my first script

S

suicidefilms

Member
hey guys this is my very first film script that i thought about and had the guts to write. ok before we get started, 1) this script is not formatted correctly at the moment and i don't know how to do so. 2) the grammar is shi*, and i never really paid attention in class since i never really gave a shi* since i was hyper. 3) some of the details are very graphic and some scene may not fit...since they may be not needed.the script is set in an abandoned hospital and weird shi* is happening. just check it out and tell me what you think.

hospital scene: guy is in bed sleeping wakes up and looks around. day.
nurse. how are you feeling?
bobby. I’m fine but where am I?
nurse. your in the Ottawa civic hospital sir.
bobby. how did I get here?
nurse. you had a mental break down sir.
bobby. you sure about that?
nurse. yes I’m sure.
bobby. what did I do?
nurse. you killed a patient in this ward with a scalpel.
bobby. oh god.
end scene.

scene 2 hospital scene. night. debris everywhere with an odd smell.
bobby. nurse! nurse!
no answer......
hello is there anyone there?
no answer.....
gets up from bed and walks to the door and looks around.
hello! can you hear me?
no answer......
walks down hall looking for any life signs.
end scene

scene 3 hallway. dark dank and smelly.
bobby. what’s that smell!
bobby. looks around and walks looking for smell.
bobby. looks like this smell is coming from the door to the right.
looks around in room.
watches something in the hospital bed.
hello! what are you doing?
nurse! are you there?
no answer....
walks closer to bed.
why aren’t you answering me?
no answer.....
she’s nurse with scalpel cutting at patient.
what the **** are your doing to him?
moaning comes from the patient.
bobby. looks at nurse’s face and see’s no face.
bobby. oh my god.

scene 4. guy runs down hall screaming
bobby. what the **** is happening?
bobby. I’m too young to deal with this ****.
bobby. help! help me!
no answer....
bobby. is there anyone in here?
no answer....
look around trying find a way out and sees body
bobby. where am I? how did I end up in this place?
bobby. what is that smell man it’s so foul.
walks down and trips over dead mutilated body.
bobby. what the hell is that. it looks like someone’s gotten a knife and cut the guys eyes and chest open.
bobby begins to touch the body and gets freaked out.
bobby. what could of done this? who in there right mind would do something so horrible?
the body feels wet, slimy, clamy and cold. .
oh god this is not happening man.
bobby. who are you man do you have any ID in your body?
bobby begins to search the body.
bobby. ew this is disgusting.
bobby. there’s no ID on you or nothing buddy. strange
bobby begins to walk away and hears a loud sound coming from the body.
bobby what the hell was that?
muuuuuh! muuuuuh!
bobby. oh **** that things alive!
bobby begins to freak out and run.
monster gets up and begins walking after him.
bobby hides in room down the hall.
bobby. I need a weapon I need one now.
looks around for a lead pipe or scalpel
bobby. ah here we go.
picks up rusted pipe and holds it tightly,
bobby. lets try this out for a change and swings it hard.
bobby yes this will do!


scene 5 monster is coming down hall.
muuuuh! muuuuh!
the monster slowly creeps down the hall dragging his leg.
monster. muuuuh! muuuuuh!
bobby. oh **** he’s here. bobby begins to ready the pipe.
the monster dashes threw the door and proceeds to lung at him.
bobby swings pipe. hard and hits monster.
monster still hasn’t died.
bobby. why wont you die! hits it again as chest stitches open up and falls down.
bobby. eww that’s gross man.
monster begins to crawl on the floor after him.
bobby. what your not dead yet! damn don’t you ever die! drives pole threw monsters faceless head
blood flies everywhere in room.
monster begins to shake rapidly in a scary manner.
bobby what your not dead yet! damn!
bobby then proceeds to try and take it out.
bobby. damn it’s stuck. must be wedged in there bad.
bobby. ah **** it.
bobby begins to walk away from the **** he just saw and proceeds to go down the hall.
bobby. damn that was some weird **** happening back there.
bobby. now to look for another weapon and a flashlight.
begins to walk down hall looking for supply room.
where is the supply room I really need this so bad.
bobby . ah there you are.
begins to look for light and maybe knife.
bobby. ok where would I put dangerous ****?
ah in the locked cupboard.
bobby begins to smash the wood surrounding the lock.
begins to kick hard and hears snap.
ah that’s betters and find a flash light.
begins to panic after there’s no weapon.
Oh hell no! where are they ****ing knives and ****?
bobby. damn I’m ****ed!
bobby begins to leave room swearing in his teeth.

scene 6. hallway
bobby this is great now I can’t protect myself anymore. what am I going to do now!
bobby begins walking down hallways looking for signs of survivors.
hello! is there anybody here! hello!
no answer....
can anybody hear me!
no answer...
if anybody is out there I need your help! I’m stuck in this damn hellhole.
no answer...
bobby this isn’t funny I’m really scared here!
no answer.
oh **** you!

scene 7 banging on door.
bobby hears a loud banging on a metal door.
bobby. hello!
bang! bang! bang!
are you human!
bang! bang! bang!
bobby. answer me man!
bang! bang! bang!
stop it now man!
bang! bang! bang!
bobby approaches door and sees a big tyrant of a man.
bobby. oh boy!
the monster breaks down the door in furious rage and begins to chase bobby.
bobby runs as fast as he can down the hall. look for a place to hide.
monster is 10 paces behind him.
oh **** and begins to run faster.
bobby why is this happening to me I don’t deserve this man.
monster is 8 paces behind him.
bobby. oh god help me!
looks around for any type of vent or crawl space.
bobby. ah here we go. bobby climbs into air vents as fast as he could.
the monster is 2 paces behind.
bobby jumps up in time before monster can rip him in half.
bobby. whew that was close man.
monster screams and begins to deafen bobby..
.bobby shut up your freak.
the monster had a yellow body with brown colour and where it’s arms were there weren’t any.
the monsters mouth has big large teeth snarling as he looked up at bobby.
bobby damn your an ugly asshole.
bobby begins to crawl down vent. monster begins to smash threw the wall.
bobby oh god that thing doesn’t give up does it.




scene 8 vents. bobby begins to crawl farther down hallway and feels wetness around with pieces of things and a bad smell.
bobby. what the hell is that smell! and why am I wet?
bobby begins to crawl down the vents and the clutter begins to get even worse with even more wetness and smell.
ew this is pretty disgusting ****.
bobby begins to crawl more into the vent and gets stuck.
aw **** what the hells happened now!
bobby gets out flashlight and turns it on.
bobby. oh god no!
sees blood and body parts all over the vent and begins to scream in fear of his life.
bobby. oh god get me out of here man this sucks hard.
bobby begins to dig at body parts and begins chucking it behind him..
aw damn this stinks. blood begins to splash all over the place
could this get any worse in here man!
bobbies still trying to get the body parts out of the way. and begins to thrown up.
ah man this isn’t my day man.
begins tunnelling into the body parts with his hands and begin swim up threw the blood and sinew.
bobby begins to find light and passes out for an hr.
aw **** that was some weird dream I had there man it was pretty freaky.
bobby looks around and sees body parts and lots of bloody around him.
god no!
bobby begins to look around to get out.
ah here we go.
bobby comes out of vent and into an insane asylum.
bobby. ah home free at last. begins to walk out of room and sees dead people nailed to there cells and outside on the walls.
bobby doesn’t say a word and begins to walk slowly down hallway.
bobby looks in every room as he sees deformed carcasses. the patients looked like they were cut sacrificed in weird rituals. bodies hanging from the ceiling with there spinal chords removed. and there faces removed.
bobby walks down the hallway hears a loud crying sound from the lobby of the mental ward.
bobby hello?
bobby are you hurt?
bobby do you need any help?
waah waah waah.
hello?
answer me!
they took my baby cried someone
who took your baby?
they did.
who’s they.
the creatures.
where are you?
I’m in the lobby near the bathroom
bobby ok I’m coming
crying person
don’t come I feel weird
bobby I have to come
bobby walks down the hall and begins to enter the bathroom
hello!
no answer..
are your in here?
no answer.
bobby begins to start kicking in the stalls doors.
where are you! come out!
are you hurt?
I don’t know said the crying person.
bobby where are you!
I’m in the last stall.
ok here I come.
bobby open the door and their was a lady crying hard.
with blood all over her body.
are you ok?
yeah said the crying person.
get up for me then.
the crying person got up and bobby could tell something was wrong.
the crying person had no arm and on her stomach was an open wound where the baby should have been.
bobby oh god you are hurt let me look at you.
crying person ok.
bobby walked closer
oh god your hurt bad.
bobby finally hears a bang on the back of his head.
bobby who did that!
bobby gets hit on the head hard this time and feels dizzy.
bobby ok if you do that one more time I’m going to kill you.
bobby turns around in a dizzy daze and looks at a blurry brown looking thing.
creature hits him hard and bobby falls down the ground and passes out.

scene 9. trolley.
bobby wakes up and see some lights in the hallways
bobby where am I
what am I moving.
bobby. what am I On.
where am I going.
bobby begins to see clearly but can’t move.
bobby looks around and can only see a dark figure pushing him down a dimly lit hallway.
bobby feels like he’s been there for hrs on end.
the trolley turns the corner and begins to come to a stop.
bobby says hello are you there?
monster begins to walk over the wall and knock on it.
another person opens the door. the monster grunts and comes in.
ah hello my friend said the Dr. just put him on the table.
monster begins to take bobby off the trolley and picks him up and puts him on the table.
Dr begins to speak to bobby.
so why are you here?
tell me why your here!
don’t make you force on you man.
bobby begins to speak.
bobby I don’t know I just woke up here.
Dr. liar I don’t believe a single word.
bobby I’m telling you the truth.
Dr oh really with a evil grin.
Dr if you won’t tell I’m going to make you.
Dr grabs scalpel and bone saw.
tell me how you found about this place or else.
bobby I don’t know I said.
the scalpel begins to poise down towards bobbies eye.
Dr tell me now or I will remove your eye.
I told you I don’t know.
the Dr begins to stick the scalpel deep in his eye.
bobby his scream hard and trying to move but he’s frozen in fear.
the Dr turns the scalpel around in a circle around his eye and begins to cut if out.
the Dr gets his tongs and takes his eye out.
Dr do you see what happens when you don’t answer my questions!
bobby yes! yes!
tell my where your from now!
bobby I don’t know! screams bobby.
the Dr begins to grab the bone saw and begins to press the trigger button.
tell me now or you loose your hand.
I told you I don’t know!
Dr sorry not good enough.
the Dr slowly begins to descend the bone saw to is hand.
tell me or you loose it!
I don’t know.
the Dr begins to saw threw his hand as bloody erupts from the wound. showering skin and bits of bone and blood in the air.
Dr will you tell me now?
no because I don’t know the answer.
Dr begins to hear a loud buzzing sound and begins to retreat.
bobby also hears an annoying sound and begins to say stop it! stop it!
bobby wakes up in a hospital bed and sees a nurse.
nurse where am I?
your in a mental institution sir.
bobby how did I get here?
nurse. you became violent and we had to restrain you.
bobby but how did I get here?
nurse you were in a car crash sir.
bobby i don’t remember that.
nurse you’ve had some serious damage
bobby. but I don’t drive a car.
nurse but you did try to kill one of your Dr’s sir
bobby prove it man. I was in this place and there were these weird creatures and **** and I lost my eye and hand.
nurse. do you see anything missing sir.
not now but I saw it I know it was true.
nurse yeah right i think your mentally ill.
bobby. no I’m just a normal guy looking for a job.
nurse you got any proof of this sir.
bobby. I don’t know.
nurse see your not yourself today
bobby i was my self dammit why don’t you believe me.
nurse because your escaped from your cell and tried to murder our Dr in the morgue sir.
bobby I did not.
I got video camera proof that you did indeed attack him.
let me see it then so I can believe you.
nurse ok. but first let me give you a sedative to calm you down.
bobby I’m calm dammit
nurse I don’t care your still getting one.
bobby begins to resist the nurse.
orderly! orderly!
what do you want nurse?
restrain this man he’s becoming violent.
ok. nurse. orderlies hold him down. calm down sir we don’t want to hurt you.
the nurse sticks bobby in the arm with the sedative.
nurse that wasn’t hard was that.
bobby. I’m going to kill you guys when I wake up.
nurse sure you are.
bobby oh I will.
bobby begins to feel drowsy and begins to stutter and passes out.
-
 
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*Yawn* It's bloody, gory, no plot, no story, just a bunch of stuff that happens. I was hoping for a pay off in the end but, alas, it just fizzels out. Gore for gore's sake.
 
The opening scene was decent and set up some interesting questions that can make for a good mystery thriller. But like R!ff R4ff says, there's no coherent plot and no payoff. Who is this Bobby guy? Did he in fact killed another patient? Why?

Consider these questions instead of trying to come up with new gory scenarios. There's some imaginative ones but without a story it all adds up to zip.

The dialogue reveals nothing about these characters because none of the lines stand out. In fact it's almost written like a comedy with corny lines like "I'm going to kill you guys when I wake up." Having the main character cussing and whining half the time doesn't make him interesting. Ask yourself who you want him to be as a character (is he just a regular guy trapped in a situation he doesn't understand? or is he cool as ice and finds a way to deal with the situation?).
 
yes he is trapped in a situation, for some reason he wakes up there. my original idea of an ending was where he commited suicide with a bunch of creatures, because he couldn't take it anymore. there was also a part where he was brought back to life via an robotic brain but i found it was kind of rushed in my view. hey riff raff what's for the points, but isn't all new age horror gore for gores sake? look as hostel,saw I and II and III coming,hard candy not gorey but same concept. for some reason this day and age there have been so many torture flicks.
 
It's not really the gore that's the problem, the problem is that there's no story to explain why they're happening. Saw I and II both have interesting backstory that explains why the killer does what he does; the characters in both films are also given identities (stereotypical as they might be) that helps us understand their actions. You need to explain to the audience why weird stuff is happening inside this hospital. There's nothing more annoying than watching a film and realizing that stuff was happening only because the writer arbitrarily decides that it should.
 
God I hate Saw and Saw II. What a pile of poop. If you want good writing you should watch all the movies Saw II copied.
 
I hate silly endings, cliched twists that happen so often in shorts. Every short I watch now I am waiting for it to be a dream, or somebody is already dead or some M. Night Shyamalan ending.

Shorts have such potential and if you can tell a story in 5, you can do the same in a full length.
 
tankgirl your so right about the saw series there one of the biggest pieces of **** i have ever seen. there just overrated trash.

here's the same script worked out from some tips from another site. i've reduced some of the shitty, corny dialogue. I still dont know what i'm going to do for a backstory. a guy online said there should be a back story where there had been some bad experiments gone wrong killed almost everyone. the short story novel version which has badder grammar, and it a bit more gorey, has some surreal and transformation scenes. i'd post but i don't know if you'd read it.

ospital scene: guy is in bed sleeping wakes up and looks around. day.
nurse. how are you feeling?

bobby. where am i?

nurse. your in the Ottawa civic hospital sir.
bobby. how did I get here?
nurse. you had a mental break down sir.


bobby. what did I do?
nurse. you killed a patient in this ward with a scalpel.
bobby. oh god in voice over.
end scene.

scene 2 hospital scene. night. debris everywhere with an odd smell.
bobby. nurse! nurse!
no answer......

gets up from bed and walks to the door and looks around.
hello!
no answer......
walks down hall looking for any life signs.
end scene

scene 3 hallway. dark dank and smelly.

bobby. looks around and walks looking for smell.

looks around in room.
watches something in the hospital bed.


no answer....
walks closer to bed.

no answer.....
she’s nurse with scalpel cutting at patient.

moaning comes from the patient.
bobby. looks at nurse’s face and see’s no face.


scene 4. bobby runs down hall screaming


bobby. is there anyone in here?
no answer....
look around trying find a way out and sees somebody

walks down and trips over dead mutilated body.
it looks like someone’s gotten a knife and cut the guys eyes and chest open.
bobby begins to touch the body and gets freaked out.

the body feels wet, slimy, clamy and cold. .




bobby begins to walk away and hears a loud sound coming from the body.

muuuuuh! muuuuuh!

bobby begins to freak out and run.
monster gets up and begins walking after him.
bobby hides in room down the hall.

looks around for a lead pipe or scalpel

picks up rusted pipe and holds it tightly,


scene 5 monster is coming down hall.
muuuuh! muuuuh!
the monster slowly creeps down the hall dragging his leg.
monster. muuuuh! muuuuuh!

the monster dashes threw the door and proceeds to lung at him.
bobby swings pipe. hard and hits monster.
monster still hasn’t died.
chest stitches open up and his guts fall out and then falls down.
camera goes in for close up of the body.

camera goes to a medium shot of the monster walking to bobby.

the monster wakes up and begins to crawl begins to crawl on the floor after him.
drives pole threw monsters faceless head
blood flies everywhere in room.
monster begins to shake rapidly in a scary manner.

bobby begins to walk away from the **** he just saw and proceeds to go down the hall.


begins to walk down hall looking for supply room.

begins to look for light and maybe knife.

bobby begins to smash the wood surrounding the lock.
begins to kick hard and hears snap.

begins to panic after there’s no weapon.


scene 6. hallway

bobby begins walking down hallways looking for signs of survivors.






scene 7 banging on door.
bobby hears a loud banging on a metal door.
bobby. hello!
bang! bang! bang!

bang! bang! bang!

bang! bang! bang!
stop it now man!
bang! bang! bang!
bobby approaches door and sees a big tyrant of a man.

the monster breaks down the door in furious rage and begins to chase bobby.
bobby runs as fast as he can down the hall. look for a place to hide.
monster is 10 paces behind him.

monster is 8 paces behind him.

looks around for any type of vent or crawl space.

the monster is 2 paces behind.
bobby jumps up in time before monster can rip him in half.


the monster had a yellow body with brown colour and where it’s arms were there weren’t any.
the monsters mouth has big large teeth snarling as he looked up at bobby.

bobby begins to crawl down vent. monster begins to smash threw the wall.





scene 8 vents. bobby begins to crawl farther down hallway and feels wetness around with pieces of things and a bad smell.

bobby begins to crawl down the vents and the clutter begins to get even worse with even more wetness and smell.

bobby begins to crawl more into the vent and gets stuck.

bobby gets out flashlight and turns it on.
bobby. looks around and gasps.
sees blood and body parts all over the vent and begins to scream in fear of his life.

bobby begins to dig at body parts and begins chucking it behind him..
. blood begins to splash all over the place

bobbies still trying to get the body parts out of the way. and begins to thrown up.

begins tunnelling into the body parts with his hands and begin swim up threw the blood and sinew.
bobby begins to find light and passes out for an hr.

bobby looks around and sees body parts and lots of bloody around him.
god no!
bobby begins to look around to get out.
ah here we go.
bobby comes out of vent and into an insane asylum.
bobby begins to walk out of room and sees dead people nailed to there cells and outside on the walls.
bobby doesn’t say a word and begins to walk slowly down hallway.
bobby looks in every room as he sees deformed carcasses. the patients looked like they were cut sacrificed in weird rituals. bodies hanging from the ceiling with there spinal chords removed. and there faces removed.
bobby walks down the hallway hears a loud crying sound from the lobby of the mental ward.

waah waah waah.
hello?

they took my baby cried someone
who took your baby?


the creatures.

I’m in the lobby near the bathroom

crying person
don’t come I feel weird

bobby walks down the hall and begins to enter the bathroom
hello!
no answer..

no answer.
bobby begins to start kicking in the stalls doors.

are you hurt?
I don’t know said the crying person.

I’m in the last stall.

bobby open the door and their was a lady crying hard.
with blood all over her body.

yeah said the crying person.

the crying person got up and bobby could tell something was wrong.
the crying person had no arm and on her stomach was an open wound where the baby should have been.
bobby with the look of fear on him

bobby walked closer

bobby finally hears a bang on the back of his head.

bobby gets hit on the head hard this time and feels dizzy.

bobby turns around in a dizzy daze and looks at a blurry brown looking thing.
creature hits him hard and bobby falls down the ground and passes out.

scene 9. trolley.
bobby wakes up and see some lights in the hallways

bobby begins to see clearly but can’t move.
bobby looks around and can only see a dark figure pushing him down a dimly lit hallway.
bobby feels like he’s been there for hrs on end.
the trolley turns the corner and begins to come to a stop.

monster begins to walk over the wall and knock on it.
another person opens the door. the monster grunts and comes in.
ah hello my friend said the Dr. just put him on the table.
monster begins to take bobby off the trolley and picks him up and puts him on the table.
Dr begins to speak to bobby.
so why are you here?
tell me why your here!

bobby doesnt say a word.

Dr begins to scream at him.


Dr grabs scalpel and bone saw.
tell me how you found about this place or else.

the scalpel begins to poise down towards bobbies eye.
Dr tell me now or I will remove your eye.

the Dr begins to stick the scalpel deep in his eye.
bobby his scream hard and trying to move but he’s frozen in fear.
the Dr turns the scalpel around in a circle around his eye and begins to cut if out.
the Dr gets his tongs and takes his eye out.



bobby I don’t know! screams bobby.
the Dr begins to grab the bone saw and begins to press the trigger button.
tell me now or you loose your hand.

the Dr slowly begins to descend the bone saw to is hand.


the Dr begins to saw threw his hand as bloody erupts from the wound. showering skin and bits of bone and blood in the air.

Dr begins to hear a loud buzzing sound and begins to retreat.
bobby also hears an annoying sound and begins to say stop it! stop it! he says it in voice over.
bobby wakes up in a hospital bed and sees a nurse.
nurse where am I?
your in a mental institution sir.
bobby how did I get here?
nurse. you became violent and we had to restrain you.

nurse you were in a car crash sir.

nurse you’ve had some serious damage
bobby. but I don’t drive a car.
nurse but you did try to kill one of your Dr’s sir
these weird creatures and **** and I lost my eye and hand.
nurse. do you see anything missing sir.

nurse yeah right i think your mentally ill.

nurse you got any proof of this sir.

nurse see your not yourself today

nurse because your escaped from your cell and tried to murder our Dr in the morgue sir.
bobby I did not.
I got video camera proof that you did indeed attack him.

nurse ok. but first let me give you a sedative to calm you down.

nurse I don’t care your still getting one.
bobby begins to resist the nurse.
orderly! orderly!
what do you want nurse?
restrain this man he’s becoming violent.
ok. nurse. orderlies hold him down. calm down sir we don’t want to hurt you.
the nurse sticks bobby in the arm with the sedative.
nurse that wasn’t hard was that.


bobby begins to feel drowsy and begins to stutter and passes out
 
Okay, we have pretty much the same situation as above now. Although with an additional character, and him finding this woman. Most of the dialogue seems unreal. Such as "man" used quite frequently. It is not as bad as the first attempt (I haven't seen that much swearing in one script ever...)

But again, there doesn't seem to be a point to it. Obviously he is having a halutionation. But why are people dead? Why are their monsters? Why are their random body parts here and there. If there was a reason for the dead bodies, then it would make sense. Also the interrogation scene just doesn't seem right. "tell me or else" then cuts eye out. I don't think you have to push it through that quickly. Interrogations can be done very well if they are thought out.

And the Saw series is not simply gore for gore's sake. There is an detailed story line, an adapting story as well. Everything ties in. Granted in the beginning you wonder what is going on. But everything makes sense after you watch it. It was done amazingly in my personal opinion. Again, I think you need an actual ending to tie everything together.
 
There's also the problem that this is a screenplay, and you regularly refer to how things smell. Smell is a real challenge to communicate visually...
 
Wilder, that is a very valid point. As of yet there is no smell in cinema. And I am glad we don't really. But one can't see smell. Nor can one actually smell...smell.

I would consider a re-write. From the top actually. Leave out the smell. Because essentially all we have our main character doing is climbing through a dark vent. Thenhe finds dead things. Of course, if it was real life, then it would get scary. But in film, a vent is a vent...it is still silver, it is still shiney, it is still a vent with a bloody surprise at the end.
 
It's funny how so many people think they can write screenplays, as if they were different than any other fiction writing. Plays, novels, shortstories, all have one thing in common. They are stories.
I've delt with quite a few screenwriters who don't write anything in these other formats because they don't think they are good enough, as if screenwriting were the easiest way to tell stories. It is not.
Some people are good writers.
Some think they are.
Some know they are not, but still think they can craft a decent screenplay.
 
i kinda glanced over the script because i think it coulda been written more visual. i have no idea what your characters look like or any sense of what their character is about. the story seems to be going nowehere particular. everyone kinda talks the same too.

doesnt seem like your script is in any type of format either. you should consider getting some screenwriting software like final draft or something similar. read as many scripts as possible....when i read/write a script i'm used to it kinda looking and flowing like this:

Code: 
INT. BLUE BAY AUDITORIUM - DAY

     A hundred high school kids sit before a raised, hardwood stage.
     The students are not unlike the campus, radiant, well-tended -- a
     veritable sea of adolescent sexuality -- bronze boys who seem to
     have just come from the boats or tennis courts -- girls in tight
     shorts riding high up shapely thighs, as...

     SAM LOMBARDO strolls out onto the stage.  The man is thirtyish,
     drop-dead handsome.  Dressed not that differently from the kids,
     in an Izod polo shirt, khakis and boat shoes.

     His entrance has an effect upon the audience, particularly upon
     the girls.

     KAREN and JANELLE, 16, pretty blondes, whisper then giggle.

     NICOLE, a dark-eyed beauty, 17 but going on 25, watches Sam's
     walk, then turns to the girl at her side...

     KELLY VAN RYAN, 17, a fully-developed knockout.

                                  NICOLE
                  When we graduate the only thing I'm
                  going to miss is...
                         (with a nod to the stage)
                  Know what I mean?

     Kelly's eyes are locked on Sam.  Nicole has to nudge her.

                                  NICOLE (CONT'D)
                  Kelly?

                                  KELLY
                         (still staring)
                  Oh yeah.

     Sam is at the podium.  He looks out across the audience.  There
     are a couple of flirtatious whistles, laughter.  Sam smiles,
     silencing them with a wave of his hand.
just my opinion, take what you want of it and leave the rest. screenwriting is a complex craft but can be done effectively with enough research and practice. good luck though. :)
 
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