first act of my feature dude dudes

etrizz

etrizz

Member
okie dokie, here's the first act of my feature. just wondering what you guys think so far.

checcccck it

i know it's not in proper script format, but that's because i just copied and pasted it. sorry, foolies.

all comments are welcome and appreciated.

smooch.
 
Can you make a PDF with proper formatting? I want to read this, but it's a peeve to read something improperly formatted.
 
sorry, no can do. i don't have PDF on this computer.

i understand how much of an inconvience/annoyance it is to read scripts when they're not in format, but can you try anyway? for me? PLEASE?!
 
Appleworks. i find that for my first drafts that using the ol' tab method keeps my mind flowing; i don't want to be hindered by some program.
 
That's the really remarkable thing about screenwriting software. It doesn't hinder you, quite the contrary, it set you free by removing formatting obstacles and allowing you to concentrate on the writing and not the formatting. :thumbsup:
 
in my opinion, setting the tab marks and clicking tab a couple times really doesn't get in the way of my flow.
 
rainberg said:
RICK<br />
Do you understand what I’m saying, though?<br />
I feel as if I have no control over<br />
my life anymore. I have a wife, kids, and<br />
a nice job, but my life is so redundant<br />
that it almost makes me catatonic, or<br />
make me wish I was. Then I wouldn’t <br />
have to deal with the same old bullshi*<br />
day after day. Nothing new has been<br />
introduced into my life in I don’t know<br />
how long... years probably. But don’t<br />
get me wrong, I love my wife and I <br />
love my kids, but if I don’t change the<br />
way that I’m living I’ll just end up <br />
like my father; old and depressed. But <br />
I’m not the kind of guy who blames his <br />
parents for his own problems. That’s <br />
always a cop out for murderers and<br />
other types of convicts, both of <br />
which do not have anything to do <br />
with me...<br />
<br />
<br />
Rick doesn't need to say this its pointless. we already know this.<br />
<br />
I also don't like the opening seen either.<br />
<br />
You describe loots of pointless things in every seen like "<i>On his plate is a half eaten piece of chicken fried steak, a small mound of mashed potatoes, and a few peas" ...</i>I dont care.<br />
<br />
<br />
I got halfway through then skipped to the end.You cold do evey thing in those pages in less than five pages. The mid-life crisis white man starting a gang thing could be funny, but if this is a comedy then trim down the set up and implement the gang idea a bit better.
Click to expand...



I kind of felt the same way... though I like it overall...

I think there are too much details in the description and I absolutely agree with that piece of dialogue that Rick says... it's redundant.

Other than that, I really like where this is going... you set up the scene and things to come in a few efficient scenes... made me want to know where this is gonna go... which is the most important thing...
 
haha, i wasn't planning on it, but thanks for the compliment.

i'm not the kind of guy to make excuses or anything, so i'll just say "thank you very much" for the feedback, dudes. i appreciate it.
 
I suggest make it flow better. Too many Hes and His

Rick is in his blue sedan stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. He’s sitting completely still. His hands are in the ten-and-two position. The only audible sound is Rick’s self help tape,

edit:
Rick in his blue sedan stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Sitting completely still. Hands in the ten-and-two position. The only audible sound is Rick’s self help tape,..


Sometimes flow works better than folowing strict grammer. All great writers do it. and producers love it.
 
nycfilmmaker said:
I suggest make it flow better. Too many Hes and His

Rick is in his blue sedan stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. He’s sitting completely still. His hands are in the ten-and-two position. The only audible sound is Rick’s self help tape,

edit:
Rick in his blue sedan stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Sitting completely still. Hands in the ten-and-two position. The only audible sound is Rick’s self help tape,..


Sometimes flow works better than folowing strict grammer. All great writers do it. and producers love it.
Click to expand...

Why not just say "Rick is stuck in traffic listening to a self help tape."

I don't know that his car, what color it is, the positioning of his hands, the amount of ambient noise are especially relevant. However I do find the fact that he's listening to a cassette and not a CD interesting. Do they still make car cassette players? I felt like that was the only detail that told me something interesting about Rick.
 
That level of detail is actually a big deal, if you're planning to shop this thing around. Pro writers don't include that much -- you need to tell the story, and only include the details necessary to it. The rest is up to the director, production designer, etc.. Too much detail sends up a "rookie" flag.
 
I like it!
One quick note. I think the car jackers should hold on to that self help tape. Could be kinda funny down the road to find them listening and relating to it.

-Mark
 
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