A loving father tries to help his young son fall asleep by telling him one of his famous bedtime stories. Unfortunately, Dad's stories tend to scare the crap out of everyone.
Thread: Dad's Famous Bedtime Stories
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03-05-2012 06:59 PM
Last edited by dtroop506; 03-07-2012 at 02:18 AM.
04-11-2012 08:07 PM
Aside from a spelling error (fasted should be fastest) and the absent title, and Dad's last line, I thought this was amusing. What was Dad's last line to his son? Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.
04-12-2012 03:46 PM
Opening sentence is clunky. Queen with wooden leg is funny. Dad is already sitting next to Nicky, redundant sentence. A nice one note short. I liked how quirky the dad was.
04-12-2012 04:31 PM
The bedtime stories were great - lots of fun. Dad has a fantastic imagination. Some thoughts:
The father's dialogue, especially in the beginning, doesn't ring true to me. While I am certainly not representative of all fathers, it's not how I speak to my daughters (one of whom is Nicky's age) and I suspect it's not how most parents talk to their kids. Specifically there's not really the "pals" and "buddies" at least I don't think so. Now it may (again, survey of one) be me simply having daughters rather than a son, and I suppose if I'm being honest, I do slip in a "sweetie" now and again as a term of endearment. But it does seem a bit forced here. It's almost as though you're trying to define Dad as a "nice" guy in the mold of Ward Cleaver. If this is done for this specific effect, I suppose it's ok, but it seemed off. Also things like "one of old Dad's famous bedtime stories" feel like it's telegraphing the joke too much. It's almost as though you're saying "hey, funny unexpected bedtime story coming up" My sense is the drama would play better if you get to the stories and let the viewer realized how f'd up they are without teeing it up so much. While the absurdity of the stories shouldn't come out of nowhere, I think they could come as more of a surprise.
I also suspect the story might play better if you show Nicky's fear and not have him say stuff like "your stories give me nightmares" and "your stories are pretty scary" Let the viewer discover this on their own. That way you posit the question in the beginning - why is Nicky scared? and you answer it not by Nicky's assertions but by allowing the viewer to figure it out. Not sure if I'm making sense here, but as the script is now it feels like a connect the dots puzzle where the dots in the beginning are too close together.
You could still make the transition into the stories work. Maybe something like:
DAD: It's okay. It's just a little wind. I know what you need.
If it's even possible, Nicky scrunches down deeper into the bed under his covers.
DAD: Remember the last night's story about the beautiful princess?
NICKY (bit shaken): uh-huh. And her head getting chopped off...
DAD: Well, I think it's time for another story!
And then you're off to the races.
The beauty of this script is, of course these stories of Dads. Simply awesome. I mean, a line like vultures sweeping down and picking apart a bloody caracas like a bus full of seniors at the Old Country Buffet? I literally laughed out loud.
All of these thoughts are offered in the way of constructive criticism and free advice is generally worth what you paid for it...
Really enjoyed it.
04-13-2012 08:05 AM
Thanks for the comments and suggestions, Craig. They are greatly appreciated.
As far as the Dad, he is a combination of three classic TV Dads...Ward Cleaver, Mike Brady, but mostly Phil Dunphy.
04-13-2012 11:43 AM
I loved it! Simply loved! It's an excellent entry, I think, I'll ask my 11 year old to read it later. The stories are beautiful, the dad is awesome for telling those stories. Sorry, I don't have any constructive criticism for you
04-15-2012 04:46 AM
Thank you, KhamIsk, for your honest review. You make some valid points.
Seriously, I'm glad you liked it. My goal was to have some fun with the story and characters. (And to enter on time.)
So, if this made you laugh, I feel I have accomplished something.
04-15-2012 04:53 PM
Why is there no title page?
Nice opening, it was easy to feel the kid's dread. I like this dad. It would be nice to see this story animated as he tells it. The kids,'busted gut' line could be better if it went even more adult like 'got a hernia' (well you get the idea, give us something out there, this is clearly not a normal family. This was a great little story. Make this baby a series with increasingly inappropriate bed time stories.
- "I'm the FASTED of all the animals"