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    #21
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slimothy
    Chad - When I talked to Kimko when he got back he had such great things to say about you. Glad you guys had a good/productive time out there and congrats on getting a great cast/crew together.
    The feeling is mutual...he has regularly buzzed my ear about you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Slimothy
    I'll start out by saying that I don't totally get the story. There are certain parts that I'm clear on, and most that I'm not. I think this would benefit immensely from more time. The editing/pacing is clean and quick, but the conference room scene seems a bit long because I get lost. The acting is top notch. The writing is good, although I think the story is truley hampered at 6:00. The gunshot at the end was also a bit weak. I also think the old man (Donovan I think his name is) is slightly upstaged throuhout. I think this has alot of potential, just not in this timeframe, as most people won't get it.
    I definitely wouldn't have turned down more time.
    Of course, if 7 minutes where offered up...suddenly 8 would look mighty fine...and so on and so forth. You know how it is.

    There are some exchanges I would have loved to have kept in the Sci-Fest cut, but I stand behind this edit nonetheless, in all its 6 minute glory.

    This is most assuredly a thinking man's Sci-Fi narrative,
    so don't blink or you'll be as lost as Pookie at Jim Kilgour's
    place.

    beer:Cheers, Tim
    ...and I'd love to work with you eventually.


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    #22
    Admin Luis Caffesse's Avatar
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    Callaghan, I've been looking forward to this one for a while... from your posts I've always felt that we were on the same page in terms of our tastes.

    I'll forget the technical issues - because they seem to have been discussed for the most part.

    First off - writing - you've got an ear for dialogue, that's for sure.
    it's evident in the first scene, the boardroom scene.
    The dialogue rolls for the most part, which is nice.
    And your performances were pretty damn solid - Kimko's got something, absolutely.

    (can you feel it .... here it comes....)
    BUT -

    I have to be honest - I didn't follow the story at all.
    I was into it with the first scene, and once it left the boardroom, I just kinda got lost.
    The dialogue was still crisp (i love the quarterback line - sounded like Ryamond Chandler meets Stephen King - weird comparisson I know, but hey) but the structure just wasn't there for me. I felt confused on what exactly Kimko's character was doing, and I honestly have no idea what happened at the end.

    I'm going to watch it again - because I feel like I may have missed some major information in that dialogue - but I thought I would give you a first run perspective.

    Not trying to be a downer here, just being honest.
    Overall, I like your work - and I love your dialogue.
    It was just the structure that was lacking for me.

    Hats off to you, in all sincerity.
    I didn't even get off my ass and make an entry.
    So, that tells you how seriously to take my feedback.


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    #23
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penfever
    Well, I definitely agree with those who complimented the writing. I can't tell you how relieved I was to actually see a dialogue film - most of these things are like going back to avant-garde cinema, you know?
    I thought your older actors were a lot of fun and very talented. I wasn't crazy about sound across the board, particularly the hero's voice. I guess that's a funny thing to say, but somehow he didn't sound - heroic. I dunno.
    The film was certainly shot in a competent and clean manner, although I felt it could be moving the story along a little more quickly/lucidly. I'll give my comment I feel about 90% of these films which is, you probably would have done better to cut a minute or possibly more. The first boardroom scene is quite long, and often hard to hear.
    Cool concept, cool execution. Keep on filming.
    Thanks for the review, penfever.
    Honestly, I am ecstatic that the writing is being noticed...and I do agree with you that dialogue is king.

    As far as the time of the film...
    I appreciate what you are saying, but have to lean the other way on the issue-
    that is another minute or two added as opposed to being shaved. Once again, I'm happy with the six minute cut...but in keeping in the spirit of directors, a longer cut does appeal to me as well.


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    #24
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...First off - writing - you've got an ear for dialogue, that's for sure.
    it's evident in the first scene, the boardroom scene.
    The dialogue rolls for the most part, which is nice...
    I can't tell you how much that means to me coming from you, Luis. As a writer, I hold your (and a select few of our fellow dvxuser scribes') opinions quite high. Thank you, my man.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...And your performances were pretty damn solid - Kimko's got something, absolutely...
    Kimko is no doubt smiling ear to ear while reading that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...I have to be honest - I didn't follow the story at all.
    I was into it with the first scene, and once it left the boardroom, I just kinda got lost.
    The dialogue was still crisp (i love the quarterback line - sounded like Ryamond Chandler meets Stephen King - weird comparisson I know, but hey) but the structure just wasn't there for me...
    As I said, the story could definately have benefited from an extra minute of explanation. However, regardless of length, I do consider this one to be a double-screener...one whose intentions are more fully revealed the second time around.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...Overall, I like your work - and I love your dialogue.
    It was just the structure that was lacking for me...
    Luis, I would love some follow-up thoughts from you whenever you do get a chance to view it again...if you wouldn't mind too much, of course.

    Cheers


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    #25
    Senior Member ChrisHurn's Avatar
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    The first thing really caught my attention was the dialogue in this film. I really liked it, and I really liked the acting. I thought everyone pulled off their character really well. I followed the story, though I can't really comment because I had read the script a number of times and knew it anyway, lol. I think the 6 minute thing is so hard to do, and you pulled it off really well, so great job.

    I was really pleased to be able to work on music for this.

    -Chris


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    #26
    Admin Luis Caffesse's Avatar
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    whew - well I'm glad my feedback didn't rub you the wrong way.
    It's always tough to know how to phrase things, especially when we don't have tone of voice and body language to help us communicate.

    Okay - I just watched it a second time, and seeing as it is now the afternoon - and not 1am like it was when i first watched it - it made much more sense to me this time.

    First off let me say that some of the technical issues (or choices) threw me the first time and made it a little more difficult to follow. The panning of the audio in the first scene was very distracting to me - Kimko was panned right, sometimes, but sometimes center - the two guys on the other side of the table were panned left. I can see why you did that (if you did it on purpose that is)...but I think it was just too much for me. I would suggest panning them 3/4 right or 3/4 left...but not all the way. That's just me.

    Going back to whats important -
    Acting - it's pretty good throughout... but it's a bit uneven. I only bring this up because when it's good, it's GOOD. It makes it harder as an audience member to settle for a lukewarm line delivery when I've just seen a really good one. Kimko for example started out really strong I thought - I love his reaction shot when he lifts the glass to sarcastically toast the guy - he really sold it. But when the scene gets to it's turning point (when Kimko's character starts making his demands about shutting down the project) - I wasn't sold. He started the scene with a sort of "too cool for school" attitude which was really nice... but by the end, when he's in control and making his demands, I really wanted to see him get a little more passionate. Then again, that's just me. It just seems like if he were asking them to shut down this project, it's something that means A LOT to him - he really wants it gone, right? That small section of the scene came off kinda flat though... as though he was just throwing it out there. I'm sort of rambling here because I'm trying to find the right words...I guess it comes down to him not sounding decisive enough. He sounded as if he was making up those demands as he went along - as opposed to having it planned out before hand. I mean, he knew why he was called there...that was established at the beginning. So he knows he's got an ace up his sleeve, so to speak. He's got these guys where he wants them and he's going to squeeze everything he can out of it - right? To me, I wanted to see him relish in that moment a little more - instead of being so casual about it.

    But, again, we're talking about performance, and character motivation here... and you're the director - not me. Just trying to giving you my two cents as an audience member.

    Storywise -
    The second time around this made A LOT more sense (I think).
    What I got this time was that the team went back in time to capture the renegade guy (forgot his name). Instead they get ambushed, and Kimko's character gets killed. By getting killed in 1873, well before he was even born - it causes a paradox in the universe which apparently can't be rectified... ending in the destruction of that entire world.

    Right or wrong - that's what I got out of it the second time.
    I think the problem the first time was that it was just so quick....
    Your opening scene is nice, but looking back I think I woudl have tried to cut it down a little. When we jump from the boardroom scene to the guys dressed up in western gear - that's where I got lost the first time. It would have been nice to include a short prep scene, showing them suiting up, etc... maybe discussing how the time travel works...it woudl have set it up better for me. And, to be honest, when you suddenly cut like that to Kimko and these guys in western gear it was almost funny the first time - because it was so unexpected. So the first time I saw it I missed the first couple of lines of dialogue because I was too busy thinking "what the hell are they wearing that for?"

    Of course, it all made perfect sense the second time around.

    So, now that I feel I followed the story I would still say that I think the structure is a bit off. Not that I would want to break down a 6 minute short to a 3 act structure...but there is a structure to your story (no matter how short the story is).

    Your boardroom scene is 4 minutes long - out of 6 total minutes.
    It's no wonder that when I saw it the first time I felt like the end flew by.
    I think, in an ideal world - your boardroom scene could have been nearly cut in half - or at least down to 3minutes. Then you could have spent a litlte more time in the prep and explanation of going back to 1873, maybe have a short "briefing of the team" by Kimko's character on what the mission entails exactly - you have saying "be ready in 5 minutes" but then we cut to much later...I would have liked to see the actual leap back in time, personally.

    Anyhow - I'm rambling here - I guess my point on the structure is that it seems very front heavy - essentially it's a 4 minute first act and a 2 minute second act. I would have liked to see a little more balance in the timing.

    Oh, and on the second viewing I still didn't understand the graphic at the end? (Abort, Fail, Retry) Is that supposed to tell me that this was some sort of 'virtual world'? The whole thing is a game? Still a bit lost on that one.

    Again - don't get me wrong - overall I liked it, and I wouldn't bother writing in so much detail if I didn't. Most of what I had a problem with was limitations you had given the 6 minute time constraint. So keep that in mind.



    EDITED TO ADD:
    By the way - I meant to mention - I really liked "histories to conquer" - nice line.
    Last edited by Luis Caffesse; 02-17-2006 at 02:31 PM.


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    #27
    Skywalker xl70e3's Avatar
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    Alright, so I watched it... Cheap rehash of Van Damme's TimeCop with some unshaved kimko instead of Van Damme and without butt-kicking and time travel vfx...









    j/k, of course. Loved it, Callaghan. Great story, dialogue, acting all around ( to Kimko, you definitely have that something about you). Thinking man's Sci-Fi it is. I also liked the lighting in the office scene, looked totally pro. And the costumes. And the vfx.

    Yeah, there are issues - mainly sound (it's not just Norm, I had trouble hearing some lines too and levels were jumping like crazy) and pacing (I don't mind the length of the first scene, but the end flew by in a blink... damn 6 min limit) - but nothing a Director's Cut couldn't fix.

    Good job.


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    #28
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisHurn
    The first thing really caught my attention was the dialogue in this film. I really liked it, and I really liked the acting. I thought everyone pulled off their character really well. I followed the story, though I can't really comment because I had read the script a number of times and knew it anyway, lol. I think the 6 minute thing is so hard to do, and you pulled it off really well, so great job.

    I was really pleased to be able to work on music for this.

    -Chris
    Chris.
    I'm still blown away by what you were able to achieve with the score.
    Beautifully done, maestro!


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    #29
    Master of Horror Filmjunkie677's Avatar
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    Just watched this one and I have to say, this is the best dialogue, IMO, out of all the entries, so far.
    Great acting across the board, Kimko is great(damn he looks like Bruce Campbell), and the two older gentleman were fantastic.
    I loved the opening scene, but once it cut to the next scene you kinda lost me.
    If you kept the intensity of the first scene throughout, this wouldve been a winner, through and through.

    And the audio definetly had problems in the levels, as I was constantly adjusting my volume throughout.

    But, good job Callaghan!! Entertaining, enjoyable and totally sc-fi!!

    Keep it up.
    Last edited by Filmjunkie677; 02-17-2006 at 04:40 PM.
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    #30
    Senior Member CallaghanFilms's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...Storywise -
    The second time around this made A LOT more sense (I think).
    What I got this time was that the team went back in time to capture the renegade guy (forgot his name). Instead they get ambushed, and Kimko's character gets killed. By getting killed in 1873, well before he was even born - it causes a paradox in the universe which apparently can't be rectified... ending in the destruction of that entire world...
    This plausible paradox conclusion is skirted around in nearly every time travel film/book/show, but never actually utilized when all is said and done...until now.;)

    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...Your boardroom scene is 4 minutes long - out of 6 total minutes.
    It's no wonder that when I saw it the first time I felt like the end flew by.
    I think, in an ideal world - your boardroom scene could have been nearly cut in half - or at least down to 3minutes...
    I agree totally...but I'll let you (and a 'coupla thousand of our closest dvxuser friends) in on the secret motivation for my not doing so...
    Obviously it was Kimko's show, but I also had a name actor in Brett Rice that I wanted to showcase as much as possible. I adored the chemistry between the two of them, and really felt that the boardroom scene became a short film in itself. Above and beyond this reason, I also wrote the whole of the explanatory dialog into the boardroom shots...and the more I cut, the less would be made clear after the finale.

    But, alas, I do agree with you in hindsight, and should have shown the shots of the mercenaries changing from their futuristic duds into the period clothing.
    I guess I thought that just seeing them in the 19th century costumes in the blown-out futuristic background would be enough to establish the fact that they were about to travel in time (hence the drone sound fx that I added.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...I would have liked to see the actual leap back in time, personally...
    That's one of the shots that we planned, but scraped at the last minute. The reason? I learned really fast that when making low-budget Sci-Fi, one is always mindful of (gulp) crossing into MST3K territory...and to be frank, I was petrified that the "time leap" shot would do just that. I'm curious...Did anyone else have this in the back of their minds on their shoots? Probably not...it's just me I'm sure.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luis Caffesse
    ...Oh, and on the second viewing I still didn't understand the graphic at the end? (Abort, Fail, Retry) Is that supposed to tell me that this was some sort of 'virtual world'? The whole thing is a game? Still a bit lost on that one.
    That's one that I'll leave for each viewer to decide for himself.;)
    Last edited by CallaghanFilms; 02-17-2006 at 04:56 PM.


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