Thread: Spin the bottle

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    #21
    Senior Member KhamIsk's Avatar
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    Hey Bill,

    Yeah we cross our paths a lot. About my short by the way - it's new - just used the old template.

    About your short:
    Pretty graphical and lots of gore, which is great.
    I liked Hannah and the "sisters" thing in the end. I wonder if you could have more of this "sisters" in, foreshadow it maybe at the beginning. Did Hannah want a sister she never had... etc.
    The father - I don't understand his excitement about the bottle, seems like a silly man with a bottle.
    I get it - the sisters are onto bad people, like the nasty pimp, or Veronica, that wasn't too nice to Hannah. I wish Veronica was even worse than that.
    So, what I suggest is basically small touches here and there.
    Otherwise, the story is pretty solid, very interesting and I couldn't wait to see what it turns out to be.


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    #22
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
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    Hellooooo Horror! Probably the first script I've read in this fest that leaves no doubt what genre it belongs in and that's a good thing.

    A lot of my points have been brought up and addressed. It's starts a little slow for me, just kind of flat. Maybe if something with the bottle and/or Hannah happened earlier, some small bit of sinister foreshadowing would have upped the ante and the anticipation would build as we drew closer to game suspecting something bad was going to happen....and then when it happens...

    Holy crap! I thought started a bit slow, and then things go south very quickly. Blood! Gore! Sex! Biting(sex)! Yes! I like the fact that they were laughing while all the brutalizing was going on, big plus on the creepy, weird scale. It started and you just kept bringing it.

    I like the idea and the way you wrapped it up. Would like to see Hannah even more weird and antisocial. Granted maybe she wouldn't have a friend like Veronica or any friends at all. So maybe she''s in a cvollege dorm and V is her room mate, the group just barges in and tries to bully Hannah into playing spin the bottle. We get the sense that this happens often with V and so Hannah has even more reason to hate her and wish ill upon her.

    Despite the formatting, your style is easy to to read and dialogue was pretty much spot on. Best job on true horror in the fest so far
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


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    #23
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Not much to add here, I think it is the best as far as the horror element goes. That said, I am not a huge fan of dialog that is intentionally mispelled for character punctuation sake. It's always been a big turn off to me. I wasn't feeling the formatting either. Good attempt though.

    I wanted to enjoy it a bit more, but didn't.


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    #24
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    Just a quick response to say thanks for the reads.

    I think I covered most points before so won't repeat, however, there were some good ideas and suggestions.

    This was a useful competition as it made me think horror, which I don't normally do, and then get to read and review others. The low budget concept is one I want to keep working on and whilst I kept mine simple, the FX and flashback were rightly identified as problems.

    Not sure I will do anything with STB, rather focus on new stuff.

    Cheers folks.


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