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    Trapped - Phil McCumskey (aka fossil)
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    The harsh realities of inner city London life and sharing an apartment with an abusive alcoholic mother is Sebastianís Catch-22. Is there no escape?


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    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Whelcome to the party.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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    #3
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
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    Pretty nicely written. I think you're going to get a bit of controversy if this really met the guidelines of the fest. Your protagonist is sort of trapped, but whether it meets Chris' classically trapped definition is open to question.
    Sebastian is one unhappy dude in a desperately unhappy life, but the story never goes anywhere. There is absolutely no story arc – just a slow plod through the same old same old.

    I’d avoid using “is” whenever possible. Instead of:
    “His mother's face is twisted in anger.”
    Try this:
    “His mother's face twists in anger.”
    It’s more to the point and moves the action along better.

    Nice job. It was a good read.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


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    #4
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
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    Hi Phil,

    Thanks for the read.

    Good:
    Simple idea.
    Definitely trapped in my book.
    You feel for the guy.

    Not so good:
    Action clumped together. You need to separate the shots.
    The ending was simple. Too simple. I never felt awarded for reading, just sorry for him.

    Overall, simple and a good effort. Thanks.


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    #5
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    I don't think it meets the "trapped" criteria. Chris stated that they need to be physically trapped, and the protagonist is clearly not.

    It was a good read, though I found myself waiting through a lot of the story. The story never really seemed to progress anywhere or be about anything other than every day life. I would have felt for him if his qualms weren't so niggling(aside from the mother). The other things that went on just seemed like your average bad day. And for all I know, he deserved to have his boss throw the papers back at him. There was nothing to tell me he was being mistreated by his boss.

    I thought it was well-written and easy to read, but the story is a bit too simple for my tastes.

    Still solid.


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    #6
    Senior Member Sarah Daly's Avatar
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    Yep I don't think this one fits the brief but I like it anyway I can certainly relate to an extent having been an unhappy member of the rat race for a few years and you 'capture' hehe this feeling of being trapped in a depressing cycle very well. Your details are great - especially the sounds which is why I think it's a mistake to cut the sound for most of the script. Sound is a huge part of how movies work, and your initial descriptions of sound design really added to the mood so perhaps consider having stylised sound rather than none.

    Basically, you write very well and I enjoyed reading this. It didn't bother me that there was no conventional arc or resolution as that's the whole point, but yeah I'm afraid I don't think this fits the brief.

    Ps. I totally expected him to get stuck in the lift :P Maybe you could rewrite a version where he does, and that little adventure/diversion of being physically trapped breaks his cycle of being metaphorically trapped? Then you could use sound design to show this by having muted sounds UNTIL he's in the lift when suddenly the numbing spell is broken. Just an idea!


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    #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah Daly View Post
    Yep I don't think this one fits the brief but I like it anyway I can certainly relate to an extent having been an unhappy member of the rat race for a few years and you 'capture' hehe this feeling of being trapped in a depressing cycle very well. Your details are great - especially the sounds which is why I think it's a mistake to cut the sound for most of the script. Sound is a huge part of how movies work, and your initial descriptions of sound design really added to the mood so perhaps consider having stylised sound rather than none.

    Basically, you write very well and I enjoyed reading this. It didn't bother me that there was no conventional arc or resolution as that's the whole point, but yeah I'm afraid I don't think this fits the brief.

    Ps. I totally expected him to get stuck in the lift :P Maybe you could rewrite a version where he does, and that little adventure/diversion of being physically trapped breaks his cycle of being metaphorically trapped? Then you could use sound design to show this by having muted sounds UNTIL he's in the lift when suddenly the numbing spell is broken. Just an idea!
    That's actually a very good idea. Great suggestion. I'd love to read that.


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    Glad you enjoyed the read and thanks for your constructive comments. The original post by Chris did not specify 'classically trapped'.


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    #9
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
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    Comments provided as read.
    Scores are 1-10
    Ten is the best I ever read.
    One the worse.
    TimMc

    Jam by Pete Barry

    Overall: 7
    Plot: 6
    Characters: 8
    Dialogue: 9
    Theme:
    Structure: 7
    Originality: 8
    Style/Quality of Writing: 7
    Entertainment Value: 7
    Cinematic Quality: 8

    Synopsis: A man stuck in a traffic jam due to a truck rollover picks up cell & military radio over his analog car radio.
    He listens and finally hears the military has found a bomb on the truck so he runs. For some reason the military
    shoots him and the bomb, possible nuclear, kills everyone.

    Comments:
    Pg 1
    LATE (V.O.)
    ***Using a name like this just confuses the reader. Give them a name.
    ***Love the opening visuals
    Pg 2
    ***Whoa. I can get that spew of different conversations on paper - film?
    ***There needs to be breaks between - static, or overlaps. Else we think it is a garbled single conversation.
    All of their calls are pouring simultaneously out of his radio.
    ***No need to tell - it's evident.
    Pg 3
    I LOVE this sniper twist.
    Pg 5
    ***You had me intrigued, but then you shot the main character and left us hanging.
    ***A nuke went off, killing the sniper as well? I really enjoyed the story but the huge
    plot holes at the end leave me demanding to know more. No explanation as to why they were shooting at him?
    Did I miss something? Re-reading.
    ***How would they know his analog radio is on 610?
    ***Yes I did miss the Swat guy looking over a bomb on the truck. Should have been a military tanker.
    Else why are they looking for a bomb on a wrecked truck? Also this was all VO. There was no visual to
    lock in the bomb. I suggest giving us that visual. That would explain the bomb. Now why are they shooting
    at Ray? Why did they single him out? Might twist in there that they are looking for a button pusher and
    see how Ray is reacting/acting. Excellent story potential if plot holes are plugged.
    ***By the way - I never got how the character is trapped so I lowered the overall a point.


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    #10
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
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    Notes:
    - Get a screenwriting program to get the formatting right.
    - So I'm getting that silence will reign through most of this. Often I feel films with no sound almost feel unfinished. It certainly can have an effect if used efficiently.

    Well I can see you went with the philosophical and not the 'physically' trapped rules. I can't say if it would work or not until I saw it.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


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