Thread: Sproink

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    Sproink
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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Logline: The last surviving clockwork bounty hunter has to bring back the most dangerous fugitive in the ole' West before his key winds down.

    Sproink Poster.jpg
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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Now to catch some sleep and then hopefully wake up early to finish this sucker. Fingers crossed!
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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Well your premise has my gears turning...
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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    I hope you make it in.
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    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Rusty, my friend, King of the Fest,
    You have done it again. (Dave shakes his fist into the air.)

    I thought Sproink was extremely well written. Your craft is flawless. A wonderful family movie.
    The only criticism I have is that, while technically brilliant, I felt (like Sproink) the script was mechanical.
    For me, I think it can use a dose of emotion. I understand Sproink is a wind-up toy, so you won't get much emotion from him. I realize we had a two character limit, so Sproink's interaction with other people is limited to Randall.
    I just didn't feel the level of satisfaction I wanted to at the end when Sproink beats Randall. Perhaps if Sproink and Randall had a past encounter where Randall destroyed Sproink's workshop and set it on fire, the ending would be more meaningful.

    Otherwise, another brilliant entry from you!

    If you have the desire to expand this into 80 or 90 minutes and set it in the Old West (America) this would be a great Pixar western in the tradition of Rango. Probably better than Rango.


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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    David,you've really been too kind to a script that was scrambled together just hours before the deadline.

    I just look at it now and go "ugh!"

    Thanks for the feedback!
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

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    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    In some ways, evaluating any creative work is pretty easy - it's a simple subjective call: do you like it or not? Ultimately, this is probably the most important metric. People go to movies they enjoy and movies their friends recommend based upon their own subjective likes and dislikes. I really liked this. Why? I loved the whole steampunk aspect, and was pretty much hooked with the orange dreadlocks. It's just a genre I enjoy. So I mentally checked the box marked, "I want to watch this film." This sort of liking or not-liking is so difficult to predict and while craft, plot and character can create enjoyment and pleasure, this totally subjective call is a bit of a roll of the dice. So it's probably not worth that much other than a as a thank you for writing something I enjoyed. So thank you.

    The part of evaluating creative work that is a bit harder, but more valuable is to look at what worked and didn't work on the level of things like craft, plot and character. As far as craft, this was VERY well written - great descriptions, nice use of verbs and the like - you can write. However, in my opinion, that's sort of the price of entry: either one writes well, or one doesn't. If you can't sting together sentences, a lot of other stuff doesn't matter. I say this is my opinion only, because millions of people have proved me wrong with the whole Twilight series of books. So maybe it's not important, but it is to me, and I suspect it's important to people who read screenplays for a living.

    A few things that were't working for me: I was lost with Randall's dialogue during the flashback montage sequence. It took me a bit to realize that this was taking place during what you may call real time rather than during the flashback, yes? I suspect it would probably play better on film, but it took me out of the story. I might simply move it later into the final scene and have it all take place in that space and time.

    Sproink's making the key out of the gun just didn't feel right. I suspect this is because everything else, gears and etc, feel so precise and machined, and so bending a key there on the spot seemed like a device. Not sure it works perfectly, but I don't know the solution.

    Also, Sproink's resurrection (for lack of a better word) seemed to come out of nowhere. I wonder if it's possible to seed/suggest/foreshadow this earlier in the script. On a thematic level, it's really quite powerful stuff - when we have a name, an identity of our own, we come to life. I suspect that if this underpins the narrative (and feel free to tell me it doesn't) it needs to be articulated earlier. Perhaps you've done this and I was just too dense to notice.

    All and all though, a great and fun read.

    Craig


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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Some great points Craig, thanks for the feedback.

    No such thing as a reviewer who is too dense, it's the screen-writer's job to make sure the reader/audience feels smart.

    That's always been my challenge to myself.

    Will the audience enjoy figuring things out or do I need to give them more?

    It's the giving more part, I always struggle with.

    To digress, did anybody get the blatant, Stephen King "Gunslinger" reference?
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    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
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    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    This was a very cute Steampunk. And it is relatively easy to shoot with a budget. I can even imagine Sproink, especially after I just watched 'Drive'. If you've seen you know what I mean. Overall a good script.
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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    I can even imagine Sproink, especially after I just watched 'Drive'. If you've seen you know what I mean. Overall a good script.
    Oh, yes, definitely has a bit of Gosling's personality from "Drive"!

    Thanks for the feedback.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
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