Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 32
  1. Collapse Details
    #11
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    An original idea brought to life with a nicely written script. I liked the concept of this thing visiting planets and leaving it's message - what ever it is. My only complaint might be that the on the "alien" planet, why would they carve earth numbers rather than alien numbers? I think four strange shapes would get the idea that this is "1378" in the alien language and make more sense. A minor quibble in a great script.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #12
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    A minor quibble ... and a good point.

    Thanks for the feedback thus far, everyone!
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #13
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    81
    Default
    WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT!!!





    There's a 1960s experimental film called La Jetee (dir: Chris Marker) that I've always loved. It has a fantastic narrative conceit where the beginning and the ending are the essentially the same scene from slightly different perspectives. In between of course is the story that ends up folding in upon itself. The film was in part the basis for 12 Monkeys. This script has a similar narrative trick and I think it works quite well here. It's a nice reveal to realize that the aliens are simply numbering the planets, presumably in order - I like that it comes at the end of the film. The coda (where we see the second planet react in more or same way) is satisfying, but I wonder if it's needed. Not sure. Is it better to end on the "oh, I get it" moment or not. My sense is that it might have more punch.

    If you do use the alien symbols for the number, I'd for sure subtitle it. Better yet, is there a simple graphic representation of the numbers - I could be one II could be two, etc - or something like that which could be used on both planets? Numbers after all refer to discrete elements and this is where that language is universal. Maybe to have it bullet-proof you could have an expert give his (correct) take on what these symbols mean... Just a thought.

    I LOVED the Leno joke. Perfect. I think you have an advantage with him that you don't have with the other characters - namely he is a real person, and we all get him and understand his persona. Therefore the joke works perfectly. The other characters feel like more stock characters (the scientist, the bloviating politicians, etc) - they speak in slight generalizations pretty much how you'd expect them to speak. Not that this is wrong, but I wonder if there is an opportunity to make their dialogue do what it needs to do but also feel a bit fresher and more real. Very subjective comment on my part, I know, but it just feels like some of the bolts could be tightened a bit.

    The premise of news coverage of an event of this magnitude is pretty interesting - I mean, just look at the 24 hour coverage of say a celebrity death - it's crazy. I think there are opportunities to shed some light on what could be the biggest media circus in the history of the world. In this way, you can show as tell as you convey story. The movie Ace in the Hole does a great job of this - there really is something pretty remarkable about how we get information about the world and how the media covers it that I think needs to be worked in a bit. My sense is that the way to do this is pretty subtle and mainly in screen directions....

    But again, a great story and well told.

    Craig


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #14
    Senior Member GaryinCalifornia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    No longer CA but Springfield, MO again
    Posts
    1,296
    Default
    just saw this... Chris send me the script and I'll read it...


    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #15
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    You can just download it from the link on the main Scriptfest section.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #16
    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Springfield, MO
    Posts
    2,707
    Default
    Craig, I am shocked and honored that you'd think about La Jetee while reading my script. Quite an honor.

    Regarding the other characters being stock characters, that's actually one of the reasons I went with the Leno joke. I thought that might ground the rest of them. I also considered making each one of them a real person, but felt that would be too disctracting. Just having Jay in there felt like it might make all of it work. Perhaps it just drew attention to the rest of them. I also wonder if this would be a non-issue if you were watching it as a finished film because then you'd have an actual actor in place of the Scientist, the Newman, etc.

    Excellent feedback, Craig. I greatly appreciate it.
    Chris Johnson


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #17
    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Perth, Australia
    Posts
    1,538
    Default
    The use of stock characters saying cliche things works well in support of the idea because the whole thing is a setup for a punchline. To have scratched deeper with characterisation would have made that punchline an anticlimax and been a disappointing investment for the viewer. So being a fairly light read and playing on a well established convention it lulls you into the realm of the familiar and allows the punchline to do its work. I think this would work even better on the screen than it does on the page.

    While you could get hung up on the use of roman numerals, the unlikely investment in the time and resources to cross the vastness of space for the sake of a joke - the internal logic of a gag is permits a lot more leeway in suspension of disbelief. The timing of the delivery was good, any more pages and it would have dragged. Any less and I wouldn't have been sufficiently lulled for the old switcheroo. My only real complaint is that the 'message' wasn't particularly mysterious or engaging. At no point was I curious as to what 1378 might mean. I read it as a mcguffin from the get go. Not a deal breaker for a gag but had this been developed for a more serious piece it would have been a serious flaw.

    Nice work.


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #18
    Default
    Nicely done. I quite enjoyed it.

    I liked the angle you went with of course showing the different perspectives. It's definitely an interesting take on "first contact" and these types of results should be expected(the scientists not so much though).

    Of course, the continuation at the end connects it all real nicely and shows how similar we are to other lifeforms. Nice touch.

    I understand why you did it in this format, the tv stations all talking about the same thing. Because it's quick, clear, and obvious. But I think you could possibly go for a more subdued version that would bring about more intrigue and interest.

    As it was with this, I was able to turn my brain off and completely understand it. Not that that's a bad thing. But I think it could have been more. Some type of intrigue or subtlety that will keep readers coming back for more. Have them searching for clues.

    But the method you chose was fine. It was clear and understandable. Nice job.


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #19
    Senior Member GaryinCalifornia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    No longer CA but Springfield, MO again
    Posts
    1,296
    Default
    very good Chris... hopefully they'll get the voting back up...


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #20
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Here's my review. I don't read the other reviews until I'm done so this stuff may be repeats.

    - Re-word shape, etc your action blocks. In the second grandcanyon block you have an orphan word taking up a 3rd line. When maybe you could've said 'Most of the park workers and tourists panic while others stand and gawk.' etc. etc.
    - Keep your writing active and in the now. Nothing begins in a screenplay it just happens. So 'Lasers fire from the tentacles...'
    - So this thing shows up and shoots and then leaves. Apparently it just wanted attention by showing up at the grand canyon.
    - Undertermined? So you expect to tell the lighting crew that they'll have to guess whether its day or night?
    - Not even every nation has denied involvement... read that line again.
    - I liked the flashes of how it affected the world.
    - Funny how this planet hopping playboy is using earth numbers.

    This is good, but it just happens that I saw a short animated sci-fi that had the same exact premise. Still a fun twist though, kept me guessing.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •