This could be worked in quite easily and reinforce the immediacy of his current bullying situation while giving an affirmative conclusion.
Have him flee unseen bullies or pursuers, hop a fence and crawl/duck into a decrepit Movie Theater that plays his favorite retro adventure movie.
You give brilliant exposition of his familiarity with the hero and the film through his recall of all the dialogs. Now you have a literal visual solution to show he has escaped from his bulllies and troubles by entering the cinema and he's going to further escape into the actual film within the film which will teach him to have a strong heart.
Just a thought.
You're most welcome and thank you for the feedback on "Sproink"
Thread: The Ruby of Rangoon
Results 11 to 17 of 17
04-17-2012 11:09 PM
04-18-2012 02:13 PM
Your script has a very appealing premise. Unfortunately, it's been done in some popular movies like Last Action Hero, Purple Rose of Cairo, and Pleasantville. Billy Crystal does it every time he hosts the Oscars. So, you really need to give it a new twist so it doesn't come off as a pale imitation.
I like that David is sitting alone in an old single-screen movie theatre watching a movie repeatedly until he knows the movie better than the characters do. That is cool. What if Hawk thinks the movie is real? And David knows what is about to happen before it does happen. (Is that too Last Action Hero? I haven't seen that one in a while.)
I don't know. I like where you are going with this script. I think it just needs a rewrite to set it apart from others like it.
Perhaps it will greatly improve once it is free from the restraints of the contest.
Thanks for entering. Good luck.
04-18-2012 02:50 PM
"Billy Crystal does it every time he hosts the oscars." Laughing. Yes, you're right. I was mainly thinking of Purple Rose of Cairo as the basis of this, having forgotten about Last Action Hero and Pleasantville. I was actually planning on shelving this until Rustom's suggestion about the beginning. That is to give more of a literal context to David's bullying. I think that could take it in some interesting directions. It brought to mind this spot (I think one of the better commercials ever made) for the Partnership for a Drug Free America:
This could give the script a much deeper emotional component and improve it. Or maybe David's home life is what sends him to the theater.
It totally agree with you that this premise has been done, and will continue to be done, so it needs to be done perfectly to not feel like a pale imitation. It's like in gymnastics - some vaults have a higher degree of difficulty than others. A re-write might not get it perfect, but it can get it closer. (At least, that's my hope). As an aside, I'm constantly amazed by how many people ask for "something new, but something that's exactly like what so-and-so did." Hollywood seems particularly prone to this malady. Working the kinks out of this is probably pretty good practice.... Grin.
Thank you for your comments. They are on the mark and much appreciated.
04-19-2012 04:54 PM
This is the second one that starts in a movie theater.
- Lose direction or other movie jargon, like SFX. I know you are writing a script, but you first need to win people with your writing and these things can be distracting.
- Add an extra return before the scene heading, it creates white space and makes the script easier to read.
- Lose the passive voice, it'll make your writing more...active.
I see the bit that cross the lines with the rules. It was a slight, but I'm sure each voter will weight in as to how far over you went. Overall this is a great little short. I really love that the kid faces that he is in a movie pretty easily. And all the movie talk was fun. Good job.
04-19-2012 07:28 PMDavid lets go (of) the soda - it begins a slow fall to the ground.
David is standing, fighting, stumbling and flailing
David's dialog p5 does not need to be in CAPS.
I guess the biggest ostacle for me was that Hawks was really self-aware ("The ruby is some red paste that a prop guy made up") and there didn't seem to be a conclusion. Unlike others, I didn't mind the premise though.
04-19-2012 10:35 PM
Chris and Darren, thanks for the feedback. My next script will be better for it.
One of the choices I made, and stand by, is that of Hawks being so self-aware. This is one of my favorite bits in all of literature:
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard from no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
It's one that I consider on an almost daily basis. At least those days I'm working*. One of the things that makes Hawks interesting to me is how self-aware he is of his world and his place in it. In a very real sense, as expressed by his words, he knows that this is "his hour upon the stage" and that he is in a tale that is full of sound and fury (and crocodiles and poisoned darts and skeletons) that ultimately probably signifies nothing. I doubt that most people in real life, in the world we all live in, have this understanding - to have a fictional character be possessed of this knowledge strikes me as somewhat ironic and at the same time right.
* idiots, strutting and fretting, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. A near perfect description of an average work day.
04-21-2012 05:21 PM
I'm sure you made mistakes and broke rules somewhere in this but I didn't notice any of it because I was busy enjoying the story So, that has to be a good sign! I'm a sucker for these types of films - I love a good high concept 'kid enters fantasy land' set-up. Yes, it's been done before but then so has everything. If people will watch Titanic in 3D then they'll watch another 'kid-jumps-through-the-screen' film as long as it's good. And I think this is good. I like Rustom's idea of showing the kid running from bullies too - it reminds me of The Neverending Story which is my favourite film even now :P It's been a long time since a film like this has come around so I reckon it's due a reboot
Yes, if you expanded this to feature length it could do with a more obvious unique angle to help set it apart but at this length, it feels unique enough to me as it has its own message and two strong characters.
Good fun - I enjoyed it - thanks!