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    Platinum Phantom # 1
    #1
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    A criminal mastermind opens a dimensional portal which swaps school children with mannequins. It's up to the kid left behind and a superhero to solve the case and save the day.
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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Cool! Sounds like one of those radio plays.
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    #3
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    That sounds very cool! Mannequins are even more freaky than clowns.


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    #4
    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Wow... that's an insanely cool premise. So why do they keep making old TV show movies when ideas like that exist...
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    #5
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    Spitting image, not splitting image
    Don’t have your character’s look just describe the action that takes place.
    You kind of allude that Joe is Psychobrain, I think I got that but it’s rather unclear. Nice twist if so.


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    #6
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Darren,

    I like the chaacter of the Platinum Phantom. I just wished there was more of him in your script.
    The plot was a little confusing. Joe is Psychobrain...but is Psychobrain a villian or a sidekick wannabe?
    The business about switrching dimensions and the mannequins started out strong, but seemed to fizzle.
    I dunno. Maybe I wanted Platinum Phantom in a showdown with Psychobrain with PP bringing PB to justice...like in the comics.


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    #7
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post


    Joe is Psychobrain...but is Psychobrain a villian or a sidekick wannabe?
    Both!


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    #8
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    This was a good conversation, could be easily filmed if you had a lot of dummies, but is there enough visual impact to make it worthwhile? I'm wondering if I understood it. I got from Joe's conversation that Joe is the bad guy and Platinum figured that out, so why would he take him on as a Sidekick?

    Notes:
    - You jump to the faces of the mannequin children after describing an audience of real kids. Give us some warning that something has changed.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    #9
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    The opening scene is a bit fragmented and you could smooth out the descriptions to get to your punchline about them having turned into mannequins. By just saying “faces of the mannequin children watch…” I felt these were other characters and what’s a mannequin kid? Instead you should add this description to after he jolts up.

    The plot is original and reminds me a bit of the video-game “Viewtiful Joe” without all the action.

    Which essentially brings me to the issue I have with your tale. It reads like a long set-up, Joe looks up from his comic, realises these new changes, Plat shows up, explains what’s happening and in a final twist Joe reveals that he’s been doing these things as a means to take over the comic dimension perhaps and turn into a super-villain of sorts.

    But they just talk about it! At times a bit too grown-up to disconnect with really young kids.

    I want to see what Plat might do to stop him, some back-story about the comic book’s powers, how much of a victim (Like most comic book villains) was Joe?

    Frankly, you’ve got the first six pages of a feature here and I’d rather see you expand this than try and keep this to a short, which can be done, but wouldn’t be as much fun.

    Good job!
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    #10
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Smart making all the other kids mannequins so that you're left with just the two characters! I like how surreal this is - reminds me of kids TV shows in the 90s when they were a lot odder. BUT it could do with making a bit more sense at the end I think. I think if you just cut the sidekick thing then it's a lot more plausible and easier to follow.

    Also yes, the transition to mannequin-hood could be signposted a little better - but I got what you meant after a second reading. It would be easier if you could show the real kids at the start of course so I understand the difficulty.

    Overall, good fun and I like the vibe but yep could be smoothed out a little -it got a bit complicated and existential after the root beer :P


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