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Can someone please look at a treatment?

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    Can someone please look at a treatment?

    Ok so this was written by a friend of mine and I don't really know what to say about it. It seems like a good idea but its missing something. I'm not very good at giving advice and he keeps on at me to get it done.

    I like the whole premise of it but I don't know if it works or not. PLEASE HELP ME PUT INTO WORDS WHAT I'M THINKING!!


    Cheers



    Leona has fallen on hard times. Her vindictive boss Valeria has taken away her job, her fiancé and ruined her life in the process. But what the bitch wasn’t expecting was retaliation.

    Careful planning and emotional detachment means that Leona is on a plane to Mexico hours before the body is found. She’s checked into a hotel and is recovering from jet lag before Detective Jacobs has even been told he’s got a brand new homicide case to deal with. Starting a new life is easy if you plan it right. Or so it would seem.

    In a local bar, Leona befriends bar maid Rosa, who warns her about the state of the gang activity and how much danger she could be putting herself in just by being in Mexico. All of Rosa’s suspicions are confirmed when she has to save Leona from a new young gang lead by Marco, a psychotic adolescent intent on making his mark on Mexico City. With her first impressions of Mexico tainted by the attack, Leona spends her first night in peace on Rosa’s couch.

    Meanwhile, after a hasty and desperate attempt to salvage her career, Detective Jacobs’ supervisor has decided that the best way to catch the escapee murderer is to send Jacobs’ out to Mexico to try and reason with her. Armed with a deal and no jurisdiction, Jacobs’ leaves his pathetic life in England to try and bring home the woman who’s making the tabloid headlines.

    Having the day to themselves, Leona and Rosa plan on taking a tour of the place Leona will be calling home for a while, stopping for plenty of drinks and spending money that doesn’t belong to them. Unknown to them, Jacobs is just arriving in Mexico and has tracked her down to the crappy hotel she’s no longer staying in. After a close encounter, Leona sneaks out all of her belongings from the hotel and the girls go back to their original plans, having a wild and wonderful day in the markets.

    Rosa and Leona arrive back at Rosa’s bedsit just in time for Rosa’s next shift. As she takes her clothes off to put her work clothes on, Leona notices the scars covering her body, and realises that Rosa may once have been more connected to this local gang than she’s letting on. Feeling like she hasn’t had enough to drink, Leona turns up at Rosa’s bar, where she meets her rather flirtatious brother Luko. Whilst Leona is reeling in her first catch, hoping to be sharing a bed rather than sleeping on a lumpy sofa, Jacobs turns up and really puts a spanner in the works.

    Being British and not meaning to be rude, Leona introduces herself and makes it very clear that she knows the situation and will not be bullied into returning to a life in prison. Rosa makes sure she hears every word of this conversation in order to make sure neither of them get into any more trouble, but she likes what she hears and informs Leona of her plans to get rid of Marco for good.

    Leona is invited to a club down the road with Luko and his pals and agrees to meet Rosa there later to put her plan into action. Leona has second thoughts about what she’s about to do, but she knows that she needs to survive and she’s not in England any more. There is no other way. Her train of thought is rudely interrupted by a very drunk Detective Jacobs who proceeds to tell her all about his troubles at home. She sees him more as a person, rather than law enforcement and she can sympathise with his story. The heat of the moment takes them and they kiss briefly. Leona is distracted from their moment by Marco’s presence watching them. As this could be her only chance, she leaves Jacobs on the floor and storms across to Marco, armed with a knife. He walks towards her and fumbles with his gun in his back pocket. As he struggles, Leona advances on him, getting faster and faster, reaching him before he has a chance to defend himself.

    Marco sinks to the floor with a knife embedded in his stomach.

    Luko and Marco come running over, and Rosa steps out of the shadows. It’s decided that Jacobs should stay with Luko, whilst Leona and Rosa flee with the bloodied knife, narrowly avoiding another conflict with the angry young men wanting to avenge Marco’s death.

    Leona and Rosa stay up all night, unable to sleep or talk. Just silence, smoke and the stench of gin fill the air. As the sun starts to rise, a loud knock at the door shocks the girls out of their drunken stupor. Luko and Jacobs walk in looking worse for wear. The group soon break out in an argument about the events of the night before and it seems to be the world versus Luko. He leaves with a threat to Leona, and a slam of the door. Rosa heads to bed, whilst Leona gets ready to go out and have coffee with Jacobs.

    In the coffee shop, the pair talk about the kiss last night, and how things have changed since Jacobs got to know Leona. Jacobs knows he’s got nothing left back home for him, he doesn’t know whether it’s the right choice to go with her but he is more than willing to take the risk. They head back to Rosa’s, fearful that she’s been on her own too long and once they’re satisfied they’re all safe, they share the tiny sofa to finally get some sleep.

    That evening, Rosa is leaving for work and wakes Leona to say goodbye. After she’s left, Leona has a brain wave, and packs up everything Rosa own as well as her own stuff. She got her into this mess so she’s responsible for getting her out. Jacob’s wakes up whilst Leona is out taking what she can from Valeria’s bank account to finance their little excursion. When she returns, she explains her idea and they head to the hotel to pick up his stuff too.

    Parking the Rosa’s car around the back of the bar, they go in and tell her to drop everything and leave with them. Rosa is ecstatic and everything is looking up for her, until she gets a bullet to the brain saving Leona’s life. One of Marco’s gunmen shoots aiming for Leona, but Rosa gets caught in the cross fire. At least she died happy.

    Jacob’s rushes Leona out the back door and into the car. They escape without harm and head to a motel. The pair are devastated by the loss of a good friend and spend most of the night in mourning. The next day they head out on to the open road, no plan, no map just freedom. They come across a tiny poverty stricken village and donate most of Rosa’s food, bedding, clothes and other belongings that they no longer need, but that will benefit the community. Meanwhile, Luko rushes past police officers into the bar and cradles the body of his dead sister. The look on his face suggests that this isn’t the last the runaway couple will see of him.
    Last edited by Bparry26; 06-20-2014, 09:49 AM.

    #2
    I want to read this, but Im having trouble getting through it.


    Can he divide it into sequences with titles? May help him focus the story and will help others to actually read it


    I mean, this is not really an effective presentation of a treatment.


    have him do like this:

    link may not work right, Im trying to show you the "godzilla" treatment in the center of the page here:

    http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp....GODZILLA.html
    Be wary, my pre-2014 posts are full of arrogant dogmatizing. Little older and wiser now.

    "Noone is as arrogant as a beginner"
    -Someone

    "The foundation of film art is editing"
    - V.I. Pudovkin

    -Cinema is closer to language than it is to painting"
    - Sergei Eisenstein

    Comment


      #3
      Haha yeah no. This is me copy and pasting badly. but over all I just feel like it needs something else and I can't pin point what it is

      Comment


        #4
        well the main thing that jumps out to me is that theres no characters.


        sorry to be a wise guy but its true.


        None of teh characters have much character. Things should happen because of the characters..er...character, not just events invented to make up a plot.
        She just kills her boss, no reason (character) set up before the fact . She befriends Rosa (why? how? no reason...how did her character and/or rosas make that happen?)


        taxi driver it aint


        does have lot of "trouble" going on though, thats nice, but it's lacking a logical throughline (again, a character driving the action as opposed to a list of stuff happening)



        The main skill your friend has to learn is to invent larger-than life characters and then let THEM create the plot based on who they are.


        Right now its just a list of events, all plot no character.


        See how all the trouble here is created by the character and who he is:

        sorry to lecture

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLpMx8_TYOo
        Last edited by nycineaste; 06-20-2014, 06:55 PM.
        Be wary, my pre-2014 posts are full of arrogant dogmatizing. Little older and wiser now.

        "Noone is as arrogant as a beginner"
        -Someone

        "The foundation of film art is editing"
        - V.I. Pudovkin

        -Cinema is closer to language than it is to painting"
        - Sergei Eisenstein

        Comment


          #5
          NYC nails it: all events but no characters and no emotions. When I read a treatment I want to be swept up into the life of the protagonist and live the adventure vicariously. But here it's stiff and mechanical writing with no *feelings*, and I don't care about Leona or anyone else.

          The other element, which may be connected, is that the story itself is rather dull and mechanical. No hook and no scenes that amaze me. No spark of imagination.

          Take us on the adventure with your character, take us inside their lives so that what happens to them is happening to us. Be subjective instead of objective.
          http://www.scriptsecrets.net

          Comment

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