How did Luke have a torch under the bed without burning down the house?! :-) In all seriousness, this was a fun story with a nice lighthearted quality to it. As an American lefty, I appreciated the "global military headquarters" as being somewhere in my country. The characters were well-drawn, especially Zorg. You obviously had a lot of fun with the little Napoleon. I suppose this might be my biggest issue, and it's purely a personal one given that on a good day I measure out at 5' 4" (not quite sure what that is in meters, but it's not a lot): why is it that when we have character like this, he's always a chihuahua who thinks he's a doberman? It's just me I suppose, and the humor works pretty well.
There was one line of Zorg's that for whatever reason didn't seem to fit (testament, I think to your ability to create character through dialogue). That line was his "....making and educated judgement.... bit. There was a nice B-movie Ming the Merciless quality to most of his lines - this one seemed just too restrained to me.
The "fattens them up" line was great. Did you mean untermensch rather than undermensch? I think they mean the same thing more-or-less and in my first reading I read it as untermensch.
All in all, good fun.
Results 11 to 20 of 23
04-12-2012 04:30 PM
04-12-2012 04:47 PM
Youíve got a knack for describing a room in the simplest terms, good stuff.
Tip toes through the near-dark is redundant, we already have Night in the slugline.
I believe itís generally accepted to spell out numbers.
Slugline Ė dawn. Itís night or day. My opinion.
This was cute, my favorite so far. I liked the Zorgon character. Really great goal.
04-12-2012 05:28 PM
04-12-2012 07:36 PM
Sorry. Muyst have been thinking of MoviePoet.
04-13-2012 10:03 AM
I really enjoyed Zorgon. I thought this was a well written comedy with some very witty dialogue.
Sometimes, I get slammed for too much dialogue, but for me this had a good balance of funny sight gags as well as jokes.
I thought the character of Zorg was hilariously drawn. I loved the Atilla the Hun mentality stuck in the body the size of a hamster.
Just one or two minor things... Spell out numbers if they are in the dialogue. I think there was an extra period at the end of a sentence.
Overall, delightful and fun!
Very good work!
04-13-2012 06:35 PM
Gosh - everybody all ready jumped on the things I thought funny like the torch.
Seriously, to Americans, when this line is read, we don't imagine a flashlight, but a tar/pitch flaming stick. (winner of most commas in a short sentence)
I loved the characters other people related to Zorg.
I'm an old buzzard.
Bugs Bunny used to fight a little Martian guy that had this same personality, but he looked like an upright ant, in Roman soldier garb.
He was always aiming a death ray at Earth.
Zorgon - I LOVED IT!
Wasn't deep, so a child will easily understand it. ;) <shuffle dirt with toe, look around, whistle, refrain from looking toward that casket>
The visuals were great and easily producible with AE so this is very possible for an Indie. So many indies will never get made as they would cost $m to produce.
There is also a moral in there which is great.
We actually have a series of local children's shorts prepping for production called "Three Minute Morals."
Most are modernized Aesop Tales. It's non-profit of course. Maybe you'd release this if given full credit?
If I had a thing to offer it pertained to the word "untermensch" that Craig mentioned. Not sure if you know it, but this term is very closely associated with Nazi history.
It will be very offensive to some. Quick true story-
Years ago I built a large radio controlled WW2 German Cruiser. On the deck I put a Nazi sticker.
Why? Because there really was such a symbol on the real one.
Of course, one day, who is standing by me? A holocaust survivor who also has an RC ship model. We talked.
He asked why I used the Nazi sticker and I explained. He asked if the symbol was important or dear to me?
I said of course not they were evil.
He said, "It bothers me deeply."
He never said I should remove the Nazi symbol. Actually, the discussion ended there.
From that day on, all my WW2 German warship models flew a skull and cross-bones.
I learned a lot from him over the years. He is no longer with us.
04-15-2012 06:00 PM
Thanks all for reading and commenting!
And yep guys I meant untermensch. My german/nietzsche is rusty :P Yeah damn hitler and his associations with various not-inherently-bad things like Wagner and painting. I've heard the term used lots of times outwith its adopted meaning but sure I'd rather take it out than risk offence. In another screenplay maybe not, but since this one is just a little subversive rather than utterly dark, it's maybe a bit too controversial. Fair enough.
Also - Oh phew it's 6 pages - I thought I'd momentarily gone mad. Cheers Chris.
Question - in future should I try to Americanis/ze everything? The torch thing wouldn't have occured to me but I can at least spell stuff the US of A way if the 'foreign' spelling is putting people off or distracting from the story? I seem to get a lot of comments about it so maybe I should assimilate?
04-15-2012 06:01 PM
Oh and thanks re: the numbers - didn't know that.
04-15-2012 06:19 PM
I love when kids grab flaming sticks! Oh wait that is an English flashlight. A very cute story. This Zorg guy was determined. I liked it. The only thing that bugged me was those (CONT'D)s in the dialog, I could see they kept talking. You can change this setting in FinalDraft if you are so inclined. Good job!
04-15-2012 06:21 PM
Question - in future should I try to Americanis/ze everything?
No, because torches from under the bed, and bonnets & boots on cars make us laugh with the visuals.
I see there is wiki- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of..._United_States
Torch is not on it. You're doomed.