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    This Ain't Vegas
    #1
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    In a mausoleum, five ghouls take the new caretaker hostage during a game of poker. A whole new meaning to a Dead Man's hand.


    13 pgs


    ...and you all thought i was gonna sit out this one, ha!
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    Last edited by DarrenJSeeley; 09-06-2012 at 12:08 AM.


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    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarrenJSeeley View Post
    ...and you all thought i was gonna sit out this one, ha!
    Sweet, with 10 entrants I believe we now have reached competition legitimacy!

    I'm glad someone has gone the traditional monster route. Poker playing ghouls, brains for ante...

    You hit 13-pages, I'm jealous. Been desperately trying to get my 14 pager down to the magic number for two days but struggling. Still got a dozen lines to reclaim to get there.


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    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    I like the title and poster. Look forward to reading it.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #4
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    I like the poster and the logline has a good classic horror feel to it...looking forward to reading it.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #5
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Glad to see another regular!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #6
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Russell Moore View Post
    I like the poster and the logline has a good classic horror feel to it...looking forward to reading it.
    Part classic horror, part dark comedy to be more precise.


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    #7
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Nice poster! Horror plus comedy - love the combination.


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    #8
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Most of the issues were grammar. Not a real lot to offer on the story. It's solid, well paced and funny!


    Spellcheck! 'Je approaches TODD...', for a moment I was trying to figure out who Je was and why he wasn't introduced in capitals! When I saw what was next to J on the keyboard!

    oo and again, 'Quigs will have better luck (than?) you, Ray.'

    Top of page three hoots was bluffing now two? Possible it's deliberate since he's describing that 'he ain't told him jack'.

    CRANE
    If you didn't know there was one, then you don't know it and (I can't?) let you in.

    MOMENTS LATER, just say NIGHT. If they were outside and now they are inside we can assume it's more or less continuous. You weren't habitual with this so I'll let it slide

    Middle of page 5, Crane says: Besides, (we?) got ourselves a new item to play with.

    Just 'They approach the card table' in the description will do or capitalise it inline if it's that important.

    Nick nacks. The k is so silent it isn't there! EDIT: no my bad, both spellings are correct, must be a regional thing/thang.


    If there was anything after this that needs a mention I missed it because I was too engrossed. This one had a lot more clarity than the Find (although that was quite a feat of imagination) and the humour plays out a lot better. This is the best zombie POV I've come across. In the end it was kindof Delamore Delamorte had the groundskeeper gone a different way! The characterisation was executed well and the Alex-twist was very satisfying and on a technical level a pretty clever release of tension. Even though the script was funny it releases the fear that Alex contributed (which played right, escalates the humour by tapping primal responses, increasing audience sensitivity) allowing it to be a pure comedy at the end. I would love to see this made.

    Horror - check; affordable - well there's plenty of prosthetics and makeup required but if the filmmaker has those skills themself, then check; games - check.


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    #9
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I think the real strength of this script is in the location and set design. Little touches that you added were terrific like the poker game being lighted with old flashlights. I can just see that in my mind. I also loved all the things they were using for poker chips.

    Egg Born Son did a great job running down the spelling / grammar mistakes. I noticed those as well. Not enough to pull me out of the script, but it is something to be cautious of in your writing. I won't repeat them here.

    Good job on your script!
    Chris Johnson


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    #10
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    Great opening. I'm intrigued by Ray, especially his appearance. Interesting character.

    Typos on page 1: "Je approaches" and "better luck that you"

    The banter between Ray and Todd flows. Very rich and not on-the-nose.

    I love the outfits from different eras.

    When Lew eats some potato chips you tell us "Bits of crumbs sprinkle through his neck and left shoulder". Is Lew a zombie? There was no such indication when he was introduced.

    I'm not clear on the rules as they pertain to Alex. It sounds like a special arrangement between Alex and Todd. Ray tells Alex he has his back, but I don't understand Ray's role when he tells Alex he has his back.

    Typo on Page 9: "Todd scapes the edge"

    Be careful with poker slang as it can confuse non-players. I'm a poker player and I had to look up "full boat".

    I like the characters and I like poker but I'm unclear about Alex's role. It was a sting to clean out Ray? If so, why? And what was Alex's role?
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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