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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by STYLZ View Post
    Wow, some detailed reviews. Thanks for taking the time. You guys might be surprised to find out that I didn't intend for the Shady Guy to be labeled or thought of as an Alien. More of a semi unwittingly distributor of the "tools" necessary for the receipt of the message. The lack of an overt Alien feeling was intentional, albeit poorly executed. Once again the idea was "first Alien contact" might be some obscure signal received by some nobody through "questionable means". Intent was for the reader to question if the experience was real or not. Was it achieved through technology(TV), drugs, or a near death experience? OR all three? Instead I left questions unanswered, a story unresolved and abundant confusion. But damn it still seems awesome in my head and it would be relativey easy to actually make(with some rewrites of course).
    I think with any story involving drugs or other hallucinogens, the main intent should never be "Was it real or not?". It's just way too basic of an angle to take and brings entirely nothing new to the table. It also requires little effort. I think you would be better served to flip that on its head and have the protag desperately want to meet aliens. Even going so far as to invent a drug for himself that he believes will allow him to contact them. This way you not only explore what's real or not, you get to explore what others(the people around him) believe are real or not. How they interpret this character. How this character reacts to the world. How he validates his actions, his work, his existence. You are given so much more freedom and you can do so much more with this angle. Films like Take Shelter and Life Aquatic are excellent examples. And both films provide some of the greatest moments of catharsis in film.


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    #12
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    As I was reading this I thought you were going to step into my short 'Sleeper's territory. Where a dude receives alien TV and Phone signals..... watch it here. http://vimeo.com/10647057
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #13
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    As I was reading this I thought you were going to step into my short 'Sleeper's territory. Where a dude receives alien TV and Phone signals..... watch it here. http://vimeo.com/10647057
    LOL

    "There is never an inappropriate time to plug a short."
    Chris Keaton

    To see my other quotes go to Keatonponders.com
    To order a DVD of me sitting and writing my newest short go to Keatonwrites.com



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    #14
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Larry,

    Sorry about that. Sometimes Keaton gets a little carried away.

    Just a few quick notes while I was reading...

    Do sideways baseball caps really exist? I have to use a regular cap and physically turn it by hand.

    Your description and action lines are a little wordy. Also you write in the Present Continuous Tense (is leaning, is standing...) instead of the Present Perfect tense ( leans, stands...). Other people call this passive writing.

    If you have to use wrilies (most writers just let the actors act) don't use them to describe action.

    Although there are some people (like my wife) who don't use punctuation when they talk, it is best to use commas, periods, and apostrophes when writing dialogue.
    Jason begins to write on the piece of paper (Jason writes on the piece of paper.)

    Blood starts to trickle down onto his upper lip (Blood trickles down onto his upper lip.)

    Jason wakes up from the bathroom floor where he had passed out from exhaustion. He heads to his couch and plops down,face in his hands. Dropping his hands he stares at the blank TV.
    - You don't have to explain why Jason was on the floor.
    - You didn't change locations. Is there a sofa and TV in the bathroom?

    INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

    Jason wakes up on the floor. He looks around, then stands - exhausted.


    INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

    Jason shuffles over to the couch and sits. He wipes his face with his hands then stares at the blank television screen.


    I read your notes above. I wasn't under the impression the Shady Guy was an alien at all. I thought he was a "pusher" for an alien who wanted Earth to know of his existence. But informing Earth of alien life one pot head at a time seems a little time consuming. And of course, who would believe a pot head?

    Overall, your script could use a rewrite to improve your formatting.
    The premise isn't bad. Maybe have Jason try to inform someone of his experience by spreading more alien crack.


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    #15
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post
    LOL

    "There is never an inappropriate time to plug a short."
    Chris Keaton

    To see my other quotes go to Keatonponders.com
    To order a DVD of me sitting and writing my newest short go to Keatonwrites.com


    I was disappointed that this wasn't real... How am I supposed t remember all of these things.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #16
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post
    Larry,

    Sorry about that. Sometimes Keaton gets a little carried away.

    Just a few quick notes while I was reading...

    Do sideways baseball caps really exist? I have to use a regular cap and physically turn it by hand.

    Your description and action lines are a little wordy. Also you write in the Present Continuous Tense (is leaning, is standing...) instead of the Present Perfect tense ( leans, stands...). Other people call this passive writing.

    If you have to use wrilies (most writers just let the actors act) don't use them to describe action.

    Although there are some people (like my wife) who don't use punctuation when they talk, it is best to use commas, periods, and apostrophes when writing dialogue.
    Jason begins to write on the piece of paper (Jason writes on the piece of paper.)

    Blood starts to trickle down onto his upper lip (Blood trickles down onto his upper lip.)

    Jason wakes up from the bathroom floor where he had passed out from exhaustion. He heads to his couch and plops down,face in his hands. Dropping his hands he stares at the blank TV.
    - You don't have to explain why Jason was on the floor.
    - You didn't change locations. Is there a sofa and TV in the bathroom?

    INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

    Jason wakes up on the floor. He looks around, then stands - exhausted.


    INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

    Jason shuffles over to the couch and sits. He wipes his face with his hands then stares at the blank television screen.


    I read your notes above. I wasn't under the impression the Shady Guy was an alien at all. I thought he was a "pusher" for an alien who wanted Earth to know of his existence. But informing Earth of alien life one pot head at a time seems a little time consuming. And of course, who would believe a pot head?

    Overall, your script could use a rewrite to improve your formatting.
    The premise isn't bad. Maybe have Jason try to inform someone of his experience by spreading more alien crack.
    Excellent notes.


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    #17
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    As I was reading this I thought you were going to step into my short 'Sleeper's territory. Where a dude receives alien TV and Phone signals..... watch it here. http://vimeo.com/10647057
    HAHA, that's awesome.


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    #18
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by STYLZ View Post
    HAHA, that's awesome.
    Yeah, I just wish they had used a better camera and didn't add a totally unnecessary scene with the maid that couldn't act.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #19
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    dtroop506 -

    One of the things I really like about these fests is the learning opportunity they provide. Your notes were really great and even though I wasn't the writer of this script, I learned from them. So thanks.

    Craig


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    #20
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    The drug angle worked for me, but I suspect it could have worked a little harder. There is something intriguing about the notion of an alien race needing humans to take some organic substance to "open up" the pathways of communication. Sort of like the William Blake "Doors of Perception" thing - Oliver Stone does a pretty good job of this in his movie The Doors. I just wish the why and the how had been explained or explored more. Perhaps it was and I simply missed it. Most sci-fi tends to deal in the wires. The hardware. The stuff that's made of metal. There is huge possibilities for it being fresh and innovative when it drifts more into the chemical and natural I think (and I must as a parent put in a plug for "Just say no" for here - karma).

    As far as the dialogue - my sense is that some of Jason's wasn't needed or could have been less on the nose. His first "F**k off" maybe is better as just ignoring the guy... and his "I'm supposed to trust..." line felt like you're explaining story a bit rather than revealing character if that makes sense. We (and Jason) know he shouldn't trust this, so I think you could use this line to better convey this uncertainty and maybe hint that Jason may in fact take this guy up on the deal. And if you feel you need to show him feeling uncomfortable about the deal maybe the line references a recent celebrity death or something of that nature.... not sure.

    Anyway, a good read. Thanks

    Craig




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