THE MIRACLE HEALER (Short Script, 4 pgs) - Looking for feedback

Larry Rutledge

Larry Rutledge

Fest Master
[scrippet]
FADE IN:

EXT. STREET - DAY

An office door opens and a man walks out onto the sidewalk carrying a small sign. The man attaches the sign to chains hanging over the door

INSERT: SHINGLE - "DR. JONATHAN COHEN, M.D. - GENERAL PRACTICIONER"

The man looks down the street, then turns and re-enters the office.

INT. MARY'S HOUSE - DAY

MARY (30s) is on the phone with HANNAH (30s).

MARY
Have you been to the new doctor yet? They say he can cure anything.

HANNAH
(filtered)
But, that's not possible.

MARY
Well, you remember Tom's wart?

HANNAH
(filtered)
You mean the one that Doc Harrison couldn't make go away?

MARY
The very one. Gone...in one visit. And, remember Lillian's back pain?

HANNAH
(filtered)
Everyone knows she's faking that pain...

MARY
Sure, but no one could get her to stop complaining about it, right?

HANNAH
(filtered)
You're not saying-

MARY
I am...she's calling him a Miracle Healer.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - DAY

MR. THOMPSON (50s) reads a magazine while waiting for the doctor. Repeatedly looks at his watch, then to the clock on the wall and finally to the office door.

He sighs, then returns to his magazine article...the magazine is upside down.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

The door to the doctor's office and DR. COHEN sticks his head out.

DR. COHEN
I'm ready for the next patient.

RECEPTIONIST
Yes doctor, right away.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Dr. Cohen sits at his desk reading through the chart while Mr. Thompson sits across from him. Mr. Thompson sighs loudly and the doctor peeks over the chart at him, then grins and puts the chart down.

DR. COHEN
Mr. Thompson, what can I -

MR. THOMPSON
They say your a miracle healer, I'm going to prove them wrong.

The doctor looks at him for a moment.

DR. COHEN
I am a doctor. It is my job to heal.

MR. THOMPSON
They speak like you are God, that's blasphemy. I'll prove it.

DR. COHEN
How are you going to do that?

MR. THOMPSON
I can't taste nothin', so what're ya goin' to do?

The doctor sits back in his chair and looks across at Mr. Thompson who is wearing a sheepish grin on his face. The doctor then grabs the chart and starts flipping through.

MR. THOMPSON (CONT'D)
See, I knew you were a phony...you don't know what to do.

The doctor doesn't say a word, just gets up and heads over to a cabinet above the sink. He rifles around through various jars and vials then pulls one out.

DR. COHEN
This should be a simple matter to fix...you just need jar number 34.

The doctor's turns pouring some of the thick, green liquid into a cup and hands it to Mr. Thompson.

DR. COHEN (CONT'D)
Here, drink this...it should solve your problem.

Mr. Thompson takes the cup and looks into it a few moments, then turns it up and drinks it.

Immediately he runs to the sink and spits it out.

MR. THOMPSON
What are you trying to do, poison me? That is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

DR. COHEN
Good, I guess it cured you after all.

Dr. Cohen smiles at Mr. Thompson who turns and storms out of the office.

INT. HANNAH'S HOUSE - DAY

Hannah is on the phone to Mr. Thompson.

HANNAH
I heard the new doctor fixed you up.

MR. THOMPSON
What are you talking about, there wasn't anything wrong with me.

HANNAH
Mary said you couldn't taste and the doctor--

MR. THOMPSON
Oh, I made that up...I know that guy's a quack and I intend to prove it.

HANNAH
So...he didn't cure you?

INT. MR. THOMPSON'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Mr. Thompson hangs up and sits staring out the window.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - DAY

SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER

Mr. Thompson reads the same magazine from before while waiting for the doctor. He repeatedly looks at his watch, then to the clock on the wall and finally to the office door.He sighs, then returns to his magazine article...the magazine is upside down.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Dr. Cohen is looking through Mr. Thompson's chart.

DR. COHEN

So, what seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Thompson?

MR. THOMPSON
I can't seem to remember stuff.

The doctor doesn't say a word, just gets up and heads over to a cabinet. He rifles through the jars and vials.

DR. COHEN
What you need is jar number 34.

As Dr. Cohen turns with the jar he sees Mr. Thompson run for the door.

The doctor smiles, takes a whiff of the contents of jar 34 and wrinkles up his face.

DR. COHEN (CONT'D)
Guess I cured you, huh Mr. Thompson?

FADE OUT.
[/scrippet]
 
That was kinda funny. I would've had one more visit though. 1st and 2nd visits by the guy were funny, but the same. If you had an ending visit the was different it would've been better.

The phone conversation isn't really needed. You could've had Mr. Thompson walking around on the street and over hearing 2 different conversations about the doctor being God.

Was the moral of the story the doctor was God? I think if you went that way with it (had Thompson just not trusting other people's word i.e. followers, and not call the doctor a false God (which would imply Thompson himself is a believer)) then it could be improved.
 
jade8472 said:
Nice, this reminds me of a folk tale for some reason.
Click to expand...

Not sure why, though it was adapted from an e-mail joke I received a couple years ago.

Gohanto said:
That was kinda funny. I would've had one more visit though. 1st and 2nd visits by the guy were funny, but the same. If you had an ending visit the was different it would've been better.
Click to expand...

What would be the point of the 3rd visit, what are you thinking should be different? The joke is that the guy uses memory loss as his second ailment and the doctor uses the same "foul tasting" remedy from before, proving the guy does not have memory loss. That's principally the whole joke....so I'm not seeing how I could make a different visit (not saying I shouldn't, or couldn't...just not seeing it right now).

Gohanto said:
The phone conversation isn't really needed. You could've had Mr. Thompson walking around on the street and over hearing 2 different conversations about the doctor being God.
Click to expand...

I considered that, but was trying to keep it kind of brief and keep the locations, and overall cost, to a minimum. But it wouldn't be so hard to change that to overheard conversations. Might even give me a chance to better show that he is upset at the claims of the people regarding the doctor and his desire to prove the doctor to be a quack.

Gohanto said:
Was the moral of the story the doctor was God? I think if you went that way with it (had Thompson just not trusting other people's word i.e. followers, and not call the doctor a false God (which would imply Thompson himself is a believer)) then it could be improved.
Click to expand...

There really isn't a moral...it's a joke, not a fable. Perhaps it was wrong to make a comparison to God. The idea was to play up how much people were raving about this fantastic doctor, but if I change the phone conversation to overheard conversations that might help this situation.

Everything was supposed to be a setup to the joke of the repeated foul-tasting treatment. Perhaps it's not clear enough.

Thanks for the feedback.

Larry
 
Yep, I'd get rid of the God comparisons, etc. If anything else, maybe Mr. Thompson is used to being the big man on campus with the local ladies, and he overhears them talking about not only how incredible this doctor is at healing, cures, etc. ... but good looking to boot!

So, his ego bruised or challenged, maybe that's why he sets out to prove the guy's a fake. Adds a less confusing dimension to the idea, and a little more character/drive to Mr. Thompson on why he wants to see this guy ran out of town.

I don't know ... just a quick thought I had.
 
Clever thought/idea Norm...I will definitely play with that.

Based on some other feedback I received I am planning to expand this out to 10 - 15 pages...hopefully I can better develop the main characters and thus improve the conflict swirling around them :)

Peace,
Larry
 
I'm not convinced you need to make more STORY out of this with a longer script. It's a punch line concept, so short & sweet should do fine. Doesn't take much to add that other dimension.
 
Well the reason I think something more is needed at the end is that jokes should get funnier. I found the new use of the jar just as funny as the first time. Not sure exactly what to do, but it should have something to do with the jar again, only being self aware about it.
Example: Thompson comes in again, saying he can't see. Doctor walks to the jar again. Thompson - "Don't tell me. jar 34?". Doctor - "yes sir". The doctor then throws the jar at him.

OK, probably not a good example, but you get the idea.

It's a joke yes, but a joke can have a moral. I only mentioned it because it seemed like a minor change or two and it would work on two levels at the same time (which is something I always strive for). My opinion though.
 
I enjoyed it.

Short and sweet.

One thing I might do is play the jealousy card a little bit more. Make Thompson a doctor.

I could be rabidly wrong just an idea.
 
thematthewbone - cool, I had the same idea this evening while thinking about this story. Make Mr. Thompson the former town doctor. Now retired, possibly forced to retire and now resentful of the new doctor.

Definitely a cool idea. :thumbsup:
 
You could make him another doctor from the same surgery, and no one ever goes to visit him anymore because of the other doctor fixing everyone and wanting to see him instead you could have a bit at the beginning which shows the surgery with everyone sat on Dr Cohens side and empty chairs on Thompsons side. Maybe the Mary - Hannah conversation could even be between Mary and Mr (Dr) Thompson in the surgery, perhaps she used to be his patient but she wants to use Dr. Cohen now instead. You could then use the Mary - Hannah conversation as the one Dr Thompson overhears later on (as suggested previously).

Also going back to the God issue, I think you need to have that level of town gossip that elevates him above any normal doctor. Change "Miracle Healer" to "Miracle Worker". It's the same thing but more commonly used in conversation. Take out the line about God:


DR. COHEN
I am a doctor. It is my job to heal.

MR. THOMPSON
They speak like you are God, that's
blasphemy. I'll prove it.

DR. COHEN
How are you going to do that?


Example change:

DR. COHEN
Well I am a doctor. It is my job to heal...
So tell me how are you going to prove it?


I liked it and my suggestions are purely cosmetic. I wouldn't worry about making it any longer or adding in any more scenes. It would just be using the same joke again and it would simply be less amusing to the audience the second time round. Keep it short and sweet.
 
I agree with Gohanto, the comedy rule of three might play better here.

Short and sweet works well for me.

These are only suggestions. ;)


HANNAH
(filtered)
You mean the one that Doc Harrison
couldn't make go away?

Replace this with "Yeah?" It smacks of exposition. We get it nicely just from the context of the conversaion.


HANNAH
(filtered)
Everyone knows she's faking that pain...

Shorten this one too, same reason. People don't actually talk this way. Something like, "She's just a faker." or even better, "That faker?"


He sighs, then returns to his magazine
article...the magazine is upside down.

What's up with this? There's no pay off for it other than he's illiterate which doesn't strike me as funny. Keep the God stuff, I like it. Have him reading his bible in the wating room. Plays to a cool theme too, Christians have always been at odds with science. Hell make him the town preacher and add to the punch of it.



DR. COHEN
What you need is jar number 34.

Shot of empty chair, quickly cutting to catch the door closing.

Shot of Dr. Cohen chuckling.

Fade out.


I think the best jokes are the ones where your mind fills in the gap.
 
I was curious about the upside down magazine as well. I liked it, just not sure what you are trying to show here, other than he's not really reading the mag?
 
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