Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. Collapse Details
    ScriptFest XIV: HolidayFest: O.N.P.
    #1
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Michigan, USA
    Posts
    65
    Default
    After Santa leaves, the understaffed elves take over . They aren't going to take it anymore.

    ONP (Occupy North Pole) is a tentative title. I was also considering the Pole Party Action...and I'm still polishing, but it'll be done by deadline. that much I know.


    onp.JPG
    Last edited by DarrenJSeeley; 12-14-2012 at 08:06 PM.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #2
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Jersey, Channel Islands
    Posts
    66
    Default
    Hey Daren, I have to say I loved the idea, poster etc I think this has potential.


    not sure about the low budget but I'm sure this could be tweaked.


    this has some nice exchanges, and some good character interaction, but I didn't find myself a little confused at times with various scenes going on. Again, an easy fix.


    The script did have a rushed feel to it, quite a few typo's even action text in the dialogue, but hell it's Christmas, we're busy so who cares, but a little tidy up is recommended. If I recall one character is called E at one stage, maybe it was meant to be He?


    otherwise a pleasant read which could be a witty little short.


    cheers


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #3
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    444
    Default
    Hey Darren. Since there are so few of us, I'm doing extended reviews. Here goes...

    Overall, I get the stressed out, under appreciated, over worked elf and his mates who let loose, have a little fun. Good sentiment. I think you can go back and really bring that feeling out. Maybe put the fate of xmas eve in Thavron's hands and he is forced to be Santa for the night and then realizes, it's not as easy as he thought it was... I don't know what, but the building blocks for something more narrative exists here and I think you should pull it out.


    Some of the sentence are choppy. Maybe focus on using complete sentences instead of the abriviated imperitives. Those make things hard to understand. Especially when you start a paragraph or block with one. I'd suggest simple sentences and let the story do the heavy lifting.

    The world you made up is awesome. This thing has potential. I love your humor too.

    1 A winter wonderland < If we are staring at the side of a warehouse, how does that constiture a winter wonderland? If it does, that's fine, just make sure you show us. When I read winter wonderland, I instantly think of fields of snow, kids sledding, etc... Maybe it's just me.

    1 Christmas decor lights up.... This sounds weird. Be specific, especially with visuals.

    1 Is THAVRON a kid? how old?

    1 O.S. is a parenthetical used for dialogue. If you want the sound of something, say it, The sound of a gararge door opens in the distance... or whatever.

    1 Laughter. Cracks of a whip. < Too many imperetive sentences in one line can make for a stuttery read. Maybe just explain to us what is happeing in a simple, but complete way.

    "In the distance, the sounds of a garage door opens, laughter and cracks of a whip fill the air..." < That's crappy sentence, but you get what I'm saying. It just gets the idea into the readers head quicker.

    1 "..." Elipses are for dialogue that trails off. Not really a need for them in action. You told us it fades out. You use the elipse to signify that specifically for the character saying it... So "On Comet!, On Cupid, On Donner..." < That's how you let us know, that the last line of his dialogue trails off.

    1 How old is Thavron? Is he a kid that smokes? Lol...

    1 Okay, I see you wanted to have his appearance revealed. That's fine. I think you can find a way to explain the man's stature though in his first appearance. I suggest using the parenthetical to divulge his age to us, but at least describe his height or stature in some way on his first appearance. When I see Santa and someone with candy watching, I thought it was a kid. The cigar tells me he's not a kid, but too far into it. Let us know what we are seeing.

    1 He's an elf. Okay, so you want us to think it's a kid, then reveal later after he removes his goggles he's an elf. Got it. Then say, THEVRON, who stands three feet tall watches and snacks on some candy... Let us know he's short and describe his child like appearance and actions.

    1 "MissEs"

    2 THAVRON - Chipper... where is everyone? (calls out) Big man's gone... < This sounds like Thavron asked and answered his own question. I think that last line is actually Chipper's line... maybe take another look at it.

    2 Who beelines? Chipper or Thavron?

    2 One more year of... < I think you want to seperate dialogue with a dash or double dash, the elipse has a very specific purpose. Use it when you need it, but here it looks misused. Consider double dashes maybe. If you look at this review, you'll notice I use the elipse as a seperator. It's the wrong way to use them. But you'll also notice, I don't do it in my screenplays... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... but I do other things that are annoying. ;p

    3 "HE" magically shows off... or even better... Thavron magically... < Show us who you are talking about.

    3 Elves club-dance < HAHAHAHA best visual ever in the history of visuals.

    3 ...two statuesque, long-legged models. < In that order, not the other way around.

    4 Snow BunnY 1 - Typo

    4 What does this mean "Eyeballs Masked Elf." ?

    5 "Is intoxication butchers the classic." < Guessing that's a typo?

    5 E looks out... < Who's 'E'?

    5 He elves drink < I think you mean 'He'

    7 I like that he barfed into the stocking, but if there was something inside the snow globe, something that tied the whole story together that could be epic. Like the whole "He know's what you are thinking." addage, so their could be something regarding all his complaining about the conditions or whatever... or something funny. Not sure... just a thought.
    Last edited by Anthony Todaro; 12-16-2012 at 01:48 PM.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #4
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    214
    Default
    Hey, Darren.

    I understood these are elves. You haven't told us, but it's pretty obvious. The only thing they seem to be a little taller than elves should be, don't they? You said taller than 5.5...

    I liked the fact that they are not satisfied with Santa and the customers and decided to have a party while Santa is out.
    The ending is great - he throws up into his sock, funny.

    I wish the party was a bit more related to his indignation with kids and Santa. I was expecting that everything that do would cause damage to Santa and the North Pole. And they weren't all that bad.

    Fun story. In the spirit of Christmas.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #5
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    This worked on some level, but I'm not sure which. It kinda just came, rambled on, and then vomited in a hat. I didn't really feel the rise up and party vibe, so it felt forced. There were some funny bits, but overall I wasn't a fan.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •