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    #11
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    “NICKY
    What was the lesson in The Queen
    with the Wooden Leg?

    DAD
    Not to eat too much sugar.”
    Brilliant!

    But why follow it up with the bit about his intent? And then explain the execution behind that intent with the line, “But in a fun way.”

    This short is all about performance and dialog and I don’t see how it can’t even work as a brilliantly funny Radio play, even.
    Provided you take away a few of those reinforcing redundancies. They act a bit like crutches and I personally think you are skilled enough to back your dialogs by keeping them to curt one or two sentences, tops.

    He mentions his stories serving as important life lessons a few times, when you could do with a couple.

    Also, while your setting and characters makes this extremely filmable on a lo/no budet, and I hope it gets made, you do need to play a bit with sounds, actions, infuse a bit of cinematic stylings.

    For example, When dad narrates the tortoise and hare tale, have him play both characters, use Nicky’s football helmet and pads to play tortoise, put socks over his ears like the hare, actually create havoc in the kid’s room. J\

    This is really great fun, with some punchlines that would make the grown-ups pleased as punch too!

    Reminds me of “The Princess Bride” but on a great macro scale with extremely vivid characters.

    Love it! Should be a top contender.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
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    #12
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed this one a lot! Great dialogue - lots of personality and humour - and although it's not entirely naturalistic I think that suits the mood. The style is consistent and that's what matters. My main issue is that a script should be a visual blueprint and this gives little reference to what we are seeing. I think you can do a whole lot more showing and less telling, especially with the kid. Even consider describing visual or two for the stories? How great would it be to have an animated thought bubble showing the tortoise and the hare for example? Or even cut aways to it with the Dad's V.O. running over it. I think a director would do something like that anyway but it's a good idea to create visuals in the reader's head with your script, to fully show your idea's cinematic potential.

    BUT that certainly didn't impact what an enjoyable read this was. Good fun and a clever idea. Well done!


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    #13
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Rusty,

    No, YOU are too kind.

    Thanks for your kind (oops, redundant) words. I appreciate all the free advice and constructive criticism I can get from all the very talented writers on this site as well as MP. If only I can learn to apply it.

    Thanks again, my friend.


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    #14
    Member dtroop506's Avatar
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    Sarah,

    Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
    I do tend to be heavy on dialogs (that comes from writing stage plays and radio skits when I was younger) and am really trying to break that habit. Maybe one day I'll write a screenplay about Helen Keller in a library. (Was that inappropriate?)

    Thanks again.
    Go, Zorgon !


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    #15
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Hehe Helen Keller in a library - it could be very touching :P And you're very welcome! I really enjoyed your script and hey - writing descriptions is easy - writing dialogue is tough so you've got the important part nailed


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