Short Script tell me whats you think!

F

flatlander

Well-known member
LAST BREATH

By Stewart Munro



FADE IN

INT. BATHROOM.

The young woman is staring in to a mirror with a blank look on her face.
One hand is on the bathroom sink, the other wipes the tears from her eyes. She says to herself in a soft tone.

WOMAN
I've never treated him bad

There is a sound of running water coming from the tap that is filling up the bath.

WOMAN
Why would he hit me?

WOMAN
I've always done everything he ever wanted!

WOMAN
My friend told me not to marry him.

WOMAN
I don't know how much more of this I can take....


The WOMAN opens the bathroom door cabinet door to grab a razor blade.

The WOMAN turns around and walks over towards the bath.

The sound of the running water gets louder and she gets closer.

Water from the bath is starting to over flow and fall on the floor.

The WOMAN steps into the bath still fully clothed.

She slowly sits down in the bath...

She takes the razor blade in her right hand and Raiser's her left
hand and looks at her wedding ring on her finger, then slowly
looks down at her wrist.

The WOMAN begins to cry and takes the razor blade
and begins to cut in to her wrist.... she begins to
roll her head back…

Now the WOMAN is fully submerged.

She lies motionless with a bleak look upon her face,
she slowly closes her eyes, blows the breath upon
lifeless body

WOMAN
It will be all over soon. Is there anything
worth living for...?


FADE TO BLACK

All is quite... But then a faint a noise can be heard in the background...

The sound is getting louder but it is very muffled...

The sound is of a baby screaming.

FADE IN

INT. BATHROOM.

The WOMAN’S eyes open!

She leans toward the edge of the bath and with one last ounce of strength she pulls herself out....... She makes her way to her baby’s room....

INT. BABY’S ROOM.

She picks up the child and begins to cry and say…

WOMAN
I'm sorry....... I'm so sorry.........

FADE TO BLACK


Hey guys can you tell me what you think of my Script thanks
 
They way the woman talks about the abuse makes it sound like this is the first time he's ever hit her. Ignoring the obvious fact that being abused is no motive to commit suicide (especially if a child is in the equation), the point that its the first time he's hit her amplifies her irrationality. This doesn't sound like a story about an irrational woman or about postpartum depression so I wont suggest that those are the reasons for the attempted suicide. I'll say that the last minute addition of a baby livens it up a bit, however it's clearly a gimmick. Actually the entire story is almost a complilation of known gimicks writers use to trick the audience into feeling an emotion.
I admire your dive into such a dark subject matter but work on writing longer screenplays so you can achieve some dramatic pacing. Good luck, hope this is helpful.
 
FADE IN

INT. BATHROOM.

Lose the period and tell us the time of day

INT. BATHROOM - DAY


The young woman is staring in to a mirror with a blank look on her face.
One hand is on the bathroom sink, the other wipes the tears from her eyes. She says to herself in a soft tone.

Should be 'A young woman ...' since we have just met her. Also, CAP her since she has a speaking part.

A WOMAN, mid 20s ...

Do not use ING form verbs in screenplays, unless you just gotta!

A WOMAN, mid 20s, stares into a mirror ...

And finally, embrace brevity.

'She says to herself in a soft tone' can be chopped to ...

She whispers.

WOMAN
I've never treated him bad

There is a sound of running water coming from the tap that is filling up the bath.

Background noises should be referred to as b.g.

The sound of running water in the b.g.

Since running water is a gerund, it's ok to have the ING.


WOMAN
Why would he hit me?

need action between these dialogues. Maybe she dabs ointment, or massages a bruise.

WOMAN
I've always done everything he ever wanted!

WOMAN
My friend told me not to marry him.

WOMAN
I don't know how much more of this I can take....


The WOMAN opens the bathroom door cabinet door to grab a razor blade.

The WOMAN turns around and walks over towards the bath.

The word over is redundant.

The sound of the running water gets louder and she gets closer.

This is kinda obvious, unless you want the sound for effect.

Water from the bath is starting to over flow and fall on the floor.

Lose the 'is starting to ...' and get to the overflow. 'Onto the floor' is superflous. Where else would it go?

'water overflows' is all you need.


The WOMAN steps into the bath still fully clothed.

She slowly sits down in the bath...


'She slowly sits' is all you need. We already know she is in the bath.

She takes the razor blade in her right hand and Raiser's her left
hand and looks at her wedding ring on her finger, then slowly
looks down at her wrist.

Raiser's is not a word. The ' signifies possesive, so ixnay the whole to get 'she raises'. Better yet, 'She looks at her wedding ring'. She will need to raise her hand to do it. Again, superflous.

The WOMAN begins to cry and takes the razor blade
and begins to cut in to her wrist.... she begins to
roll her head back…

Lose 'begins'. 'The woman cries' is enough. Same with 'rolls her head back'

Now the WOMAN is fully submerged.

She lies motionless with a bleak look upon her face,
she slowly closes her eyes, blows the breath upon
lifeless body

What? I think you're waxing a little poetic here.

WOMAN
It will be all over soon. Is there anything
worth living for...?

She's talking while under water?


FADE TO BLACK

All is quite... But then a faint a noise can be heard in the background...

b.g.

The sound is getting louder but it is very muffled...

gets louder

The sound is of a baby screaming.

FADE IN

INT. BATHROOM.

The WOMAN’S eyes open!

She leans toward the edge of the bath and with one last ounce of strength she pulls herself out....... She makes her way to her baby’s room....

INT. BABY’S ROOM.

She picks up the child and begins to cry and say…

Don't need the 'and say'

WOMAN
I'm sorry....... I'm so sorry.........

FADE TO BLACK

This is a little melodramatic. Needs something to anchor it. Maybe she holds a picture of a man.

A
 
Alex - just trying to learn new things, not questioning you in any way. Why do actions need to be so brief? Whats your motive behind eliminating one word in an action? Just curious.
 
jdajda said:
Alex - just trying to learn new things, not questioning you in any way. Why do actions need to be so brief? Whats your motive behind eliminating one word in an action? Just curious.
Click to expand...

i think when industry pros read it they would like it to be descriptive but not drug out. When you can say something in one word but you used a whole sentence the script may get borring to some people
 
Three things

Three things

In a nut shell, readability.

A lot of extra words means more time reading to come to the same conclusion. In a novel, that works. In a screenplay, it’s annoying.

A screenplay is just a blueprint for others to follow. A director will decide how to get someone from point A to point B, and the actor/actress will interpret the character.

The writer's job is to tell the story as visually as possible with the least amount of words. There is room for fluff when you want to drive home a point, or embellish a character, but otherwise, get to the gist.

For example …

INT. LIVINGROOM – DAY

Sally is on the sofa, The doorbell rings. She stands, turns and starts walking to the door. She opens the door.

This is considered DIRECTING on the page. By describing every move, you are muddying the read for everyone involved. For a spec, that spells trashcan.

If Sally is on the sofa, and the doorbell rings, it is understood she needs to stand, turn, and walk. Leave it out UNLESS there is a really good reason to have it there, such as ‘She limps to the door’, or ‘she hesitates, then opens the door’. The ‘limps’ and the ‘’hesitates’’ will be interpreted by the performers with the guidance of a director.

The above can be reduced to …

Sally is on the sofa. The doorbell rings, and she opens the door.

This could also be rewritten like this …

Sally is on the sofa. The doorbell rings. Sally opens the door.

This version is chopped up by too many periods for the action it explains.

Action should be written the way you want it to happen. If you want it choppy. Write it choppy. Lots of situations call for it. If you want it seamless, then write seamless, and can the periods.

The second reason is conserving lines. You only have 120 pages at most to tell your story. If you blabber on and on to get a character to light a cigarette, your 120 pages will be used up before you ever get to the third act. And, your readers will be exhausted.

For example …

She reaches into her pocket and retrieves a lighter. She puts the cigarette in her mouth and then lights it.

This can all get chopped to…

She lights a cigarette.

The rest is understood, and the performers will figure it out. That why they get X millions.

Taking out even one word has to do with Rhythm. You want your screenplay to have a rhythm to the read. Action needs to move fast. Ba-bump. A drama needs to have a different, slower rhythm that fits the story. ‘’Over towards’’, as was written in the sample screenplay, is redundant.

In fact, on further review …

The WOMAN turns around and walks over towards the bath.

… can get chopped to

The woman walks to the bath.

Five words instead of ten with the same results.

Read both aloud a few times and you'll see what I mean about rhythm.

To be hyper-picky for the sake of it, ‘’walks over towards’’ doesn’t mean she went the bath, only toward it. TO THE BATH is what the writer means.

(by the way, TOWARDS is used more frequently in Britain. TOWARD in the US)

The same goes for describing space.

For example …

INT. HOSPITAL LOUNGE – DAY

The hospital lounge has dead plants and lots of dust. There are cobwebs on the ceiling, and trash in the bins.

Jesus Christ! Wait, let me get a glass of wine and settle in!

Here is where vocabulary comes in. Find one or two words that can express the same thing. The set designer will figure out what to do. That is their job, and how they interpret the writer’s description will be based on budgets, action to take place in the space, and it’s cinematic value.

Also, don’t repeat what you have in your Log. If it says hospital lounge, don’t write that again in your action block. More reading, more time, more choppiness.

I would rewrite the above something like this …

INT. HOSPITAL LOUNGE – DAY

Neglected.






Hope that answers your question.



www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
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It's no Royal Tenenbaums but I think it could be an effective scene if played properly.

In a scene like this less is more - Instead of having her say "why does he hit me" you could show her examining her shiner in the mirror with a man yelling obscenities in the other room.

I'm sorry to say it but the dialog struck me as pretty trite, a bit boring, and generally hard to accept. I think a person mumbling to herself is more likely to work if it's of the variety that gives us subtle insight into the character's deepest thoughts. It doesn't work here because the thoughts seem to be to coherent, it reeks like "filling us in on the plot dialog" which ruins it for me.
 
Wow Alex you should go teach this stuff somewhere. I didnt realize it was pretty much encroaching on the director's territory. Definitely makes sense as far as submitting a screenplay too. I dont like to read novels for the same reason, maybe I should just read screenplays...
 
The scene as it was written was okay but Alex your explanations were awesome.

The director in me looks at a scene like this and it just screams for less dialog. The turmoil she's going through could be very interesting if told through her reactions to what she sees and hears and less on what she says.
 
I agree, good job Alex. I too would like to see this scene play out with little to no dialog. I think if you showed her with a black eye and/or bruises/cuts you could eliminate ALL the dialog ... and IMHO it would be much more effective.
 
show, don't tell

show, don't tell

This should be written with zero dialogue. When the action can stand on its own to tell the story, THEN you can add dialogue if it needs it.

In this case, the dialogue is what gives it such a melodramatic stagnation. The baby crying can be a powerful addition at the very end. Otherwise, as already suggested by others, a few bruises, maybe a fat lip, a photo of man, or have her write something on the mirror in lipstick.

I've posted this before, but for those who missed it, watch this mega-award winning short that has zero dialogue. Ignore the commercial up front.

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2801548/collection/242/channel/shorts

A

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
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Well, it technically means good... So thats why I say that, but I really dont understand why it means good when $h!t stinks...

Here's an example... In script form...

---------------

FADE IN:

EXT. DARK IRISH PUB - NIGHT

Guy leaves bar holding two chicks. They pass two kids.

KID 1
(to KID 2)
Yo, that guys the $h!t!

---------------

Thats their way of sayin... He's the man... or in long terms... praising him for leaving with two chicks leading them to believe he's gonna have some hot three way action...
 
There's a big difference between saying "that is sh!t" as opposed to calling something "the sh!t." Don't ask me why but they are complete opposites. It's sort of like when people call something "the bomb."

The way I interpreted futureDVXuser's comment was that he thought it was bad. "Bad" as in good.

Jive is killing the language, it's a shame.
 
The short was a bit long, I think it could have been done in 1/2 the time. Don't get me wrong, it was very well executed, but once you know the DJ can fix everything, it's boring by the third time. After that, your story development is done, your character arcs are finished and you're just "watching."

IMO, I would caution against both too little brevity and too much. While it's true that you don't want to direct on the page, you also want to be sure you've set up both your external plot but, more importantly, your thematic undercurrents. A proper description of a quivering lip holding a cigarette before lighting it tells you a lot about the internal state of the character, but still leaves the performance up to the actor and the story translation ot the director.

A well written screenplay can make you see every shot, allow you to feel all the internal and external conflicts and even bring emotional feelings out of the reader (my girlfriend finished my last feature in tears, she was so moved at the ending). Too much brevity can destroy this by making the blueprint stagnant and unemotional.

Too little brevity, however, turns the screenplay into a novel. You can slow down the read and the reader gets bored, annoyed and isn't getting drawn into the world. Ideally they'll be reading the screenplay at ~ the same speed it's happening, so if it takes them 5 or 10 minutes to get through a page, it just ain't worth it.

As John Cage says about rhythm, it's not the notes, but the spaces inbetween. The spaces can be both long and short, and a good rhythm has variations of both. Your action is fast and choppy, your dramatic moments are longer and times of reflection are especially long.
 
The short was a bit long, I think it could have been done in 1/2 the time. Don't get me wrong, it was very well executed, but once you know the DJ can fix everything, it's boring by the third time. After that, your story development is done, your character arcs are finished and you're just "watching."

Somewhat disagree. Each time he the DJ did his thing, we saw a little more of his abilities. He's like a reluctant messiah only showing what he needs.


If you look closely at the beginning, he has lipstick marks on his face (which he wipes off) like he's been tossed out. He knows his 'ability' has its drawbacks.

It also shows that even the messiah is not infallible.

IMO, I would caution against both too little brevity and too much. While it's true that you don't want to direct on the page, you also want to be sure you've set up both your external plot but, more importantly, your thematic undercurrents. A proper description of a quivering lip holding a cigarette before lighting it tells you a lot about the internal state of the character, but still leaves the performance up to the actor and the story translation ot the director.

Hence ...

If Sally is on the sofa, and the doorbell rings, it is understood she needs to stand, turn, and walk. Leave it out UNLESS there is a really good reason to have it there, such as ‘She limps to the door’, or ‘she hesitates, then opens the door’. The ‘limps’ and the ‘’hesitates’’ will be interpreted by the performers with the guidance of a director.

It's ok to embellish something when needed, just not every line of the screenplay. Make it count.


A well written screenplay can make you see every shot, allow you to feel all the internal and external conflicts and even bring emotional feelings out of the reader (my girlfriend finished my last feature in tears, she was so moved at the ending). Too much brevity can destroy this by making the blueprint stagnant and unemotional.

Agreed. See above. make it count, just don't over/under do it.

Too little brevity, however, turns the screenplay into a novel. You can slow down the read and the reader gets bored, annoyed and isn't getting drawn into the world. Ideally they'll be reading the screenplay at ~ the same speed it's happening, so if it takes them 5 or 10 minutes to get through a page, it just ain't worth it.

As John Cage says about rhythm, it's not the notes, but the spaces inbetween. The spaces can be both long and short, and a good rhythm has variations of both. Your action is fast and choppy, your dramatic moments are longer and times of reflection are especially long.

Like any art, the negative space is as important as the positve space. A pause is as powerful as words.
 
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