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    #11
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    Yeah, I'm surprised he didn't edit the original post to clarify. Very surprising.

    But he clarifies in a later post.


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    #12
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZellJr View Post
    Yeah, I'm surprised he didn't edit the original post to clarify. Very surprising.

    But he clarifies in a later post.
    Next time I'll post all clarifications in the original post.
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    #13
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    Thanks for your comments Chris. This is my first screenplay attempt, so I'm still unsure about the formatt.


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    #14
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
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    I've never seen a screenplay in a font other than Courier. It's hard to read with the proportional font widths.

    "Impatience shows on his face and in his movements" What kind of facial expressions and movements reveal impatience? Can you give us visual cues? Foot tapping? Repeatedly checking his watch? Frowning?

    Is the lift in his apartment or is he in the building's hallway?

    Sebastian is capitalized several times.

    Keep your action lines to four lines or less. It makes for an easier read.

    Introduce Sebastian's mother with capitals.

    You make a bold choice to shun dialogue, but overall you have a "slice of life" story. This is just another day in Sebastian's life. He has no new obstacles to overcome and he does nothing to change his situation.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


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    #15
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
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    Why doesn't Sebastian do anything about his lifestyle? You've documented a single miserable day in his life and hint at this being a cycle, but I can't connect with his apathetic situation since he's resigned to this fate.

    Apathy is not what you want an audience to feel for your script. Especially, since the audience will take the effort to look up the movie, maybe pay to watch it or a producer will invest serious time and effort to make it.

    You have little moments, wherin he could make an effort to connect with people in the lift, his office or even his mother and I guess there's backstory explaining why he is like this, but without dialogs and no fresh visuals to work with, this is more or less a document of his life.

    Is he trapped? Well, a person ends up being trapped, metaphorically or otherwise because he pursued something that led him into the trap. What is it that led Sebastian into this rut.

    Even something as simple as a picture of him and a dog, with him now just crying over a leash, would explain so much.

    You have great visual skill and write vividly. Get some screen-writing software and write what you love but rmember to make use feel something about your characters too.
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    #16
    Member DarrenJSeeley's Avatar
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    Formatting was a big issue for me. No 12pt courier font, no title page (title and authors name shouldn't be on first page), blocks of text. I don't mind a non-spoken piece (heck... there's a b/w silent film up for an Oscar this Sunday) and visuals only can be effective. Story's good....but I'm not sold on the criteria.


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    #17
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    Hmm, not sure how I feel about this one. I think if I watched it as a finished film, I would probably like it. As a script, some of the weird formatting and notes threw me off, as well as the constant (but inconsistent) capitalization of the MC's name. I do like the monotonous "day in the life" tone.

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