Thread: Homeroom

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12
  1. Collapse Details
    Homeroom
    #1
    Senior Member taylormade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    St.Louis area, USA
    Posts
    500
    Default
    Someone is coming for Becky and Samantha - with a gun.

    Last edited by taylormade; 02-05-2012 at 09:32 PM.
    "If they move, kill'em!"


    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
    #2
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Ah you wrote another one you can shoot. I see through your scheme.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
    #3
    Default
    **SPOILERS (in case anybody reads this review before the story)**

    I wasn't quite feeling this story. It was building to a twist, which I figured out on page 4 but also disappointed me because I was hoping that Eric would also kill Jerome for chickening out on him. First of all, you don't explain WHY he hid in the classroom which was something I was hoping to know about him. Another thing I was hoping you'd do but didn't is have Eric kill Samantha. I was thinking he would because of the dialogue about her being a good person (implying that she'd go to Heaven when he killed her) but instead they let her live? That felt very off for the story.

    The dialogue was okay in places but not-so okay in others. There wasn't anything to get really excited about in this story because you played it too safe. Had you not, it may have been more of an entertaining piece.

    Side notes:

    On page 2, you wrote, in an action line "It's" when it should have been "its".
    Your wrylies (parantheticals) were highly misused throughout the script. One, in particular, was three lines long. I haven't seen one used like that in over a decade... for good reason. Waste of space.
    Another glaring error was Jerome and his stuttering. You wouldn't use an ellipsis for a stutter unless he's actually pausing like that when he talks. Instead, think about using a single hyphen instead. It's more accurate, a space saver and friendlier on the eyes.

    Good luck to you.


    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
    #4
    Senior Member Sunk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    200
    Default
    Comments provided as read. Scores are 1-10 Ten is the best I ever read. One the worse.
    TimMc

    Homeroom by Richard Taylor

    Overall: 6
    Plot: 4
    Characters: 6
    Dialogue: 9
    Theme: _
    Structure: 7
    Originality: 4
    Style/Quality of Writing: 8
    Entertainment Value: 4
    Cinematic Quality: 5

    Synopsis: Somebody is in the school shooting people. Two girls try to get into a classroom - all locked.
    One is opened by a nerd who locked himself in. Before the door shuts another boy is coming and there is
    indecision if they wait for him or not. Or not wins - they lock the door. One of the girls feels sorry for the
    guy and lets him in anyhow. The other girl smacks him silly with a book. The nerd helps the guy and slips
    a gun out of his
    partners pants. The girl then checks him weapons - none. They kill her, let the other go,
    and
    continue their rampage.

    Comments:
    Pg 1
    ***Although we see these three characters, and hear gunshots, by the descriptions it feels like the halls are empty.
    Pg 2
    What do you think, kid?
    ***Seems out of character to ask the nerd? Good job that you already established a character.
    Pg 4
    He's coming down the hall!
    ***I thought we heard his body fall. That was somebody else falling way down the hall?
    Samantha sees two bodies lying on the hall floor
    ***Okay so two others got shot in front of the door. We should have heard them running (silently?) before they got shot.
    thick book slams down on his head.
    ***I guess we wait for an explanation as to why she smacked him as she walked away?
    Pg 6
    took it from him
    ***who him? Is this claiming Jerome took it off Eric after she creamed him? She was right there.
    ***So he has a gun, killed two adults, got scared and hid in an empty class. Then he got brave enough to open the door?
    ***When Eric was first running down the hall causing Sam to wait, why didn't he have his gun out?
    ***When Jerome was introduced it was easy to deduce he would be a bad guy.

    Sorry predictable plot with holes. I thought the dialogue excellent. I differ with the other reviewer on the wrylies. They
    simple told the actor to whisper. The only reason "two" were long was it as added they were on the other side of the
    door, which we knew. Could have Intercut I guess. O.S. would work too I think.



    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
    #5
    Senior Member DarkElastic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    843
    Default
    Hi Taylormade, thanks for the read.

    Good:
    The twist got me, well done.
    Simple to make, two locations. 4 main actors and two to be bodies.
    Simple idea.
    Flowed reasonably well.

    Not so good:
    On the nose dialogue.
    Clumped together action. Separate for better clarity.

    Overall, good effort. Well done.


    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
    #6
    Default
    Nice twist. Pretty tense too.

    There were a few cases of on the nose dialog, but for the most part, it was good.

    The read was quick and easy.

    A few oddities like the lack of reaction to the book smacking and the gunshots


    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
    #7
    ScriptFEST Mod Chris_Keaton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Tucson, AZ
    Posts
    1,957
    Default
    Notes:
    - It's a shame this is a similar concept as 'A Shadow at the Door'.
    - I bet Eric is a shooter?
    - This was a real smooth read.

    Ok, so it was clear Eric was a baddie, didn't expect the other kid to be, but it didn't really matter. The tension was all in the opening section, once Eric came in it felt flat to me because there was nothing the girls could do and it fizzled. How about Sam putting up a fight to stop her friend from being killed, sure the end can be the same just ramp up the drama. Overall good job.
    Chris Keaton - Writer | Website | Email | imdb |
    ______________________________________________
    Samurai ScriptFest: A Dream of Electric Revolution (1st Place)
    Suspense ScriptFest: A Clockwork Darkened(2nd Place)
    Trapped ScriptFest: Trapped (3rd Place)


    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
    #8
    Senior Member MML's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Jersey
    Posts
    119
    Default
    This was pretty cool. I pretty much knew that Eric was gonna be the bad guy but it wtill worked. Especially when you add Jerome. Becky was a bitch but she was smart. I like that she was proactive although there really wasn't much depth to her, or any of the characters. I think you could have fleshed them out a bit more maybe through dialog that made them individuals or maybe even gestures. something that sets them apart from eachother.

    I liked it though. Good job!

    Pg. 4 - (whisper from the other side of the door) - This is too long to be a wrylie. Should be an action line. - And Eric's dialog is (O.S.)


    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
    #9
    Senior Member Rustom Irani's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Bombay, India
    Posts
    159
    Default
    I just wish the premise wasn't about a school shooting because now it's been dealt with so often in all forms of media, plus it still keeps happening every few months or so somewhere around the world. There's nothing really refreshing or original to keep me hooked, even though your writing skills are quite good.

    Plus, with another script in the contest about a shooter and trapped people will draw a few parallels.

    Your strength lies in the twists you create and Jerome's reveal did take me by surprise. But the whole, "I took the gun when she slammed him with the book" is pretty hard to visualise. There's also questions about why Jerome locked himself in? To specifically target the girls? This needs some more elaboraion.

    Other than that, it's a quick read, has some memorable moments and worked for the theme. So, pretty good effort.
    1st Place, Scriptfest X: TrappedFest - Glued

    2nd Place, ScriptFest IV: Western - The Patch-up Kid

    3rd Place, ScriptFest V: MonsterFest - Brr
    ______________________________________________
    Website | Blog


    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
    #10
    Senior Member Bill Clar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Lake Mary, FL
    Posts
    221
    Default
    "The door lock clicks." So Jerome unlocked the door for the girls?

    Samantha is too passive. She's not putting up enough of an argument against Becky over letting in Eric. She's talking to Jerome when she should be either letting in Eric or fighting Becky, either verbally or physically.

    Just say Eric's dialogue is off screen. Omit the wrylies.

    When Jerome speaks, replace the ellipses with dashes.

    Great story. Good suspense with a twist at the end. I figured Eric was the killer but I didn't suspect Jerome.
    So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.


    Reply With Quote
     

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •