The Monster of Evergreen Lane

J

jmoschner

Member
Hello,
I hope I'm doing this right. I saw several others start threads for their scripts and thought I'd follow suit.

My entry is tentatively titled "The Monster of Evergreen Lane"

The basic premise is that a guy hits a creature that has been terrorizing his neighbor hood with his car. He then brings it back to his garage for what ends up a very one sided interrogation.

I have no plans to film the script and this is my first fest entry.
 
He hits the creature, but any normal human being would just run over it a few times to make sure it's dead (like what I tried to do with a snake once) so why would there be an interrogation unless the main character is personally/emotionally involved in the actions of said creature?
 
Charli said:
He hits the creature, but any normal human being would just run over it a few times to make sure it's dead (like what I tried to do with a snake once) so why would there be an interrogation unless the main character is personally/emotionally involved in the actions of said creature?
Click to expand...

There are lots of reasons for a person to take something they hit on the road back home. Plus the definition of a "normal human being" varies wildly from place to place.

Not to spoil the actual story, here are a few reasons a person may take the creature back to their place:

  • Panics (He just panics and throws it in the trunk and goes home then things go south. You just assume the guy is doing the questioning)
  • Morbid curiosity (I have friends that would take a monster home)
  • Personal link (Maybe he knows or has some connection to the critter, like it ate his hamster or it did bad things to his grandma)
  • Mistaken identity (He could think it is puppy or a homeless guy until he wipes off the blood back home)
  • Lonely freak job (he could be lonely and just want something to talk to)
  • Trophy (Could want to keep the road kill as a strange souvenir then it wakes up and interrogates him about where it is)
  • Profit (Think how much a live monster could go for on ebay or a tabloid or the black market)
  • It got stuck (maybe the creature got stuck to the car and he had to drive home where he could scrap it off)
  • Car Jacking (maybe the creature just let itself get hit and wants to steal the car but can't drive)
  • Really lonely freak job (The creature is warm, wet, and he has web cam and well...)
  • Animal Lover (does not know it is a monster just thinks it is a strange animal and takes it home to nurse it back to health then things go south)
  • Power (maybe he knows of the creature and the legends that if you skin it and wear the skin you gain its power, but he can't exactly skin it in the middle of the road without a knife)
  • Power 2 (He has to eat it to gain its power so he takes it home and all goes south)
  • Hero (he knows it has been doing the bad stuff so he takes it home to show off the the neighbors)
  • Hard to kill (maybe the creature is like a vampire or were-critter and he needs to kill it a special way so he has to take it home to kill properly).
  • Crime (Perhaps it is a crime to kill the monster because monsters have been labeled an endangered species so he has to kill it at his place to avoid jail time or a fine)
  • It won't let go (the creature is still alive and refuses to let go of the hood so he has to pull into his garage a few feet away to try to get it off)

That's just a few ideas off the top of my head.
 
Holy Crap! You put way too much time into that answer. :)

jmoschner said:
There are lots of reasons for a person to take something they hit on the road back home. Plus the definition of a "normal human being" varies wildly from place to place.

Not to spoil the actual story, here are a few reasons a person may take the creature back to their place:

  • Panics (He just panics and throws it in the trunk and goes home then things go south. You just assume the guy is doing the questioning)
  • Morbid curiosity (I have friends that would take a monster home)
  • Personal link (Maybe he knows or has some connection to the critter, like it ate his hamster or it did bad things to his grandma)
  • Mistaken identity (He could think it is puppy or a homeless guy until he wipes off the blood back home)
  • Lonely freak job (he could be lonely and just want something to talk to)
  • Trophy (Could want to keep the road kill as a strange souvenir then it wakes up and interrogates him about where it is)
  • Profit (Think how much a live monster could go for on ebay or a tabloid or the black market)
  • It got stuck (maybe the creature got stuck to the car and he had to drive home where he could scrap it off)
  • Car Jacking (maybe the creature just let itself get hit and wants to steal the car but can't drive)
  • Really lonely freak job (The creature is warm, wet, and he has web cam and well...)
  • Animal Lover (does not know it is a monster just thinks it is a strange animal and takes it home to nurse it back to health then things go south)
  • Power (maybe he knows of the creature and the legends that if you skin it and wear the skin you gain its power, but he can't exactly skin it in the middle of the road without a knife)
  • Power 2 (He has to eat it to gain its power so he takes it home and all goes south)
  • Hero (he knows it has been doing the bad stuff so he takes it home to show off the the neighbors)
  • Hard to kill (maybe the creature is like a vampire or were-critter and he needs to kill it a special way so he has to take it home to kill properly).
  • Crime (Perhaps it is a crime to kill the monster because monsters have been labeled an endangered species so he has to kill it at his place to avoid jail time or a fine)
  • It won't let go (the creature is still alive and refuses to let go of the hood so he has to pull into his garage a few feet away to try to get it off)

That's just a few ideas off the top of my head.
Click to expand...
 
This was interesting. I'm glad I didn't submit my comedy it was similar. Not sure a monster as a victim fits the rules :) but we don't need no stinkin' rules.

Spoiler alert...


I think the universe you built is interesting, especially the whole monsters living in the neighborhood. So this guy really is the monster. It's an interesting take society norms and what is acceptable and monstrous.
 
Kind of funny, Nice reversal of who's the monster, who isn't. Sort of has a hostel take on the serial killer, mutilation and gore are enjoyable for this man in a world of monsters.

I couldn't really feel sympathetic for the "monster" simply because I didn't know enough about it. Was really just a body to take punishment, however Jake came across as a very sinister type. A few technical/grammar issues but nothing major.
 
Not sure a monster as a victim fits the rules
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It just said it had to have a monster per the definition, and by the definition the human is the monster.

A few technical/grammar issues but nothing major.
Click to expand...
Would have been fewer technical/grammar issues but this was basically just a first draft I churned out in about an hour or so.
Edit: if you want feel free to point out any of the technical errors in case it is something I often overlook but shouldn't.

I contemplated expanding on the "monster" but was afraid that any explanation before hand would ruin the final reveal. Also I'm not sure how much you should sympathize with the kid. He is in essence a horrible kid that may very well be better off dead or at least in jail.



Love the feed back, hope to get more.
 
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Hi Jmoschner, thanks for the read.

I nice 180 on the whole monster victim idea.

There is definately room for improvement on the action and dialogue, you can tell it is an early draft.

I was a little confused at the end:

After a moment the door opens, and what looks to be another
LARGER CREATURE enters. What can only be described as a look
of hope crosses the mutilated monster’s face.
The larger creature makes a series of sounds and the look of
hope fades to hopelessness.
The larger creature peals off its face to reveal Jake. Jake
sits the face on a shelf by the door.
JAKE (cont’d)
That was your mom. She was
wondering if I had seen you. Poor
deluded soul thinks you’re actually
a good kid. Well at least she will
never know what a...oh yeah silly
me...
Jake repeats himself and continues on in the creature’s
tongue.
The fake face sits staring off into nothing as the sounds of​
the circular saw and creature’s demise fill the room.

Is he a human living in a community of monsters, where he disguises himself as one of them, for his own perverse ends?

Overall, a good entertaining script with a refreshing mix. Good work.
 
Thanks for the feedback.
Is he a human living in a community of monsters, where he disguises himself as one of them, for his own perverse ends?
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Sure you can go with that. I was thinking in terms of he is the monster, the strange freaky creature that disguises itself as a normal person outside its lair.
 
jmoschner said:
Thanks for the feedback.


Sure you can go with that. I was thinking in terms of he is the monster, the strange freaky creature that disguises itself as a normal person outside its lair.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I will keep my ending. :grin:
But in all seriousness, I would say the end section was a bit confusing.
 
This reminded me of the classic Twilight Zone where the hot blonde is considered ugly by the pig men... :)

It was pretty clear to me fairly early on that Jake was going to be the monster in this script, but yet it was still a surprise to find that he's (at least the way I understood it) the lone human hiding out in this neighborhood of "inhuman creatures." Like I said, it's a nice Twilight Zone type touch.

I think your dialogue could use some punctuation work, mostly commas in lines like "Ah, good to see you awake" on page 1 or "You know, you really did a number on my windshield" on page 2, just to hit a couple. Also, you mention right at the end of page 2 that "greenish liquid" is oozing from the creature's wounds; I like that, but then on page 3 you just say that "blood" is leaking from the wounds. I presume that the greenish liquid is the creature's blood, but I would have liked to have seen them specifically tied together.

All in all, though, the script works.
 
Thank you for the feedback Captain Pierce. The comma thing is one I've wondered about. Should I use punctuation as is grammatically correct or use commas and periods to indicate the pauses and stops within the dialogue? I've heard different things from different people in the industry.
 
I think most people here are going to tell you that you should be writing your dialogue grammatically correct, as trying to do too much with pauses, dialect, etc, is going to be seen as directing on the page. Or even acting on the page. :)
 
Technical - ... houses are dark... does this mean they are darkly painted or does this mean the street is dimly lit?

All Cap - in human creature. Since you named it inhuman creature, the me to stay consistent so that every time you talk about it it's not the creature but the inhuman creature.

Instead of fade to darkness just fade to black but actually I don't see the need for it.

...darkness paints the interior.... - trying too hard, keep it simple.

What would you describe is primal sounds?

You forgot to introduce JAKE in all caps, who he is and why should we care.

Try to keep your action paragraphs to 4 lines.

...creature afraid of Jake, snarls with hate and fear... Show me don't tell me.

Why is ooze always green? Maybe I want to see some purple, or bright neon pink, I'm just saying.

When you break up dialogue and ended with ... be sure to start the next set up dialogue with ... to show continuation of speech.

Content - you deftly get a feel that the monsters not the creature but the man which is an excellent job in having us empathize with the monster. I do not like all of the dialogue I think in some ways it's a bit flippant when it can be more witty and more to the point.

Good job.
 
You sure as hell are successful in making Jake a monster of the worst kind. This naturally creates some sympathizing with the other fellow. Still I think the victim could have used some more information for us. The character now feels more as a tool.

The torture seemed pretty painful and cruel so that pretty much worked like it should.

Some parts of the dialog could be better. Got a good sense of the style of dialog for the Jake character though which I liked.

I was a bit confused by the last part. Didn't really know what to make of it.

Overall it felt to me a bit too much centered on the cruel torture stuff. As a result I didn't really enjoy continue reading it after a couple of pages in and evil Jake being the only character to really leave a mark on the script didn't help with that.

I think the best improvement would be creating a better balance between the torture stuff and the rest.
 
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