In the Family - Chris Keaton

Ew. This script is kind of disturbing and questions the limits of morality and ethics.

Is "mama" a captive, captor, or just kind of kinky :grin:?

The barn scene is the only real detraction from the script, it needs to be tightened up and paced differently as it feels out of place and the flashback to the barn, happening only a few minutes before, seems unnecessary.

Good use of dialogue, very descriptive portrait of things - one of the best:
Their lumpy shapes under their clothes suggest more hidden impairments.
Click to expand...
Ends on a pretty twisted note, that final mutated image of the "happy family", great work.
 
Well written story. Interesting ahem....ending.

Confused by small things here and there they could be cleared up easily.

Would drop Roy's line "Ugh, the backwoods." - just show that he looks less than happy to be where he is.

A couple of fragmented sentences, work OK but stick out and harm the flow.
"He wears a hooded sweatshirt. He watches Roy pass." Few more examples of these throughout. I do it myself and try hard to avoid as they effect how other people read.


a naked PA - Did you mean PA like father?

Not sure the flashback on page six was needed.

Didn't like the line "You are...A...I can’t believe I’m saying this but...You are right there...You’re an alien." - don't think he would say Can't believe I'm saying this considering the situation. He would be bricking it and panicking.

Page 7 you mention the same room - INT. BASEMENT – DAY that we were already in (was a flashback removed here?)

This works as a tongue in cheek sort of "Slither" comedy/horror. But I would aim for more laughs and more pages. Needs more room to set up the tension.

Not sure how people would react to the ending when viewed as a visual piece rather than read. But hey look at True Blood on TV.....
 
I was confused about PA too. Maybe PAPA instead?

Chris. I like how your mind goes to those "forbidden zones". It was well written, 'cept for a little extra fluff in the barn, and the pacing was good overall. I would agree with others that felt like the beginning didn't have much to do with the end. Other than establishing him as a doctor in the po-dunks, what purpose does it serve?

If you only read the dialog, there's not much there. Maybe a little more balance of storytelling between the dialog and description would make it a more interesting read, and get us into the characters' minds a bit more. Right now, the plot feels forced upon the characters. IMO, it should be the characters that pull the plot along behind them, based on 'who they are'.

Overall- I liked the ideas and 90% of the execution, but wanted a more solid story. Loved the sick and twisted aspects of it. Rock on! I know you will.
 
I have learned not to submit your first draft. If only I knew we were going to have a few extra days. :zombie_smiley:
 
That's quite good for a first draft. You should see mine. It looks like a pile of mama slug crap on tuesday after eating 12 macho burritos monday night.
 
This really reminds of the BBC show "Torchwood;" not in an "Oh, you're totally ripping that off" way, I should say, just in a "Wow, this dude is really doing a weird thing with aliens here" way. The "plight" of Momma briefly reminded me of a Torchwood episode where an alien was being held captive; you quickly took it in a different direction--although a direction that wouldn't be out of place on Torchwood.

I wonder, though, if it isn't a little cliched to make Jasper (and his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl :) ) such obvious hillbillies. I mean, it works on some level, as Roy is proven to be no more resistant to Momma's charms than the "backwoods" folk that he's so disdainful of; and it does make things easier in a short script to use a familiar stereotype as to avoid spending valuable time on developing minor characters. (And it does set you up for a nice "Deliverance" reference. :D )

I find it a little odd that you have "Momma" and "Pa" as the names of Jasper's parents. Personally, I usually associate "Momma" with "Papa" and "Pa" with "Ma." Now, I can see that perhaps you meant this as a subtle hint that they are not of the same species, or I could be reading too much into that.

Interesting concept, executed well.
 
Technical - introducing the brothers from the beginning should be capped: TWO BROTHERS. You capped "mutant" after the fact.

jibber-jabber almost made me think of zombie or cartoonish characters. I would have liked something stronger.

You could emphasize

No escape.

by placing it all alone in a line. We'd 'feel' it more.

Cap 'driver's license' because it's important in identifying the victim.

I would rather that you would have distinguished the two mutant brothers instead of mutant 1 and mutant 2, makes it so impersonal.

You're in the INT. KIDNAPPER'S HOUSE - but you failed to mention where? Living room, foyer, dining room, unless it's a one-room house, which it's probably not because it has a basement, take us 'through' so we can feel the pacing of this entrapment.

How do we 'know' that Pa is dead for days? Is it because he's decomposing? Show us, don't tell.

Content - the story held interest but it wasn't told in such a way that you 'walked me through' the story. I felt rushed into the story. Banging the slug was funky and baby addition was funky too.

Instead of monster story I'm thinking this is an alien themed story, which again, Capt Pierce will esplain to me it's still a monster, but felt more sci-fi than monsterish.

It was however a 'creature' but I would like more visualization of the brothers to show more of their character, show me more of the family than just the face value.

Good job overall with the slug-banging-baby-making twist.
 
Hi there... *falls on knees* CHRRIIIISSSSSSS or KHAAAN!!!!

I think its deffo worth considering cleaning up the script a bit - (call it housekeeping) its among the most interesting and original of the entries (I preferred it over Lovecraft and your Slave Moon. In fact each have shown imo improvement - and i say that as a humble learning artist myself.)

From a Producer's standpoint its quite a demanding short costume/fx wise, but it could find a taker somewhere. Personally i like the zany quality of the script.

I gotta say personally i loved the jibber jabber line - it is camp but deliciously so imo, fitting with a dark comedic sentiment. An interesting example of how certain wordage can help convey a mood for your script quite subtly.
 
Thanks Lawrie. I believe I have better figured out what type of script performs well for this audience. Unfortunately you sometimes don't know how a contest's audience will respond before hand. But if that contest uses the same judges overtime you can see a trend. That's why I don't enter some of the biggies, because my style just won't play, so why pay.

Thanks everyone for your feedback.
 
Hmm i know what u mean, i just made an example of that in Charli's thread, discussing how Red Rope was written in a style that dropped like a lead balloon (for pulpfest) - it made brandon cry hehe - while Covenant for Westfest was written far more with an awareness to of the fest audience.

Yeah i'd be wary about putting any 'babies' as it were in the fest.
 
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