Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
A long time ago, I considered making this for Monsterfest. But since I can't, might as well share it with you fine people.
OCTOBER NOVEMBER DISMEMBER - A Script By Ben Sliker
- Thread starter Ben Sliker
- Start date
A long time ago, I considered making this for Monsterfest. But since I can't, might as well share it with you fine people.
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
i have to give credit where credit is due. The title is all Joe Johnson. He's the best at coming up with ridiculous combinations of words.
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
uploaded! enjoy!
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
ugh ... caught a typo ... Page 4. 3rd Paragraph. Should be "hear Brian" not "hear Jesse".
kennethhurd
Well-known member
Your characters are lively and entertaining! I liked how you started with the news broadcast to set things up. Your story flows well, but I felt that the conversation between the band members lasted too long. I felt that the action could have started up sooner. Since you still have an extra page, maybe you could add in cut away shots of the zombie outbreak during the band's conversation? This could add a bit more atmosphere into the short. Are you planning on shooting this script for MonsterFest? I'd love to see the final film.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi Ben, I enjoyed the read, thanks.
I like the new perspective of a zombie attack and reminds me of the solution in Mars Attacks. I liked the typical band member character personalities.
What happened to Brian, he was getting eaten and then he was playing in the band, unless he was dead??? I'm sure if a zombie was eating my neck I would scream like a girl!
I feel this needs more, you set the world and then we are confined in this world. You also need to decide which way to take it, comedy or drama, I couldn't decide which one you were going for.
Overall, an interesting take on the zombie genre. Well done.
I like the new perspective of a zombie attack and reminds me of the solution in Mars Attacks. I liked the typical band member character personalities.
What happened to Brian, he was getting eaten and then he was playing in the band, unless he was dead??? I'm sure if a zombie was eating my neck I would scream like a girl!
I feel this needs more, you set the world and then we are confined in this world. You also need to decide which way to take it, comedy or drama, I couldn't decide which one you were going for.
Overall, an interesting take on the zombie genre. Well done.
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
kenneth, thanks for the comments. I guess I really never thought about it that way. Since originally I was going to try and shoot this, I wrote a 'within my means to shoot' script. Never took a second 'i can do whatever i want' pass at it!
Joe had the suggestion that they should have strapped giant speakers to the side of a truck and slowly drove down the street, rocking out/blowing up zombies, but I thought it was a little too 'Mars Attacks'. Then at the same time, I don't really think the story is about the zombie attack, more about these three losers finding their true calling.
Thanks again for the read.
haha, another Mars Attacks reference. I swear I wasn't thinking about that movie when I wrote this. In hindsight, I think my script is lacking some detail. All the stuff that I would have had in storyboards and the like, but not in my script. I imagined Brian to be holding a cloth or something up to his neck and then his bass in the other. I guess replace "scream like a girl" with Brian "screams with ridiculously high-pitched voice." and oops, another detail I missed. I assume Brian would also push the zombie off him, just as Miles would. Man ... this is so much easier to do visually ...
It's a full blown comedy. Any 'dramatic' lines should be read as if the characters take themselves too seriously. I really think that would be a performance element.
Again, I wrote this based on the means that I had to shoot it. The nice thing about a movie about a garage band is that the only set you need is a garage. I also thought it was neat that only AFTER they discover their zombie killing ability, do they make their way out of the garage.
Well, now i'm rambling... thanks for the read.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Man I was going to suggest having the band on a truck bed with the speakers blaring. I watched Mars attacks and can't remember the ending at all, well except for the exploding heads. Fun Read!
MrKilloran
Well-known member
I really enjoyed it. Reminded me a lot of Wild Zero and I also got a Mars Attacks vibe like some others have, it's fairly similar but has its own personal touch of finesse. It's simple but effective.
This was funny, I really enjoyed the dialogue exchanged between the three band members, it flows well and feels natural. Especially funny in the midst of uncertain demise Miles and Jesse argue about the right solo from War Pigs.
What's gonna happen to Brian, did their hard-rocking stop the virus from spreading into his body or is he gonna turn into a zombie (yet still able to play bass)?
This was funny, I really enjoyed the dialogue exchanged between the three band members, it flows well and feels natural. Especially funny in the midst of uncertain demise Miles and Jesse argue about the right solo from War Pigs.
What's gonna happen to Brian, did their hard-rocking stop the virus from spreading into his body or is he gonna turn into a zombie (yet still able to play bass)?
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
haha, yeah, Brian will be able to keep the virus from spreading as long as he rocks. awesome idea! perhaps epic metal also has healing power.
Captain Pierce
Veteran
I think that really says everything that needs to be said about this script. Well done.
Well, one minor nitpick: the Reporter says that the zombies are slow, but yet they're able to get under the garage door before it closes?
mookid
Member
That was a straightforward and quick read. It would even be entertaining without the zombies because you can just lean back and watch the idiots having a stupid discussion.
For some reason I was reminded of Lucas Arts' point and click adventures. Maybe it had to do with the sparsity of stage directions or because the dialogue resembled Tim Schafer's style, but I saw this short in 16 bit EGA colors and SCUMM-interface.
minor detail:
Overall one of the strongest and most distinct scripts of the contest. Thx for the entertaining read.
For some reason I was reminded of Lucas Arts' point and click adventures. Maybe it had to do with the sparsity of stage directions or because the dialogue resembled Tim Schafer's style, but I saw this short in 16 bit EGA colors and SCUMM-interface.
minor detail:
This action line stood out for me because everything else was written as a real time description in present tense. Suddenly you switched to present perfect, changing the narrative mode of the story for no apparent reason.
Overall one of the strongest and most distinct scripts of the contest. Thx for the entertaining read.
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
I think that really says everything that needs to be said about this script. Well done.
Well, one minor nitpick: the Reporter says that the zombies are slow, but yet they're able to get under the garage door before it closes?
thanks for the read. I thought there was some HUGE opportunity for comedy with the garage door, cause I don't know about yours, but mine takes FOREVER to close.
If I were to shoot it, when the garage door opens, I would have multiple "surprise look on my face" shots and then back to the garage door being maybe a 1/3 of the way open. And then, of course, the zombies, even though they are slow, being able to make it underneath the door because it closes so slowly. funnier now?
Ben Sliker
Pain In The Ass 2.0
haha, point and click adventures, awesome reference.
thanks for the pick-up on the tense change. I used to be MISERABLE at this so I need people to bop me on the head when I do it. I have to remember that everything is happenening in the now and I need to write it that way. THANKS!!!
Captain Pierce
Veteran
That makes sense.
arroway
Well-known member
Awesome...
Great gag.
"Start to" is almost never needed and almost always reduces the impact of the action that's starting. I think even the word "slowly" lessons the power of this line.
lololol
???
So this is basically a zombified Mars Attacks!
I think it suffers from the same thing a lot of the other entries did: didn't end on a bang. People can make whatever artistic excuses they want but the fact is the successful, viral, shorts end with a twist or reversal of some kind. I think that's what this needs. What that twist or reversal would be I don't know.
Apart from that, I think this had the best title and dialog of the fest. You have a knack for crafting different sounding voices.