Someone is coming for Becky and Samantha - with a gun.
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02-05-2012 09:01 PM
Last edited by taylormade; 02-05-2012 at 09:32 PM."If they move, kill'em!"
02-06-2012 04:32 AM
Ah you wrote another one you can shoot. I see through your scheme.
02-08-2012 01:18 PM
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
**SPOILERS (in case anybody reads this review before the story)**
I wasn't quite feeling this story. It was building to a twist, which I figured out on page 4 but also disappointed me because I was hoping that Eric would also kill Jerome for chickening out on him. First of all, you don't explain WHY he hid in the classroom which was something I was hoping to know about him. Another thing I was hoping you'd do but didn't is have Eric kill Samantha. I was thinking he would because of the dialogue about her being a good person (implying that she'd go to Heaven when he killed her) but instead they let her live? That felt very off for the story.
The dialogue was okay in places but not-so okay in others. There wasn't anything to get really excited about in this story because you played it too safe. Had you not, it may have been more of an entertaining piece.
On page 2, you wrote, in an action line "It's" when it should have been "its".
Your wrylies (parantheticals) were highly misused throughout the script. One, in particular, was three lines long. I haven't seen one used like that in over a decade... for good reason. Waste of space.
Another glaring error was Jerome and his stuttering. You wouldn't use an ellipsis for a stutter unless he's actually pausing like that when he talks. Instead, think about using a single hyphen instead. It's more accurate, a space saver and friendlier on the eyes.
Good luck to you.
02-08-2012 09:20 PM
Comments provided as read. Scores are 1-10 Ten is the best I ever read. One the worse.
Homeroom by Richard Taylor
Style/Quality of Writing: 8
Entertainment Value: 4
Cinematic Quality: 5
Synopsis: Somebody is in the school shooting people. Two girls try to get into a classroom - all locked.
One is opened by a nerd who locked himself in. Before the door shuts another boy is coming and there is
indecision if they wait for him or not. Or not wins - they lock the door. One of the girls feels sorry for the
guy and lets him in anyhow. The other girl smacks him silly with a book. The nerd helps the guy and slips
a gun out of his partners pants. The girl then checks him weapons - none. They kill her, let the other go,
and continue their rampage.
***Although we see these three characters, and hear gunshots, by the descriptions it feels like the halls are empty.
What do you think, kid?
***Seems out of character to ask the nerd? Good job that you already established a character.
He's coming down the hall!
***I thought we heard his body fall. That was somebody else falling way down the hall?
Samantha sees two bodies lying on the hall floor
***Okay so two others got shot in front of the door. We should have heard them running (silently?) before they got shot.
thick book slams down on his head.
***I guess we wait for an explanation as to why she smacked him as she walked away?
took it from him
***who him? Is this claiming Jerome took it off Eric after she creamed him? She was right there.
***So he has a gun, killed two adults, got scared and hid in an empty class. Then he got brave enough to open the door?
***When Eric was first running down the hall causing Sam to wait, why didn't he have his gun out?
***When Jerome was introduced it was easy to deduce he would be a bad guy.
Sorry predictable plot with holes. I thought the dialogue excellent. I differ with the other reviewer on the wrylies. They
simple told the actor to whisper. The only reason "two" were long was it as added they were on the other side of the
door, which we knew. Could have Intercut I guess. O.S. would work too I think.
02-09-2012 01:11 AM
Hi Taylormade, thanks for the read.
The twist got me, well done.
Simple to make, two locations. 4 main actors and two to be bodies.
Flowed reasonably well.
Not so good:
On the nose dialogue.
Clumped together action. Separate for better clarity.
Overall, good effort. Well done.
02-09-2012 04:59 PM
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
Nice twist. Pretty tense too.
There were a few cases of on the nose dialog, but for the most part, it was good.
The read was quick and easy.
A few oddities like the lack of reaction to the book smacking and the gunshots
02-09-2012 05:59 PM
- It's a shame this is a similar concept as 'A Shadow at the Door'.
- I bet Eric is a shooter?
- This was a real smooth read.
Ok, so it was clear Eric was a baddie, didn't expect the other kid to be, but it didn't really matter. The tension was all in the opening section, once Eric came in it felt flat to me because there was nothing the girls could do and it fizzled. How about Sam putting up a fight to stop her friend from being killed, sure the end can be the same just ramp up the drama. Overall good job.
02-09-2012 07:36 PM
This was pretty cool. I pretty much knew that Eric was gonna be the bad guy but it wtill worked. Especially when you add Jerome. Becky was a bitch but she was smart. I like that she was proactive although there really wasn't much depth to her, or any of the characters. I think you could have fleshed them out a bit more maybe through dialog that made them individuals or maybe even gestures. something that sets them apart from eachother.
I liked it though. Good job!
Pg. 4 - (whisper from the other side of the door) - This is too long to be a wrylie. Should be an action line. - And Eric's dialog is (O.S.)Marnie . . .
02-21-2012 08:47 AM
I just wish the premise wasn't about a school shooting because now it's been dealt with so often in all forms of media, plus it still keeps happening every few months or so somewhere around the world. There's nothing really refreshing or original to keep me hooked, even though your writing skills are quite good.
Plus, with another script in the contest about a shooter and trapped people will draw a few parallels.
Your strength lies in the twists you create and Jerome's reveal did take me by surprise. But the whole, "I took the gun when she slammed him with the book" is pretty hard to visualise. There's also questions about why Jerome locked himself in? To specifically target the girls? This needs some more elaboraion.
Other than that, it's a quick read, has some memorable moments and worked for the theme. So, pretty good effort.
02-21-2012 01:47 PM
"The door lock clicks." So Jerome unlocked the door for the girls?
Samantha is too passive. She's not putting up enough of an argument against Becky over letting in Eric. She's talking to Jerome when she should be either letting in Eric or fighting Becky, either verbally or physically.
Just say Eric's dialogue is off screen. Omit the wrylies.
When Jerome speaks, replace the ellipses with dashes.
Great story. Good suspense with a twist at the end. I figured Eric was the killer but I didn't suspect Jerome.So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar at 5:00.