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    #11
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    "tripped" not "tripod me up"


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    #12
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Craighoit View Post
    One thing that tripped me up was grandpa's line: There's no reefs around here. Maybe you can establish earlier that they are in an area without reefs....dunno.
    Thanks for the kind review. I actually prior considered what you are recommending. I opted not as I thought it would be too minor/subtle for the audience to apply that later when a SCREECH is heard.
    Man, SCREECH written in caps is like a chalkboard. I also considered not using it, but, I needed him to disregard or delay the concern for danger. I also considered ending it there. The visuals of
    the boy's scared face and the concerned grandpa as the yacht motors away was just too much to let go. No, those are not in wrylies, I thought those emotions given for actors under the circumstances.
    i laugh you mention spelling dialog This is how spell it every time and let the software catch it. Must be a Brit word.


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    #13
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Tim,

    First of all, I liked your script. It is a wonderful tale of a grandpa and his grandson actually spending quality time together, before Grandpa returns home.
    I agree this also could work as a touching drama without the scary ending.

    The pirate story is a little long, but I was able to imagine Johnathan's reaction shots edited in, along with actual pirate footage as Grandpa told the tale.
    And it does set up the ending nicely.


    Sorry for being picky, but...
    on page one -- Johnathan should be lying on his belly ( not laying) , attempts to pet its head (not it's head), Grandpa offers him a hand... (npt dialogue),
    Who's driving the boat? (not Whose driving), sixty-eight degree (not sixty eight), Mom doesn't want you to go... (Johnathan is 12, he should know doesn't)
    on page two -- twelve thirty-five or 12:35 (not 1235)
    on page four -- the Navy Captain's blade

    Overall, I enjoyed your movie. What I liked most was that your obvious love of sailing and the ocean comes through in the characters.
    Well done.


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    #14
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dtroop506 View Post
    Tim,
    Sorry for being picky, but...
    on page one -- Johnathan should be lying on his belly ( not laying) , attempts to pet its head (not it's head), Grandpa offers him a hand... (npt dialogue),
    Who's driving the boat? (not Whose driving), sixty-eight degree (not sixty eight), Mom doesn't want you to go... (Johnathan is 12, he should know doesn't)
    on page two -- twelve thirty-five or 12:35 (not 1235)
    on page four -- the Navy Captain's blade
    Picky? Not at all. I really appreciate your pointing out these errors. Each will be adopted.
    Glad you enjoyed the read, just a fun day on the water.
    And yes, I love to sail more than anything I think. One island to the next in the Caribbean.
    I could drop out and do that forever, if I could afford it. I got married on Norman's Island
    in the BVI. Check it out - http://www.normanisland.com/info.htm
    You ever get a chance, go. The Bight is a cool place. Has a pirate ship/bar/restaurant
    floating in the bay. Lots of nude walking the plank.


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    #15
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - Holy excessive detail, Batman! You've got a 7 line action block with 3 lines of description we can't see or could care about. Non-visual details can add flavor and set mood, but never should be so long. When I first looked at this page I put the script away to come back to. In a pro reader world they would've just binned it and moved on.
    - I like how quickly we can feel the relationship between these two.
    - It's a perfect situation for just two characters.
    - If you want a (BEAT) in the dialog and don't want to drop the line down like you should just use an ellipsis.
    - Pg 4 seems too long to have gotten to the meat of the story. What's happening during this story? This is a visual medium after all, so something visual has to be happening.
    - I love the cutlass ending.

    Overall good, but I think it could use a bit more action, because you have basically background stuff and then the pirate.
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    #16
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Your diehard passion for sailing is clearly evident in the detailed and specific descriptions, of the technical (Sailboat model, temperature, geography sailtype etc.) and plot action aspects.

    I for one found it interesting and refreshing but do have the nagging concern of these intricacies alienating producer Joe who just wants to move on with the narrative without immediately thinking of budgetary fears about the elements you mention.

    Heck, I think in all probability youíre gonna make this yourself, so Iím not too concerned. The mood you set right up to Grandpaís epic monolog is real enough to smell the salty air and bob on a moored sailboat. J

    I found the long monolog to be highly informative and thatís one aspect that is hurt by the contest rules. It needs illustrations, animation, live action, but in the end more actors. As is, the monolog does affect pacing.

    The ending supernatural element, feels a bit rushed, and you could perhaps add it to your plot as a twist. Granpa set it up so Jonathan would be scared and let him go away, or just a trick and both have a laugh. It gives your characters some definite plot action and rounds off the emotional set-up.

    Leaving it a cliffhanger horror possibility is not something that fit for me as far as tone is concerned.

    Other than that, a fun, vivid little slice of life. Nicely done, sir!
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    #17
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Chris,

    Thanks for the read. Regarding waiting until the end to get to the ghost stuff. Yep, on purpose. I considered jumping right to it, but this is a kids story. So I set the stage. Establish this is not a scary story. Lull them into thinking this is a perfect day story. Then BAM, the story turns real and ends without explanation. So now...in a kids mind...that pirate is still out there, alive, real, and waiting. Sleep well.

    As to the visuals during Grandpa's campfire tale, as stated in comments prior, showing the battle would have been a no-brainer and no doubt made for a better "READ." It would not, however, make for a good short film because it would cost a bazillion dollars to produce. I'll leave the huge visuals for the full feature scripts.

    So what is shown? The Director doest have much of an imagination if they can't figure that one out from the story dialogue. That text is loaded with visuals. Example- "Not a stone's throw from where we anchor did he meet his doom."
    How could a director read that and fail to rotate the camera to some water just off that point over there? During most of the tale the camera should be on Grandpa and his theatrics, or catching his Grandson's reactions.
    Any actor worth a hoot should be able to knock this out of the park. Yeah, I could break up the dialogue with action blocks that say look here, or Grandpa do this, but again these are obvious in this dialogue. To me.

    One aside - I was really surprised that a 7 line action block would stop a read. I'm not knocking your opinion. I am well aware of the ole four line guideline. I'm a rule breaker. That block was obviously to set mood and provide scene details. I thought it pretty visual save telling the temp. Yeah, that should have been a shiver. Agree, the sailboat visuals could have been written - A large sailboat with colorful sails knifes across the bay. I wanted more. I wanted kids to see the yacht heel over. I find colorful sails fascinate and excite people, so I wanted to show them in detail. Few people know what Tell-Tales are so I show a CU of the little red fluffs of material attached to the sails. I also tell you these are blowing perfectly sideways. So, to me, the young viewer will see these and give thought to them. What would it mean if they blew upward or hung downward? Gets them more involved thinking.

    More discussion on the 7 lines of action. Not trying to be argumentative, just an interesting viewpoint on screenplay writing style/format. On page one of Age of Reason, EXT. FOREST - DUSK there is actually ten lines of action in a block. The only difference - the block is broken by blank lines. Don't get me wrong. I like the way you wrote it. It's very visual - no complaint. I only call it out to contrast what you find a showstopper in this story. The visuals you show are good. But, in reality there is a lot of description thrown in simply for better story telling. I show a sail you say not important. You show branches whipping as a character runs through the brush. Of course they whip, he is running through them. If the story telling adjectives and verbs are killed, it would become boring ole "Mar runs in a panic through the brush as BEASTS chase him. He CRASHES to a stop just short of a fire, where a cloaked figure (CYLIA, 14) puts a knife to his throat." To me the difference in the two are the blank lines. Frankly I don't think a blank line would serve a function in the 7 liner.

    Again, I deeply appreciate the review. I respect your story telling craft.


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    #18
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Rustom, Thanks for the read. Actually, this story is just a spin on the ole campfire tale - the man with the hook. I just changed the scenery, characters, and hook to a cutlass.
    I like you alternate ending ideas. I think, however, for a scary story that leaving it hang is more scary. Agree, the end is a tad rushed during the read. Needs movement of
    the yacht from point A to B to establish each end. Thanks.


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    #19
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Wow, that response was longer than the review. ;) The spaces indicate a different shot. I view action blocks as ways to show what the camera is focusing on in a single shot. Sure it isn't perfect. But the big block thing usually (not in this case) indicates someone that doesn't know the craft or doesn't know how to trim and compress, so you have a person swamped with scripts and looking for an excuse to not read some...don't give them one.
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    #20
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_Keaton View Post
    <clip & snip> The spaces indicate a different shot. I view action blocks as ways to show what the camera is focusing on in a single shot.
    From a directors standpoint I see a lot more than a single shot in these blocks.
    Example-
    Hairy BEASTS with red glowing eyes jump and run behind him. Mar glances to his right and left. Heís surrounded.

    Production-
    LS to establish Beasts running
    LS to establish Mar is running
    MS from behind Beasts to establish they are chasing Mar
    MS from in front of Mar to establish he knows they are chasing him
    CU shot to show red eyes
    Dolly/Steady Beast running
    Dolly/Steady Mar running
    CU showing Mar glancing left-right
    LS PAN to show he is surrounded
    MC from behind Beasts to show surrounding

    Again, these action blocks are written correctly.


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