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    #11
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    Hi khamanna

    i'm not really a ff fan, not sure why, maybe it's because some seem really forced, but I liked your central idea. Simple. A boy, a school project and one question.

    One or two things need a little tidy, not much, but from memory the phraseology around Henry's house was one. The camera seemed to be on the boy one second then the man. Again a classic ff issue. How about the man takes the camera and films the boy at this point? This is an aggressive act which we the see through the fear in the boy. What's going to happen?

    i think the boy needs a suggested back story as to why he is bothered by the answers. Why he keeps going and doesnt just film and then stop. Separated parents? You dont have much to play with but I think you have enough to flesh that out.

    i like the tension of his the man joking or real at the end. Could you possibly suggest that the wife is sinister as well, or maybe that the man hides something. A line like, see you around, could be the last thing the boy wants to hear, but we have to remember that it is unlikely that a person with dark motives would reveal them on camera and let him go.

    Just thoughts.

    All the best.


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    #12
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Damn. Your writing has improved MEGA since the last thing of yours I read. Nice going. Hey, I dug this story a lot.
    It's really bent. I think the ending needs to be more of a homerun.

    The gag that Henry is just a whipped hubby. It's funny.
    I think you could improve it with more of the audibles and visuals revealing stuff. Like maybe after we think it's his building and he reveals he's kidding, a bird poops on him, an old lady comes out of 32B and tells him to keep it down or she'll call the cops... something visual that says... oh, he was full of s*%t.

    I felt the tension and also really thought Henry was a monster! Nice development in such a short time. Super quick read and easy to follow. I think if you layer this a bit it will get optioned no prob.

    I didn't see a party in here anywhere so I guess you just tossed the theme out the window. It happens. Lol. Nice job K.


    1 You have both New Year's with an apostrophe and New Years without. I think the first way you have it is correct.

    1 If the screen goes black, I think the GIRL's dialogue be (O.S.) If we see her going in and out, I'm not sure... lol.

    1 by THE sound of rushed...

    2 Since we hear Robert's voice on page 1, even though it's O.S. I think you should describe his voice as being an adolescent. We are confronted with it so soon, we will know his age. You could almost do the intro to him there, but at very least, I think you should mention the age of the voice. The reason I say it, is because I was thinking it was an older guy, but if you're watching it, you already know it's a kid, etc.

    2 It back to... < That's weird. Maybe say something like "the rear of the bulding faces..."

    4 I like where this is headed... Thinking back to earlier, I like that Robert asked Henry is he 'hunted'.... This could get ugly...

    5 ...can be told that... > Sounds weird. Just say "Robert's hands shake profusely" or something simple.

    5 Oh, you are twisted. Love that.

    6 Enough of talk < sounds weird, maybe 'Enough of THE talk' or simply, 'Enough talk'

    6 Puzzled by the ending, but you built some decent tension. You need an 'ah ha' moment though.
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 12-16-2012 at 06:50 PM.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #13
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    @Reef - thanks! I'm not a fan of FF, don't know what made write this. One thing for sure - it was very hard to write it and to make it good, clearer, I'll have to put much more effort into it.

    I agree it should be somewhat deeper. Maybe I'll rewrite it sometime in the future... Not for the next 3 months - suddenly I'm busy with other screenwriting stuff which is such a good thing!!!

    THank you - exactly my thoughts after I wrote it. I wanted to rethink but the deadline came too soon...


    @Anthony, hey, glad to see you here!
    Will read and comment on yours too


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    #14
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    @Anthony, thanks for the detailed review!

    I've already changed the ending and am planning to get to the rest of them. Very in depth - what a treat.

    I remember you reviewing few of my other entries. You know what happened? - the one about crawfish got an HM (Honorable Mention). The one about the surprise party came second on MP (moviepoet.com) and you already know about the other surprise entry. So, you give great comments I guess!!


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    #15
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Busy is good. It's certainly paying off. Keep it up.
    I just call it like I see it, glad it was helpful.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #16
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    I can't open this one.


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    #17
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    Thanks, Alex, for looking it up!

    Have you tried to open it through this thread? Because I copypasted the link to the other thread (the top thread) and you tried it though that one...


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    #18
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    I tried all the links I could find. Nothing worked. Maybe you can email me the script?


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    #19
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    I'm trying to find your email address and can't


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    #20
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    https://www.dropbox.com/s/w72ec6lmgn...elebrateIt.pdf

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/w72ec6lmgn...elebrateIt.pdf

    Niether works? I couldn't find your address and can't see how to link the script to a personal message.


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