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    #21
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    first one worked. I'll read it today!


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    #22
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    We are leaving today, so if you leave a comment I will see it but may not be able to respond in couple of days


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    #23
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Okay, I didn't like this one. I'm not sure why. I think the interaction on the last couple pages were fine, the opening seemed a mess. At the end I wasn't sure if he was still a killer or this was a joke with the knives icing on the cake. Overall I think it was rushed like mine. If you spent some time with it I think you could give it some solidity of theme.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #24
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    First off, I have no idea what FF means.

    Okay, this …

    THROUGH A VIDEO CAMERA:

    EXT. STREET - DAY

    A young GIRL (18) squints into a camera lens.


    Not sure I would title an 18-year-old as young girl. I think you could just say GIRL (18). Also, if GIRL is your character’s name, then don’t use an article before it.

    This ...

    GIRL
    What did you say you need it for?


    First line of dialogue is nice. Opens with curiosity, made me want to read on.

    This ...

    The image zooms in on her face.

    I think the POV camera stuff need clarity. She is already squinting into the camera, so how much more can it zoom?

    This ...

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    School project.

    GIRL
    Okay. Well... I stay home on New
    Year’s.


    Girl's response seems non-sequitur. I assume that whatever they are talking about (the camera) is avail because she’s staying home?

    This ...

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    Why? They don’t let you go out with
    friends or something?

    GIRL
    No. Not that. Hmm. I have a curfew.


    She’s hesitating, but why? Doesn’t like this dude?

    This ...

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    So, you’d rather be with friends,
    right?


    I think this should be ‘But, you’d rather …’

    This ...

    GIRL
    They have a curfew too.


    Okay, by now I get that Girl doesn’t want to be with Robert, nor wants him hangin’ around with her circle of friends. But why? Need to read on.

    This ...

    ROBERT
    Which means they would rather go
    out on New Years as well.

    The Girl pulls a classic “Talk to the hand” moment. The
    screen turns black for a moment.


    Her you use ‘moment' twice in a short stint, and this can make for clumsy cadence. You could streamline like this …


    Girl gives Robert a ‘talk to the hand’.

    BLACK SCREEN

    GIRL (O.S.)
    See ya.



    She would be OS at this point.

    This ...

    The image jukes and jumps as the girl pushes the camera and
    strides away.


    She pushes the camera? I’m not visualizing that. Do you mean she turns it on? Also, need to FADE IN again from your black screen.

    This ...


    ROBERT (O.S.)
    Wait. Oh, s*%t.

    Distorted image supplemented by he sound of rushed footsteps as Robert chases the Girl. Next, the Girl hits the lenses. The camera flickers off. Then it comes back to life.


    Hits the lens? By accident or what? This is all pretty messy. For sure the hardest thing in writing is taking some you see clearly in your head, and making it clear in a reader’s head, especially small details like this.

    If I think I have it figured out …

    FADE IN

    ON GIRL’S FEET as she strides away, video camera jumping and juling.

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    Wait! Oh, s*%t!

    The sound of rushing footsteps. Video camera all over the place – sky, pavement, feet.

    BLACK SCREEN

    A tap and a thump.

    FADE IN

    ROBERT (15) his acne-scarred face framed in the video camera. He adjusts …


    Along those lines, keep out the clutter and don’t be shy about using transitionals if they help keep thing clear.

    This ...

    ROBERT (15) directs the camera on himself. His acne stricken
    face fills the screen. He adjusts it until the image is good and clear and his face
    is in the center of the screen.


    Okay, here is where the rest of the story - and the main story - picks up. What I’m not getting is what does Girl’s apparent avoidance of Robert have to do with his new mission? He assumed she stays home with her family because she has a curfew, not because she wants to? It was not really spelled out. For sure your dialogue needs to reinforce Robert’s actions.

    It seems he was hoping to get the camera for a school project anyways, but somehow this exchange made him change his original plan to the one we have here: interviewing strangers about what they do for the holidays. (New Years?)

    This ...

    ROBERT
    No one wants to be with their family
    on New Years. No one. These people
    are cheaters in a way - they pretend
    they are family people, but they are
    not. Hypocrites. Let me ask around
    some more and then I’m done.


    Then I’m done? Done with what? Holidays? Family? The project? What was preceded by this as concerns the project? Had he already begun something and this was the last bit needed?

    I think almost this entire dialogue bit can go, and push your story forward with some more of the curiosity you opened with.

    Like …

    ROBERT
    No one wants to be with their family on News Years. Let’s find out why.


    From there pop into your first interview, and the whole OTN of telling us what he’s going to do, then doing it can be avoided, and you can keep the quip/clip moving.



    More soon …


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    #25
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    This ...

    LATER

    A middle-aged WOMAN stares into the camera.


    To kill the article here you can use WOMAN (mid 40s) stares into the video camera. I’m thinking since you have two cameras going here – the set and the prop – address the prop as video camera so not to confuse a breaking of the 4th wall.

    This ...

    WOMAN
    How do I celebrate New Years? I go
    out with my friends.

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    What about your family?

    WOMAN
    My parents are in Kentucky.

    ROBERT
    So, you’re not married? Man...


    Okay, so middle-aged and no beau or kids, at least that she’s admitting to. This is good.

    This ...

    The woman scoffs and hurries away.

    Again, kill the articles.

    This ...

    WOMAN
    Stupid.

    LATER


    You could drop in a montage here of various types of folks being interviewed, and a variety of reactions from scowls to friendly pats on the back. Mix it up with maybe 4 or 5.

    This ...

    A few people straggle by. One is a well-dressed middle-aged man, HENRY. The camera zooms on him, as Robert rushes after him off screen.

    I think if the video camera is on Henry we wouldn’t see Robert, or at least give us a POV VIDEO CAMERA as Robert approaches.

    Why is Robert rushing after Henry? Is Henry trying to get away?

    This ...

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    Hi. I’m making a documentary for a
    school project. May I ask you a
    question?

    Henry smiles to the camera, but keeps moving. The camera
    moves along with him. Is anyone named Henry anymore?


    'The camera moves along' is redundant.

    This ...

    HENRY
    Sure. Go ahead. School project
    can’t be bad.

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    How do you celebrate New Years?

    HENRY
    What do you mean how I celebrate it?

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    Like with who you celebrate it,
    like your family, your parents...


    Who should be whom (not that anyone uses it anymore)

    This ...

    HENRY
    Actually my friends and I rent a
    room, and we party.

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    You don’t have a family?

    HENRY
    I do, why?

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    You said, you go out with
    friends... Are you married?

    HENRY
    Yes, as a matter of fact I am. But
    my wife never objects. I’d much
    rather stay with my family, you
    know. Let me tell you a story...


    This is convoluted, or did I miss something? His wife doesn’t object to him going out with friends, but he’d much rather stay with her?

    This ...

    They enter a shady area - narrow streets, no people.

    I like the way this moves Robert away from what might be considered as a safe environment – separate him from the pack, like a true hunter. Well done.

    This ...

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    What kind of story? A New Years Day
    story?

    HENRY
    Yeah. I tell my wife and family I
    go with friends, but I’m a quiet
    man. Instead I stay in a cabin I
    own, at the outskirts of Austin. I
    find something to kill, I skin it—


    This pretty much telegraphs what’s coming, but not in a bad way.

    This ...

    ROBERT (O.S.)
    You hunt?

    They enter a quite but dated apartment complex. It back to a neglected bayou and the front of it is well-fenced.


    Actually they are not entering at this point, they are approaching.

    This ...

    EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX
    Henry opens the fence and they walk through. He doesn’t close the fence.


    Use the indefinite article a or an when introducing something for the first time. Should be ‘a fence’.

    You follow with using ‘fence’ again, and it is correct to use the in this case, but using fence twice does jumble the cadence, so stick with the pronoun IT.

    Like this …

    Henry opens a fence and they walk through. He doesn’t close it.

    And, actually, he opens a gate, not a fence.

    More soon ....


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    #26
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Oh, Alex, this is really nice - thank you. I'll study all that in detail.

    It's a Found Footage script (that's what FF stands for) - my first attempt at something like this and a rather messy one. I did spend time on this but too hard.
    And thanks for the stuff in blue - I read through, really helpful.




    @Chris, sorry you didn't like it. But, what can I do Pretty straight forward - I like that Hey, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe what you don't like has a chance of something... Let's see.


    --gniddik (kidding, okay)


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    #27
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Hey, there are a lot of things that I don't like that are perfectly acceptable to others. I think I don't like FF in general, so it may not be all your fault.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #28
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Hey, there are a lot of things that I don't like that are perfectly acceptable to others. I think I don't like FF in general, so it may not be all your fault.
    Hey, don't feel bad for not liking it. I'll write another... someday.


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