Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 34
  1. Collapse Details
    #21
    Senior Member STYLZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Las Vegas, Nv
    Posts
    614
    Default
    Haven't read any other reviews yet. My question is why the age of 67? Seems a bit unrealistic to me, 67 y/o scientist masturbating on a space station. I'm sure you didn't just choose this randomly though so..Also, I'm not sure I understood why TA wants to be impregnated by an Alien species, especially one they think of as "filthy creatures". One other thing is the space travel of the spunk in such a short of time. Maybe if you would have writeen in that it is sent off into some wormhole or something, that would make it more believable. Other than those, man you sure do get deep on your sci-fi. You nailed the sci-fi though. Reminds me of a big budget type feel. I really did enjoy reading this and you succeeded in getting the whole visual going in my head. Thanks for sharing.
    Last edited by STYLZ; 06-19-2012 at 01:58 AM.


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #22
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wherever I hang my head in despair
    Posts
    1,912
    Default
    This is a long script! Up through page 4 …


    This …

    Against black, TITLE CARD:
    “In May of 2012, Falcon 9 lifted
    off from Cape Canaveral, becoming
    the first commercial spacecraft to
    travel to the International Space
    Station. With the demise of NASA in
    2018, this privatization of space
    began in earnest.”


    I think you can be more creative here. The whole idea of space travel is somewhat dichotomic in its violent blast off, then its serene floating worlds. I would like to see you visit that somehow, via quick flashes or something along those lines. Title cards are just not exciting by themselves.

    This …

    INT. BURKE’S MANSION - GREENHOUSE – DAY

    A jungle, unearthly, an explosion of plants and growth,
    barely held back by the soaring iron trusses and ancient
    glass.


    Nice show of craft maturity by NOT mentioning the actual greenhouse again in the text, but rather its trusses and glass. Nice and visual.

    This ...

    Nestled deep in the green BURKE RENNIE (67) masturbates to an undulating, flickering hologram of a naked woman. With a GRUNT he ejaculates.

    Nice image to bump this into the future. All this technology, but some things never will change. I would not cap GRUNT however. Capped words can race the eye forward over other equally important information. At least for me. And, not sure where this is going, but if the military does pop up later in the story, and you have a soldier listed as GRUNT, well, you can see where this might quickly confuse.

    I especially avoid capping details that could also be a name (SANDY, ROCK, BILL, etc), or a role title (FAN – as in sports – SHRINK, etc.).

    The montage is really crisp. I’m in the habit of putting END MONTAGE at the end just to make 100%, but really optional. I’m just guessing here that the glass vial had his ‘seed’? I’ll know soon enough!

    This …

    A space shuttle, bearing a RennieSpace logo and trailing
    flame, arches into the twilight.


    I read this as there is flame decal on the shuttle – which could be cool, like a hotrod or race car, but I know that’s not what you meant. Did you? I’d maybe separate the logo and flame, like this …

    A space shuttle bearing a RennieSpace logo arches into the twilight on a pillar of flame.

    Also, there is nothing in the script to associate the shuttle with Burke to the viewing audience. Maybe need to find a way to get his name visual. Reading audience has the advantage here.

    This …

    Burke flicks the capsule into the void.

    What capsule? First time I’ve seen the word. Do you mean the cylinder? That had blinking lights.

    This …

    Burke flicks the capsule into the void. It spins out of his
    gloved hand …


    If he’s already flicked it into the void, how is it still in his glove to spin away? I think you need to pick exactly how this capsule/cylinder and the gloved hand part ways.

    Really like this …

    BURKE
    Forgive me.


    Something sinister is afoot. Good clue. I hope?

    This can go …

    SPACE – LATER

    This …

    Empty but for a blinking speck of humanity floating in the
    vastness.


    What? I assume this is the capsule, and since it is man-made, you refer to it as ‘speck of humanity’? Or is it looking human? This one is difficult for me to visualize. I think because you are waxing a little poetic.

    This …

    Large and translucent computer-type
    screens float in the air.


    Or …

    Large, translucent monitors float.

    This …

    The parts of the capsule float in the air.

    Which parts? Is it totally disassembled? Also, I'd reverse the order here ...

    Capsule parts float in the air.

    no reason for THE to be in there.

    This …

    Voo touches a chip and a hologram of Burke appears.

    Is the chip one of the floating parts? I would like you to set up how this capsule is looking right now. I kinda get it’s completely apart and all the pieces are floating. Yes? You are making me guess here.

    I’d take out ‘AND’ since it could read ‘Voo touches a chip and a hologram’ … before we get to the rest.

    Maybe this …

    Voo touches a chip, a hologram of Burke appears.

    This …

    BURKE (HOLOGRAM)
    This vessel contains my legacy. I
    am Burke Amberson Rennie...


    Now it’s a vessel? If he uses vessel, I think you should too. And, we have our ref for the viewing audience, albeit quite late.

    This …

    Ta looking at the square metal container containing Burke’s
    sperm.


    This is clear because we do have a square metal container (though we never did know for certain the ‘seed’ was in it, nor are we 100% certain now, until the next dialogue). However, with the mix of other words such as capsule and vessel and blinking humanity, I did need to go back and double check that square metal container was in the first intro.

    And I’d make it looks, not looking.

    This …

    BURKE (V.O.)
    ...you will find my genetic
    material...


    His previous dialogue was (HOLOGRAM). Are we no longer seeing this hologram as Ta inspects the container? Is this how you see it filmed in your mind’s eye?

    It kinda threw me. Like the hologram left the room. I would leave it hologram, unless Ta or Voo exit the scene and we follow them, but still hear Burke. If you want to influence the filmmakers to do it as written, then I suggest having Ta doing something beyond just looking to keep the focus on him/her/it. Like …

    Ta looks at the square metal container containing Burke’s
    sperm. He runs a finger along the edges as he hears …

    BURKE (HOLOGRAM)
    … you will find my genetic material.


    This gives you a chance to direct and edit from the writer’s chair. As the writer, you need to really plant what you see as creative as possible to influence how the material is interpreted, without actually explaining it. It’s not a guarantee it will happen, but ups the chances.

    This …

    In it, an enlarged view of human DNA.

    Wouldn’t that be ‘on it’?

    This …

    Ta reaches to the hologram. Her hand passes through Burke.

    Her? So, is Voo a he?

    Like the scientific banter. Feels authentic. It really is how folks chat in a lab when focused on something. Like, hearing their own voices just to confirm what they are seeing. I’m married to a scientist who does lab work, so this feels real to me. I would ad a huh, or something that shows curiosity or a tinge of excitement – nothing like woopee, just a hmm.

    This …

    breaking Ta’s reverie.

    That was reverie? Aliens.

    Okay, so I see Voo is not a he. This is getting interesting. Did you not leak the female info on purpose?

    This …

    Ta cradles the NEWBORN.

    This should be ‘a’ newborn. We have not seen the newborn yet, so you need to use the indefinite article.

    This …

    Ta caresses the infant’s blond hair.

    Now here you use The correctly. But, is it a newborn or an infant?

    This …

    Blood spurts from the gash on
    Voo’s face.


    Was the gash already there? You use THE, which indicates it was, or that it was already introduced. How about ‘a fresh gash’?

    This …

    Ta retracts her claws, rubs blood on her finger and offers it to the newborn who suckles it.

    Wouldn’t the blood already be there? Rubbing it from where, Voo’s gash?

    This …

    Hundreds of her classmates.

    I know you mean Fi, but you changed locations, so I would use Fi the first time we see her here. Her name is at the end of the text block, and this can make for some pronoun confusion.

    Maybe …

    Fi, Now 5, and hundreds of classmates …

    Like this …

    EXT. ALIEN SCHOOL – DAY

    Fi (10) fighting. Savage. Brutal.


    Nice intro, by the way. 3 words say all I need to know. Well, except does she look human, or more like mom? Maybe that would happen when you intro the 5-year-old Fi.

    This …

    Ta licks wounds on Fi’s (13) body.

    Hmm. Weird way to get the age in.

    Maybe …

    Fi (13) with fighter wounds. Ta cleans them with licks.

    Like the following one …

    Fi (16) eats a wriggling worm like creature.

    But you are using worm like as a compound adjective, so make it worm-like.

    And then back to the weird way …

    EXT. ALIEN MARKET PLACE - DAY

    An alien screams in Fi’s (16) face.


    Fi (16), walks. An alien screams in her face.


    To be continued ...
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 06-21-2012 at 10:01 PM.


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #23
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    I like the idea of a half human half alien whatever they were. Good tight descriptive writing. It pulled me in.
    I thought you did a good job of creating a detailed alien world and its inhabitants. This definitely feels like a smaller story to a bigger idea.

    I would have liked that Ta's motivation was a bit clearer. I liked that we end up back at earth and the final image would look great. Thanks.
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #24
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    81
    Default
    Thank you conlanforever.
    thank
    And Alex, WOW...this is fantastic, detailed feedback. I love it. Thank you so much and I can hardly wait to read the rest. Should we ever run into one another, I owe you the drink of your choice.


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #25
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wherever I hang my head in despair
    Posts
    1,912
    Default
    Quote Originally Posted by conlanforever View Post
    I would have liked that Ta's motivation was a bit clearer.
    I have not finished reading the script yet, but this is aleady gnawing at me.


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #26
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    81
    Default
    Yes, I was able to spend a little time yesterday working on the longer version of the script which will define Ta's motivation a lot more. It's been fun developing the "bad guy" - Fi's cousin. Villains are so enjoyable to write.


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #27
    Senior Member alex whitmer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wherever I hang my head in despair
    Posts
    1,912
    Default
    Pages 5 and 6 (and a line or 2 of 7)

    This …


    INT. FI AND TA’S HOME – NIGHT

    Ta comes upon Fi who curls up in a fetal position on a sleeping mat. Ta holds up a small silicon chip.


    So, is Fi already curled up, or she does it when Ta approaches?

    If Fi does it in response to Ta’s approach, then write it along these lines …

    Fi sleeps on a floor mat, curls into in a fetal position as Ta enters, approaches.

    If Fi is already curled up, then maybe …

    Ta enters, sees Fi on a floor mat, curled in a fetal position.

    I think this is an important distinction, as the first could indicate some strain in the relationship.

    Is this a large single area? Or would Ta enter where Fi is via a door?

    This …

    TA
    I needed to maintain my matrical
    bloodline. My legacy.


    I think this comes across a Little too casual. Like ‘I need to brush my teeth’. There should be some action here to set up the news she is about to deliver. A re-adjusting of her position, a pause to gather her thoughts, a gulp. Something to make it feel important, as this is really what the story hinges on. At least up to this point (though I do find the chance crossing of paths as pretty coincidental, but that may be explained further on).

    Fi is showing a more realistic response.

    This …

    BURKE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
    ...but for a race of beings. There
    are eight and a half billion of us
    and our future is out there. With
    you. Our pale blue dot sees itself
    as all too important.


    This feels heavy. I would like to see his delivery more confused and rambling. There is a ‘writer’s POV’ here and it needs to be delivered in a way that doesn’t come across as preachy. Remember the film China Syndrome? Classic example.

    This …

    Long robes cover Fi, her face a dark shadow beneath their
    folds. The hulks of decrepit space freighters extend into the distance. High-intensity arc lights play across battered and pockmarked exteriors.


    Very cool visual. Clear and tangible. But …

    Long robes cover … Are the robes doing this on their own? What about …

    Fi in long robes, her face a dark shadow beneath their
    folds.


    This …

    Wordlessly, Fi pulls money from her robes and hands it to
    Grox.


    What does this money look like? Or, could this race exchange goods and services via some other form of currency? Beads? Energy? Light? Getting paid means Grox is working. Is he? Do aliens work? If so, do they wok for money?

    My biggest issue with sci-fi altogether is the projection of human habits into alien worlds, like work and money. I’m sick to death of sci-fi films that are based on war and territories and the like. It may very well be alien races simply never consider smiting their own kind. But humans crave conflict, so we express it in everything we do, from music to games. I would like to see less projection here. Which comes back to this: money as a means of procuring something one needs. I’d revisit this. The story has enough original elements to make it worth retooling weak points like this.

    This is interesting …

    Fi huddles amongst shipping containers. With a lurch and the
    chiming of a bell, the ship takes off. Fi vomits.


    In contrast to all that speech about projecting, here it makes sense because Fi is half human, and the motion sickness is a great visit to that reality. Nice.

    Love this …

    Still hidden by the cloak, Fi eats small birds, their wings
    beating in useless panic.


    Not sure where the birds came from, but I assume it will be revealed at some point. But, it does remind me of a trip I made to China eons ago, and the eating of live shrimp.

    Not sure panic can be useless. Hope, maybe. Food for thought, though.

    Her we have two interior scenes, one as later, the other as six days later. What really sets them apart so we understand the passage of time? Eating birds still in robes could happen 10 minutes into the flight.

    This …

    GROX (CONT’D)
    Going to Scino? Uyb system? That’s
    gonna cost more.


    Wouldn’t thay have already worked this out? Fuel, provisions, etc. Just hop in the ship and take off? Taxis occasionally start driving before the driver asks for the destination, but a space freighter?

    I would rethink that dialogue, or even toss it.

    Since she’s hijacking the ship (I read a few lines ahead) you could have Grox confirming flight time, and then Fi says ‘I want to go to Earth’, then on as you have it.

    This …

    Fi kneels. Opens his jumpsuit and leans forward.

    GROX (CONT’D)
    Crew taken by their warriors.
    Hidden away in a warehouse. Filthy
    creatures.

    She pulls back the hood of her cloak, blood smeared around
    her mouth.


    Fi opens HIS jumpsuit? Is this a typo? As it reads, sounds like Fi is about to give oral favors in exchange for the ride. Is that what’s going on? Certainly would be quite human to do so.

    Next, Grox has a dialogue, followed by ‘she pulls back the hood …’ You have a male (is Grox male) dialogue followed by a feminine pronoun, so I can’t be sure who is doing what. Pronoun confusion reads like typos. Grox was introduced as a pilot, so it could be male or female, and no costume was described, so Grox could be a female dressed similar to Fi.

    Lot to clarify there. You’re pulling me out of the read to go back and forth and deduce who is who and what one or the other is doing.

    If I were to deduce, then I see Fi about to give Grox a blowjob, supposedly in lieu of money for the forbidden journey, but really so she can get close enough to plunge the knife in.

    No? Or did a simple typo mess with my mind?

    This …

    Fi waves her hands in front of a floating display of stars,
    with a series of gestures, she brings a model of earth to the foreground. She touches it.



    I’d put a period after ‘display of stars’.

    The rest soon …
    Last edited by alex whitmer; 06-23-2012 at 04:28 PM.


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #28
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    81
    Default
    Thanks Alex. I really appreciate the comments - they will help me improve this. I especially like your thoughts on the money - this was a missed opportunity on my part and it's one that I will correct. I'm about to head off to an oh-so-glamorous all-night shoot on top of a parking lot in downtown Los Angeles. Depending upon my mental state tomorrow after 14 hours or so on set, I'll respond to your other comments and answer some of your questions. But thank you again, I really appreciate it. :-)

    Craig


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #29
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    81
    Default
    Whew. OK. Back somewhat among the land of the living. To answer your questions:

    Fi was already curled up, but I like your thought of her curling up when Ta approaches. It shows something about their relationship, not just Fi's current state of mind.

    Again, I love the bit about the money and will rethink that somewhat.

    The bit about "that's gonna cost you more" is simple extortion on Grox's part, with the implication being he's asking for sexual favors. He already has her on the ship and she is somewhat at his mercy.

    Thanks for pointing out the back and forth of the pronouns. I'll go back and clean it up. The basic action is Fi is performing a sexual favor as Grox tells why earth is forbidden. She kills him (and does a very nasty bite) and confirms that humans - and to her way of thinking, herself - are filthy creatures.

    Looking forward to the rest.

    Best

    Craig


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #30
    Senior Member Russell Moore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    West Michigan
    Posts
    727
    Default
    Congratulations Craig for a top 3 finish. One of the most creative scripts in the fest!
    the writer formerly known as "Conlan Forever"

    Need a short script?
    Have an idea? Want to collaborate? Contact me.

    screenwriter75@yahoo.com


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •