JimtheJib- JOHN AND GUSTAV- Alexander Lewis
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penfever
Well-known member
The 1st to post, as often.
Not crazy about this one - there was just too much voice-over. I really think it's important to tell a story with a mixture of devices. Voice-over's a tempting tool, no doubt, but it creates a certain atmosphere of distance and indifference. This kind of atmosphere has to be carefully planned around and backed up with the shot style, composition and everything else - otherwise, it doesn't hang together as a unit.
For the next fest, I suggest you challenge yourself to get better actors, a more experienced unit, and try to branch out a little bit. I think the core - desire and good ideas - is definitely there. Just don't take the easy way out, especially when casting.
Keep shooting, and good luck.
Not crazy about this one - there was just too much voice-over. I really think it's important to tell a story with a mixture of devices. Voice-over's a tempting tool, no doubt, but it creates a certain atmosphere of distance and indifference. This kind of atmosphere has to be carefully planned around and backed up with the shot style, composition and everything else - otherwise, it doesn't hang together as a unit.
For the next fest, I suggest you challenge yourself to get better actors, a more experienced unit, and try to branch out a little bit. I think the core - desire and good ideas - is definitely there. Just don't take the easy way out, especially when casting.
Keep shooting, and good luck.
Shaun Patrick
Well-known member
penfever said:
I'll echo penfever's comments here. There is a lot of potential here in terms of the story/concept but the actor's are way too young to pull this off. It's almost like they're "playing" office. It's just not realistic.
You're based in the NYC, right? I've had great luck on Craigslist when casting actors. There definitely might not be the same actor to normal person ratio in NYC as there is in LA but there are definitelty a lot of good actors in the city willing to work for food.
In terms of the VO, I didn't mind it. The majority of the shorts in this contest seem to use VO in one or another so I guess I'm used to it. With that said, I think VO can often be an "easy way out" structural device but your writing was sharp so it worked.
Anyway, good job.
Shaun Patrick
Well-known member
JimtheJib said:
There is no film in this fest that is perfect. Everyone made mistakes. I just wanted to stress to you that your film shows a lot promise.
Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
Your concept was interesting but you would have been better served to write it around something that would have been more apropos to your actors' ages. It's nice that you aspired to something more, but it just kind of blew the illusion with actors so young portraying older "business" people. With that said, keep shooting and you will find your "groove."
Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
Well, you could have used a little light on the face of your subject in the beginning. Because of the light coming in through the window behind him it's hard to see his face and get a read on him. I liked the shot of Gustav, through the crack in the cubicle. You had some good framing. ( The John character looks like an older, thinner version of the kid on Two and a Half Men) The whole tie thing had an opportunity to be interesting but his expression just didn't change that much. I don't wonder John's productivity has fallen, he spends all his time watching Gustav. It really is hard to suspend my disbelief, though. You have a lot of good shots and I think with the right cast you could have pulled this off.JimtheJib said:
Kaz
Well-known member
I thought this was pretty good. I agree with others that most of the actors were too young for their respective parts. Definitely needed more light in places but overall I enjoyed it.
One thing that completely threw me for a loop:
The boy that tells him he needs to make a decision on his future looks EXACTLY like Natalie Portman!
Freaky...
One thing that completely threw me for a loop:
The boy that tells him he needs to make a decision on his future looks EXACTLY like Natalie Portman!
Freaky...
Norm Sanders
Script Wrangler
This came across to me as OFFICE SPACE meets SNL's AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO. Why, you might ask? Well, the OFFICE SPACE part is obvious, but I was distracted and/or disturbed with WHY the lead would sit there & stare at this guy so much, paying attention to what he wears, caring so much about the kinds of shoes he wears with the three white stripes, etc.
But, then we realize it's an experiment of somekind the office has created, so there's my answer.
Actors were obviously too young, and the setting could have been punched up more & brought to life with better lighting ... especially in the bosses office, where there appeared to be almost zero lighting.
The script needed work, in my opinion. Beyond just the constant VO thing, which bugs some (doesn't bother me so much), I just found the dialogue somewhat tiring/mudane, and wanted it to move on.
I apologize if this comes off as harsh, hopefully it's more constructive, which is the intent. On the flip side, you're a young group of guys that saw a goal & pushed all the way through to the finish, which I'm envious of. I WISH so badly I'd started doing this stuff at your age, instead of the over-the-hill 33 that I am now.
But, then we realize it's an experiment of somekind the office has created, so there's my answer.
Actors were obviously too young, and the setting could have been punched up more & brought to life with better lighting ... especially in the bosses office, where there appeared to be almost zero lighting.
The script needed work, in my opinion. Beyond just the constant VO thing, which bugs some (doesn't bother me so much), I just found the dialogue somewhat tiring/mudane, and wanted it to move on.
I apologize if this comes off as harsh, hopefully it's more constructive, which is the intent. On the flip side, you're a young group of guys that saw a goal & pushed all the way through to the finish, which I'm envious of. I WISH so badly I'd started doing this stuff at your age, instead of the over-the-hill 33 that I am now.
Envision said:
the script is part of a larger one that i'm just playing around with. i took this one scene out of the bigger one but in order for it to make sense i needed to add VO.
i tried to make the dialogue mondane and tiring to reflect john's feelings. maybe i went overboard but i was aiming for that feel..
EditPhish
Well-known member
I don't want to repeat too much of what others said... I think we've all agreed the actors were too young to pull this off (what would have been bad about taking this story's concept inside a school rather than an office?)
The intro started good... but the lighting was obviously an issue for you -- too much light behind him, not enough on his face. I did like some of your shots, like when we see Gustav over the should of John, from the cubicle to the office.
Your voiceover sounded very hollow, almost like it was coming through a transister radio. Music was okay, but obvious (at least to me) you were using Apple Loops... be careful with those, they become very recognizable very fast and can take away the uniqueness of your project.
I did feel the ending felt forced... almost like you had to reach to make this film fit the sci-fi theme.
It did hold my interest throughout, which not every film here did, so that's a good thing
Thanks for sharing it with all of us!
The intro started good... but the lighting was obviously an issue for you -- too much light behind him, not enough on his face. I did like some of your shots, like when we see Gustav over the should of John, from the cubicle to the office.
Your voiceover sounded very hollow, almost like it was coming through a transister radio. Music was okay, but obvious (at least to me) you were using Apple Loops... be careful with those, they become very recognizable very fast and can take away the uniqueness of your project.
I did feel the ending felt forced... almost like you had to reach to make this film fit the sci-fi theme.
It did hold my interest throughout, which not every film here did, so that's a good thing
Thanks for sharing it with all of us!
thanks editphish. some really helpfull comments. im glad you enjoyed it.
i hve to work on lighting in the future. one problem i encountered while shooting was
1. it was difficult to control or avoid the light coming in from the windows because of the way this office was set up.
2. on the first day one of the lights broke. on the second day the second light broke.
do you have any suggestions for problem number one (for future reference)?
i'll steer clear next time. but do you think it helped in setting mood regardless?
how could one avoid this? maybe its the compression? i used a microphone hooked up to and md player... could that be it?
thanks again.
i hve to work on lighting in the future. one problem i encountered while shooting was
1. it was difficult to control or avoid the light coming in from the windows because of the way this office was set up.
2. on the first day one of the lights broke. on the second day the second light broke.
do you have any suggestions for problem number one (for future reference)?
EditPhish said:
i'll steer clear next time. but do you think it helped in setting mood regardless?
EditPhish said:
how could one avoid this? maybe its the compression? i used a microphone hooked up to and md player... could that be it?
thanks again.
EditPhish
Well-known member
Put tint on the outside of the windows temporarily... or put curtains up... or set up something to create shadows outside the window... even if someone stands out there with a large piece of foamcore board (out of view obviously) -- And light the foreground more to balance.
The music always helps set the mood, and I don't think your choices themselves were necessarily bad. For me it was a little distracting because they are loops I've used myself in home-movie type stuff!
As for the voice-over... get a really good mic... they really do make all the difference. Make sure not to compress too much. EQ if you need to in the mix.
The music always helps set the mood, and I don't think your choices themselves were necessarily bad. For me it was a little distracting because they are loops I've used myself in home-movie type stuff!
As for the voice-over... get a really good mic... they really do make all the difference. Make sure not to compress too much. EQ if you need to in the mix.