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    The Ruby of Rangoon
    #1
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    OK, here goes. I suppose if I do this, I have to write it, yes?

    The title is...

    The Ruby of Rangoon.

    And here's a log line...

    A bullied boy joins his celluloid hero to unearth the priceless Ruby of Rangoon.

    A poster and tagline to follow.

    You guys are going to hold me to this, right? Gulp.

    Craig


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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Yes! This is a contract now. You must submit a script. Welcome to the party.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #3
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    The commitment police have been dispatched... ;p

    That title is BADASS!
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    #4
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    Thanks Anthony. The title was a good starting point. For awhile it was all I had...


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    #5
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    YW. Sounds good. Let the reading begin.
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    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    Hey, if anyone has any comments - good, bad or even indifferent - I'd love to hear them. Would like to get better at this and feedback is an important part of that. What you liked, what you didn't like, what worked, what didn't - the usual stuff. I know things I'm not totally happy with, but I've found that others are usually in a better position to critique one's work.

    Thanks

    Craig


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    #7
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    Dave Harper is entranced. I can't picture that, is that fade in?


    "A robust man he… " Clunky sentence.


    Sotto voce. I prefer whispers but that's me.


    "David lets go the soda." Bad choice of verb. Dave drops the soda.


    It begins? Don't ever use begin or start in a screenplay, it's too passive.

    Overall, it has a mishmash of other movies which works b/c it's a movie on screen. I felt the exposition on the bully was too up front in places. The ending is nice. I'm not sure if it ended like a serial would, was hoping for that.


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    #8
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback and thoughts. You're right about the drop vs lets go of the soda. And with "entranced" - at the time I wondered if it wasn't literal enough:

    David stares at the flickering screen....

    probably would have been better. I also realize that I simply didn't do a good job around the description of the cup falling. The "begins to fall" was meant to suggest that it was falling very slowly - 120fps or higher. What I visualized here was some sort of speed ramp like in Jonathan Glazer's Frozen Moment spot for Nike:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NseKug63naM

    it starts out normally 24fps and jumps to 120fps...

    In retrospect, my sense is that it would have been better to spell this out more explicitly.

    As far as the mishmash of other films, absolutely - I wanted this to be as much about movies as anything else, so it made sense to reference quite a bit. Wonder if anyone gets any of the names.

    Again, thank you for your thoughts.

    Craig


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    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    The people inside the bar are extras, but still characters and I don’t know if that’s okay as far as the contest rules are concerned, but I guess you were going for atmospherics than actual casting.

    I really, really dig the “Last Action Hero” premise in a campy B-movie TV adventure flick from the past but am not too sure about your story time frame.

    If David is a current gen kid with an ipod touch, I seriously doubt that he’s keen on catching a matinee at the ole’ town single screen by himself. Up to that point I always felt that your story is set in the past, and really loved it!

    David is either experiencing literal escapism from being bullied with a hero he digs or some outside forces have brought about this adventure to life. I think you were going for the former.

    But again, if a kid is bullied today, there’s counsellors, and parent groups and frankly not many everyman adventurers in TV or films with even good ole’ Indy being probed by craptacular Alien-being plots.

    I love the sentiment behind this short, the ode to old world adventure films, single screen theatres, and real pop-corn, multiple viewings of the same film, Saturday morning single screens all to oneself, jungle adventures, noir macguffins and heroes who are heroes, because, well, they’re written that way. J

    This is charming and vivid but needs a bit more immediacy; some motivation to relate to how it shall impact David in his current situation and a hint at some affirmative conclusion. But heck, I can see these as a series of episodic shorts too.

    Nice job!
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    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    Ruston, thank you for your astute comments. They are really very well thought-out and insightful. I realized the extras in the bar after I sent it in. Ooops. They are there really more for the atmosphere, so I suspect it could be read as "The bar looks like the type of place frequented by...." Not sure that I really broke the spirit of the rule, so I can sleep comfortably with it.

    It's revealing that you caught the "is this happening now or in the past." My intent was that it's happening now but the movie follows the conventions of an old serial. It could also be that this cinema is one of those rarest and most precious of things - a theater that shows older films. I almost had David have a line like: Hey, I'm in black and white! but ended up leaving it off. Perhaps I should have included this to make everything more explicit and clear: modern kid watching old film. Of course, it could also be better if EVERYTHING takes place in the past - David's real life and the movie - that is he's watching a film that would be contemporary to him. It's an area that will demand more thought if I rewrite.

    I had intended (and am not sure I succeeded) in showing that David had gained some courage and measure of self assurance that would allow him to confront his bullies outside the world of the movie. I think this is what you were looking for when you write that you wish there were more about how David has been impacted in his current situation and a hint at an affirmative conclusion.

    Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful critique - it is very helpful.


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