Please critique and give suggestions on comedy script

MalcolmOng

MalcolmOng

Veteran
Hi DVXusers,

I'm currently in pre-preproduction on an absurdist comedy about how an incrimidating msn typo results in unexpected results. However i've big big problems on how to make everything believable. Despite it being an absurdist comedy, i'm still trying to justify the through lines for each of the characters. Anyway, here goes. I have two versions of the plot as it stands.

Version #1

A guy and a girl get off a bus at a bus stop and they turn to walk home, when the girl realises something and passes the guy a pouch which has a project work cd inside. They say goodbye and walk in opposite directions to make for home.

Once at home the guy receives an instant message from the girl over msn messenger, and they have a short conversation. However, at the same time they type that they both need to be away for awhile. However the guy accidentally types 'gimme a sex', rather than 'gimme a sec'. Upon realising his mistake, he desperately tries to make ammends, but just then his power cuts off in a power failure, as he had previously put his handphone to charge on an overloaded power socket.

Desperately, he finds out that the girl had accidentally left her housekey in the pouch she had passed to him, and he decides that the best discourse was to get there before the girl gets back from buying dinner. He thus runs to her place, with great cost to himself along the way(doesnt really advance the plot, more for comedic effect).

When he finally gets to her house, he finds that she's already reached there before he did, and thus read the incrimidating message. Expecting her to be pissed off at him, he flinches, but then shortly after realises that she actually obliged to the typo.

~end~

Version #2

It shares lots in common with version one, but the changes are that the chase scene is shortened alot, and it starts with a conversation where the girl expresses strong anti promiscuousity sentiments.

After the typo is made, while the guy is running to her place, she gets a call from her friend while buying dinner at the food court, and reveals that she's trying to snag a 'cute' guy.

When he finally gets to her place, the ending is the same, except that she's holding a 'C' key from the keyboard.

The ending for this one needs some work but basically I'm gunning for the fact that she planned the entire thing.

Anyway, Please read and give comments and criticisms! Be harsh - I really want to know his this thing will fare.

Thanks alot,
Mal
 
Definitely workable for a short film. I like the first scenario better. If planned and directed well it would be interesting. I think the overloaded power socket is a little much. I think he could be typing and then his internet connection goes down. You show a cable modem with three lights go to one and the little disconnected cable in the bottom right icon. This is the pc version, not sure what a mac display looks like when this happens. His reaction would sell it.

Things that may be in the script but I didn't get from this description are
Do they seem to know each other? Are they in a precursor to a workplace relationship?

Who puts a house key in a pouch? Make it a satchel or something that might have a key in it and your golden.

If they are co-workers I think this could work well if they were in a hotel. The house key gets replaced by a room key and they are in separate hotels so he runs from his to hers. Makes it more of a one night stand feel to it. Not sure that is what you are trying for.

Those are my thoughts. If you liked any of them feel free to use them and pay me $5 per idea used. :)
 
Hey Mal,

After reading the two different outlines, I prefer the first one, as it seems funnier that it wasn't planned and just happened to be one of those "happy coincidences". It would be much more difficult to show that the girl had planned everything. Now, here are some suggestions regarding the first version:

1. The relationship between the two characters needs to be established while they are on the bus. Are these two people friends, or is this their first meeting? Is there any flirtation going on between them on the bus or any sexual tension? Perhaps you can make the guy a nerd and the girl super hot, so the payoff at the end would be that much more rewarding (Though the opposite might be even funnier...really ugly girl all excited to see this guy at her door).

2. How does he know where she lives? If they are friends this is obvious, if not you need to explain this. Perhaps rather than saying goodbye and walking in opposite directions, you should have him walk the girl home, that way we have established that he knows where she lives...that or you could have some kind of address on the project work cd or house key.

3. I think it might be funnier if he didn't have a key to her place. He rushes over there, thinking she isn't home, and starts trying to pry open the window, or jar the door open...finally getting caught. He thinks he is busted on so many levels, but instead she gives him that "sex me up" look.

Anyway, I think you have much potential here for a pretty funny little scenario. The small touches thrown in here and there will either make it or break it. I'd like to see a draft of it when you're done. Good luck with it!
 
Hey thanks alot for the replies, I really appreciate the time taken for you guys to consider my script - thats what i love about dvxuser.

Few points of clarification...Heh, first and foremost they're er..students lol. Classmates - that will be established, and they're gonna be working on a project together. Its quite interesting, as most of the ideas you guys proposed were originally supopsed to be included in the script, however i changed it thinking it would be too unbelievable, thus the inclusion of the key.

@Alex, your idea of an internet disconnecting is interesting, however that would mean that he still has the option of calling her to clarify on her handphone or what not. I decided to go the route of power failure as that would mean that since his cell is out of battery, and his phone line is dead, he has no choice but to get to her place.

I originally changed most of the ideas because I felt it made the plot overtly absurd, but i'm starting to see that its the absurdity that the comedy comes from.
To answer the points about their relationship, I'm going to established that they're both year 10 classmates, and its going to be obvious that the guy has a crush on the girl.

I do have an initial draft in script format, if you want to read it i'll send it to you. However there are some instances of local humor(singaporean) in it...so if you see any strange words like 'k*n*n*', just assume its curses. (this is a family forum, and that phrase is apparently worse than the f bomb...only in chinese dialect. I wouldnt know, my chinese is pitiful)

Mal
 
Would you be open to a building or mounting of problems for the protagonist?

Let's say he writes, "gimme a sex" and his Internet connection fails, while he's panicking and calling his ISP tech support he gets put on hold with really crappy music, he gets the trouble shooter on the line finally he gets the 'Blue Screen of Death', while he re-boots, he has three plug strips in a daisy chain, turns it off and when he turns it on, the fuse blows then and the phone goes dead all in one swift move.

Maybe?

I'd like to see this one too.
 
Well, my reasoning was that if he had phone access, he might as well have called the girl to clarify the error, rather than call the service centre. However, I did put in place an element of snowballing problems during the sequence where he makes his way to the girl's house. In fact, this is probably going to take up the bulk of the film - ie, he first crashes into a policeman causing him to drop his food, gets held up by people pressing for a donation for a non profit organisation, and then he collides with a group of gangsters who chase him, then he accidentally steals a woman's purse due to his armswing(this is probably a bit of a longshot), and eventually his chase leads him back to the policeman he ran into at the start, where after throwing the purse back at the gangsters, he leads them straight to their arrests. (the initial running into the policeman is more of an establishing shot, and for a gag effect)
 
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