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    #11
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Darren,
    Comments as read-

    Pg 1 Who is Je? Got it typo - He.
    luck that you, Another typo than
    Pg 2 Way too much dialogue. This sounds like it might be funny.
    Pg 5 Some very funny and cool visuals.
    Pg 6 Trained owl - tough for a low budget short.
    Pg 11 OVER BLACK I hadn't read that format in a script before. I went out and researched it. Interesting. I don't agree, but I see some pros recommending it for such.
    Why don't I agree? Because it causes me to stumble reading. It's the word Over. To me it should either be shot or SPFX or CGI. I'd opt for CGI. Of well - there really isn't a true script standard.

    Overall - I like it. Too much dialogue, but the base premise is solid. I might suggest changing the character names to something unusual as there are a lot of characters to keep up with.
    Good twist. Chop it in half, dump the owl, and you have a very doable short. I can visualize the guys around the table like the dog poker game picture.
    Great job!


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    #12
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    Hi Daren,

    Like the poster. lets have a look

    "je" - i assume he
    Flowers off the virgins graves - nice

    Finished. Not much to comment on. Bit lost in some parts, tricky one to pull off with cards.

    The end wasn't wholly clear, it appears Alex was in on it after all, did i read that right. If so, maybe could be a bit clearer. What affect did he have etc

    I like the idea, a card game, in a graveyard, the inhabitants acting like a retirement village, bickering etc and a newbie thrown in to mix it up.

    all the best


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    #13
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Hi Darren,
    Great to see you here.

    Not a lot of feedback from me, sorry. For some reason yours came my way last - maybe that's why

    p6 "Nobody eats, Mister Quigley" - or is it really "nobody eats Mister Quigley" ?

    I wonder if you could skip a little at the beginning and get faster to the game - that's where it picked up my interest.
    See I don't know anything about poker - I'm wondering why Crane tells them what those people loose if this and that happen ("you loose one game..." he says)
    And I don't want to ask questions because all of them deal with that poker I don't know anything about - don't want to ask them

    Nice premise to have creatures (whatever they were) play cards at a masouleum/cemetery or any other super creepy place - I see the slug and think horror right away.
    Last edited by KhamIsk; 09-12-2012 at 11:42 PM.


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    #14
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reef dreamer View Post
    I like the idea, a card game, in a graveyard, the inhabitants acting like a retirement village, bickering etc and a newbie thrown in to mix it up.
    Ah, that's what I couldn't put my finger on. The graveyard as a retirement village, makes perfect sense.


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    #15
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Immediately I see some long action blocks and long stretches of dialog. Give us something to look at.

    - Todd 'Quigs will have better luck THAN...'

    Okay, 6 pages in and we have lot of talking about a card game. This is a short, grab us fast. Of course the ghouls may do that for you, but I think it's still a bit chatty.

    Ok, it was an interesting and well written piece, but just throwing in zombies doesn't make it a horror. Essentially you got a card game.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #16
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post

    Ok, it was an interesting and well written piece, but just throwing in zombies doesn't make it a horror. Essentially you got a card game.
    Chopping off dead men's fingers don't count?


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    #17
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Easily the most fun I've had reading a script in the fest. Really like the premise.

    The few grammar things I saw have been pointed out. I agree a bit too much dialogue. But alo some very clever humorous dialogue sprinkled in there.

    I agree it takes too long to get to the card game. Then once in the card game, it gets a bit cloudy, who has what card, get a card, discard etc. Maybe tighten this up and get us to the one big hand that'll make the viewer sweat with tension and anticipation.

    Really clever details throughout, virgins flowers, crumbs through neck, catching finger with the mouth. Good visuals, I could see the set with the flashlights, very cool.

    Original and it was fun to read something a bit lighter. Would recommend a good edit, but I think you have a really good and creative script here.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

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    #18
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarrenJSeeley View Post
    Chopping off dead men's fingers don't count?
    The dead don't mind.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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