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    GPS
    #1
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Poster.jpg
    Attached Images Attached Images


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Is this a horror about Geo-caching?
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Woo hoo, we only need one more entrant to hit double figures.

    The title didn't do anything for me until I saw the poster. The possibilities... love it!


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    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    So many different settings this time! It's a very promising fest.


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    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Title and poster combined have the wheels turning, looking forward to reading.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    Is this a horror about Geo-caching?
    Yes, a form of geo caching - geo war. You track people rather than hidden items. We were going to do a geo caching short for the 48 Hour Film Festival and had a dozen genre senarios. Wound up doing a commercial spoof. This is one of the senarios. It's laid out to be cheap, easy to film (daylight converted in AE). We look forward to the crane and slide shots offered. Oct 2012 production.


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    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    First off, before we even get to the story, this was a beautiful script. Lean, mean, reads at a hundred miles an hour. The descriptions were economical, the layout presented no obstacles. No unnecessary slugs or directions. This is the kind of script you want to make because it gives you everything you need and room to put yourself into it. This is the ultimate goal that I am currently trying to develop in my own writing as I try to put the more 'complete' and fanciful prose style behind me.

    The plot was focused, characters had character and their youthful dialogue rang true. The pacing of the misdirections was spot on. While some horror conventions were applied (false scare) it didn't really feel like a horror, nothing tested the limits of credibility on either supernatural or extremes of human behaviour. It was fully believeable, even based on a true story according to the super. All other requirements were fully met. I could only find three points that need to be addressed, detailed below.


    Second scene, park - night. 'She doesn't hear him...' She him, it's a new scene we need to know who 'she' and 'he' is. You could either add this line to the previous scene or combine the two scenes as one as describe them first in the vehicle then out of the vehicle. This could be tricky since they drove there, didn't start there. Or you could use the inelegant CONTINUED slug. Perhaps:

    BILLY
    Tina, who did you...

    She doesn't hear him as she launches (corrected to present tense) herself, diving from the car.

    EXT. PARK - NIGHT

    Tina, diving from the car rolls a few times and comes up with a pistol...



    The scene where Tina catches them at the same time as they realise someone is shooting for real is a bit problematic. I see what you were trying to do, overlapping the events but I had to read it almost a dozen times to realise that 'Bastard!' referred to Billy and not the shooter and I believe it will be equally confusing on screen, where you don't have the luxury of re-reading. I understand she is upset with him but I think one reacts to someone shooting for real before a cheating boyfriend. Reorganise the timeline a touch so that the gun blast comes after 'Bastard!' interrupting her about to go mental so the sequence of events and motivations is clear. It also means that Billy explaining what a muggle is to stephanie doesn't result in him directly ignoring his girlfriend (immediately after being shouted at) to provide dictionary services to the girl he is innocent of cheating with. If she says bastard and then the gun blasts it is logical that a man would see that an explanation pertaining to immediate survival being higher on the hierarchy of s*%t to deal with in the moment. And equally believeable that a jealous woman might not understand that choice.


    I don't understand the 'Game over. You lose.' text message. Did the game organiser set this up? How? The old woman went out into the woods of her own volition. There is no other indication of malicious intent on the part of the organiser. It is a nicely timed image but if it is simply an ironically timed message to say he is dead, it's too much of a stretch that it comes this late. Additionally a participant by your internal rules has to claim a kill before it is registered. Who called the cops? They would have had to be called in response to the shotgun blasts to be on their way, not the pistol which the old man might identify as not belonging to the (somewhat murderous) old woman. I think maybe best to abandon the closing shot which you are no doubt in love with and maybe focus on Billy and Tina's relationship. Perhaps he can be trying to convince her dead body of his innocence. Keep the sirens.


    I totally see this one being made. Simple, effective.


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    #8
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    As we go;

    Nice fast, action start, just clear enough what was happening
    p2 action bit heavy
    greg talking out loud - insert the text off the phone would seem more sensible
    Are they hurt ? I just wonder whether this will be resolved, let's see
    Tina - she's In a different location so a mini slug maybe best for explaining eg
    CAR PARK
    tina kneels down etc
    or I think some have used the names as mini slugs so;
    GREG
    Runs along as
    TINA
    Reads her phone etc
    one to play around with the format so it is clear

    Characters - just a point but I have no ages for these, or descriptions. At night, in the woods maybe not so important but may help
    Small point no page numbers
    Tom - not introduced, I had to check whether I had seen him before
    Stephanie and Billy, I undstood why etc just seemed a little forced
    shooting and the lady - yeah nice idea how a misunderstanding escalates it was just a little too quick and without foreshadowing for me. We didn't know he had a gun etc. so I think this could work just a slight re ordering to make it flow.

    Now it certainly has a game element but is this horror? I haven't written horror before so not my best genre but in some ways this feels more drama.

    All the best


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    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I completely agree with Egg Born Son on this one. Your writing is tight yet descriptive and it flows like a script should flow.

    I also agree that I didn't get the "Game over..." text message. Since two people were confused by that, and especially since you're planning on shooting this script, I'd revisit that ending to clean up what's going on. Was the old lady confused or was there malice involved? Did she send the text message? That implies malice, but I'm not sure that's what's happening. Etc.

    Thanks for entering!
    Chris Johnson


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    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    Can you tell us anything about Billy and Tina?

    I like the idea of kids with guns. They're in over their heads the moment you introduce a real killer or soldier.

    Your action paragraphs are a bit lengthy. It makes for a slower read. Try breaking them up.

    On page (no page numbers?) two, Stephanie "She checks her six". Not everyone knows what that means.

    Old lady with a shotgun! Hell yeah! Hope she channels Ruth Gordon from "Any Which Way You Can". (Old lady shoots the hell outta some bikers).

    "He chambers a round and moves toward the woods.". Why would he load one round? Probably easier to assume the gun is loaded.

    Great premise with tight action.

    I assume Greg or Donna told Billy "Game over"?
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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