Thread: Mind Games

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    #11
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Script completed at 10:30 pm.
    Script uploaded at 10:45 pm.

    When is the deadline again ?


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    #12
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    10.44 pm. Sorry. Maybe next time.


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    #13
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    looking forward to reading this one David, so make sure you finish

    cheers

    bill

    Edit - just seen it is posted!! Great.


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    #14
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    Couldn't resist by starting with a DMT script.

    Love the front cover - spot on

    At first my IPAD was telling me this was 23 pages - referee!! But then i found out there are two empty pages. Before reading the script, i have to say i love the idea but it does seem quite a challenge. Not an easy script to pull off, well not to me. Lets see...

    p1 "looks right through me" - foreshadow? or red herring, or neither?
    p2 - continuous - the use of this has been an interesting debate elsewhere and i've never really got a handle on it, but to me its used in a big scene where different things are happening but you want to link them. just saying, useful to discuss.
    p3 - title card or super - 10 years later. just a thought, mind you pretty obvious whats happened
    p3 POV's a classic look up and look down from the window, seems fitting
    so far, nicely written, tight and to the point. good.
    p4 oh now you have a super!! what a clever lad i am, just would have put it earlier but both work
    p7 poppycock - haven't read that one for a while
    p9 aunt sarah - i can picture the scene and why she does it, bit is it a bit long, bit on the nose?
    p11 nice twist
    p12 just got lost for a second with who we were watching at the front door - is there a time lapse? yes, there is...needs a slug
    p14 do you need flashback with the series of shots?
    p16 flashback needed for previous night scene?
    p17 if albert was killed in her room there would be a lot of blood then leading down the stairs - maybe this will be explained?
    p19 note - we don't get to see this, but i suppose we assume it is an explanation for why the auntie killed the uncle. maybe one clarify.
    ending - i liked the twist with the doctor, held true. what i did wonder about was his motivation. could you end with another sinister suggestion that he has a plan as well?
    The pills - i get the fact they were not lethal, but were they meant to be anything else?
    Also, if the doctor was working with the girl, why did he come up with a plan that involved risking her life. could he not have just lied about the trustees and then on her birthday come to collect her? just wonder.

    Cleverly you didn't spend lots of time on how she was looked after over the years and cut to the chase at the end. I wondered how you would do that part.

    otherwise, a fine read, an enjoyable story and well done.

    cheers

    bill


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    #15
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    This is a really good story with very little to complain about. Most of my criticisms are centred around convention and formatting so apply or ignore or argue the point at your own discretion. I only found a handful of story/character points that could do with examining and tweaking if you agree. Let's get on with it.

    Minor, minor thing. I didn't like the use of the word 'sniffs' the pillow. A rather vulgar word for a sensitive act in grief of holding on to someone's smell. I see why you used it though, off the top of my head I can't think of a way to describe the act without taking the better part of a paragraph to do so.

    Directing in the script. The POV shots might help as a director's note but don't add much to the script. You've used them a number of times but the descriptions that follow them work just as well without the slugs.

    Page 5, cont'd unnecessary, possibly even incorrect given actions have occurred between his two lines.

    Page 6, 'everyone will get what they deserve' casual yet deliciously ominous

    Page 9, 'i've done all these horrible things' didn't sit right for me with the character. perhaps a more ambiguous approach as she used in the monologue preceeding eg 'everything i've done and people will think you're the insane one'. I don't think the character you've built could actually say the word horrible, but she'd be thinking it.

    When she takes the pills at the very end is it supposed to mean anything more than to indicate they weren't comatose inducing? If the Doctor was giving her pills to make her compliant in order to pursue his own interest in her fortune then it needs something more (if only a hint) because I couldn't see anything more to reinforce that interpretation. And if it is just to prove they are placebos then the timing is off. In this instance perhaps she could take a pill with her beverage in front of the policeman earlier in the piece. It might work better because the revelation has already been long made by this point.

    In general your TIME declarations in your scene headers are almost all either redundant or unnecessary. LATER is obviously later because it comes after. MOMENTS LATER isn't something the audience is going to see. DAY and NIGHT, possibly DAWN and SUNSET are more useful. The real intent of this line is to indicate whether to use silks and reflectors or lights and what kind. Doesn't kill the script, just a technical point. EDIT: Actually, reading further they do affect the script, they are annoying. You are micromanaging the pacing. Just tell me what room we're in now and whether it's day or night. They're breaking my reading flow, man!


    I really liked this one. The double twist ending worked really well. I figured the girl was going to turn it on them but the doctor's part fooled me. The characters were well realised, the points I mentioned above are the only suggestions I have, you did a great job with them. The plot was rock solid. Every time I had an 'a-ha I got you' moment on a point of logic you dashed me with a rational explanation moments later (how does a comatose person write a note ). I can totally see this being made and you fully met the conditions of GAMES, AFFORDABLE and ONE LOCATION. Given how fun 52D was I wasn't expecting this. It shows some real depth to your writing talent (in spite of some formatting breaches) there is a real maturity to your writing style. Look forward to your next entry in the next fest.
    Last edited by Egg Born Son; 09-11-2012 at 03:01 AM.


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    #16
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reef dreamer View Post
    Also, if the doctor was working with the girl, why did he come up with a plan that involved risking her life. could he not have just lied about the trustees and then on her birthday come to collect her? just wonder.
    Hey, I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't even pick up on that. EDIT: Actually, no - re-reading, the revenge motive is planted with the flashbacks (implied impropriety, she has motive). Getting her inheritance is not prize enough. Although this motive doesn't work as neatly if the doctor is manipulating her, only if she is an equal or dominant driver in the revenge plan.


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    #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Egg Born Son View Post
    Hey, I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't even pick up on that. EDIT: Actually, no - re-reading, the revenge motive is planted with the flashbacks (implied impropriety, she has motive). Getting her inheritance is not prize enough. Although this motive doesn't work as neatly if the doctor is manipulating her, only if she is an equal or dominant driver in the revenge plan.
    Yeah, the revenge play does work but one thing niggled me this morning whilst sat in a boring meeting, namely the motives of the doctor and the girl. At some point the doctor has agreed to tend to the girl. If he started out bad, which is the most likely suggestion otherwise he starts out pretending which seems strange, he has been turned during this process by the girl.ie he has fallen for her. If so, she has used him to gain an outcome. My conclusion at the end of this ramble would be that another suitable conclusion of this would be her to turn against the doctor now she has achieved what she needed to do. A final twist.

    Just a thought.


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    #18
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    I feel like I missed something. I really liked this script. The story held me. The descriptions of the locations and people were very well imagined. The twist got me.

    What I didn't understand is why did she take two pills before kissing the doctor? I feel like that was supposed to tell me something and I missed it. Obviously the pills were not affecting her the way the Aunt and Uncle thought they were, but why pop two more at the end?

    Still, a very good script.
    Chris Johnson


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    #19
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the great comments and suggestions so far. I think I'm going to wait until everyone has a chance to read and comment before I respond.
    I don't want to spoil anything. And besides, one of you may have a better explaination than I do.


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    #20
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Comments as read-

    ***Whoa 20 pages. Very long for a short. I know the rules allow it. By the bookmarks it appears all at one manor. Manors are usually not something easily obtainable for a short. We shall see how it reads. BTW - you live in Schuylkill Haven and you didn't use that name for a horror location? Skull-kill haven sounds scary to me.

    Pg 2
    "...shouldn't be very difficult when the times comes." *** Run kid! And grab the deed on the way out the door.
    "Mothers and Fathers" clothes are novelistic. All we see are clothes and must assume they are the parents.
    Pg 4 very odd time for a transition.
    Pg 5 Depression? Auntie drugged the oatmeal! Run! Dumb doctor he is. Didn't she watch 6th Sense? No - guess she is too young.
    Pg 6 21? 18 is legal age. Drinking is 21.
    Pg 7 Darn doctor is in on it. We hate dirty doctors!
    Pg 10 With full feature scripts I give until page ten to have me hooked. If not I quit reading. I think what was shown so far could have been well captured in just a few pages. This is written for a feature. A short? Not short enough. The pacing is slow I believe.
    Pg 11 You spilled the beans about the doctor being in on it. Don't tell all too early. Keep some mystery.
    Pg 13 Flashbacks really sound like Sherlock Holmes. If this is not a period piece the dialogue is not realistic.
    Pg 14 10? Flashback?
    Pg 16 Confused me here as Albert is back alive. But, this is supposed to be a flashback. Need to label these as flashback.
    Protrudes from his chest? I thought his throat was cut?
    Okay the bed was empty when Auntie knifes it. You need to go back to the Uncle part then and take out "Abigail lies in bed..." What you need to show is bed covers with a bump.
    Pg 18 So the doctor is a double spy. Or whatever you call a side switcher. He should have been a lawyer - more believable. ;)
    Pg 20 Hmmm...huge age difference here. When did they have time to get to know each other? So why help the Aunt/Uncle then turn around and kill them? Understand the pills were placebos and that was an explanation.

    Overall- way, way to long. By the location, speech, and descriptions I take it this is a periord piece. That and the hall make this an expensive shoot I should think.
    I don't buy the old doctor and younger girl relationship.
    A good story with some good twists overall.


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