    a little bit safer. Thank you.
          Suddenly, a hand BREAKS though the plastic bag, and takes a hold
          of the man. The man reacts by smashing the hand repeatedly
          with his briefcase until the hand retreats. Nonchalantly,
          the man stands back up.
                              WELL-DRESSED MAN(CONT'D)
                    Wow. That's some angry garbage you've
                    got there!
          Man begins to laugh. Soon the cop begins to laugh. Then the waitress
          while holding another large slice of pie joins in. Gradually
          every other patron in the diner breaks out into profuse
          laughter. Focus on the sticker on the front of the garbage
          bag. It says "GANG PREVENTION PATIENT #1314."
                                                                                             FADE OUT:
 
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well, in all honesty, it comes across as controversial-for-the-sake-of-it. like you're just trying to stir up ****, rather than provoke any meaningful thought into race relations.
 
Oddly enough, I added the "African American" term after I'd written the script. I probably should have not done that.
I'm very interested in racial relations, but not so much with this script. In all honesty, it was probably my own, personal racism, the one that says "Black people in gangs are far easier to stereotypically fit than white" that caused me to put "black" there. I may change it to nondescript, and if it is filmed, I'll make the "gang member" white. Or the "MAN" african american...

Race is not the point of the script; the sacrifices of 'cleaning a society' is, and how those are executed, and soon washed over. (Giuliani comes to mind)
 
(Giuliani comes to mind)
Click to expand...

unfortunately as a non-new yorker, non-american i can't really appreciate this angle. i have heard/read that new york has become a much safer place in the last ten years or so, but i haven't the faintest idea how this has been achieved! (i'm assuming it's not literally choking and binning 'undesirables', but then again i just watched road to guantanamo the other day and it seems anything's possible with american governments - no offence*.)

maybe then this only has a specific appeal to americans, or even just new yorkers? not a criticism, just an observation.

the more i think about it the more i like your screenplay. if made well it could end up as a powerful little short. but i think you need to give it a point. and make it clear(er). because without it, it will just seem, as i said in my first post, sensationalist for the sake of it. and who wants that?

* it's not my intention to turn this into a political thread so please take my comment as throw-away!
 
It's already headed there with that Giuliani comment. Political discussions are not part of what DVXUser is about, so if it heads any further in that direction the thread will be locked. If you want to talk politics, please take it to a politics-discussion site.
 
StefanHaynes said:
I may change it to nondescript, and if it is filmed, I'll make the "gang member" white.
Click to expand...
I think that's probably a good idea. The way it is now, it's coming off as being quite racist. I was finding myself a touch pissed as I read it. Focus on the gang part of it and not the skin color. Also, naming the black character "Boy" isn't probably the best idea.
 
Seems like someone who has that much trouble managing to eat a slice of pie, probably does not present a serious threat to the rest of society.
 
Seems interesting, though bizarre -- which I'm sure is the intention. Almost surreal, rather than simply being un-real.

Of course the American government would never do such a thing -- it's that very fact that gives the story its 'hook' and makes it so bizarre. Furthermore, in the story it's not just the cop who is so callous and abusive to the gang member -- it's everyone in the diner, including the waitress and the businessman. (BTW, I would caution against judging any society based on movies -- remember 'Crocodile Dundee'?)

I did find it odd that the businessman would say "I don't know how you did it." Isn't he standing in witness as to exactly how it was done?? His dialogue seems unnatural and contrived, so I would work on that.

And how, exactly, does one close a trash bag with multicolored tubing? I couldn't visualize that.

Otherwise, though, I think it's certainly a story worth developing. As for it making people uncomfortable from a racism standpoint -- so what? Good movies have been making people uncomfortable for a long, long time -- especially shorts.

Good luck!
 
I've changed it to nondescript.

Thank you, chapelgrovefilms, for your well thought out comments and critiques.

The businessman is an archetypal character, with purposefully cheesy dialog (very unnatural and very contrived). The idea is, he 'does' know how it's done, BUT he doesn't 'want' to. I added the term "obnoxiously" to the parenthetical, in order to further the notion that he is not so much a person, as he is a representation of people (in his case, the ritzy upper class). His character is greatly exaggerated, blown out of proportion. In writing, it's very vague (and looks pretty darn poorly written), but I think on camera, it would be far more clear.

This piece is really much more surreal than "true-to-life" (no doubt related to my Cronenberg binge), and is simply meant to, perhaps, make one think, if just for a few seconds.

As for the tube-tie... well... I honestly don't know myself. vbmenu_register("postmenu_1023903", true);
 
The trouble with purposefully cheesy and contrived dialog, is that it is virtually indistinguishable from, well, plain-old-fashioned poorly-written cheesy and contrived dialog.
 
I agree with most of what was already said, but something else to think about - I think what was rubbing me the wrong way about the script was the portrayal of the gang member. While all the other characters (cop, waitress, man) were characatures of how they really act - the gang member is portrayed as someone incapable of eating a piece of pie, so grateful and starving that he practically chokes himself to death on it. This is not how gang members really are, and it contrasts with the other characters, who are played off of how people really act/are.

It helps that you changed it to nondescript, as the african american angle was way over the top, but regardless of the race the gang member is portrayed in, their portrayal clashes with the portrayal of the other characters. What would happen if he wasnt so gluttonous/starving/incapable of helping himself? What if you made him the most real, most human out of all of the characters? I think it would add to the script and contrast with the other characters treatment of the 'undesirable' element in their city - as it stands now, it still kinda rubs me the wrong way (even without the racial angle).

Hope you understand what Im saying - I definitely see promise in the script, but think it could still be improved.

PS - Id also break up some of the action. I dunno if it was because it was in a scrolling window, but no breaks appeared for me.
 
I agree. There is a huge disconnect between genuine humanity and the mechanical natures so popularily thrown around in "short scripts." It's like an obscure piece of art; you can look at it, even admire it, but when it comes right down to it, you couldn't care less about it. This works in some pieces, but not in something that pleads the viewer to think.

An idea I was toying with:
What if it were to start with grimace between the cop and the gang member? The two have tension. The cop, however, changes moods when the waitress brings a large slice of pie. The boy hungrily devours it with utencils (not bare-handed savagery). The pie itself is poisoned, and he soon takes note of it, etc... The rest unfolds as is.

(I dislike the poisoning angle, since it's as cliche as using a cliche simile in a sentence, but it shows more malice and ill will from the police, and more innocence (albeit also naivity), from the gang member.)

Any other thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
 
Norman Rockwell meets gang banger

Norman Rockwell meets gang banger

I liked this piece.

Needs work, but a fun piece. I'd play up the Noman Rockwellian nature of the diner with an x-box flunky oddly out of place. Nice dichotomy of eras.

Rude? yea. But so are all the snot-nosed punks shoving violence down our throats and calling it free speach.

I'd run with this one. Keep the dialogue cheesy, and see what you come up with.

Hey, it's humor. get over it.

A


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
(BTW, I would caution against judging any society based on movies -- remember 'Crocodile Dundee'?)
Click to expand...

I went to great pains to try and point out my comment was throw-away! Having said that... I stand by Crocodile Dundee. I carry a massive knife with me everywhere I go.
 
alex whitmer said:
I liked this piece.

Needs work, but a fun piece. I'd play up the Noman Rockwellian nature of the diner with an x-box flunky oddly out of place. Nice dichotomy of eras.

Rude? yea. But so are all the snot-nosed punks shoving violence down our throats and calling it free speach.

I'd run with this one. Keep the dialogue cheesy, and see what you come up with.

Hey, it's humor. get over it.

A


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
Click to expand...
Rather than stooping to the level of atavistic devolution displayed in both your posts and your delinquent little "scripts" (hey, freedom of speach, right?), I'll grab the so-called "moral high ground" for the time being, and ignore your mental flatulence. Do make sure you take Gas-X 'afore your screenplaying....
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Oh my god, maybe it's not your lack of talent that produces such vile text-arrhea in "script" form. If you ever sell an actual script, you at least owe me "credit."





Oh yeah, and don't forget that sticking huge spaces throughout your posts makes you look smarter and shows everyone you're not even remotely pretentious. You should hold classes on "ways to not look dopey." I thank you for your insights on humanity, oh reverent writer of our time.
 
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To be fair, I'd prefer this thread to not get locked. Therefore, I ask this to be the last spoken of it. Perhaps I'll just randomly troll in Whit's threads now... (sarcasm).
 
I agree. A lot of the stuff I post seems to get taken out of context. Then again, you can't really take chanting 'fight!' out of context can you?

Well, you can actually. I was trying to draw attention to the childishness of bickering over internet forums.

There you go, everything spelt out clearly, all magic lost.
 
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