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    I'm writing the beginning pages of a romance/thriller....What are people's thoughts?
    #1
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    I'm beginning to write (and will direct) a romance/thriller that's set in 1865 and that's centered around two people - Christopher Collins and Thisbe Riverton and how they both suffer the wrath of a horrific voodoo curse placed upon them by Thisbe's family in an act of their rage over Thisbe and Christopher being together. I've only written fourteen pages so far but it would help to get people's thoughts on it. I have attached it here:

    Untitled.pdf


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    #2
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    Is this for an eventual submission to the powers-at-be or for your own project?


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    #3
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    Now my reply button is working! lol


    Anyway yes this is a script for a project I plan to direct/fund myself as an independent filmmaker.


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    The reason I asked is because a pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.

    You don't need to spend time polishing it for yourself.

    As to action scenes - have you ever seen "Stalingrad"?


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    #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by DLD View Post
    The reason I asked is because a pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.

    You don't need to spend time polishing it for yourself.

    As to action scenes - have you ever seen "Stalingrad"?


    "A pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.".....Ok so I'm a little thick right now, is that a - good thing or a compliment?

    and no, I have never seen Stalingrad.


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    Quote Originally Posted by luke_Miller View Post
    "A pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.".....Ok so I'm a little thick right now, is that a - good thing or a compliment? ...
    Sorry, not a compliment.

    A paid Hollywood action screenwriter usually offers a top notch prose as his description of the scenes and action. At least, at the very beginning.

    This is the opening of the "Blade Runner" by Hampton Fancher and David Webb Peoples.


    FADE IN:

    EXT. HADES - DUSK

    We are MOVING TOWARD the Tyrell Corporation across a
    vast plain of industrialization, menacing shapes on the
    horizon, stacks belching flames five hundred feet into
    the sky the color of cigar ash. The CAMERA MOVES INTO
    a window in the large pyramid-shaped building. A man
    is sitting at a table. Another man enters the room and
    sits down. The following scene is reflected in the eye
    until HOLDEN is seated.


    INT. TYRELL CORPORATION INTERROGATION ROOM - DUSK

    The eye is magnified and deeply revealed. Flecks of
    green and yellow in a field of milky blue. Icy fila-
    ments surround the undulating center.

    The eye is brown in a tiny screen. On the metallic
    surface below, the words VOIGHT-KAMPFF are finely
    etched. There's a touch-light panel across the top
    and on the side of the screen, a dial that registers
    fluctuation of the iris.

    The instrument is no bigger than a music box and sits
    on a table between two men. The man talking is big,
    looks like an overstuffed kid. LEON it says on his
    breast pocket. He's dressed in a warehouseman's uni-
    form and his pudgy hands are folded expectantly in his
    lap. Despite the obvious heat, he looks very cool.

    The man facing him is lean, hollow-cheeked, and dressed
    in grey. Detached and efficient, he looks like a cop
    or an accountant. His name is Holden and he's all
    business, except for the sweat on his face.

    The room is large and humid. Rows of salvaged junk
    are stacked neatly against the walls. Two large FANS
    WHIRR above their heads.




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    See now I thought it was supposed to be much the opposite, leaving out anything camera/shot-related and keeping it strictly dialogue and bare bones descriptions (just enough for clarity). Maybe it depends on who wrote the script (i.e someone hired to write a script for specific project vs some rando trying to sell a script he wrote on his own).


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    Quote Originally Posted by Josh Bass View Post
    See now I thought it was supposed to be much the opposite, leaving out anything camera/shot-related and keeping it strictly dialogue and bare bones descriptions (just enough for clarity). Maybe it depends on who wrote the script (i.e someone hired to write a script for specific project vs some rando trying to sell a script he wrote on his own).
    I'm totally with you. I write my own scripts so I include all the camera movements/angles that I'm going to shoot as a reference, since I'm the one that's going to be shooting it anyway. I call it my "shooting script". But everywhere I've read about script writing, and the critiques I've seen ppl giving other ppl on their scripts, ppl that have camera angles, compositions, shot types, etc in their scripts ALWAYS get the worst feedback. I've read more than enough times where ppl say leave out any shot types and/or camera shot information out of your script because that's the directors job to come up with that; unless it very vital to the script.


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    #9
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    I think that's the key though. . .in the post with that exerpt it says "a paid Hollywood screenwriter". So I'm assuming if someone's like "Hey! Write us a script for Spiderman 63", that's when you use that style.


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    #10
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    What would you like to get feedback on? You didn't say. Practicalities of shooting this? How good the idea is? How good the execution of the idea is? How viable it is as subject matter these days? And so on. As an example, to take the last question: this is going to be highly political - interracial romance set right after the Civil War - are you in a position to do that... I can't say much more about that, because we have a rule on dvxuser of not discussing politics, but roughly, this might get a different reception, depending on your own background, sorry - it may be OK to tackle it, or it may be very, very risky.


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