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    CONTAINMENT by Chris Keaton
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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    A lone hiker finds a downed spaceship in time to learn the terrible truth of its contents.


    Last edited by Chris_Keaton; 05-14-2012 at 05:26 AM.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I'm finally jumping in on my script and I'm halfway through.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    Yup. I'm about halfway there too. Much better than last time when I waited until a few hours before the deadline :-) Of course, I really shouldn't be procrastinating here....OK, back to writing.


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    Love the poster


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    Knight of the Holy Order krestofre's Avatar
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    Very nice! I'm normally not one for calling out sound effects in script action, but it was a very effective use here and brought be further into the world you were creating. I also love the arch of the story. These "flash fiction" pieces are hard for me. I usually need at least 20 pages before I can start crafting any real narrative, but this was an excellently fashioned, complete story and it really captured my imagination.

    Thanks for the entertaining read.
    Chris Johnson


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    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Not really much of an uplifting concept - as far as humans are concerned. Cool idea of a ship contaminating earth and the "owners" cleaning up their mess to the detriment of all life on earth.

    Seemed a bit heavy on sound effects, things like CRASH! and then describing the crash as the sound of a crash.
    I take it Cord was peeking at the "peek".
    Commas do exist for a reason. (After - He sits down... After - the shooting star twists... You get the idea.) Maybe just a tad more proofreading?
    Some of the dialogue seemed a little too expository, especially the broken leg line and the "Run. Chance of a lifetime." bit. Show us, don't explain it.
    I don't care for the conceit of Cord constantly talking to himself. It's just too on the nose.
    "Cord reaches what probably is the front of the ship. He stands in awe taking the spacehip." Does it matter if it's the front of the ship, and from your description, it still only might be. I assume he's "taking in" the spacehip?
    The alien PA system is what, slowly converting to English so Cord can discover his fate? That seems a bit convenient. And what is the purpose of the PA in the first place? It equates to setting up a warning system in front of an anthill before spraying it with Raid.

    Still, I love the concept and the ending. Thanks for an entertaining read.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Thanks guys. I almost didn't make it into this one. I finished the version you are reading the day of the deadline.

    Now when the guy gets scanned is when the ship learns his language. I did have the ship originally ask the man to notify their leadership and to assist in the containment. I think I'll have his phone working and have his girlfriend on the other end of the line and at the end she can say, 'the stars' or something of the sort and he falls over on his back and watched the sterilization commence.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    Senior Member Egg Born Son's Avatar
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    I want to start by saying unequivocally, I love your writing style. It is super efficient and flows so easily - it is everything I aspire to. I noticed it when I was voting in the last scriptfest and it was evident again just half a page into this one.

    My major complaint (explained away by the last minute entry) is that the story is underdeveloped. I'm sure you would have fixed it with time for revisions. The idea itself is there and is good. As someone who has read scifi extensively there are no new ideas (or at least very rarely - Greg Egan's 'Diaspora' is the only fresh thing I've read in years and one of the catalysts for my own submission) but this idea is certainly one I haven't come across very often and scifi is first and foremost about ideas.

    The primary area of neglect is the character development of Cord (cool name). I've only recently become a believer in the importance of character so I am hypersensitive to it at the moment. I don't think the first page and a half contribute anything to the story besides situating him on the hill. Describing him as a mountain climber would have acheived the same in a line or two.

    Revealing his marital status through the phonecall and his father's ashes (connecting him to a wider community) might make him a touch more sympathetic but I didn't get anything about him out of it. I didn't engage with him and didn't care about his death. Rescuing a kitten out of a tree before dying would have worked just as well but that is a technique for sympathising with doomed extras, not main characters. Additionally neither of the two things we learn about him pay off later in the story so they are entirely arbitrary. You could have tightened thematically by introducing him while engaged in some kind of sterilisation or extermination activity at home/work (or discussing the same with his wife). Had he encountered the aliens before scattering the ashes they could have identified one human and one human remains for a minor payoff.

    The final issue related to the first is that he does no more than provide the shoulder for the OTS shots and the face for the reaction shots. The whole thing could have been as easily witnessed by a cute forest creature and perhaps engendered more a sympathetic response. There was no significant interaction, no real communication. Both parties are more spectator than participant. Simplified: man on top of mountain descends, finds ship and dies. Okay, the aliens learn english from him but neither party really communicates. Whether or not they are observing him, the alien's communication is more like a recorded message. On a side note I totally loved your alien language. It recalled the terrible/guilty-pleasure scifi pulp books from the 60s/70s without utilising the lame strings of consonants so typical of those.

    In conclusion I wouldn't throw away this idea. It is a kernel worthy of a better, more developed story. Your clean writing style still makes it easy to read. The fact that it already reads that way in a first draft, wow! Big fan.


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    "Cord fear intensifies as his cough does." Little awkward.

    "Behind his hand he spots thousands of shooting stars falling
    from the sky." Not sure I understand this. Okay I get it. His hand is being held up to the sky. I didn't realize the light was coming from the sky. Thought it was coming from the ship.

    Hmmm. Not really sure what to think of all of this. From what I understand, he found a ship and finds out that it wants to kill him. Then it ends up that it does kill him. But I'm not sure what the purpose was, of the story.

    Isn't it assumed that alien ships are hostile? Most people(viewers/readers), I would imagine, would expect this to happen, so I was expecting more. Something fresher. Something underneath. I might have missed something, but as is I think that that's all it is.

    It's snappily written, easy to read for the most part. I'm just not sure what to make of it.

    Nice quick read.


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    #10
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Egg - Thanks. Yeah, I think I could really make this a solid 15-20 minute short. Thanks for the feedback.

    ZellJr - This was a biological weapon storage ship that crashed. It is warning him that one of its containers is failing. And when it fails the ship calls for sterilization. I guess you didn't find it clear. I'll have to look into that. Thanks.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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