Thread: Mind Games

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    #21
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Hey David,

    It was very fast read for me, didn't fell like 19 or whatever pages. It got Agatha Christie vibe from it.
    It's very well put together logic wise - no holes, so I got no questions for you. The dialog is great, just the right amount.

    A small thing - when Inspector Wilson asked Doctor Reeves if Doctor were paying visits (p15) the Doctors reply was "she has had a bad case of the flu" when her aunt and uncle told the board of trustees that Abigail was mentally ill. The inspector is supposed to know then that Doctor was coming often for that.

    I think a lot of work went into this. Should have - it's a periodic piece but flows very nicely, their speech is wonderfully authentic. The other thing is - I really liked the way you structured this. No flashbacks, yet you managed to include both her early years and her present. Also the transition to the present - first you have Abigail in her 20s, then super - that's a nice touch.
    Best of all was the Inspector part for me. I think it's a very strong short Dave.


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    #22
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    While that title page gave me pause - I'm a 12 pt courier traditionalist, what can I say ? - overall I liked the read. But I didn't love it. "The Doctor" is sometimes substituted for 'Doctor Reeves' in the narrative. That may sound like I'm getting a little nitpicky, but actually I would just prefer 'Reeves'. (This is also true of The Inspector. Likewise if you dropped 'Aunt and Uncle' off Sara and Albert, you wouldn't lose much.) There's no other characters that have names similar to any other, so it wouldn't be confusing. I also thought the monolog on p9 was a bit long and could be broken up somehow. If it's filmed I'm sure something could be done with it visually, but on the page it didn't work for me.

    I also got a little tired of characters entering and leaving. One character (Reeves) even does it twice - second time with a POV shot.

    p16 and 18
    Put in a little bit of narrative before the characters talk.

    Overall, it's good. Best entry thus far...
    even if the game is 'a mind game'...


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    #23
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Okay I'm late to the party again. Seems most of what I had to say ahs already been said.

    I like the premise, you create some nice visuals. Abigail standing over the grave with mansion and Aunt in the B.G.....you created a nice atmosphere throughout.

    The story drags a bit in the setup. Would be nice to see it tightened up a bit. Page 9, Aunt Sarah...Holy expository on the nose long winded dialogue!

    I like the twist and how it played out. When she takes the pills before she kisses the Doctor...Was that to show that they were placebos and thus harmless?

    Overall a good entertaining story with a nice twist and some good visuals.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #24
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Lose that funky title. It's non standard and made me skip your screenplay until last worried it to would be amateurish. < see this is why there are standards.

    Overall this was a fantastic read, very smooth, nothing at all tripped me up. I would say that the twist in the end wasn't telegraphed as much as I would like, but it actually works fine. I think it would be difficult for a person who plays dead for 10 years to be overpowering anyone, but that's a refrigerator item. This is one of the best of the fest. Great job!
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #25
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    I like the lack of warmth in the manor. All characters are devoid of any emotion except sadness or indifference.

    Nice twist with the doctor's involvement in the scheme.

    I'd like to see Abigail more involved. She's too passive at this point (page 9).

    Why would Sarah give a lengthy confession to Abigail? She's taking a big risk.

    Another twist. The doc's a double agent. I like it!

    Why does Abigail pop the pills in the end? Is it to show that the pills Dr. Reeves prescribed are harmless?

    I like the story but the pace could tighten up. The lack of an active protagonist in the first half reduces the conflict and makes me less inclined to turn the page.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #26
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for all your comments and suggestions.

    Most of you had the same responses so it will be easy to reply.



    HOW LONG IS IT?!
    I couldn't resist taking the opportinity to expand the script given the generous page count.
    I always wanted to write one of those old horror movies that take place back in time in the English countryside at an old stone manor surrounded by fog cut off from real life. I wanted to slow the pace down and create the right mood.
    I apologize to all the five-page-short purists, but, hey, seize the day.

    Funky Font
    Sorry for my unprofessional title font. Especially Chris, who we all know is a 12 point Courier man.
    My software has lots of cool extras I suppose I will never get to flaunt.

    HOLY CONTINUOUS
    Also, I agree I went crazy with the slugs this time. Again, I blame my software for including CONTINUOUS,
    LATER, MOMENTS LATER, etc. I thought it might prevent confusion, but it seemed to cause it.

    THE PILLS
    The pills were definately harmless. I had Abs pop two more before she kisses the Doc to show they were nothing more than candy or a mint.
    More confusion. I thought if I didn't mention it, it would be a hole.
    Eggy suggested popping the pills ealier in the scene. Good idea. I'll have Abs pop them infront of the Inspector and explain they are vitamins.

    SHUT UP, YA OLD WIND BAG!
    Aunt Sarah's marathonlogue.
    I know it's useless to defend it, but... perhaps Sarah feels a tad guilty for her actions and needs to clear her conscious.
    Since she is convinced Abs is a veg, why not?
    Also, in retrospect, when you realize Abs is fully awake, the scene takes on a more chilling feel. You can imagine the rage building up inside her although she cannot show it.
    But in movieland, I realize a person cannot speak more than five lines without an action taking place to interrupt what I like to call conversation.

    Also, about being On The Nose. I realize there are a lot of viewers who are not as, shall I say, smart as we writers.
    This is just my way of including the entire audience and making sure everyone is on the same page.

    PLOT? WHAT PLOT?!
    I was glad I didn't lose any of you with the plot.

    Okay, at some time, Abs and Reeves fall in love. This has to happen first. I don't want to gross anyone out, so I'll say it happened more recently, say when she was 19 and he was early 30s. It can happen.

    Next, Abs has to propose the murder scheme to avenge her parents and get revenge for herself. Abigail knows she will never see her inheritence and may suffer an accident like her parents.
    They must make it look like a murder / suicide in order to avoid suspicion and prison. To really clinch it, they need a suicide note written by Aunt Sarah.

    Reeves approaches Sarah and Albert with the idea of drugging Abs and having her committed. As her doctor, he can keep her out of the picture indefinately. This will turn the family fortune over to them and he will get a nice reward. Once Reeves gains their trust, he pretty much can run the show. This also has Abs and Reeves holding all the cards. And it prevents Sarah and Albert from murdering Abigail as long as they are satisfied they will get everything.

    As Abigail's 21st birthday approaches (as well as page 20) it is time to act. Reeves explains to them they must come up with another plan.

    Although it seems dangerous, Abigail and Reeves are in control of the situation at all times. And they need Sarah to write that note.

    IS IT LOVE?
    Some suggested there might be alterior motives with Aibigail and Reeves. Are they really in love or are they using each other?
    I admit a third twist is always tempting to consider, but I feel they are truly in love. However, in the future, after they are married and Reeves is entitled to the fortune, things could change. But, this would have made the script even longer and two things would have happened... I would have been DQ'd and nobody would have read a 40 page short.


    Again, thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I will definately use them in the tweeking stage.

    This was a great experience for me. Thanks to Chris for the chance to write outside the box.

    I hope to see all of you at the next Fest!

    Cheers!

    Last edited by dtroop506; 09-29-2012 at 12:26 PM.


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    #27
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post

    IS IT LOVE?
    Some suggested there might be alterior motives with Aibigail and Reeves. Are they really in love or are they using each other?
    I admit a third twist is always tempting to consider, but I feel they are truly in love. However, in the future, after they are married and Reeves is entitled to the fortune, things could change. But, this would have made the script even longer and two things would have happened... I would have been DQ'd and nobody would have read a 40 page short.
    Consider leaving some raised questions open. Plant a hint that suggests either way and leave it to the audience. With a strong resolution to the primary plot elements and themes its okay, even advisable to leave some fringe questions open, give the audience something to discuss after they walk out.


    Congratulations on your placing. Like most of us that tackled longer pieces I'm sure you were pushed for revision time which would have taken care of the minor issues.

    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post
    I always wanted to write one of those old horror movies that take place back in time in the English countryside at an old stone manor surrounded by fog cut off from real life. I wanted to slow the pace down and create the right mood.
    Love that you did this.


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    #28
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    There's nothing like the double reverse. Maybe Abi kills the doc now that she is saved for being a disgusting perv. If there love affair started earlier.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
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    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #29
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    @Eggy

    The more I think about it, the more I agree with you. If I would have had more time I probably would have put in a scene at the end similar to this.

    ABIGAIL
    Do you really think it's necessary?

    REEVES
    We don't want to give the police any reason to doubt us.

    ABIGAIL
    Yes, I suppose so.

    She walks over to him and they embrace. Puts her head on his shoulder.

    ABIGAIL
    At this rate, we'll never be married.

    REEVES
    All in due time, my love. We will one day be husband and wife. I promise you that.

    ABIGAIL
    Oh, darling. Till death due us part.

    REEVES
    Yes, my love. Till death due us part.



    Maybe not so cheesy, but something like that. I think it points more to Reeves being the bad guy.


    @Chris

    Watch it, pal. My wife is twelve years younger than I am. Of course, we met when she was 26 and I was 38.
    She always says she wishes we would have met sooner. But then I remind her I would have probably been arrested.


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    #30
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post
    @Chris

    Watch it, pal. My wife is twelve years younger than I am. Of course, we met when she was 26 and I was 38.
    She always says she wishes we would have met sooner. But then I remind her I would have probably been arrested.
    LOL
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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