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    Legends never die
    #1
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Looks interesting.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
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    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
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    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Nice poster!


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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    The title is dear to my heart, because it reminds me of my personal mantra which is and will reamain "Goonies never say die."
    The poster... well, you deserve an honoroble mention. It's awesome!
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    I'm a Goonies fan too. Actually my first feature screenplay was along the same lines - called Cutlass.
    Except my kids go back in time via the fountain of youth (its a time portal - bet ya didn't know that).
    "Legends never die" is not goonie-ish. Just a simple old kids camp fire yarn spun a different way.
    Funny, it's already been spun again using Great Lakes Freighters (more local) with filming 12-13 May 2012.


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    Senior Member Anthony Todaro's Avatar
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    Simplicity works. It's one of the most challenging techniques to master.
    I went minimal on this one. I know I didn't come anywhere close to 'mastering' anything, but it is simple...

    Your feature sounds cool. Love that premise. Anything involving time and curious kids. For me, it all started
    with Time Bandits. Blew my mind when I was a kid. I was hooked.
    SCRIPTFEST VII TOP 3 | THE MELT | WEBSITE | IMDB | EMAIL
    Wordsmith & Graphic Designer. Will work for credit, coffee and money.


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    #7
    Senior Member Mobie540's Avatar
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    A little too much prose in the description of the sailboat. Although fine for a short.
    “She was the paint that colored my world.” I really like that.
    The monologue was a lot to take in but it was an interesting story.
    Lots of setup for a small pay off. A little uneven but the dynamic between Grandpa and the boy was nice to follow.


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    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    It was tough getting through this a little bit. If rewritten after this, a good chunk of Granpa's pirate tale would be shown at least in part. In fact, I'm kind of sirprised you didn't do this. You didn't have to show Pirates/Blackbeard (unless, in the "mind" of the kid, his Grandpa IS Blackbeard) but just a pirate ship on the high seas. In any case, I would have broken some of that page long tale with a bit of narrative. It also leaves with a suspenseful (and dark) cliffhanger, and thus feels incomplete.

    When Jonathan first speaks, part of the dialog is action ("Grandpa offers him a hand...") also, see p2 'His Grandpa'. follows Grandpa. 'His' isn't needed.

    It's too bad the fest required genres of sf, fantasy or horror; if you took that element out, this would be a very touching short as a drama alone (the theme being a Grandfather's last boat ride with his grandson before one of them moves away)
    There might be something to this later on.


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    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Thanks for the review Mobie & Darren. Agree, I wish I could break up his pirate story with actual visuals. Unfortunately that would put it out of the realm of actual production due to cost.
    I've totally quit writing shorts that are not possible to produce. Even this version was a bit too tough for local production as Michigan is far away from NC and a sailboat. For production the long
    ghost story will be broken up with cut-aways to the boy reactions and B-roll from the water. Thanks for pointing out the other issues. I appreciate it.
    Last edited by Sunk99; 04-12-2012 at 08:37 PM.


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    #10
    Member Craighoit's Avatar
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    Really liked this a lot. Dialogue (in addition to being a tough word to spell, at least for me) is tough to write. At least dialogue that feels both real and defines a character. You were able to do both here, so kudos. I loved how natural it felt, and I loved when the grandpa rolled into his story he assumed a nice "elevated" tone that good storytellers will use. I think this helps get us through the length of the monolog - you're sort of hanging on every word like the boy.

    One thing that tripod me up was grandpa's line:

    There's no reefs around here.

    I mean, I know why it's in there, but that's sort of the problem. It feels like a "oh, need to get this important bit of information in" rather than a natural part of the story. It's too expository for me. Have no idea what the solution is, b/c you do want this information to be conveyed, but I wonder if there is a better way to do it. Maybe you can establish earlier that they are in an area without reefs....dunno.


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