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    #31
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    I still owe you a page and something of reveiw.

    Congrats on the recognition of peers.


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    #32
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    Nice work. This was head and shoulders my pick for the winner.


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    #33
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    Thanks guys. I'm buried in production ughh so it's nice to hear something good and positive. There were some great scripts entered, including yours EBS which was my fave!


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    #34
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
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    The rest !

    This ...

    She blinks. She steps out of the saucer. Kneels to the
    ground. Touches the dew on a blade of grass. Reaches out to
    it with her tongue. Tastes it. A bird chirps. Startled, Fi
    looks up. A dog trots up to her. Still on her knees, Fi backs up. The dog sniffs her. She sniffs the dog. A tail wags. The dog licks her. Fi smiles.


    There are very different types of actions happing here, all clumped into one block. I’d like to see this broken up, maybe about where the dog comes along.

    She blinks. She steps out of the saucer. Kneels to the
    ground. Touches the dew on a blade of grass. Reaches out to
    it with her tongue. Tastes it. A bird chirps. Startled, Fi
    looks up.

    A dog trots up to her. Still on her knees, Fi back up. The dog sniffs her. She sniffs the dog. A tail wags. The dog licks her. Fi smiles.


    Kinda like the way you broke up the first part with periods, isolating each discovery. It works well – as opposed to stringing it together with commas. But ...

    In the second, well, I’m no expert, but dogs do have a habit of sniffing where info pertinent to their world will likely be located: the ass and genitalia. I see you have ‘Fi back up’, which I assume is a typo and should be ‘Fi backs up’. As it reads, it could infer Fi stands to be inspected. To keep the guess work out of all this, maybe mention WHERE Fi gets licked. Sounds absurd, I know, but this is the entetainment biz and it would likely be more entertaining if things played out to the dog's favor. This really can be read either way.

    Maybe try ...

    A dog trots up to her. Still on her knees, Fi faces it, nose to nose. The dog sniffs her. She sniffs the dog. A tail wags. The dog licks her face. Fi smiles.

    This part …

    A dog trots up to her. Still on her knees …

    Since we don’t know if the dog is male or female, this could read the dog is still on it’s knees, which does sound weird. Just to be extra clear, maybe try …

    Still on her knees, Fi backs up when she sees a dog trotting toward her. They face each other, nose to nose. The dog sniffs Fi’s face and hair. Fi sniffs back. The dog licks her face.

    Or maybe this way, since we know she is already on her knees, and no need for a reminder …

    Fi sees a dog trot toward her, Fi backs up. The dog approaches with caution, sniffing. Fi mimics it. The dog moves closer, sniffs Fi’s hair. Fi sniffs the dog’s ears. The dog licks Fi’s face, Fi smiles.

    To add some humor, you could do something like this …

    Fi sees a dog trot toward her, backs up. The dog approaches with caution, sniffing. Fi mimics it. The dog moves closer, sniffs Fi’s hair. Fi sniffs the dog’s ears. The dog tries to move behind Fi, Fi spins, keeps the dog in front. The dog licks Fi’s face, Fi smiles.

    My dog, a female, hates getting her backend inspected, and never lets another dog get there. She will always spin to face them.

    It’s a fun sequence and I think should be solidified. It is her first encounter with an ‘earthling’. Make it fun.

    This …

    Fi runs after him. Reaching the huge oak doors, she pounds.
    The piano stops.


    We lose sight of the dog here. Is it still with Fi?

    This …

    The door opens and we hear …

    This is one of those things that will likely never be agreed on in screenwriting. Produced writers use it, and sometimes it just works. I personally deplore it, and always try to find another way to say it ...


    We cut to Burke’s perspective as he looks at Fi, starting at
    her feet, up past the blood-soaked robes, to her alien face
    and into a sky... where the sun is blotted out by thousands
    of giant hovering warships.


    Really a great ending. Love it. Thanks, Burke, you really started some s*%t.

    I do think it needs to be streamlined to carry its full punch, however.

    First and foremost, lose the we cut to

    We cut to Burke’s perspective as he looks at Fi, starting at her feet, up past the blood-soaked robes, to her alien face and into a sky... where the sun is blotted out by thousands of giant hovering warships.

    Try ...

    Burke stands mesmerized by Fi, notes every detail: her odd feet, her blood-soaked robes, her alien features – then follows her glance to the sky where a thousand hovering warships move into position.


    What do these robes look like?

    I think there is some interesting things to explore further here. Where doe Fi learn some of her human behaviors? It must be locked away in the genes somewhere. Why does she even ask for help? Is that also a human habit? Would an alien ask for help?

    Many years ago there was a woman doing field studies on chimps (maybe Jane Goodall?), and one day her crew put out a big pile of bananas to see how one chimp group would deal with sharing. Well, along came the biggest, baddest chimp and claimed them all for himself. Then along came a female, and she offered herself to him in exchange for some of the haul. This does bring up an important question: is greed a natural behaviour in the great apes - and us - as is exchanging goodies for goods? Why do we call it the oldest profession? Point is, where did Fi 'learn' that sexual favors would get her what she needed? It pretty much came out of nowhere, and that's why I was curious if there was a typo. If you do revisit this - and I think you should at some point - maybe drop more hints that she really is half human, and show by comparing behaviours with other characters her sex and age.

    Trading beads and such has been around for millennium, so maybe that too is tattood in our genes somewhere. Far as I know, all cultures do it in some fashion or another (except the bushmen, which was pretty much what 'The Gods must be Crazy' was based on), so the idea of money is not far-fetched. What IS to be explored, however, is the aliens reaction to it.

    Without making this sexual, you could even explore how Fi sees herself as a female, and her own self curiosity as she moves into adulthood. Last I saw, she is now 16, and humans are for the most part pretty obsessed with the self at this age, and an 18-year-old actress could play the part for any filmed intimate actions (younger ages would need to be inferred by various creative means). That said, I would encourage all writers to write without inhibition to really set up what could and does occur. A 16 year old - or younger - giving head to get from point A to point B is hardly a big secret in the greater sceme of things, and I applaud you for making it real.

    In truth I am on the fence about just dropping it into the story like a rock, or whether there should be some set up, even if it is some cursory shot that plants a seed. Dropping it in like you did is certainly effective - imagine the shock a parent feels when they walk in on a daughter stripping for a webcam. It came across like that - instant and raw - and is certainly valid. The other thing that struck me was the casualness of it, like it was really no more or no less exciting than giving a token at the subway.

    I think this is a pivotal scene that needs to be re-examined due to the tremendous weight it carries. That and asking for help.


    Is it filmable? Yes, but with a healthy dose of FX/CGI/Green Screen. All doable, obviously.

    alex
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 07-08-2012 at 05:01 AM.


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