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    #11
    Script Wrangler Norm Sanders's Avatar
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    This came across to me as OFFICE SPACE meets SNL's AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO. Why, you might ask? Well, the OFFICE SPACE part is obvious, but I was distracted and/or disturbed with WHY the lead would sit there & stare at this guy so much, paying attention to what he wears, caring so much about the kinds of shoes he wears with the three white stripes, etc.

    But, then we realize it's an experiment of somekind the office has created, so there's my answer.

    Actors were obviously too young, and the setting could have been punched up more & brought to life with better lighting ... especially in the bosses office, where there appeared to be almost zero lighting.

    The script needed work, in my opinion. Beyond just the constant VO thing, which bugs some (doesn't bother me so much), I just found the dialogue somewhat tiring/mudane, and wanted it to move on.

    I apologize if this comes off as harsh, hopefully it's more constructive, which is the intent. On the flip side, you're a young group of guys that saw a goal & pushed all the way through to the finish, which I'm envious of. I WISH so badly I'd started doing this stuff at your age, instead of the over-the-hill 33 that I am now.
    Norm Sanders
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    *click titles to view*
    "Meat Market" - Comedy - (Completed - DVD available)
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    #12
    Senior Member JimtheJib's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaz
    Definitely needed more light in places but overall I enjoyed it.

    the overall file became darker when i compressed it. that could be why it looks dull in places.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaz
    The boy that tells him he needs to make a decision on his future looks EXACTLY like Natalie Portman!
    Freaky...
    lol.


    thanks for the comments
    Last edited by JimtheJib; 02-18-2006 at 08:09 AM.


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    #13
    Senior Member JimtheJib's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Envision
    The script needed work, in my opinion. Beyond just the constant VO thing, which bugs some (doesn't bother me so much), I just found the dialogue somewhat tiring/mudane, and wanted it to move on
    the script is part of a larger one that i'm just playing around with. i took this one scene out of the bigger one but in order for it to make sense i needed to add VO.

    i tried to make the dialogue mondane and tiring to reflect john's feelings. maybe i went overboard but i was aiming for that feel..


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    #14
    Senior Member BrianV's Avatar
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    Something about the protag's voice seemed very humorous to me.

    In some wierd way, I can picture him being the voice of a cool muppet.

    ........not much of $0.02, but still, it's there.
    Brian Voelkerding
    Slugline Pictures
    Editor, Director
    http://AtArms.8m.com
    brianvoelkerding@gmail.com


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    #15
    Senior Member JimtheJib's Avatar
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    haha... he's a real funny guy... he was really funny during the shoot. he lightened the mood.


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    #16
    Senior Member JimtheJib's Avatar
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    acting aside, what did you think?
    Last edited by JimtheJib; 02-19-2006 at 02:26 PM.


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    #17
    Senior Member EditPhish's Avatar
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    I don't want to repeat too much of what others said... I think we've all agreed the actors were too young to pull this off (what would have been bad about taking this story's concept inside a school rather than an office?)

    The intro started good... but the lighting was obviously an issue for you -- too much light behind him, not enough on his face. I did like some of your shots, like when we see Gustav over the should of John, from the cubicle to the office.

    Your voiceover sounded very hollow, almost like it was coming through a transister radio. Music was okay, but obvious (at least to me) you were using Apple Loops... be careful with those, they become very recognizable very fast and can take away the uniqueness of your project.

    I did feel the ending felt forced... almost like you had to reach to make this film fit the sci-fi theme.

    It did hold my interest throughout, which not every film here did, so that's a good thing

    Thanks for sharing it with all of us!


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    #18
    Senior Member JimtheJib's Avatar
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    thanks editphish. some really helpfull comments. im glad you enjoyed it.

    i hve to work on lighting in the future. one problem i encountered while shooting was
    1. it was difficult to control or avoid the light coming in from the windows because of the way this office was set up.
    2. on the first day one of the lights broke. on the second day the second light broke.

    do you have any suggestions for problem number one (for future reference)?

    Quote Originally Posted by EditPhish
    Music was okay, but obvious (at least to me) you were using Apple Loops... be careful with those, they become very recognizable very fast and can take away the uniqueness of your project.
    i'll steer clear next time. but do you think it helped in setting mood regardless?



    Quote Originally Posted by EditPhish
    Your voiceover sounded very hollow, almost like it was coming through a transister radio.
    how could one avoid this? maybe its the compression? i used a microphone hooked up to and md player... could that be it?


    thanks again.


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    #19
    Senior Member EditPhish's Avatar
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    Put tint on the outside of the windows temporarily... or put curtains up... or set up something to create shadows outside the window... even if someone stands out there with a large piece of foamcore board (out of view obviously) -- And light the foreground more to balance.

    The music always helps set the mood, and I don't think your choices themselves were necessarily bad. For me it was a little distracting because they are loops I've used myself in home-movie type stuff!

    As for the voice-over... get a really good mic... they really do make all the difference. Make sure not to compress too much. EQ if you need to in the mix.


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    #20
    Senior Member JimtheJib's Avatar
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    thanks again phish...


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